desperate help needed

[IceMint]

Hi all,
Sorry to make this first post a problem instead of an uplifting and encouraging message

I have hit a brick wall, i have no momentum left in me and i got to the point where i need advice from loving christian people like you all are here.

I am in a serious relationship, we have been together for about 2.5 years. We were recently engaged and we are planning our wedding for 1st quarter 2009. Rose is getting everything ready in time. She will be buying her dress this month.

I got to the point in our relationship were i am confuse and seriously doubting getting married. My fiancee and I have been having lots of issues lately, i have been questioning and wondering what our future looks like and to be honest it is not a great sight. I am a working professional currently working full time. Rose, my fiancee went to school and got her papers. She has been looking for work for about 6 months and she has found nothing.
I honestly dont think she wants to be independent and find a job. She is in her mid 20's currently leaving at home, without a job, driving her mum's flashy new car and honestly doing nothing all day. I am not too concerned about money as i will be making good money in the years to come.

On top of that, i am a committed christian who works and serves in my local church. Rose attends church but does not really do much more than that. She is waiting for all things to be crystal clear with our leadership before committing to anything (what she's told me) This is a major frustrating point in our life. I love listening to christian music but Rose always changes my car radio to her cheap local FM station. what am I supposed to do? tell her off? talk to her. The commitement is simple not there.

Another point is that i find her to be so reliant on other people... currently it is he mum... soon it will be me. I have lived a tough life and know how hard life can be. I have been working since i was 16 and worked throughout my college years. I am afraid she does not know how tough life can be for some people.

Other than her non-existing job and lack of effort trying to find one, her poor relationship with church and God she has issues with my mum. Always telling me how she said this... she said that... she gave me a funny look... and all this stuff which i dont know if she imagines or what. I love my mum and even though i am not a mummie's boy I greatly admire a woman who worked hard as a single parent to raise me. I hate it that they cant get along. It just breaks my heart. I love Rose and i love my mum... how hard could it be?

Last but not least... Rose does not have clear goals... I am her goal... having a family and being a mum is probably her only goal in life. We have talked about this, she told me i was looking at her through a magnifying glass; this may be true but i know i can see ahead in life (to a degree) and predict this things. I feel like breaking up with her. I dont want to destroy her... I have asked for a break but she does not want it. I lover her lots and she loves me lots too.

I always thought i was going to marry a loving woman of God, a daughter to my mum, a partner in ministry and an independent woman. am I over analysing everything? Am i wrong and selfish? have i lost my love for her? could it be God turning a warning light in my head?
Sorry this is long but please give me some advice...

 

[BeanMak]

NOW is the time to examin ALL of these things. My suggestion is holding off on making any more wedding plans before sorting this list out. It may work out that you will go ahead with the wedding plans, buy you have raised some flags. And I am sure as you wrote this post, it occurred to you that this isn't one or two minor differences.

You have different goals in life! How can you have a partner to your life if you are on such different tracks. I am sure Rose is a lovely young woman, but do you value her above diamonds and rubies?

 

[dmhforJesus]

Obviously you are telling us this because CF is a place weher you can come and vent or cry or just fellowship - and there are plenty of people here are more than willing to listen and pray for you. I understand what Lynn meant and I do agree with her that you definately need to talk to your fiance'. In addition does your church have premarital counseling classes? Sometimes they help to clear up the red flags whether in a good way or a bad one. Good luck, God be with you.

 

[goldenviolet]

you have some good responses on your posts. one thing i'd like to say over again, is that looking into the maturity and conflicts of marriage is a wise thing. not maginifying glassing it at all. after you get married this would be a huge mistake in alot of ways. but before marriage it's quite a nessesity; to build up upon your spitiual foundations and foundations together and individually. it's a good point that you are talking here. it does indicate that either communication is labored between you on serious issues; or communication has other shortfalls.

that she doesn't want a break: very big red flag. all relationships should take breaks from things. it's valuable to maintain your spirital and physical individuality. married folks will tell you that being one does include the encouragement of indivuality, and maintaining good foundations while apart. getting a break should be talked about and mutual: but absence of recognizing that we can smother eachother in many ways, isn't realistic or mature.

love. love is not always gental. sometimes love can be difficult to manuver. example: when honesty uncovers a bold truth. sometimes the truth hurts; but the truth brings less damage than not exsposing it. saying, "no" to build healthy boundries... verses not drawing the boundries and feeling walked on, or opening the door to loosing pieces of you that are important.

by the way. the exspectations you appear to have of her spiritually and physically with the church, yourself and mom: i see as very reasonable. a marriage should compliment your lives, not complicate it.

foundation. it's all about your foundation with Christ and eachother. no foundation to build upon; is a mixture for being unequeally yoked. xo dee

 

[alfrodull]

Neither of you seems to be acting unreasonably. You just value different things. I don't think things like musical taste, and, more importantly, what you feel called to in life are things you can or should try to change for the sake of a relationship, so I guess it all boils down to whether you can commit to her as she is.

 

[Blank123]

The only thing I can possibly say to you is: Why are you telling us this, and not her?

this is my line of thinking. You need to be telling her exactly what you have written here. Now is the time to air these concerns.

 

[Weasel7711]

Sounds like you are unequally yoked.