Desperately in need of help

[pilot101]

I'm not good at this sort of thing. I'm 24 years old and grew up in a christian household but lost my faith at about 21/22 and am now floundering. I've exhausted all other options and am now appealing to strangers for help becasue I've run out of options. If you can offer me advice, or even hope, please post something - but I need something concrete.

The reasons for why my faith started to fail aren't too important - let's just say that I had a some major heartache and god simply was not there when I needed him. Don't tell me he was there, or that I wasn't looking in the right place, or that he was testing me and helping me through it. He wasn't there. You know that rather saccharine 'Footprints' poem thing about the man walking down the beach at the end of his life? I used to like it but now it makes me feel sick, I mean actually sick. It's c**p and it makes me angry.

That said, I don't understand why I was deserted when I most needed god but it was a couple of years ago now and things have changed. I'm older and the pain has diminshed and I am trying to give the whole thing another try - to try and get my faith back. But 'disappointment in god' doesn't even come close to my disillusionment. The worst thing is that losing my faith has changed me, and not in a good way. I'm colder, more cynical, less outgoing, less confident, less sociable, angrier, more bitter, lethargic and tired. My entire personality has changed. My girlfriend has (in bitter irony) now become a christian and our situations have totally reversed in that she's this born-again christian and I (to my own disgust) mentally roll my eyes every time she tells me that god loves me or that he's got a plan. It's nonsense. The thing is, I don't want to believe it's nonsense - and I don't want to be rolling my eyes any more. I want to beleive like I used to because it made me happy, it made her happy, I was a better person and because (I think) it might be the truth.

What I don't need is people telling me to 'just trust in god' or 'just pray to him' or quoting scripture at me. Been there, done that, it's zero use to me. I'm tired, and cynical and struggling to be receptive. I need concrete ideas on how to soften my heart again and how to open myself up again. I need advice that might actually help me because I miss the old me.

Please please please help me.

 

[dhuisjen2]

Hi Pilot,

I feel for you, bro. Concrete help here is a bit difficult to offer, which I guess explains why your thread hasn't picked up any responses in the first couple of hours.

Let me toss out a new perspective (maybe) at you: there's a lot of religion that's man-made, and there are a lot of "God's promises" that are based on wishful thinking, but that does not mean that God does not exist. It does, however, mean that you might not find him within the pat certainties that you grew up with.

One's early 20s are a nasty time for religiously idealistic young people, in ways that adult converts don't ever seem to understand. There are plenty of folks who say to themselves, "My life was h**l back then (young adulthood) because I was on the wrong path, but now I have seen the light and..." What they don't get is that life then is hard to deal with no matter what you believe at the time! For one of the best psychological portraits of that phase of life from classical literature, check out Dostoyevski's "Brothers Karamazov". It's not saccharine c**p, and it might just touch you where you are at.

You say how you hate feeling like the cynical b*****d that you think you've become, but now that the pain of your original crisis of faith is residing, maybe I could venture to say that God may have saved you from something far worse than cynicism: naive fundamentalist bigotry. I can say that because I believe he saved me from the same.

There's plenty more I could say about this, but let me first stop and ask, is any of the above ringing true for you? Are we on the same page? Talk to me.

 

[AllTalkNoAction]

Hi pilot,
You are right to be angry - Jesus was angry at the religious people who mis-represented God's way with dead powerless religion. Like me you were led to believe you were a christian, or at least you know what it is, but when the chips are down you have no real faith in God to *do* anything because you've never really seen him do anything, and you wouldn't know what he wants to do either.

To demonstrate - Jesus says you must be "born again" but if you are honest (and you certainly seem to be), do you actually know what this experience is ?

It's easy to be happy when you don't need anything, but this situation has shown you that the happiness of your youth was in fact shallow, dependant of circumstances. God wants to give you better than you ever knew before - a joy that only comes from knowing his leading and having his love and vision. For that you are going to have to be *truly* born again by receiving what Jesus gave all his disciples:-

" they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance." (Acts 2v4, 39; 10v44-48)

Then getting to know what you've got, by being involved with others who see the need.

