Desperate!

[Vonz]

OK, I will start this from the beginning. Sorry for any typos I type faster than I can think and often don't stop for corrections.

Due to my need to get this off my chest I will type as I think so I don't loose myself.

OK I will start from the beginning (please read)

I have been in shurch since I was 5 years old. I was raised baptists. All during my younger years I did right by the Lord. I admit I did tell lies from time to time. I did covet my neighbor since I was so poor growing up. I never did drugs at all. Until I was 18 I smoked a joint once and only 5 times in my life.

I was saved and baptized on December 25 1988, I was 18. One thing I remember that my preacher told me was that Satan will be on me now harder than ever since I am now born again. He didn't care before cause I was his and lost in the world. Now that you are saved you have to be on your toes.

I didn't listen. When my father left my mom I went down a dark path. I wanted revenge on the woman that broke up my mom and dad's marrige.

(note back tracking I was 11 at this time, enven though I went to church satan had made his way in even at an early age)

I turned to the occult and found much power in it. I mean if I felt hatred for you and I wished bad things on you, they would happen.

I did fight that off after a while after I became more envolved with Christ. Believe it or not I talk to God and he talked to me via the holy trinity or something. There was diffenately and answer or a conversation going on in my head. I was revealed my gaurdian angel whom I wished to meet. We talked one night till I feel asleep.

(Now this could have been the imagination of a 13 year old boy but seemed real to me)

Anyway as time went on my conversation with God ceased. Maybe cause I was older and innocece lost) I dunno. For some reason God stopped converstating with me. Yet the Holy Sprit still guided me.

When I was 21 I met this girl. Unknown to me since she was always of such high morals in HIgh School. I thought for sure she was a Christain. We started going out. We dted for 4 years then one day she broke up with me. Out of the blue. I was blind sided and soon found out she was dating another.

I was distraught bitter and angry. I prayed and prayed that God would bring her back to me. Then this hatred soon boiled over inside of me. Satan had his foot in the door. I went back to the occult. I wished bad things to her new boyfriend. I wished that she would know the pain I went through. Low and behold all my wishes came true. At this point we did not get back together.

I joined the Navy. My hatred was so black it blinded me. When I was in bootcamp I met a Chaplain. I tried to talk to him. I wanted to get rid of satan. I actually scared this guy and he admitted it. He tried and tried but the hate I felt was too strong.

After I got out of the military I was still filled with hate. I had went through amphibious training and had became a Navy Seal. I was fueled by anger. I believe that hatred alone motivated me. I read books on occult, Antwon Levey (the Satanic Bible) amoung other religions. My heart was so wicked and I was so engulfed by the powers that I had following satan.

To give you an example. I can get friends I knew at the time to back up this story.

A firend in the Navy's mother died. He was distraught and weeped uncontrollably. One of the guys in my Unit said, "man up *****". He taunted him for showing emotion. I looked at him and cursed him and said in 3 days you will know his pain.

3 days later this guy's twin sister died.

Another instance, a guy got me in trouble and I faced Captain's Mast. This guy's dream was being in the Marines. His whole family for generations had been in the Marines. They had all retired from the marines. I was about to face possible court martial. SO I told him that his days in the military are over. The next day this 27 year old guy had a heart attack and was discharged on a medical. I took away his dream.

See how that kinda power can be addicting? It was only when I was in the military I was at my worst. When I got out I actually got a better. I went to church a few times.

I felt s guilty for betraying Christ I never went back and became bitter towards all Christains. I lead a moral life. I didn't drink, use drugs, commit adultery. I mean I lead a good life but filled with hate. I even hated God at one point.

I did eventually get back togehter with the girl that kind of was the dominoe that started it all. BUT I feel that my curses that I set upon her are what brought her back.

Anyway we are married and have 2 children now. I want my children to know God. BUT I have to get back on track with God before I feel I could be any type of mentor to them.

I used google and searched Christain Forums and this is the first site that popped up.

So I come here now asking for help. I have prayed and asked forgiveness. BUT for some reason I feel the relationship I had with God when I was young is destroyed.

