My apologies go out to you beforehand for this novel I am about to write. I contemplate writing to someone on a daily basis, and I am so overwhelmed to try and reach out to someone, to have hope, to have comfort, to have peace. I write many letters, but never have the courage to send them for fear of rejection, judgment, or a nonchalant response, all of which would possibly send me into a more downward spiral of depression and anxiety. But, today I must try. I must reach out. I must be bold. I must be honest and strong, come what may.
I have severe obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, it centered around germs, but as a teen and on into adult life it manifested into scrupulous religious obsessions. The problem with that, as you can imagine, is I’m not able to distinguish between what is of the Lord and what is OCD or Satan preying on my weaknesses.
Although I wasn’t raised in a strict Christian home, my parents are believers, or at the least, claim to be. I on the other hand, have drowned myself in religion and spiritual activities. It’s hard for my parents, or anyone I’m in contact with, to understand me and what I’m going thru and they all view me as much more devout than the majority of people they know.
After years of struggling with doubts of my own salvation, I somehow managed to get it under control; however, the obsession has attacked that most dear to me aside from the Lord, my husband. I fear with my entire being, him going to hell. He was raised similarly to me, yet wasn’t as involved or obsessed as I am, thus it is hard for him to indentify with my obsessions or anxiety as well. From the beginning we attended church together, and found one about 8 months before getting married that we agreed to join. We both love the church and have grown there. The issue is, he can’t really tell me of a dramatic conversion experience. He has recalled in the past to me getting saved as a child, but indicated he wasn’t certain about it and didn’t really know what he was doing, and asked me if you could do it again. I of course said absolutely and that if he wasn’t SURE he was saved that he could be certain and could know and to let me know if at any time he feels like he may need to do this. Upon pre-marital counseling and joining the church, he told the pastor he wasn’t exactly sure when he got saved but that he knew he had been and he joined via believers baptism as he had told me that he never had been and needed to, which of course our pastor counseled he should as well. All this time, I would go back and forth of harassing him “are you sure,” “did this happen,” “are you certain you’re saved,” “I need to know the exact details, etc.” I have mainly Southern Baptist background and constantly hear of knowing the day and time, the moment, of a dramatic salvation experience. I kept looking for this answer from him, demanding it, etc. Nothing he says or does is good enough for me. I will always find a loop hole or a reason to question. My constant nagging isn’t doing any good at all. He is tired of me asking the same question and demanding he answer, when no answer he gives me satisfies. I was quite frank with him recently and told him I believed him, that he was saved, but I wanted the details. He told me of a time he was a child in the back seat of his father’s truck and asking his mother how you know you’re going to heaven, and that his mother told him it was between him and God and that he had to ask, and he told me he asked God to save him. WHY did he not tell me this before? Perhaps he didn’t feel the need. He is really sick of discussing it and me accusing him of lying. He even told me that when he got Baptized, while he did it for the Lord and for himself, he had hoped that would stop me questioning but it obviously wasn’t good enough. You’d think I would get a grip especially since I had desperately prayed to the Lord that one day we would join a church and that he would get Baptized. I had no idea that it would happen so soon. What a blessing. Perhaps I just need to trust him and the Lord. After all I have seen him come so far in his walk and learn and grow so much. I try and try to do that, but I can’t seem to do so. It’s the nature of my mind, my obsessions, and the devil truly is doing a number on me. I have no joy and it’s causing severe stress on my marriage and in the lives of my family and co-workers. I cry and cry, and have so much anxiety. It’s like Satan is in my head all day telling me, “he isn’t saved, he isn’t saved, he just thinks he is, etc.
I don't know the details of his salvation, I don't know that he walked an aisle and said a specific prayer, but I know that the Bible says in Romans 10 that you must believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord and confess it before men, which he has, so is that all it takes? I saw him profess Christ in front of our congregation before he was Baptized. Do I believe him and move on from this and stop analyzing?
I only want to follow the Lord and do what is right and believe what is biblical, not just what I WANT to believe. I have begged the Lord to take this from me and I begged him before that he would rip us apart literally if it was not his will for us to marry and if my husband didn’t’ know the Lord, to do whatever it takes to part us. The thought of him going to hell cripples me and makes me not want to live. As you can imagine this is ruining my witness to others as I clearly, and quite a miserable and unhappy Christian. I am seeking medical help for my OCD.
I have sought private counsel from my pastor and with my husband as well. My pastor told me that if I didn’t let this go I would lose my husband. I’ve been told my many strong Christian women to trust my husband and trust the Lord ? He truly has never lied to me about anything and his personality is not the type to do anything he doesn’t want to. He is not a pushover. So I must submit it seems clear that his involvement in prayer with me, devotions with me, and church involvement, has been out of his own will and accord, not to please me. But my constant nagging is pushing him over the edge. He has told me he can’t take this any more.