 

[bfly]

I feel sory for your girlfriend. She deserves better.

God is working on you. God has all the time in the world. Do you? Seems your time is running out.

You have made it very clear what we can or can't tell you. You know the answers. You have made it clear you really have a high regard for God and what He can do. But we have a Big Loving God and He loves people like you. What has man done for you? You have written very clearly what satan has done for you. God is calling, Don't wait too long.

 

[onikirimaru777]

I feel sory for your girlfriend. She deserves better.

Perhaps I'm stupid or something, but what does that mean? If you're implying that his girlfriend deserves someone better then him (original poster), then I'd have to call you a wonderful hypocrite.

Abbadon (not the angel, but the poster on these forums ) said it in a very wise way: start over. Disregard previous assumptions of God from either side of the spectrum. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is that when we "knock, the door shall be opened to [us]." I've been pondering for some time that there really are no negative circumstances, only chances to develop positive ones. Perhaps I'm simply too young to comprehend the wisdom or foolishness of what I just said, but I hold the view as truth. I got pulled over for something as stupid as doing a "rolling-stop" through a stop sign when no one was around, but through that I had to fight back my anger at the cop for doing his own job to realize that God has ordained authority and we should respect them and God for doing their jobs. I also learned something as simple as obeying the law, no matter how idiotic it seems.

I know my own sorrows can never relate to yours. I'm a sheltered teenager. What do I know? I do know that you are trying, and for that you will find God. Remember, the paths are long, but perhaps the Destination is so much sweeter at the end. But, what do I know...

 

[tapero]

Hi, the only way for your heart to get softened is to pray to God for it; that I know of.

 

[VickiY]

If you would like to approach this with logic, I'd have to say that you simply do not KNOW what you need, but you know what you WANTED, and they may not have been the same thing.

Any parent knows that allowing a child to have only what it WANTS (candy, TV, no naps, etc.) at the expense of what it NEEDS (nourishing food, exercise, sufficient sleep, etc) is not showing care or love for that child.

The child simply has a meltdown and screams that it hates spinach, wants TV, and doesn't see WHY it needs to go to bed at 8 pm...and generally concludes with "YOU DON'T LOVE ME" and "I HATE YOU" at the long-suffering parent, who is merely trying to give the child the things it needs to grow.

We can't see what God can see, in the same manner that as three year old children, we could not see WHY we had to eat our spinach when chocolate chip cookies taste better.

Years from now, you may look at the situation by saying "WOW...I'm so glad that that did not happen the way I wanted it to!"

It's not necessarily that God has a "plan"...but that He does give us what is best for our spiritual growth, even if to us at the time, it tastes like spinach, so we think He doesn't love us.

I will pray for your hurt and anger to be healed, and that the faith you replace the anger with be stronger than ever.

 

[pilot101]

I've just logged on to see if anyone replied to my message and I am completely humbled by how many people have posted replies and messages - a huge thanks to you all. It's massively encouraging just to know there are other people out there who care enough to read the message and say that they will pray for me, a complete stranger. I'm afraid I cannot reply to all individuals because I'm so overwhelmed by the responses but many thanks again.

I think that dhuisjen2 had it quite accurate with the thing about god-made religion versus man-made religion. I was hugely disappointed by the promises that failed to materialise when I needed them most - and now I'm wondering how many of them were promised by god, and how many of them were promsied by man in god's name

god's got a plan for your life - really? I see no evidence for this, either in scripture or in my life (or in the lives of those around me) I'm sure he knows what's best for us, and wants the best for us but I don't think he's got a plan for us and I think we can go whichever way we want without his intervention.

Sorry, something's come up - gotta cut this short. Will post properly later.

