Desperately need help over my mother

[SharonL]

Rowantree - my heart goes out to you.

Don't dispair in how you think - you can only take so much. At one point things was so bad for me taking care of my mother, cancer surgery, my mother-in-law dying and my father dying - all at my house. My mother-in-law and my mother did not like each other - I was always in he middle - One day I had had all I could take - I went outside and pounded on the trunk of the car and said 'God you promised you wouldn't give us more than we could take' - my husband was in the doorway and said 'don't talk to God that way' - but God knows our hearts and he knew I had all I could take. The next Sunday my mother-in-law died and the next Sunday my dad died.

So don't be ashamed of what you think. God knows your heart.

As far as your mother hurting you - I had the same thing all my life - not abusive, just mentally abused with criticism, etc. But there came a time when she hurt me so bad that I cried for 2 hours and declared right then and there that she would never again hurt me - that closed the hurt door for me. I still continued to do for her and talked to her and all, but I never again took what she said to heart and let it hurt me. She told me I had grown hard hearted and I would answer to God for that - whatever it was - I had to do it to survive.

You have got to have a free day to get off and if necessary, just sit in the park. Your brain must have some relief. I don't know what kind of agencies are available there, but pick any of them, just cry out to anyone that will listen - see if someone will just come and relieve you for a day. Don't give up - keep trying all the agencies.

This is ok for you to post here, please keep reaching to us - we are here for you - wish I was closer - I would come and relieve you. But you have people that care here, so don't cut us off - let us know how you are feeling and what is happening.

You don't have to argue with your mother - just listen to her, smile and just make small conversation, but just declare today that you will never again allow her to hurt you. Praying for you and write anytime, either here on PM - but we are here for you.

 

[loved33]

It's funny - I have not been on the forum for quite some time - except for a peek now and then. But this morning I felt prompted , urged to log on.

I'm so grateful to God - He is with you and cares for you so much.

I do know other people in your type of situation and so could ask for particular details of how they got their help.

God knows everything - He is so kind .


I am in the UK , I was informed that Careline is the best place to start.


At Careline - you can share how things are and tell them what you are facing - and how you are coping - or not coping. They are there to find out what you are entitled to, what help is available for you.


You could express your concerns about dementia to an Admiral Nurse - their info is on Dementia UK website.


I don't know if it would help you - but maybe write a list of what you absolutely need, and also a list of what would make life easier.

Then you will have it crystallized and ready to share with anyone who will ask questions etc.

It can be exhausting dealing with forms and questions etc.


With all the other emotional pain you have been struggling with - important to pace yourself - easy does it hey?

I'm thinking 'first things first'.


Your first most pressing need is to unpack the boxes and get the rubbish taken to the tip - yes?

This would give you some freedom within your actual living space and make life easier .

You sound like you get out sometimes - but are at home a lot.


I'm thinking email the churches - see if there is a church even in the next big town, that has a good youth ministry and a lot of outreach.

I'm thinking if you google Christian outreach - and the name of your nearest biggest town - it should throw up a lot of possibilities.

Then write to the pastor or person in charge of outreach - and tell them the situation with not being able to find a church ....you need your boxes moving / tip ....hubby disabled - you not doing so good - ask them if they could send anyone to help.


Christian leaders are always getting their outreaches out there.


They would be delighted to help - to be Jesus's arms and hands ...someone is in prayer meetings last week praying for people to come to their church ....to come ...people who are lonely , depressed, hurting.....and you getting in touch ...for them ...would be an answer to their prayers.


If you are low on energy , maybe aim to write one email a day.


God will send help.

 

[rowantree]

Sharon, thankyou so much. My heart went out to you, too, when I read what you have gone through. I know what you mean about pounding on the trunk of the car - I have done that kind of thing too. I am at the stage where I feel I can take no more. There is even more than I could post on here - so so much. It is all going on all at the same time. One of the things is a court case on our house. It is too long a story to tell, but we have to go to court to lift the blight on our house and to stop us not being able to sell it ever. I get so scared of having to live here on my own. Our neighbour is persecuting us in the middle of all of what is going on for us personally. She is totally merciless and would attack a disabled man in a wheelchair, with words and actions, threatening us with court action, via a letter that she sent to us. I just don't know how much more I can take. I really don't.

I think, yesterday, I had reached the end, and just cried out in here. I didn't know where else to cry out. Social Services would not listen and neither would any of the other agencies. More than anything else in the world, I do not want to be on my own with this any longer. I also want my house to be rid of all the mess and boxes and stuff that is all over from the move. I want help and I can't get it. That way, once I get clear and sorted out, I might just be able to clean up and keep clean by doing a different room each day or every other day, or something like that. I can't do housework very easily you see, and I need to get this house clean again. I also need to be able to walk through the house. At this moment I can't. So I can't look after anyone properly. I am just in such a terrible mess both in my house and in my mind.

I need a routine and I can't get one. Things are just getting worse and worse and worse, and out of control entirely. I am scared.

