Dh only wants me for one thing.

[kanga22]

Lately dh seems to be getting his emotional needs met with other women online. He's not having sex with anyone else, but that's ALL he wants out of me. He isn't acting like my friend, spouse, or father of our children. He doesn't care about our daily lives or want to talk about anything, except sex. I take that back, if I want to help him improve his online friendships, then he will talk about that with me. Whenever I try to talk about anything else or just treat him like the partner he has been to me for twenty years, he gets angry or bored, we fight, and stop talking. He has been acting like this on and off. Lately it has gotten much worse.

I've tried to get him to cut off his online friendships. That's not going to happen. He is out on the road and gets extremely lonely and depressed if he can't talk with someone. He says that I'm still his best friend but I feel like our emotional intimacy is severly lacking. It is all made more difficult because I only get a 30 min. phone call once a day and a 3-4 day visit once a month with him. Despite what it's doing to our marriage and family, he loves his job and won't be coming home to find a different one anytime soon.

I've given up on asking him for advice about fixing problems around the house, with the car, or dealing with the kids (except where I need his permission for something - they are his children too afterall). I feel like a single parent, and a mistress to my own dh. Last night I found myself thinking of him as just a boyfriend to me and not someone who has stake in our family. It's like he is just someone to service my physical needs. I don't even need it. But it's all I have left with him right now. It's the thread I'm hanging on by. I don't know what I should be doing. I've expressed my feelings to him. He still seems satisfied with how things are between us.

 

[WashedClean]

I'm so sorry you're going through this honey. You don't deserve to be treated this way. All I can say is that I feel sorry for your husband too, because he must be desperately unhappy with himself to act like this.

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom. Can you speak with a pastor or Christian counselor about this?

I'll be praying for you...

 

[cristianna]

Also praying for you kanga.

 

[Jenniewren]

Dear Kanga, I know how you feel, He sounds similar to my DH in many ways. It is so far from God's plan for marraige and hurts so much. I am praying for you. Never forget you are a very special person and a child of the livng God. Keep on praying and trusting in him.

 

[pete56]

Hmmm Kanga,

I have to agree with our Sisters here that is an awful place to be and I really don't know how it can be resolved.

But i may be able to affoer some thoughts on 40 something year old married men - I have been there!

I assume your DH is about the same age that you are, otherwise I am totally out of line offering this advice.

First of all, in my experience, very few men have enjoyed there childhood and youth, even fewer have been offered any sort of mentoring by an older man in their youth and young adulthood and of those that do get this mentoring very few of them receive it from their fathers.

And in all honesty a lot of the issues that arise in all marriages (not just UY ones) stem from these facts.

Most men (myself included) put up with a lot of emotional 'abuse' from their fathers (either directed at them or their mothers or siblings) and either directly or as a result of being ignored or the father being absent. This emotioanl trauma is usually stuffed away inside until a later time.

For some it turns them into hard cases and you get a young 'punk', for others they become workaholics, still others turn to substance or alcohol, and others turn to womanising and lusts. The results are very varied. But the cause is the same - they are searching for how to be a 'man'!

This often continues quietly under the surface until they reach the late 30's or so (the classic midlife crisis syndrome) and then they start to try to find answers to the questions they never realised were simmering in their souls!

I would not be surprised if your husband is in this place right now and has found that in the quiet of his hotel rooms he can relate to these other anonymous women as the man you may never allow him to be - you after all knew him when he was young and also know all of his failings! It is hard for a man to change the way his wife views him, even if both parties are willing!

All of this does not excuse your DH for treating you as a convenient place to expend his sexual energy instead of his beloved wif of his youth, but I hope it may help your understanding of his mindset.

For more on these issues, you might like to read 'Wild at Heart' by John Eldredge and the follow up book The Way of the Wild Heart looks good too (I am just reading it now).

If you want to talk about specific issues to do with life on the road (I have some experience of that too) or these men's father wound issues, feel free to PM me, or raise them here if you are comfortable with that.

I pray you and DH find the way through this emotional maze.

Bless you

Pete

 

[kanga22]

Thank you all, your prayers are much appreciated.

Pete, you sound like you have some insight that I need. Dh's real father died when he was 4 yo. The most maddening part is that he basically commited suicide. He had a history of driving like a madman, without regard to his young family, until the day that it killed him. He left behind a 22 yo wife, my dh, and dh's 2 yo sister.

His mother was traumatically changed after that. I believe this is when she turned from God and still claims that He doesn't exist. She had boyfriends come and go for years. At least one of them truly connected with dh and broke his heart when the relationship didn't work out. Dh's mother eventually married an abusive alcoholic when dh was 9 and that marriage lasted for twenty years.

That is his history of men in his life. He is now 43.

I would like to hear what you have to say about life on the road too. I'll PM you. Thanks.

 

[free4all]

I'm sorry, Kanga. I know that's not the way it's supposed to be. It is difficult to watch another person destroy your relationship, or continually place obstacles to growth and intimacy in the way. It is disapppointing to see our mate make obvious poor choices, and to bear the consequences of another's decisions.

It sounds like it will take the hand of God to alter dh's life and/or career choice.

Are you physically able to fast? I'm not trying to be judgmental, as I haven't fasted in awhile. I believe your dh is involved in a spiritual battle, and I believe you need to combat it spiritually, which you are probably doing already. I believe focusing on the spiritual aspect is your greatest hope. I realize you are in a difficult spot. If you address issues too strongly, he may pull back from you, which would incline him to spend more time talking to the other ladies online. That is why I believe your greatest influence will come through prayer.

Praying for wisdom and strength for you.