 

[onikirimaru777]

Perhaps you are a Deist *scratches head*

Meh, don't have many words o' wisdom this time around *shrug* Gotta go to work. God bless

 

[Emmaleuk]

After reading this post, I really felt the need to reply.
I myself have had some times in my life where I have completely doubted God. Times where I have said God is not with me, God is not near me...and then afterwards thought perhaps me thinkng this was preventing him from getting close to me.
Think of it this way, If your hands are tied behind your back with rope and a million knots, its going to take you a long time to get sorted on your own. If someone comes along and offers to help you, you can either accept their offer, or deny it, ignoring them and instead being determined that you can do things your own way and on your own.
What I am trying to say is, that maybe you felt God wasn't there because you had created a barrier in which your were under an illusion which you refused to admit was an inaccurate judgement.
God loves you, he really does. You may not want to hear that, but I want you to hear it and i;m sure everybody else wants you to hear it. Jesus died for you on that cross, if that isn't love what is? I know that deep down you believe and know this. I have no idea what has happened in your past, but clearly it has deeply affected you. God wants to help you, but if you don't allow him then he can't.
I'm sorry that you are feeling down at the moment...I wish there was more that I could say...

God Bless You

Emma xxx

 

[AllTalkNoAction]

To many people, Jesus dieing on the cross 2000 years ago is cold comfort when you are in some sort of torment.

People that say the gospel is just that do God and man a disservice.

Jesus death on the cross was to allow people to actually receive the powerful life, love and mind of Jesus Christ through the infilling of the Spirit, as detailed in Acts 2v4; 10v44-46; Galatians 3v13-14, Romans 5v5, Jude 20-21.

Anything less is missing the mark.

 

[Deb7777]

I'm not good at this sort of thing. I'm 24 years old and grew up in a christian household but lost my faith at about 21/22 and am now floundering. I've exhausted all other options and am now appealing to strangers for help becasue I've run out of options. If you can offer me advice, or even hope, please post something - but I need something concrete.

The reasons for why my faith started to fail aren't too important - let's just say that I had a some major heartache and god simply was not there when I needed him. Don't tell me he was there, or that I wasn't looking in the right place, or that he was testing me and helping me through it. He wasn't there. You know that rather saccharine 'Footprints' poem thing about the man walking down the beach at the end of his life? I used to like it but now it makes me feel sick, I mean actually sick. It's c**p and it makes me angry.

That said, I don't understand why I was deserted when I most needed god but it was a couple of years ago now and things have changed. I'm older and the pain has diminshed and I am trying to give the whole thing another try - to try and get my faith back. But 'disappointment in god' doesn't even come close to my disillusionment. The worst thing is that losing my faith has changed me, and not in a good way. I'm colder, more cynical, less outgoing, less confident, less sociable, angrier, more bitter, lethargic and tired. My entire personality has changed. My girlfriend has (in bitter irony) now become a christian and our situations have totally reversed in that she's this born-again christian and I (to my own disgust) mentally roll my eyes every time she tells me that god loves me or that he's got a plan. It's nonsense. The thing is, I don't want to believe it's nonsense - and I don't want to be rolling my eyes any more. I want to beleive like I used to because it made me happy, it made her happy, I was a better person and because (I think) it might be the truth.

What I don't need is people telling me to 'just trust in god' or 'just pray to him' or quoting scripture at me. Been there, done that, it's zero use to me. I'm tired, and cynical and struggling to be receptive. I need concrete ideas on how to soften my heart again and how to open myself up again. I need advice that might actually help me because I miss the old me.

Please please please help me.