I don't hear that voice of guidance that i use to hear. Even though I am trying I feel I have done so much (and i have only told you a little) things in my life to other people though satan, that maybe he can't forgive me. I have been blasphemous.

I know I was saved, and I don't want to be saved again. I feel I should face the sins I have committed. I only ask for forgiveness and him to lead and guide me again. Maybe I am holding on to something which I don't realize and he hasn't accepted my apology.

I ask you to pray for me. I ask you to go to God on my behalf and since I worte this maybe he will actually see I am trying.

Unfortunetly since I work Sundays. I am unable to go to church. I am ashamed to face my pastor of so long ago and admit my doings. I have known him since I was a child.

I can't even find my old bible. I am lost. I have sinned. I was evil. I just want peace in my heart and in my life. I want to know God again. I want to hear his voice. He called me to do service for him three times. Each time I turned my back. I ... just don't know where to turn or go.

 

[lydeanphoenix]

...I want to know God again.

Then start again from the beginning... Truly repent for your sins and acknowledge Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

God knows the hearts of men. He will come to those WHO TRULY seek forgiveness.

 

[aiki]

The Bible says, "neither give place to the devil." (Eph. 4:27) It also says, "and have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them." (Eph. 5:11) Instead of doing as these verses command, you've thrown wide the door to demonic influence in your life and given place to demonic power in doing so. Such demonic power always builds a stronghold on the ground given to it in the life of an individual. These strongholds cannot be broken down except by the power of God.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obdedience of Christ." (2 Cor. 10:4, 5)

God can break the demonic influence you've allowed to grip your life, but He won't do so until you've fully submitted yourself and your life to Him.

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." (Ja. 4:7)

I can't urge you strongly enough to remove yourself from the power of the demonic under which you've placed yourself and get under the authority and leadership of Christ.

"Be sober, be vigilant, for your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour." (1 Pe. 5:8)

Speaking of the devil, Jesus said, "The thief comes not but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy..." (Matt. 10:10a)

What power you've gained from your involvement in the occult is ultimately given to destroy you. Satan, whose power you believe you've obtained, wishes only for your destruction. And he is succeeding, for he has stolen from you the most valuable thing anyone can have: fellowship with God.

YOu sound as though you're ready to return to the Lord. Do you remember the story of the Prodigal Son? What was the father doing when his son, returning home after wasting all his inheritance, approached the farm? He was looking for the return of his boy! And when he saw him coming the father ran to him, threw open his arms and hugged and kissed his boy! (Lu. 15:11-32) God is waiting for you to come home. And when you do, He'll throw wide His arms and embrace you.

We're told in Scripture that "godly sorrow works repentance..." (2 Cor. 7:10) It is appropriate to feel sorrow over the wickedness of your life, but that sorrow, once forgiven, should be abandoned for joy. Cleansed from your sin by the blood of Christ, there is freedom to start anew and take a different course in life than the one you've been following. Don't let Satan mire you in false guilt and shame, halting you from moving into the abundant life Christ offers.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 Jn. 1:9)

No amount of feeling bad will make up for your wrongdoing. God nevers forgives us on the basis of how much we sorrow over our sin. He forgives us because of Christ's sacrifice for our sins. That sacrifice was perfect, and no amont of our sorrow makes it any more perfect.

The apostle Paul wrote,

"...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 3:13, 14 )

There's more I could say, but I'll wait on a response from you before I write anything else.

Peace.

 

[unkern]

The bible tells us that when a demon is released he wanders tirelessly then tries to go back to his home with even stronger demons, to stop this from happening takes more than just you we need a body of Christ. I would recommend finding a good home church or bible study where you can really participate in your faith and be a "body"

 

[Vonz]

Very nice replies from all of you, especially yours aiki. Last night I was typing rather quickly cause I just wanted to get that all out.

*QUOTE AIKI*
"We're told in Scripture that "godly sorrow works repentance..." (2 Cor. 7:10) It is appropriate to feel sorrow over the wickedness of your life, but that sorrow, once forgiven, should be abandoned for joy. Cleansed from your sin by the blood of Christ, there is freedom to start anew and take a different course in life than the one you've been following. Don't let Satan mire you in false guilt and shame, halting you from moving into the abundant life Christ offers.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 Jn. 1:9)

End Quote*


This is what I believe is holding me back. Even though I have asked for forgiveness and started trying to open communications. I think that my sorrow and shame is exactly that and something I will have to work on.