How do I let this go, or should I not? Should I believe him or not? How do I let this go and love him just as he is, as Christ does, and allow him to grow in the grace of God and just trust that he will be with me in eternity? I just feel so hopeless and doomed. Please pray for me. I’m desperate.
I have severe obsessive compulsive disorder. As a child, it centered around germs, but as a teen and on into adult life it manifested into scrupulous religious obsessions. The problem with that, as you can imagine, is I’m not able to distinguish between what is of the Lord and what is OCD or Satan preying on my weaknesses.
Although I wasn’t raised in a strict Christian home, my parents are believers, or at the least, claim to be. I on the other hand, have drowned myself in religion and spiritual activities. It’s hard for my parents, or anyone I’m in contact with, to understand me and what I’m going thru and they all view me as much more devout than the majority of people they know.
After years of struggling with doubts of my own salvation, I somehow managed to get it under control; however, the obsession has attacked that most dear to me aside from the Lord, my husband. I fear with my entire being, him going to hell. He was raised similarly to me, yet wasn’t as involved or obsessed as I am, thus it is hard for him to indentify with my obsessions or anxiety as well. From the beginning we attended church together, and found one about 8 months before getting married that we agreed to join. We both love the church and have grown there. The issue is, he can’t really tell me of a dramatic conversion experience. He has recalled in the past to me getting saved as a child, but indicated he wasn’t certain about it and didn’t really know what he was doing, and asked me if you could do it again. I of course said absolutely and that if he wasn’t SURE he was saved that he could be certain and could know and to let me know if at any time he feels like he may need to do this. Upon pre-marital counseling and joining the church, he told the pastor he wasn’t exactly sure when he got saved but that he knew he had been and he joined via believers baptism as he had told me that he never had been and needed to, which of course our pastor counseled he should as well. All this time, I would go back and forth of harassing him “are you sure,” “did this happen,” “are you certain you’re saved,” “I need to know the exact details, etc.” I have mainly Southern Baptist background and constantly hear of knowing the day and time, the moment, of a dramatic salvation experience. I kept looking for this answer from him, demanding it, etc. Nothing he says or does is good enough for me. I will always find a loop hole or a reason to question. My constant nagging isn’t doing any good at all. He is tired of me asking the same question and demanding he answer, when no answer he gives me satisfies. I was quite frank with him recently and told him I believed him, that he was saved, but I wanted the details. He told me of a time he was a child in the back seat of his father’s truck and asking his mother how you know you’re going to heaven, and that his mother told him it was between him and God and that he had to ask, and he told me he asked God to save him. WHY did he not tell me this before? Perhaps he didn’t feel the need. He is really sick of discussing it and me accusing him of lying. He even told me that when he got Baptized, while he did it for the Lord and for himself, he had hoped that would stop me questioning but it obviously wasn’t good enough. You’d think I would get a grip especially since I had desperately prayed to the Lord that one day we would join a church and that he would get Baptized. I had no idea that it would happen so soon. What a blessing. Perhaps I just need to trust him and the Lord. After all I have seen him come so far in his walk and learn and grow so much. I try and try to do that, but I can’t seem to do so. It’s the nature of my mind, my obsessions, and the devil truly is doing a number on me. I have no joy and it’s causing severe stress on my marriage and in the lives of my family and co-workers. I cry and cry, and have so much anxiety. It’s like Satan is in my head all day telling me, “he isn’t saved, he isn’t saved, he just thinks he is, etc.
I don't know the details of his salvation, I don't know that he walked an aisle and said a specific prayer, but I know that the Bible says in Romans 10 that you must believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord and confess it before men, which he has, so is that all it takes? I saw him profess Christ in front of our congregation before he was Baptized. Do I believe him and move on from this and stop analyzing?
I only want to follow the Lord and do what is right and believe what is biblical, not just what I WANT to believe. I have begged the Lord to take this from me and I begged him before that he would rip us apart literally if it was not his will for us to marry and if my husband didn’t’ know the Lord, to do whatever it takes to part us. The thought of him going to hell cripples me and makes me not want to live. As you can imagine this is ruining my witness to others as I clearly, and quite a miserable and unhappy Christian. I am seeking medical help for my OCD.
I have sought private counsel from my pastor and with my husband as well. My pastor told me that if I didn’t let this go I would lose my husband. I’ve been told my many strong Christian women to trust my husband and trust the Lord ? He truly has never lied to me about anything and his personality is not the type to do anything he doesn’t want to. He is not a pushover. So I must submit it seems clear that his involvement in prayer with me, devotions with me, and church involvement, has been out of his own will and accord, not to please me. But my constant nagging is pushing him over the edge. He has told me he can’t take this any more.
How do I let this go, or should I not? Should I believe him or not? How do I let this go and love him just as he is, as Christ does, and allow him to grow in the grace of God and just trust that he will be with me in eternity? I just feel so hopeless and doomed. Please pray for me. I’m desperate.