Hi Pilot , welcome, I would say that is one way that shakes people faith in God, the feeling God was not there for you. It challenged Jesus on the Cross, the pain and suffering made his humaness cry out with you, My God! My God! Why hast thou forsaken me! Pain and suffering can do that but being grounded in God and seeking the Father's will in all things prepared Jesus to be able to overcome what seemed like rejection to still be able to love the Father and be able to resign his will to accept that moment of his life and to ascend to the Father even though it meant going through the cross to be able to reach the Father. Pain and suffering came your way and you were not able to continue your journey with God but I'm afraid there is no other way to reach the Father but to carry our Cross and to not lose faith when we suffer in this world because that can very well happen in a world that has rebelled against God by choosing to disobey his one command in the garden to become like Gods. We live in a world that God warn Adam and Eve about if they choose to disobey. Jesus also warns us for our good what can forever separate us from our God. He is the way, the truth and the life to lead us to the Father. To serve and follow him is to be able to get through this world with his wisdom and help to let nothing stop us from reaching the Father. The Father says this is my beloved Son, listen to him. So, I invite you to listen to Jesus to be able to reach the Father and discover who you are in Christ eyes. He calls you to take up your cross and follow him and if you shall fall, he will help you get back up and be counted among the sons of God, God bless. Its a very good sign that you want to continue the journey after this pause, our journey can be a mix of joy and sorrow, just try to take it one day at a time and try not to get overwhlemed as much as possible.

 

[missionette]

Have you ever read the poem "And a Meadowlark Sang"? I read it first a while back in my English class and I was reminded of it when reading your post, Pilot. I realize you may not appreciate this kind of poetry, but I think it really does apply in many peoples' lives.

I know I'm just a kid and I haven't experienced a lot of hardship. Yet, I understand how hard it can be to feel God when we're going through rough times. But feeling isn't everything. We have to be careful not to let our emotions and physical senses be mislead. Once they are, we can't see beyond our feelings. We can't have faith in God.

I'm not saying you haven't been looking in the right places for God, I'm saying that maybe you shouldn't have been looking with your eyes, listening with your ears, or feeling with your hands.
God is more than the five senses, he is more than we know.

If you really truly want to be with God, stop trying to feel him. Have faith in him. Believe with your heart not your mind because brains are incomparable to spirit.

Maybe your girlfriend is making you uncomfortable because she has something you want but can't seem to find. If that's true, for the sake of your relationship you need to speak to her. Tell her what you've told us. I think you might be surprised to see that she has a lot more insight into your life than you thought.

I can't make you do or say anything, but I'm asking you to stop looking at your past with the thought of, "where was God when I needed him," but rather, "where was I when God seemed so far away."

I look forward to hearing more from you.

missionette

 

[Mrs12bfishin]

Have you ever read the poem "And a Meadowlark Sang"? I read it first a while back in my English class and I was reminded of it when reading your post, Pilot. I realize you may not appreciate this kind of poetry, but I think it really does apply in many peoples' lives.

I know I'm just a kid and I haven't experienced a lot of hardship. Yet, I understand how hard it can be to feel God when we're going through rough times. But feeling isn't everything. We have to be careful not to let our emotions and physical senses be mislead. Once they are, we can't see beyond our feelings. We can't have faith in God.

I'm not saying you haven't been looking in the right places for God, I'm saying that maybe you shouldn't have been looking with your eyes, listening with your ears, or feeling with your hands.
God is more than the five senses, he is more than we know.

If you really truly want to be with God, stop trying to feel him. Have faith in him. Believe with your heart not your mind because brains are incomparable to spirit.

Maybe your girlfriend is making you uncomfortable because she has something you want but can't seem to find. If that's true, for the sake of your relationship you need to speak to her. Tell her what you've told us. I think you might be surprised to see that she has a lot more insight into your life than you thought.

I can't make you do or say anything, but I'm asking you to stop looking at your past with the thought of, "where was God when I needed him," but rather, "where was I when God seemed so far away."

I look forward to hearing more from you.

missionette

Dear Missionette,
That was beautifully written. God has certainly blessed you. May He continue to do so.

