Detachment Parenting?

[surrealist247]

Hi!

Is there a group on here or any subset of you that practice detachment parenting? ie I do not breast feed, cosleep, or baby wear. I believe in cry it out and sleep training. Basically, it is the opposite of attachment parenting.

 

[akmom]

There is no forum here for something that specific. However, any topics about parenting young children should get feedback in this forum or the Christian Families subforum.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Hi!

Is there a group on here or any subset of you that practice detachment parenting? ie I do not breast feed, cosleep, or baby wear. I believe in cry it out and sleep training. Basically, it is the opposite of attachment parenting.

I sure hope not

 

[surrealist247]

We are at the mall, in the grocery store, at the beach..we are ...non AP parents!

We may even be living next door to you, Ms. Sanctimonious. But since there are no formal groups for detachers, I will use the regular forum.

I'm sure Jesus would love how judgmental you are. Do you kiss your kids with that mouth?

 

[Hetta]

"Detachment" parenting? Why would someone want to be "detached" from their child?

Poor baby.

 

[surrealist247]

Hetta mis understand. People who don't breastfeed and co sleep and babywear love their kids just as much as people who do and are equally attached to them. The term detachment parenting comes from Earth reaction, or more to the point a backlash, to attachment parenting. Many of us find attachment parenting to be overbearing and unhelpful. But everybody, whether they are attachments parents or not, is attached to their kids. We are quite attached to our daughter.I asked about any groups of detachment parents because sometimes when you post for advice or feedback you get drowned out by attachment parents who instead of telling you what formula to try, rag on you for 20 minutes for feeding your kid formula at all.

 

[ValleyGal]

Is that a real name for a real parenting theory? Detachment parenting?

I don't necessarily think that is "detachment" except the part where it's about responding to crying. If you know the baby is not hungry and is dry at bedtime, and they fuss, let them fuss. But if they are crying, it means they need you. It's the only way to get attention. They have a need, and you as the parent are obligated to care for that need. And yes, babies do need to know their parents will respond to their needs - even needs of belonging and knowing there is another person around.

Personally, I've never believed in allowing baby to sleep with the parents except in the cradle in the same bedroom during the first 3-4 months. After that, they should be in their own room with a baby monitor. That is not a "detachment" issue, though.

As a parent, I think it is important to form a healthy attachment with offspring. This initial attachment has a significant impact on their future romantic relationships. Secure attachment does not come from letting them sleep with you, breastfeeding (although it is a contributor) or ignoring their pleas. It does come from being responsive to their needs, spending time with them, caring for them, gazing at them, and as they get older, playing with them and teaching them.

Here are a couple of links about attachment theory:
Attachment Theory: How Early Attachments Shape Behavior
Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The practice of "detachment" can put your children at risk of attachment disorders. I've worked with a few youths with this disorder, and the social problems they have as a result are very, very unfortunate.

 

[surrealist247]

Hey ValleyGal. Thanks for your response. I do not think we're that far apart. If you google detachment parenting, you will see it came up and blogs and articles as a term that separates parents who practice AP from parents who don't. It is not really a formal thing, it is more of a cultural thing. I disagree with you that breastfeeding create Testament. I do not think it does anything to help that. As I posted in another thread I was not very close to my mother. It is true that she bottle fed me. However, she was very close to her mother and her mother used formula also. There has not been a single woman and my family to breastfeed since the advent of formula and we are all doing just fine. Tons of people are attached to their parents about breastfeeding. But we are largely on the same page about co sleeping. Also, I do spend time with my child. I am a stay at home mother. I play with her and interact with her and talk to her on a regular basis. But when she has been fed and then offer toys and have her diaper changed and she still cries, I tend to just let her cry it out. As long as she is not sick

 

[ValleyGal]

You are welcome to disagree, but there is medical evidence that the hormone oxytocin is released during breast feeding. This hormone is responsible for human bonding. It is also released during and immediately after sex (more in women than in men). You can disagree with this evidence if you'd like. But I was unable to breastfeed, and I still had a good bond with my son. So I do believe it is a contributor, but not the only or even major contributor.

 

[surrealist247]

Thanks ValleyGal. We may not agree, but I appreciate your civil and well thought out response.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Nobody said you have to wear you kid 24/7 or cosleep with them every night or something. But completely detaching from your kid is extraordinarily unhealthy for them.

 

[surrealist247]

We very much love our baby girl.

 

[akmom]

I think the term "detachment parenting" is misleading. I was starting to suspect a troll. What you're describing is basically the way most of us born in the '70s, '80s and '90s were raised. And no one called it that.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

What is "detachment parenting"???? I nursed and co-slept with most of my kids. Nursed because it was cheap and easy. Co-slept because my husband was at sea. We never did "sleep training". The kids all eventually slept all night. Never did "potty training" either yet they were all out of diapers by 3.

