desperate for relief

[kicker]

Hey everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. I have prayed and cried until I'm hopeless and exhausted. I feel doomed to an eternity without God because I feel like I am losing my desire to want him anymore. I can't seem to trust God and I fear that I am just calling him a liar. I don't know how I could be a christian and have such horrible thoughts against God. I don't know how to ask God to save me and leave it alone and believe its done. I have no desire to be a witness to anyone and I certainly have no joy and desire to worship. I have such apathetic feelings right now that I don't know what I can do. I take medsa and counsel with someone but it seems my mind has been taken over. Any ideas on what to do?
James

 

[keryakos]

Hey everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. I have prayed and cried until I'm hopeless and exhausted. I feel doomed to an eternity without God because I feel like I am losing my desire to want him anymore. I can't seem to trust God and I fear that I am just calling him a liar. I don't know how I could be a christian and have such horrible thoughts against God. I don't know how to ask God to save me and leave it alone and believe its done. I have no desire to be a witness to anyone and I certainly have no joy and desire to worship. I have such apathetic feelings right now that I don't know what I can do. I take medsa and counsel with someone but it seems my mind has been taken over. Any ideas on what to do?
James

James while OCD is not a spiritual problem you will not find answers or relief for youre theological issues in a pill or in psyco therapy ..You need to divide the two . I would suggest that it may be possible that youre meds may be causing some of the problems at least on a biological level ...im not saying you should stop taking youre meds no ...but you should revaluate with youre doctor what you are taking and why ...Also you might want to look into alternative medicine as a way to adresse the physical side of this ...

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Hey everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. I have prayed and cried until I'm hopeless and exhausted. I feel doomed to an eternity without God because I feel like I am losing my desire to want him anymore. I can't seem to trust God and I fear that I am just calling him a liar. I don't know how I could be a christian and have such horrible thoughts against God. I don't know how to ask God to save me and leave it alone and believe its done. I have no desire to be a witness to anyone and I certainly have no joy and desire to worship. I have such apathetic feelings right now that I don't know what I can do. I take medsa and counsel with someone but it seems my mind has been taken over. Any ideas on what to do?
James

When i've been in that place I discovered something as I went on my life as if I just "gave up"..... I discovered that that is the very place God wanted me to be. And I found that as I let go and lived my life the way I wanted to, without worrying about the reprocussions (that's how you "let go") I discovered a scriptural truth and that is "whether you turn to the right or to the left, there will be a voice behind you saying, 'this is the way, go in it' " God will be faithful to you even when you "stop trying" and accept in our case that are are "condemned to hell"

WHAT I MEAN BY THAT is that when you get to the place of saying "ok, i'm tired and giving up, even if that means i'm going to hell.. not because I don't care, but because I just can't or do not want to do this anymore in my own strength"... ...IT IS THEN that you will start receiving your breakthrough and freedom from fear.

It's kind of like exposure therapy... as you let go and stop doing all those OCD things that you had been doing in an attempt to keep yourself safe... or in your case, trying to believe... you discover that the outcome isn't as fearful as you had believed.

We must conclude that if God is real and if he is loving as everyone else says he is, then he'll understand and he'll show himself strong in your life... without you relying on your own understanding. It is when we are weak that he shows himself strong, and when we are put in a place to be amazed and to bow down and worship because we find out just how good he truly is.

We don't find God in works, we don't find him when we are being religious and doing everything in our own strength the best we know how.

Our understanding is limited.

Lord, please help this gentleman have peace that transends understanding and enlighten his knowledge of how truly deep and wide your love is. Show him just how strong and mighty you are and how able and willing you are to meet his need today. Bless and lead him on his journey, strengthen him with supernatural strength as is in accordance with your good and pleasing will.

In JESUS name I pray,

Amen!

HB

 

[annrobert]

Hi Kicker,
I am sorry you are hurting so much.Jesus says come to Me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.I hear your pain and so does God.I think maybe it is fear and ocd that is making you fear losing your desire to want God,inside I think you do want God.It is just ocd causing the thoughts and God knows that.Beccalynn told me in a post to just think of God holding me and letting me cry on His shoulder and I think that is a good idea.God says we can come to Him as little children for that is what we are to Him.Just go to Jesus and tell Him all your troubles and fears and everything,Jesus already knows and understands and wants us to come to Him with our burdens and He will help us and give us rest.

I think HB gave some excellent advice and encouragement.

We must conclude that if God is real and if he is loving as everyone else says he is, then he'll understand and he'll show himself strong in your life... without you relying on your own understanding. It is when we are weak that he shows himself strong, and when we are put in a place to be amazed and to bow down and worship because we find out just how good he truly is.