 

[heymikey80]

What I don't need is people telling me to 'just trust in god' or 'just pray to him' or quoting scripture at me. Been there, done that, it's zero use to me. I'm tired, and cynical and struggling to be receptive. I need concrete ideas on how to soften my heart again and how to open myself up again. I need advice that might actually help me because I miss the old me.

OK, but .. if you've ever tried to soften something up, you know it either takes a whole lotta pressure or a whole lotta heat. I'll try to be as gentle as I can, mkay?

I long for friends and students like you, who see they've lost their way, and who want to get back on a better road. In fact I long for it in myself, as events haven't shown me God under every rock or at every turn, either. Some things just don't turn out in beer and skittles. I think there's a reason for that, too: but hey, be cynical for awhile. Just don't believe that there can't be a reason for it.

There are millions of people hurting worse than you, are there not? If you think there aren't, I have a list of just what's happened this past year to my friends. Heart-wrenching.

In all of this God seems to be aloof. And yet I'm here. He pulls me into His situations. I think these things swirl around me because I've been through these things, before. And no, I'm not "the better for it". I'm distant, I'm detached, I reflect and I think about things to keep myself from feeling them.

But I also know you don't want to be in the exact same place as I've arrived. I'd like to help you head off some of the cynicism, some of the detachment.

The reality is that you are going to walk through your life -- you can't get out of it. You have to live your life, grasp the significance of your experiences, and find groups and people you will help. Yes, you read that right. The one thing that has kept me going is that redemption for others promises -- and cashes in on the promise -- to redeem my own experiences. Your struggle will ease the struggle for others, and their relief will relieve the pains of your struggle. It's paradoxical. But it's true.

 

[heron]

I got pulled over for something as stupid as doing a "rolling-stop" through a stop sign when no one was around

Did that once when the stop sign had disappeared! Still got a ticket.

But feeling isn't everything. We have to be careful not to let our emotions and physical senses be mislead. Once they are, we can't see beyond our feelings.

When I was a teenager, being a Christian was very unique and fascinating. I had friends who jumped in because it was cool...and they drifted away when it wasn't. I don't think they were as fickle as it sounds, because the gospel was presented to them in a very limited flash version.

Little kids are presented a gospel of sheep and arks and guys in hoods. If they leave the faith, they might have only left the characters behind, like a tv show with too many reruns.

Your struggle will ease the struggle for others, and their relief will relieve the pains of your struggle. It's paradoxical. But it's true.

I would guess that most of us hit a point where it's just God and us... no supportive Christian friends, no wonderful conincidences and miracles--just the raw reality.

Strong character comes from times like these. You finally understand others' weaknesses and sufferings, their rationales... it's upsetting to stagger on a cliff edge, but the experience feels so rich afterward.

I wonder if part of the mood you describe is impatience with yourself. Just think about it--you don't need to explain. When I'm angry at God, I'm usually upset with my own slowness in achieving what I'd planned to achieve...income, respect, whatever. I always want to be one step ahead of myself, and that prevents contentedness.

When I stop to listen to what God is saying to me, it's usually more laid back than what I'd dreamed up.

Your girlfriend probably wishes that you could be on the same page, and maybe you aren't considered completely acceptable until/unless you change your outlook. Wanting similar interests is typical of relationships, but make sure you're not changing just to please her. Stay honest with her. Stay as honest with God as you are now.

.






​

 

[Dondi]

I have permission to repost inHisgripKim's Three Sparrow testamony. I hope it is an encouragement for you, pilot101.