I can't imagine listening to my little one crying it out. Its so much easier to comfort the child and gently rock them or nurse them to sleep. I miss those precious moments of snuggling my infant or toddler while they fell asleep.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Hi!

Is there a group on here or any subset of you that practice detachment parenting? ie I do not breast feed, cosleep, or baby wear. I believe in cry it out and sleep training. Basically, it is the opposite of attachment parenting.

This is nothing to brag about, since you worried about not being able to bond with your daughter. But your babies three month old, so I'm not getting the cry it out part. So far your teaching her that no one will comport me, if I cry. I heard people do this, but never totally got it. What you call attachment parenting, I call good parenting. Maybe you should try it and therapy.

 

[akmom]

I hadn't made the connection that it's the same poster.

Yes, at three months old, babies aren't on a regular sleep cycle. I did do sleep training with my children (not cry-it-out), but none of the baby books I read recommended it before four months, because newborn sleep is so disorganized neurologically. And night feedings are still important at this age in terms of nutrition, not just bonding. If she's three months old, the window for starting to breastfeed has obviously passed, but you shouldn't be ignoring her cries for hunger. Have you discussed this plan with her pediatrician?

Baby-wearing is a just a nice way to hold your baby and still have use of your hands. Personally, I didn't find nap times to be sufficient for getting things done. Especially since I often made them my nap times too! So I baby-wore at home. It doesn't have to become an obsession, where you are holding your child every moment of her life. But if you haven't tried it at all, I think you should. Like anything else, there is a use for it. The only alternative for a wakeful baby at that age, I think, is a swing. Or really tired arms.

Co-sleeping isn't for everyone. I did it, but I'd never recommend it if you might roll on your baby or just can't get restful sleep with an infant on you.

 

[Just4Jesus]

Wow I would go crazy. I can't stand to hear my babies cry. I have a 21 month old a 3 year old, and 6. They all tend to find a way to my bed because they are either lonely, scared or just want me. No I don't get sleep but my babies know I am there. Breastfeeding is a choice but who wouldn't want to give their babies the best?(if you physically can) But again, every parent gets to choose how they raise their kids.

 

[LesleyAnne]

I was a bottle-fed baby and I am extremely close to my mum. I chose to breastfeed but I do not believe that mothers who bottle-feed are less bonded with their mothers.

I think it's the term "detatchment" that is throwing people off. Babies have to be left to cry and learn to self-sooth. I am a mother of an 18 month old and 4 month old triplets. It is simply impossible to pick up a child everytime they cry. When 3 are crying and there is only me they are going to have to deal. I adore my children. I would gladly give my life for any of them but it's simply not possible to comfort all of them. So they have learned to self-sooth. If they are dry and fed and they are crying I will check on them. If I see they are not in pain or any discomfort I leave them to cry it out and they fall asleep. However on the off chance that one continues for a period longer than normal I will take action. I don't think this makes me colder or any less caring than other parents.
I do not baby wear unless we are at the Zoo or somewhere with the whole brood all day. I do not believe in co-sleeping.

I am VERY attached to my children. At the heart, not the hip.

 

[akmom]

Baby-wearing for you, Lesleyanne, would be quite the sight!!

 

[InfinityandBeyond]

As someone who is studying Early Childhood Education I would say that it's mainly a cultural thing. Some parents want to stress individuality at an early age. Ways to do this are not co-sleeping, which goes hand in hand with self soothing.

Some parents want to use co-sleeping, breast feeding, and other methods to strength attachment. What the big debate is is really what people consider to be needs. Whether you are DA or Attachment you are meeting your babies needs. You change them, feed them, put them down for naps, etc.

Some people don't see formula as meeting a baby's needs because breast milk is tailored to your child and helps their immune system.

Some people don't see allowing self soothing as meeting a baby's needs because the baby is crying and some people see that as, the baby is crying because it's needs are not being met.

That being said, there is no right or wrong way. We are told to encourage breast feeding for at least the first year, as indicated by the American Pediatric Society. But that doesn't mean everyone has too.

For formula there's not a specific brand I recommend, but just be very careful to check the ingredients. Some have the same ingredients that are used in drywall. You want it to be full of iron, as babies need more iron than we do. Look for vegetable oils for fat, as it should have fat, but be careful with the sodium and (sometimes) sugar levels.

Also, be sure to only buy ones made in the USA, that's probably the most important thing.

At the daycare I work at we use Gerber's Good Start.

Also, I would stay away from Enfamil/Enfagrow. I don't have any experience, but I've heard stories.