I am so sorry to go on like this. There is just so much. My husband is not definitely suffering from dementia but I do think he needs to take a test and I have asked him to do so today. He finally agreed - we will wait to see if he really does it.

Yesterday, because of how bad I felt, and because I was feeling so ill too, and unable to cope with all of it, I reached out to my mother. She does not care too much about me, but I just didn't know where else to reach out to. I had tried everywhere. I needed loving. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to have some compassion on me. She was horrible when I did reach out to her. This is nothing new. Not so long ago I had a cancer scare. My doctor told me that it was very likely I had cancer. I was scared. One day, in my fear, I sat next to my mother (she was sorting some things in her bedroom and she had sat down on the bed for a few moments) and told her how scared I was, and I was almost crying. I held my hand out to her, for her to take. She just turned away from me and pursed her lips and then scorned me with her words. There was no way at all that she was going to be of any comfort to me at all.

I know that I cannot turn to my mother, and normally I don't. We have not always lived near to each other anyway. But now, we do, and now she is sick and elderly. But I thought that as I have been there for her over the past three years, for her to pour her troubles out to, she might just be there for me. But she wasn't. I realised that all she has done is used me. I keep on thinking that she might change. But she won't. I know that. I cannot have her hurting me so deeply any more. I cannot take it any more. She has hurt me all of my life, and it has to stop.

I know that I am alone. Except that now, I have all of you good people in here. You will never know how grateful I am to you all. Thankyou for letting me reach out to you. And thankyou all for responding so generously. You are all wonderful. God bless each and every one of you. xx

 

[rowantree]

Loved, I am crying now. Everyone is reaching out to me here so much. ALL of you have reached out to me so lovingly and so practically too. THANKYOU. I am crying just because your kindness has released the tears.

I will try to reach out to the churches. I am not sure what there is - I live in the wilds LOL. Our county is wild !!!!! I think that must be why I am so wild LOL. My husband is Catholic (techinically I am too but was not always - I used to be in an evangelical church) and I know he would not take kindly to any other denominations muscling in. He does not really like me going anywhere else, and especially to the more evangelical type churches. But he will have to get used to it !!!!!! I know that it is what is in the heart that matters and that it is where God is that matters. I know that it is people who are so often Jesus's arms and hands. We have tried our Catholic churches and nothing is doing any good. We cannot get our needs across to them. I have given up. I hate getting all denominational though. I am not into that kind of thing. I simply look for where Jesus is and would not want to hurt any Catholics in here. Please forgive me if I have spoken out of turn. I would not want to do that - I am simply speaking as it is here.

I am getting all flustered now as I wonder if I have said too much. I don't want to hurt ANYBODY.

My greatest need is for a church. It really really is. I simply want somewhere with fellowship and where I can be with God. And He with me. A space of my own, where I can be me.

loved, yes, the greatest practical need is for the boxes to get unpacked. Also there is stuff all over the house, as I tried to unpack, but because of the chaos of the move the packing at the other end was a mess. It ended up that I brought things that should have been taken to the tip. But because I was on my own and my husband was in hospital, I didn't do the job properly. It was chaos. Stuff got left, stuff got brought, stuff got broken, stuff got lost LOL. What a mess LOL. But I need to get straight so that at least I can try to get some kind of routine going and be able to watch my husband and watch what he is doing to make sure we are safe and everything is alright. This exhausts me.

I will try those organisations that you mentioned loved. Thankyou for pointing them out to me.

Hey, ALL of you have been wonderful, each in your own special way. THANKYOU a million times. God bless you all. xx

 

[seeker78]

Rowandtree,
Your family is supposed to be the ones to be there for you and protect you. To be betrayed by your mother is hard to hear and I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. I know the power in forgiveness, you may know it too. I've been able to see how people that hurt me have been hurt by someone else so I see that sin tends to live on and on in the lives it touches. Its easy to keep it going. To make a decision that it's going to stop with me has helped me feel victory and not let the other person/sin have power over me anymore. I believe the Holy Spirit at work in us allows us to do this, just as the spirit of the sinful nature allows us to keep hurting each other.

Jesus said he said he did not trust himself to men because he knew what was in a man. He loved men fully knowing what they were capable of. Adopting Jesus' perspective helps me. I accept people are going to hurt me, especially when they are not living as a disciple of Jesus, but I'm going to love them anyway in hope that my love will lead them to the Light that saves them the destructive path they are on. This has led me to a place that I am no longer a victim, even when I am hurt. At the same time, you still have to know when to not "cast your pearls before swine".

If you can read the book of John, I believe you'll find hope in the words and they will give you strength in this. *Hugs*

 

[SharonL]

Rowantree - when you get a moment please go to my web page - it is Holy Spirit inspired poems and stories. God has ministered to thousands in these pages, just keep reading through it - there will be something that will jump out to you and it is God tapping on your shoulder saying 'this is for you.'

Diamonds from Heaven - Run Toward the Goal

Go to the index page and there are hundreds of stories there.