It is the guilt I guess that holds me back. Like a child that has done wrong and afraid to approach his parents. I noticed even when I pray it isn't as powerful and fulfilling as it once was. Maybe because the shame is still in the back of my mind? I dunno.

I know after reading that which you said puts a finger on my root cause. I need to reach deeper into my heart and pour it out to him. I have no idea why it seems so hard to do. Almost like something doesn't want me to. Does that make sense?

It is hard to explain what I am feeling when I pray, but it is like I have trouble giving myself my all and really hand in hat begging for forgiveness. The more I think about it now I can't figure out what it is that is stopping me. I am really confused and troubled now that I see that it is me holding me back.

I will be back later on tonight. I like where you were going aiki.

 

[aiki]

This is what I believe is holding me back. Even though I have asked for forgiveness and started trying to open communications. I think that my sorrow and shame is exactly that and something I will have to work on.

Uh huh. So, what do you mean by "work on"?

It is the guilt I guess that holds me back. Like a child that has done wrong and afraid to approach his parents. I noticed even when I pray it isn't as powerful and fulfilling as it once was. Maybe because the shame is still in the back of my mind? I dunno.

This may well be part of what is going on. I would repeat what I wrote earlier:

No amount of feeling bad will make up for your wrongdoing. God never forgives us on the basis of how much we sorrow over our sin. He forgives us because of Christ's sacrifice for our sins. That sacrifice was perfect, and no amount of our sorrow makes it any more perfect.

The apostle Paul wrote,

"...but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 3:13, 14 )

What value is there in continuing to feel guilt and shame over something God has forgiven and forgotten?

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." (Ps. 103:12)

"He will turn again, He will have compassion upon us; He will subdue our iniquities, and you will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea." (Mic. 7:19)

You see? God doesn't forgive in half measures. When He says your sins are forgiven, they really, completely are.

And what about Christ's payment for your sins? Is it not perfect? God says that it is. But your continuing to feel sorrow over what God says is done and gone suggests that you believe you need, you must, feel badly. Why is this? Are you trying to pay for your sins? Is feeling guilt and shame a kind of penance? Was Christ's perfect payment not enough?

I know after reading that which you said puts a finger on my root cause. I need to reach deeper into my heart and pour it out to him. I have no idea why it seems so hard to do. Almost like something doesn't want me to. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense. I think you must know that you are in a spiritual battle. Satan and his demons intend to keep you - if they can. They may put up a fight over one whom they have held so completely for so long. For this reason I would urge you to do the following:

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (Ja. 5:16)

No man is an island. You will need some godly Christian men to pray over you. I doubt very much that complete freedom from the demonic powers you've served will come apart from the prayers of such men. In any case, God is stronger by far than all the wicked hosts of Satan put together. He will "...deliver you from the power of darkness, and translate you into the kingdom of His dear Son." (Col. 1:13) He may do this, though, in part through the prayers of the Body of Believers, the Family of God, into which every one who is born again is placed.

It is hard to explain what I am feeling when I pray, but it is like I have trouble giving myself my all and really hand in hat begging for forgiveness.

God never requires that we beg for what He provides freely to us, through His Son, our Saviour, Jesus Christ. You have only to:

Believe that Christ died for your sins. Not just the sins of the whole world, but for yours in particular. This is more than simple intellectual assent. It is belief that orders your behaviour and prompts the following:

Repent of the wicked life you've lived and choose by God's grace to live in a way that honors Him.

Confess your sins to God and accept that, when you do sincerely, He fully forgives them all.

Submit to the Lordship of Christ over your life. From now on obedience to God, following His will for your life, is your first concern.

The more I think about it now I can't figure out what it is that is stopping me. I am really confused and troubled now that I see that it is me holding me back.

I think it may be that there is some demonic resistance to what you are trying to do in moving toward God. You may have a bit of a fight on your hands. Don't let Satan isolate you. Connect to some godly people who can walk with you and support you through this time.

