Devastated

[jameseb]

I would quote practically every single one of these posts so far and shout, "YES!"

LoveJC9,

This man is a cancer in your life - he is eating away at your self-esteem, your sanity and even your soul. I want to put a fine point to this: stay away from him. Don't call him, don't try to search him out, don't answers his calls, nor even ask others about him - if he puts himself into your path, then tell him if he ever cared a single ounce about you he should leave you alone.

The man is a USER. Which also means he'll probably come snivelling around again once you're no longer giving him attention so you really need to learn to cut him out of your life - at least for now, at least for the time being while you try to get some balance back in your life and clear your head.

I truly hope you will listen to us all here. I'll be praying for you.

 

[Im_A]

I know you guys are sick of hearing this but I am losing my mind and really can't talk to anyone in my life about this because of my living arraingments.

Yesterday Richard and I were talking and he is thinking of leaving again. It told him if he did it was really going to break my heart. His response was it has been broken before. This from the guy who I really feel in love with because of the Jesus you could see all over him. Where did that go?

Good for him. He's being real, honest, and if he's not a significant other, then there's no reason for him to be really that concerned with that. Good for him. It is harsh, maybe out of place, but hey at least he's being honest. Should clear up things about him to you.

Maybe a godly man doesn't have the Jesus all over him. It may still be there. Why would his faith leave simply because he said a statement like that?

We talked some more and our little "incident" came up. He said it was just lust and that it can't go any where. That I should feel good that I am pretty enough for someone to lust after. I guess that is supposed to make me feel better - NOT... I told him it may have been "just lust" for him but I love you and it wasn't just lust for me.

He's right. If someone lusts after someone it means they find you attractive. Everyone should feel good about that. It'd be different if someone tells the person they are attracted to what sexual position they want them in when they don't know them. That there would probably disgust must as it should and would give a different type of feeling.

Yet, it is a rather stupid thing to say to make someone feel better. Whether right or wrong, that's not something to say. The statement before is better than this one.

I wanted this to get better not worse and it keeps getting worse and worst. Next thing you know I am going to find out I am pregnant, because we all know "your sins will find you out".

This explains all them other posts. The chance for you to find out your pregnant states a thousand words.

All I can say is what do you expect from a man who is morally conflicted between Christian morals and his desires?

My advice, if you continue to live there, don't be getting sexually involved with any of the men that live there. Not for some Christian morale but for the sake of, well easier mental living there and maybe consider if your going to give into your 'sins' it would be more wise to do it with someone you don't live with, and someone you are actually involved with and not just some type of 'friend' in some 'godly' household, or better yet, someone you know, and to stand by no doubt what you struggle with believe, maybe a better 'time' would be worth consideration for your own life.

 

[LadyL]

Sister,

I feel like I can relate to you (somewhat) and I definately feel your pain. I will echo what everyone says- let him go and leave him alone.

Here is something that people do sometimes- putting people above themselves- and that's not healthy. We are to love others as ourselves, not idolize them or try to fix them or try to save them.

I cut someone out of my life who I tried to "save" and believe me, it's been nothing but blessings and freedom ever since. Not that I think I was in love with him, but I think I was confused for awhile about my feelings for him. Now that I've distanced myself( and that was hard to do) I can see how unhealthy our "friendship" was, how I ended up sacrificing a lot of my own self-esteem. That didn't seem like it at the time, but that's what it was. I continuously allowed myself to be in that position because I kept thinking that I didn't want to abandon him.

I had to realize that God not only wanted me seperated from him to allow myself to get back on track, also because it was better for that man as well.

I'm sorry that you are in this position because I know how hard it is to let go, but I am praying for you to find your strength in God to move on.

And trust that once you do, you will find that everything is OK. The sun will shine and you will begin to heal.

 

[white dove]

Laurie, you need to realize this man does not care for you and obviously, from his actions, does not love you. He's using you. Period.

You also need to either start taking people's advice or stop asking for it. You've asked for advice, we've given it, you don't listen.

That said, I'm praying that you make the right choice.