The Sparrow


"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10: 29-31

Several years ago I was raped for the third time in my life. I had already accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior and was a very young Christian prior to that last assault. I hit a low point after the assault, becoming severely depressed and dysfunctional. I flew out to Houston and was baptized. When I returned from Houston, I found a church and started attending bible study. We were in Mathew when I was home alone and in an emotional slump. I was on my belly crying out to Jesus (cathartic sobbing). I told Jesus that I wasn't getting Him the way I should and I could feel the separation. I pleaded with Jesus to send me a sign or open my eyes and ears that I may receive His message to me. The very next day, I was pulling out of a store parking lot and a Sparrow fell out of a tree. I stopped the car and went to the Sparrow that was flapping around, unable to fly. I scooped the little bird in my hands and watched this precious creature from God take its last breath. I cried for a moment until I remembered the verses in Mathew that I had just learned in bible study about our value in God's eyes. I suddenly realized that was God's message to me.

After that experience, I started seeking the Lord in prayer, scripture, worship, and music. I looked for the Lord everywhere and in everything. About two weeks after the fall of the Sparrow, I was jogging and listening to a song "Praise to You." I started thinking back to that fallen Sparrow. As soon as I did, I felt something beneath my feet and I knew what it was before even looking down. When I did look down I witnessed my second fallen Sparrow at my feet.

Christmas was drawing near and I was watching a documentary on Jesus. I had learned that Jesus was born during the lambing season and not December 25th. When I went to bible study several days later, I opened my bible at random and started reading about the cleansing of Solomon's temple. King Ahaz had turned away from God and started worshipping other Gods and idols. Ahaz had boarded up the temple. When his son Hezekiah became king, he cleansed the Temple and made many cleansing sacrifices. About this time, Pastor walked into the Sanctuary and I mentioned to him that I had learned that Jesus was born during the lambing season. He said that was accurate but it made sense to celebrate His birth on December 25th because that's when Judah Maccabee recaptures Jerusalem and restores the Temple. I thought it was odd that I had just read about one cleansing of the Temple and Pastor mentioned a significant other. I felt again God was talking to me.

Christmas morning I spent gift exchange at my sisters. I went to the back bedroom for a short nap because I had to work that night. I was dreaming about this huge temple where people were singing praise. The temple was like the size of a residential block. I was awakened from the dream by one of my sisters who was cleaning (vacuuming/cleansing). I got up and went into the living room where my other sister was watching a documentary about Jesus. I sat down and tuned into the program which was talking about Solomon's Temple. There on the TV was the remains of the Temple steps. I was floored. Temples at bible study, in my dream, and now at my sister's house Christmas morning. I felt compelled to read the bible so I went to my car to fetch mine. I sat out under the porch and read about Hezekiah again. While I was reading about the cleansing, I heard this bang against the window of the house. I looked over and there on the ground was a stunned Sparrow. I prayed at that moment to let that Sparrow live. I sat still and that Sparrow did not move for about five minutes. It then turned its head so its eye was on me. I sat still for about another five minutes. Family started calling me in for gift exchange. I stood up slowly and as I did, the Sparrow rose again and flew away.

I have chills when I recite this story. Pastor said that God is making me holy and that three Sparrows is a holy number. He felt God would not send any more. Jesus rose again in three days. "Oh Immanuel, God is with us."

May I encourage all Christians to seek God in every breath and heartbeat, for this is when we hear God communicate to us. Don't let this world distract you from the Kingdom of Heaven and keep you separated from God. Stay connected to God and blessings unfold.

Amen
InHisgripKim

 

[Wizzer]

I'm not good at this sort of thing. I'm 24 years old and grew up in a christian household but lost my faith at about 21/22 and am now floundering. I've exhausted all other options and am now appealing to strangers for help becasue I've run out of options. If you can offer me advice, or even hope, please post something - but I need something concrete.

The reasons for why my faith started to fail aren't too important - let's just say that I had a some major heartache and god simply was not there when I needed him. Don't tell me he was there, or that I wasn't looking in the right place, or that he was testing me and helping me through it. He wasn't there. You know that rather saccharine 'Footprints' poem thing about the man walking down the beach at the end of his life? I used to like it but now it makes me feel sick, I mean actually sick. It's c**p and it makes me angry.