 

[loved33]

don't know if you have ever used this one

disabled living foundation helpline - that is in front of yellow pages for your area.

the 'careline' i mentioned - i just checked is not in yellow pages - i think it is attached to your local council - tends to be set up that way.

just google careline - with the name of your local council - that should then show the right number to call - they can set you up with a social worker and things should get easier with a social worker helping you

if you get a social worker you can tell them about the bath lift being too heavy for you and they may be able to arrange to have a walk in shower put in with maybe a chair he can sit in. I know an old lady that was in my last church - she had that done for her after she became ill.

 

[rowantree]

I am lost now.

 

[rowantree]

I DO love her. And I DO forgive her. I am lost. I can't take no more.

 

[rowantree]

It was too soon. I should not have posted any of this.

 

[flaglady]

My dear lady, you shouldn't be struggling with all this alone. There are many agencies "out there" that will help and it all starts with your GP. They are invariably the portal to all forms of help. I know the Social Services are not inclined to get involved with self-referrals. They prefer people to be referred by their GP. Other than that, Help the Aged will help and can assist you in applying for benefits to which you are obviously entitled but filling in the forms is a maze which you need a specialist helper to assist you. The Citizen's Advice Bureau does this wonderfully well and they will probably also know of agencies or groups who will help you out.

I also say forget your mother. If she has other children to help her, that's more than you have. You have nothing to feel guilty about there. Your hands are full dealing with your husband and your own troubles. Which reminds me that there is another agency that might help with him: the Alzheimer's Society. As for getting him tested, that again is your GP's call. Why is he not being more involved in these issues? That's his job.

You could also phone your local council and ask them if they know of any volunteer groups that could help tidy things up for you. Are you a council tenant? If so, they should get your toilets repaired if you phone them. If you are a private tenant, then it should be your landlord.

Finally, you sound like you could use some counseling and you can get this through Mind.

I wish you good fortune and God's grace in your search.

 

[SharonL]

Thank you Flaglady - I knew you would answer my call - you work with some of these agencies so the advice given here is from a veryl knowledgable person.

 

[RuthD]

It's okay that you posted here sweetie. I do the same thing at times. Thinking that I shouldn've have posted stuff. Plenty of seeds were planted by people to you. Things that you can try now or put on the back burner for later use. Please do something nice for yourself. You deserve it. Love you!

 

[rowantree]

I thank you for your time but you have not understood it - or me. I will take my leave now. I should not have posted in here. I do know all of those things. It just hasn't worked in our case. I am not going to explain any more. But yes, I and we have tried all of those people and also the GP. I explained in my posts what had happened with the GP. n

I am not going to post any more. Thankyou so much to those who have been so helpful. I am grateful to you. But far too much is being assumed here and I did try to explain but probably not so well. I will leave it now. I am not understood. I wish I had not posted.

 

[rowantree]

Ruth - our posts just crossed. I was replying as you were replying LOL.

I am not going to post any more because I am not going to open myself up to this. We have done all of the things suggested and I did say that right early on I thought. I am not elderly. I do not need counselling and would not ever accept counselling, having had such bad experiences in the past and so has my husband. But of course no-one could know that.

I am not some kind of person that I seem to be being judged to be.

We own our home - the people who sold it to us defrauded us. There is a legal case going on. We did get the toilets mended after the Bank Holiday. I never said they were still broken. We have done EVERYTHING possible to help ourselves and I resent being talked to like someone just did. I am not stupid. I have contacted every helping agency in our town. The Carers group - and if you read my posts you will see what happened there.

There is not much point in my saying any more. I am obviously making a fool of myself.

I am not a stupid person. I know that is available and they have failed us. That is all.

I will take my leave now. All that I needed was some caring and I thank those of you who gave that to me. IU d

 

[Criada]

(((((((((((((Rowan)))))))))))))
PMing you, sweetie.

 

[rowantree]

Thankyou to those of you who have helped so much. You know who you are. This thread is going to be closed now. But there have been some wonderful replies and such a lot of love here - I just could not take what happened at the end. Many many thanks to so many of you. Much love to you. xx

 

[SharonL]

rowentree - please do not leave - all that was said was in love and if it was misunderstood I am sorry. The way it sounded was that you didn't know which way to turn. However now that we understand - let's just talk - no more advice - just let us know how you are doing. Praying for you.

 

[loved33]

It was too soon. I should not have posted any of this.

I do know what that feels like . It is so very hard to need help and support - and to post here - it can be such a help - but also - I too have shared things out of a broken heart running over .....and then later on felt like...uggh wish I hadn't.

You can make a request for the thread to be removed - if it's hurting you now.

I think a lot of people, especially in the depression forum, can have this happen to them. I guess it's the nature of feeling low .


Sorry if I said anything out of turn .


Please know I was wanting to be kind - but I do sometimes get that wrong -it's a weakness of mine - helping too much....


sorry

xxx

 

[RuthD]

Praying for you my dear friend. God bless you always.