Peace.

 

[GryffinSong]

If this is truly your path, you can buy a new bible. You can find a church that has services on days other than sunday. Where there is a will, my friend, there is a way. Good luck, wherever your road leads. And I hope that you can keep the hatred from finding your heart again.

 

[Vonz]

Uh huh. So, what do you mean by "work on"?





Yes, it makes sense. I think you must know that you are in a spiritual battle. Satan and his demons intend to keep you - if they can. They may put up a fight over one whom they have held so completely for so long.

Yeah, What I mean work on is you hit the nail on the head and I have to keep this in mind when I pray again.

While I was reading this earlier, I had this vile feeling in my gut and a voice in my head trying to convince me this is all rubbish. Lets just say to keep it clean other invoking harsh thoughts. I put them behind me and denied what the voices were telling me. I asked God to help me. I told satan to get away from me.

I closed the browser and went to take a nap. Before I fell asleep I prayed and with some conviction asked God for strength. This time when I logged back on and read your post, I didn't have the voices in my head trying to tell me that your post was... well BS.

Tonight before I go to bed I plan on letting it all out. Leaving it all on the table. I plan on leaving all my sins on the alter of my prayer. I want to fervishly transform myself into what God wants me to be.

This time fill my heart with the joy I once knew when I walked with him. This way without a doubt in my mind I know my sins have been forgiven and to please lift me from my pit of dispair.

Give me the strength to deny the wickedness that once flowed through my soul. Fill me with the light of his knowledge that I have forgotten.

I found a bible that my wife bought. I really miss my old one. It was worn, ragged and tattered but I use to hold on to it like a security blanket. It was given to me by a woman at my church when I was a teen. I couldn't afford one of those nice bibles like most of the others had. She died of diabetes in 97.

BUT, I took that new bible like I use to do my old bible. I use to grab the spine. Hold it up in the air and shake it, then flip it over and scanned the pages that had opened for something that applied to my current situation.

This was the verse that I found.

1 Samuel 15:25
Now I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the LORD."

Is that not a sign or what?

Thanks for your help aiki. I still don't think I am out of the woods yet. Maybe on the right track. I feel I still have a long road ahead.

Yeah GryffinSong I will buy a new one. It really disturbs me now when I think how I could have lost something I use to treasure. Mainly like I said above it was given to me by a real nice and spirtual lady. I feel sadness not only once, cause I found out she had died, but twice cause something she gave to me is now gone forever.

Now I need to find the courage to call one of my pastors from my old church. Or maybe one of my friends, who is a pastor now. It is the shame of it all that makes it hard. I was once highly looked upon in his church when I was a teen.

I would rather I had a drug addiction or commited adultery. Even murder than what I have done. I really can't help but be down on myself for years of stupidity.

One thing too that bothers me too and I know is in the back of my mind. When I was in the military you can't even imagine the horrors I have seen or done. I know there is a scripture somewhere that talks about your king or leaders and something about your are not responsible for the things they have ordered you to do. I just can't find it or remember it.

Anyway thanks for the help and I will stay in touch.

 

[GryffinSong]

Many people in the military have trouble living with what they've seen and done. I encourage you to find support for that, whether through one of the ministers you've mentioned, counseling, or both. These are things no one should have to experience, and I have no clue what it must feel like. My thoughts are with you as you try to heal and grown.

 

[aiki]

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Eph. 6:12)

In this day and age the world - especially the western world - gives little credence to the idea of a devil and demons. It is a foolish Christian, however, who adopts this worldly view of Satan. I've had my share of wrestling with the Evil One and know that his battleground is chiefly in my mind. If he can hold sway over my thoughts, I'm in serious trouble. I believe the best way to fight spiritually is as follows:

1. Stay clean. Don't let unconfessed sin build up in your life. If it does build up, it will serve as a barrier between you and God. Sin doesn't break our relationship with our Heavenly Father, but it does break our fellowship with Him. It is that intimate fellowship that enables us to walk rightly with our Maker.