That said, I don't understand why I was deserted when I most needed god but it was a couple of years ago now and things have changed. I'm older and the pain has diminshed and I am trying to give the whole thing another try - to try and get my faith back. But 'disappointment in god' doesn't even come close to my disillusionment. The worst thing is that losing my faith has changed me, and not in a good way. I'm colder, more cynical, less outgoing, less confident, less sociable, angrier, more bitter, lethargic and tired. My entire personality has changed. My girlfriend has (in bitter irony) now become a christian and our situations have totally reversed in that she's this born-again christian and I (to my own disgust) mentally roll my eyes every time she tells me that god loves me or that he's got a plan. It's nonsense. The thing is, I don't want to believe it's nonsense - and I don't want to be rolling my eyes any more. I want to beleive like I used to because it made me happy, it made her happy, I was a better person and because (I think) it might be the truth.

What I don't need is people telling me to 'just trust in god' or 'just pray to him' or quoting scripture at me. Been there, done that, it's zero use to me. I'm tired, and cynical and struggling to be receptive. I need concrete ideas on how to soften my heart again and how to open myself up again. I need advice that might actually help me because I miss the old me.

Please please please help me.

Hello Pilot101,

I just came across your post from about 10 days ago. I agree pretty much with your disdain for syrupy sayings like the ‘Footprints’ poem. There is a lot of so called Christian feel-good material which is not really worth the paper it is written upon. C**p (the term you used) is a pretty good adjective for much of it. Anyway, many people have been through something like what you are going through. I went through some very bad times in my early to mid twenties: it happens. But whereas you are allowing your bad experiences to drive you from God, I reacted quite the opposite: there was nowhere else for me to go.

First, realize that much of what you may have been told, or may have experienced, as being Christian truth, is probably nothing more than feel-good c**p (just like the ‘Footprints’ poem). The real world can be real tough, and being or becoming ‘Christian’ won’t necessarily make the tough times disappear. But becoming a real Christian can enable you to deal with the tough times which will most probably come regardless of what you believe.

A first recommendation I have is that you pick up a bible (NKJV or NASB for instance) and sit down begin searching for truth. If you are sincerely looking for God, then it is His responsibility to reveal Himself. If you make a sincere effort, and if He exists, and if there is any truth in the bible, then He and He alone must respond. (And a sincere effort would involve many months of intense inquiry on your part.) And there is one book in the bible which is very relevant to your situation, though it is very difficult reading. The book of Job describes the story of a man who was very devoted to God. He was so devoted that God pointed him out to Satan. Satan then told God that Job was only devoted to Him because God blessed him and protected him. Satan informed God that if He would but remove His blessing and protection, that Satan could turn Job against Him. And God, Who had baited Satan, accepted Satan’s challenge. (You see, God was so confident in Job’s faithfulness that He baited Satan in the first place.) Now Job was totally unaware of this whole exchange between God and Satan, all Job knew was that he had been intensely faithful to God since his youth and then one day, all in one day, his whole world fell apart. Job then demanded an audience with God. Job thought that God owed him an explanation. Well, to make a long story short, Job finally got that audience, but God turned the table on Job. God reasoned with Job and essentially asked Job that if He, the infinite God, were the One who created the whole universe, then who was Job, who a mere man, to demand God to answer his questions. Job realized that God was in the right. God did not have to reveal His purpose to any man, and Job realized that his proper response was to simply remain faithful even if he did not understand the circumstances. The moral of the story is that God may explain something, or He may not, but we are not to judge Him. Even if He keeps us in the dark during our earthly sufferings, our place is clear, we are to remain faithful to Him. You see, if Job had known what was happening to him and why, he would have gladly born the burden, and that is good, but what God really wants, and what defines real faith, is when one is willing to suffer without the knowledge of why, and yet through it all remain fully confident in God. When you can do that, then you will have arrived at what Christian faith should be.