I've read through most of the responses and find this one to be pretty much exactly how I see it. It's very tough-love and I think that is what is needed now.

LoveJC, you need to find strength in the Lord to do as you must and stop validating every single harmful element in your life. You need to truly seek out God, not those around you and rise up on those wings that He gave you. Sometimes, the scariest moves in our lives are the most necessary. I think given your history, you already know this. Remember.

You and your daughter deserve a life far better than this. You owe it to her and you owe it to yourself to be the strong one you are. Underneath the woman you see in the mirror is that woman. Let her out.

 

[Strongdad]

Some of the truth written above is harsh... but it's the truth nonetheless.

I would recommend you heed the words from most of your friends here - and do what's right...

I'm sorry for your hurting - and I will be praying for you

 

[leothelioness]

Get into therapy to help you identify what attracts you to these types. What makes you want abusive men/relationships? What causes you to want to "save" someone who is so fundamentally screwed up? Finding out the answers to that would be a step in the right direction.

 

[Orange_County_Chopper]

Yes, this definitely sounds like codependency.

 

[Fremdin]

I really want to say kind and comforting things, but you are very quickly becoming the author of your own downfall.

 

[LoveJC9]

Thank you everyone for your post. I am just trying to spend more time in my room and away from him, and he has been spending more time painting so we aren't seeing each other all day every day.

It is hard to live with someone you are very much in love with and have to avoid them.

I don't want him to leave even if that would be best for me because he would be smoking crack in a week and would end up back in jail. So, I am just doing my best to avoid him. It is a big house, I can do it most of the time.

 

[jameseb]

I don't want him to leave even if that would be best for me because he would be smoking crack in a week and would end up back in jail. So, I am just doing my best to avoid him. It is a big house, I can do it most of the time.

You can't hold yourself responsible for another grown adult. God created us with the will to do as we please.

Honestly, I think you should ask him to move out - it is obvious that his continued presence is causing you pain and distress... and is that healthy for you, for your daughter? If not for yourself, please consider your daughter.... children are much more perceptible than people give them credit for.

I'll continue to pray for you.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Take action to protect yourself in this.
Meaning, either let him leave, or find a way to handle the situation in terms of letting someone know about it.
If you are loosing your battle, that is no time to start fighting someone else's battle. So in this, you need to let Richard do what he wants to do and let God handle him, and you need to step away from him and work with God on what you need to handle. That first step is always the hardest, but it brings the peace one needs.

 

[LoveJC9]

You can't hold yourself responsible for another grown adult. God created us with the will to do as we please.

Honestly, I think you should ask him to move out - it is obvious that his continued presence is causing you pain and distress... and is that healthy for you, for your daughter? If not for yourself, please consider your daughter.... children are much more perceptible than people give them credit for.

I'll continue to pray for you.

I can't ask him to leave. It isn't my place. I would leave before I did that.

My daughter is actually staying with someone else in the church for a little while, so she isn't having to deal with her mom being a basket case.

 

[Im_A]

I can't ask him to leave. It isn't my place. I would leave before I did that.

My daughter is actually staying with someone else in the church for a little while, so she isn't having to deal with her mom being a basket case.

Right there.

Your daughter is now living with someone else in the church while you live in a house that you had sex(the comment about possibly being pregnant gave it away) and supposedly fell in love with a druggie? Are you more focus on your love for some man than your own daughter? Sure sounds like it. Your worried about him leaving because he will go back to drugs, WHEN YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE? UNBELIEVABLE!

How about you leaving the house? Don't you have any other family members that can help you out with a place to stay? A good place(regardless if they are Christian or not because if this is the house of a Christian pastor, the house you live in is NO GOOD!) for you and your daughter to start over?

 

[jameseb]

I can't ask him to leave. It isn't my place. I would leave before I did that.

My daughter is actually staying with someone else in the church for a little while, so she isn't having to deal with her mom being a basket case.

Perhaps I don't understand - is it his or your house? If it is your house, why can't you ask him to leave? Of course if these are too personal to discuss, my apologies, and I understand if you do not wish to answer.

 

[LoveJC9]

Right there.