2. Use your sword. Its the one offensive weapon given to the Christian. What is our sword? (You probably already know this) The Word of God. When Satan sends lies into your mind, challenge those lies with the Truth. When he says you aren't forgiven, quote a verse from the Bible that tells you the truth, which is that you are forgiven. When he says you are weak, quote him a verse that says that you are strong in Christ. When he sends fear into your heart, have a verse ready to challenge that fear. Learn to use your sword.

Read Matthew 4:1-11_

3. Rely upon God. Not yourself. God is the power source for the Christian life. He enables; you simply trust that He will. Don't get confused, though. God doesn't want to give you strength; He wants to be your strength. Its like asking your Dad for money to buy something and instead of just giving you money, He buys the thing for you. This is how God works in the life of every Christian.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil. 1:6)

"For it is God who works in you, both to desire (or, to will) and to do of His good pleasure." (Phil. 2:13)

Oh, and never forget: You can only resist the devil successfully when you're submitted to God. (Ja. 4:7)

I think its really cool when we look into God's Word and He speaks to us so plainly in it.

Sometimes shame is pride in disguise. God says "He will resist the proud, and give grace unto the humble." Don't let your shame (or maybe its pride?) keep you from reconnecting with those through whom God intends to help you. If Satan can keep you isolated, you'll be a whole lot easier to take down. The lion always separates his prey out from the rest of the herd before he kills it.

I'll be praying for you.

Peace.

 

[Angeloffire]

Vonz,

I can explain some of the things you are and have been going through.

First of all, that sick feeling in your gut is a demon. The thought you heard was his. It is a male demon, I can sense it in my spirit from here. He is a strong demon.

When you are angry you send curses. I killed three innocent cats this way without realising it by simply cursing them with my lips and thoughts and was doing the same thing you did to people though I did not realise what I was doing as clearly as you do.

Anger draws the strongest unclean spirits. Then when you think of a person when you are angry, you send them the curse. Speaking your evil desires over them is cursing them as well.

You can't just 'stop' being angry or just say you are sorry. You have to receive a revelation from God to let go of the anger and find true repentance. I wrote an extensive article on my website to help people overcome their anger as I have been through the same thing.

Please let me know if I can help. You can pm any question to me or reach me from the e-mail address on my website.

God Bless,

Angel of Fire

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Vonz,

Can relate to a lot of what you said, especially the power to work destruction on those who ignite your wrath. Have had that "gift" for a long time and at this point don't even need to do ritual or speak a word to them at all -- if someone crosses Moriah, they will soon regret it, period. In fact Them whats living inside Moriah bes actively engaged in driving humans away from it.

You got Navy Seal training -- WOW. That bes huge. It has been a qadesha (hierodoule) since youth.

Like you it feels no hope for freedom anymore. Satan uses it for bait to lure others and destroy all He cannot lure. To disclose this condemns it to a life of alienation and isolation; to keep it secret does no good either; They will attack all who come near. When it tries to escape, to pursue any kind of relationship with God, They sabotage and destroy it. Often They will just "lie low" for a few months and work underground to systematically erode things till They come to a place of reasserting Their ownership of it in no uncertain terms. This bes going on 25 years now.

PM sometime (must friend-list first to get through) if you wanna talk.

 

[Simple_Mind]

Take it one step at a time.

There is good advice from the Christians on this forum. Take one actionable step today (e.g., find your Bible, or if you cant, go and buy one). Take a second actionable step tomorrow, e.g., read one chapter from the gospel of Mark. Take a third step the next day -- pray for forgiveness. Take a fourth step the next day, locate a church which has a service you can attend (whether on Sunday or Saturday or Wednesday). Take a fifth step the next day etc...

One step at a time.

I join u in prayer for reconciliation with the Christian God.

Cordially,
John

 

[EternalMoment]

The bible tells us that when a demon is released he wanders tirelessly then tries to go back to his home with even stronger demons, to stop this from happening takes more than just you we need a body of Christ. I would recommend finding a good home church or bible study where you can really participate in your faith and be a "body"

what that also means is that once delivered, repent. because if you are not sorry, the demons will come back. they are not allowed if you are in a relationship with Jesus Christ.