Sincerely,
Wizzer

 

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The reasons for why my faith started to fail aren't too important - let's just say that I had a some major heartache and god simply was not there when I needed him.

I see what you're saying, and I get it. What I have to say in response isn't an easy thing to accept, but it's truth. It comes down to whether or not you can handle it.

In life, there are good experiences, and there are bad experiences. Among the good, are the amazingly beautiful things that often cause us to look to God with thanksgiving. Among the bad, are the amazingly horrific that sometimes cause us to look to God for the "whys" and the "how could you's" and the "where were you for me???"

The thing is, many people assume that becoming a Christian makes us immune to pain and sadness. Many people assume that become a Christian makes us immune to heartache and feelings of loss. Many people assume that being a Christian means that we, our loved ones, and our relationships, will always be protected, because of our heartfelt prayers or dedication to Christ.

Here's the hard and cold truth: We're not immune. We have to go through life, through pain, through loss, through death, just like everyone else.

Where is God in it? God is beyond what we want Him to be. We want Him to be the big daddy who swoops down with His angels and makes it all go away. Sometimes that is the case, but if you live long enough, you learn that the majority of the time, it's not the case.

Sometimes we find ourselves screaming at the heavens.
Sometimes we find ourselves sobbing tears that feel like they're coming from such a deep part within us that we must surely be dying right there, among them.... but we aren't.
Sometimes we find ourselves turning bitter and cold, shutting God out, because He didn't make that awful thing stop, and keep things the way we felt the most comfortable.

These are all understandable emotions and actions. People will tell you that with time things do get better, and we can look back to see God's mighty hand at work in our lives, especially at the moments we thought He'd abandoned us. It's hard to hear that when you're in it. It's even harder to hear it when you're a few years after the fact, and you've abandoned God, because to think of Him, reminds you of the painful past that caused you to feel alone.

You don't want to hear that God is there. I get that.
You don't want to know that His angels were there to minister to your needs during whatever your crisis was. I get that too.

Getting it doesn't change the truth though.

I know you don't want our personal experiences, because they don't mean cr*p to you, when your experiences are the ones that hurt you. I'm going to walk all over those wishes for a moment though. Some people here know (and some don't), I have cancer. I'm young. I'm a mother. My child is disabled. I lost my husband a few years back. If anybody could stand in the middle of the street and shout "WHAT IS GOING ON??!?!?!" it could be me. I had one of those days 2 weeks ago, where I called a friend and just sobbed, asking "why is God allowing this to happen to me? What good could possibly come from my being without my husband first, having a child with disabilities second, and now having cancer... who am I, frickin JOB???" A week later, I had a panic attack because the cancer I have causes me such severe pain that I just wanted to die, and the thought of wanting to die frightened me so much. I ended up at the emergency room. My point is, I get grief. I get pain. I GET frustration. I get it. I really do. Still, I have to tell you, when the pain gets great, it's Jesus' name that I cry outloud. When I'm afraid for what will happen to my son if I die, it's Jesus' name I cry out. When peace sweeps over me and I can finally sleep, it's Jesus' name that I whisper, because I know He did it.

I don't have a way to prove to you that God is real. I can only tell you that I get pain, suffering, heartache, and loss, and I understand wanting to feel like God abandoned you. I also get that it's a lie. It's a big fat lie, for the purpose of deceiving you so that you'll run fast and far from the One who truly does want to comfort you. Things happen in life that are the cause of things humans created.... (ie: car accidents, loss of a job, broken relationships, murder, sometimes sickness) and things happen in this life because the enemy of God reigns on this earth and his sole priority is to kill and destroy. God has a plan, and you're included in it. The only way to have concrete evidence of God's realness is to turn back to Him, and let Him heal the heartache.

Pray. Just pray. Quietly. Loudly. However you want to do it. In the meantime, I'll pray for you, if you don't mind. Then maybe... if you feel like it, you can pray for me too.

God bless you.

 

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