Your daughter is now living with someone else in the church while you live in a house that you had sex(the comment about possibly being pregnant gave it away) and supposedly fell in love with a druggie? Are you more focus on your love for some man than your own daughter? Sure sounds like it. Your worried about him leaving because he will go back to drugs, WHEN YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE? UNBELIEVABLE!

How about you leaving the house? Don't you have any other family members that can help you out with a place to stay? A good place(regardless if they are Christian or not because if this is the house of a Christian pastor, the house you live in is NO GOOD!) for you and your daughter to start over?

No, I have no family - so I really don't have a lot of options as far as where I am staying.

I don't want to see any of the people who live here leave because of the addictions in their lives. I want to see them all here where they are "safe" from that.

My daughter is staying with some friends for the summer with their kids. It isn't a forever thing. It is where she can be with girls her age. I see her 4 days a week so it isn't like I gave her away.

 

[LoveJC9]

Perhaps I don't understand - is it his or your house? If it is your house, why can't you ask him to leave? Of course if these are too personal to discuss, my apologies, and I understand if you do not wish to answer.

We live with my pastor and his family. There are also 6 more people who are basically in our situation who live here.

My pastor takes people who struggle with addiction into his home and disciples them.

 

[jameseb]

We live with my pastor and his family. There are also 6 more people who are basically in our situation who live here.

My pastor takes people who struggle with addiction into his home and disciples them.

It sounds like your pastor is running a halfway house. If that is the case, I can see why it isn't possible for you to make this guy leave.

However, is your pastor aware of the personal torment this relationship you have with this guy creates for you? Is he even aware of the physical relationship?

I'm sorry you are in this difficult position, and I hope you will consider perusing the web for places near you that might provide a better enviroment for you, or even for him.

Here's just one link I found: Halfway Houses

 

[Im_A]

No, I have no family - so I really don't have a lot of options as far as where I am staying.

I don't want to see any of the people who live here leave because of the addictions in their lives. I want to see them all here where they are "safe" from that.

My daughter is staying with some friends for the summer with their kids. It isn't a forever thing. It is where she can be with girls her age. I see her 4 days a week so it isn't like I gave her away.

Umm yes it is. You are divorced from your kid because of your choice of lifestyle because the right choice is that she is not in that life that you have there, and the fact that you let it come to being, means you gave her away. Most mothers that I know, don't let their life come to a point that they have to hand their child over because they are being an irresponsible parent.

You gave her away because of your chaotic lifestyle. You admitted it just a few posts above.

My daughter is actually staying with someone else in the church for a little while, so she isn't having to deal with her mom being a basket case.

Ok so you can't just up and move quickly that is. No extended family I take it? Even at the cost of moving to another state? How about like someone that doesn't take in strangers into their house that you could move to start over inside the church?

You can have so much hope and goodness for someone, but it don't matter when you can't even live good for your own child. What do you think would happen if say someone would meet you, and make a judgment on you based on the information you have given us all this way to now? Are they going to think, she's such a great person because of her undieing care for people that screwed up their lives? Or are they going to remember that your child is living with someone else because 'her mom being a basket case'?

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

My pastor takes people who struggle with addiction into his home and disciples them.

no offence, but it doesn't seem like your pastor is "discipling" very well. I don't think this is a good or healthy situation for you to be living in the same house as you have feelings for him and slept with him and he's got a drug problem, while you have got a daughter. He obviously used you and took atvantage of your feelings for him. You and your daughter are both better off if he leaves. Since you refuse or deem yourself unable to take care of the situation yourself by either leaving or letting the guy leave, I think you need to take it to your pastor. Have him deal with it, and find a different living situation for either you or the other guy.

 

[LoveJC9]

My daughter was gone for the summer before any of my latest events came up. I wasn't saying she left because I am a basket case. All the girls her age in church are spending the summer in the country with a family that has all daughters, horses, four wheelers, a pool. It would be no different than her going to summer camp.

Yes, my life is screwed up right now, but I am not a horrible mom. I love my daughter more than anything in this world and would do anything for her. I didn't just give her away.