DH has addictive personality w/EVERYTHING. What do I do?

[WriterMom]

My dh and I have been married 11 years next month. We are both Christians. Before we were married, dh led a very, shall we say "risque" lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and partying all night. After he was saved we got back in touch (we knew each other all of our lives, but I wouldn't seriously date him) and began a relationship. We married the next year and it wasn't long before I realized that he still had some "issues" to deal with.

He went back to drinking a couple of times in our first year of marriage, but I threw a FIT and dropped him off DRUNK at his parents house. That seemed to take care of that issue. Then I caught him smoking pot in our garage after we had our second child. So I packed me and the two kids up and left him sitting stoned, alone in the living room. He finally agreed to Christian counseling and we seemed to get back on track after a few weeks.

Then, of course we've dealt with the porn issue since the honeymoon it seems. I feel like I'm on a 6 month cycle. About every 6 months or so I find some sort of porn. At first it was magazines, then videos, then, when I became a little more computer savvy I found porn on the hard drive. Each time I confronted my dh and each time he lied and then would "confess" once I brought out the evidence. He's always "sorry" and he always "will never do it again".

Those are just the BIG ADDICTIONS I've dealt with. In between those are the CONSTANT addictions that are driving me NUTS. I don't know what to do!! My dh cannot do ANYTHING in moderation. If he finds a hobby he likes, he has to do it DAY AND NIGHT until he gets bored with it and drops it completely and moves onto the next ALL CONSUMING ADDICTION. The problem is, he doesn't seem to realize that the time he utilizes doing these "things" takes away from his family. He always has a "justification". If his addiction makes money...ie, a side job that he loves, but that takes him from home for weeks at a time....then he says he's "doing it for the family" even if we don't need the money. I can't win when it comes to his addictive behavior. He honestly does NOT see it. And he says I'm CRAZY! His latest addiction is geocaching!

In truth, I think I AM going crazy! Has anyone lived with someone with an addictive personality? If so, how did you do it?

Sorry so long, this is my first post other than the "newbie" post. I guess I had alot on my mind.
~Michelle

 

[sparassidae]

He needs to see a counsellor to talk through this issue. Since he said he doesn't think he has a problem, that's a big problem.

Pray about it. Pray about the particular issues, but most importantly pray that he would see the problem he has. Explain to him how much it hurts you.

 

[Evangelina]

An addiction isn't cured until all of the issues that cause the susceptibility are completely healed. Alcoholics Anonymous talk about 'dry drunks' ... people who have stopped drinking, but still have all the problems that drove them to alcoholism in the first place. They're not healed, they're not recovered - they're just not drinking.

You might find AlAnon - a support group for relatives and friends of alcoholics - useful. Hopefully it exists wherever you are!

 

[WriterMom]

Thanks for the quick replies. My husband was court ordered to attend AA for 2 years after his 3rd DUI before we were married. So, for the first 2 years of our marriage he actually was in AA. He thought it was....and I quote...."stupid". I attended Al Anon for a few months after we had the kids and I realized that his behavior was not really changing. However, even though I got ALOT out of it emotionally, it made my husband FURIOUS as well as my in-laws (who think that my husband is the best thing since sliced bread!) So, I quit Al Anon because it was actually making my marriage more difficult, not to mention the snide comments from my in-laws.

To be honest, other than my husband susceptibility to addictive behaviors he's a pretty good guy. I'm just tired of living on this roller coaster ride of a marriage. When he asks me "what do you want?" I simply say "I just want to be in a normal marriage. Comfortable, secure, happy, balanced, nothing fancy, just NORMAL" Is that too much to ask of a husband?

Michelle

 

[Mela'h]

Living with an addictive person can really blur the lines between what each of you are personally responsible for. If you want to learn how to live with an addict, if you want to learn what you are and are not responsible for, you need to go back to AlAnon. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself and don't let anyone else's co-dependency stop you from going.

Praying for you and your husband

 

[Ceridwen]

It sounds like your husband has symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. Like his extreme focus on a certain activity that he will drop later. There is good pharmaceutical and professional therapy these days for people who suffer from this malady.

 

[Yasha]

Living with an addictive person can really blur the lines between what each of you are personally responsible for. If you want to learn how to live with an addict, if you want to learn what you are and are not responsible for, you need to go back to AlAnon. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself and don't let anyone else's co-dependency stop you from going.

Praying for you and your husband

Great post....true and to the point.
WriterMom,
Been 'round the world and back again on this subject in my life and my marriage family's life. It's a long road paved with diligent steadfastness to come against the rebellion of addiction.

Mela'h is right. You NEED SUPPORT to realize your responsibilities and your sanity. The whirlwind of addictions can grow stronger than you anticipate, especially if you are an effective force against the pattern. I personally do not think you should let your heart and spirit be alone against all this. Besides Christ, you NEED the fellowship of ALAnon or, better yet, a Christian based 12 step program to support you.

Praying for you, fervently, today. I "MADE IT" through this fire from two fronts, so far....personally,as a teen....and then again as a Mom of a stepchild with a severely alcoholic Mother. WHAT a nightmare! Still recovering from our son's ravaging of this family, with a broken heart. It might take me a few years to fully regain my footing, I guess. We lost him over all this. He is alive and sober, but gone. Says he'll see us in Heaven......and, I had LOTS oF HELP.

Don't go it alone. Isolating with this disease will harm YOU! Believe me.

Love in the Lord, Sha