I hope you are encouraged and strengthened James and find rest in God as you continue to seek Him in your life.
Jesus Bless You
annrobert

 

[gracealone]

Hi James,

Hey everyone, I don't know what to do anymore.
That's OK James. You don't need to do anything in regard to OCD thoughts.
I have prayed and cried until I'm hopeless and exhausted.
Yes - the war against those thoughts, the horror they create inside and the effort we expend it trying to get it all right is exhausting and it creates a feeling of hopelessness. But thank God that our hope in Him isn't dependant on our feelings - for if it was we'd all be doomed.
I feel doomed to an eternity without God because I feel like I am losing my desire to want him anymore.
Feeling doomed and feeling the numbness has nothing to do with the work of God on your behalf. It's not your job to save you. Your feelings don't define Him or interpret His intentions toward you.
I can't seem to trust God and I fear that I am just calling him a liar.
Our fear that we aren't trusting Him has nothing to do with His trustworthiness toward us nor does it mean we are saying He is lying. All it's says is that our weak trust is in a perfectly trustworthy God.
I don't know how I could be a christian and have such horrible thoughts against God.
Do you think it's [possible that I'm a Christian? Do you think Luther was a Christian? How about Bunyan, Brother Lawrence, William Cowper? How about the rest of these precious people on this forum? Because I've had those same thoughts, so did the men I mentioned and so has many, many others on this forum. We all have OCD. But OCD doesn't inhibit the saving Grace of God.
I don't know how to ask God to save me and leave it alone and believe its done.
You have to leave it alone. You cannot make it so or not so by feeling that it is or isn't so. The war that you are fighting to rid yourself of the thoughts - the intensely painful work that you are doing to try and muster up faith or find some sort of emotional validation within to make you feel certain is the fuel that is feeding the fire of the disorder. The key to managing the disorder is living with the feelings of uncertainty that it stirs up and understanding that those feelings are invalid as they are caused by the OCD. Therefore they need to be ignored.
I have no desire to be a witness to anyone and I certainly have no joy and desire to worship.
Having the desire to do something or not isn't what matters. There are times when I don't feel a whole lot of love toward my own dear husband. Because I'm human. It's then and only then that I really prove that I do love him by acting loving toward him. Worship - whether you feel joy in it or not. Witness - whether you feel like it or not. Why? "If you love me keep my commandments." Not - "If you love me feel loving feelings toward me."
Remember James that when all desire to walk has left, when we feel our weakest, when we can't see God through the clouds of an OCD storm, we can still obey. And God is pleased even with our stumbles. "He remembers our frame - that we are dust."
I had to get to that very hard place where I just quit demanding certainty and said - "even if God does not choose to save me in the end - I will still praise His name - even in hell I will praise His name. The choice is His not mine and I must let it be His - I must trust Him whether I feel the comfort of my salvation or not. For truly in the end who is worthy of any trust except Him."
I have such apathetic feelings right now that I don't know what I can do.
You can let go and let God.
I take medsa and counsel with someone but it seems my mind has been taken over. Any ideas on what to do?
I think it may be time to ask your Dr. if you could try a different medication, also it may be time to find a Dr. who is an expert at treating OCD with Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. You've got plenty of exposure to the fearful thoughts but haven't yet gained the tools of learning how to prevent the compulsive side of the disorder. It's not unusual to have to try different meds. until you find the right one. It's even less unusual to have to keep looking to find the right Dr. who can really get you on the right track.
Still praying.
Mitzi

 

[gracealone]

GREAT POST!! hisblood!
I can relate to this. It's very similar to how I dealt with my own Religious,(relationship) OCD.
Thank you for sharing such great insight with us.
God Bless,
Mitzi

When i've been in that place I discovered something as I went on my life as if I just "gave up"..... I discovered that that is the very place God wanted me to be. And I found that as I let go and lived my life the way I wanted to, without worrying about the reprocussions (that's how you "let go") I discovered a scriptural truth and that is "whether you turn to the right or to the left, there will be a voice behind you saying, 'this is the way, go in it' " God will be faithful to you even when you "stop trying" and accept in our case that are are "condemned to hell"

WHAT I MEAN BY THAT is that when you get to the place of saying "ok, i'm tired and giving up, even if that means i'm going to hell.. not because I don't care, but because I just can't or do not want to do this anymore in my own strength"... ...IT IS THEN that you will start receiving your breakthrough and freedom from fear.

It's kind of like exposure therapy... as you let go and stop doing all those OCD things that you had been doing in an attempt to keep yourself safe... or in your case, trying to believe... you discover that the outcome isn't as fearful as you had believed.

We must conclude that if God is real and if he is loving as everyone else says he is, then he'll understand and he'll show himself strong in your life... without you relying on your own understanding. It is when we are weak that he shows himself strong, and when we are put in a place to be amazed and to bow down and worship because we find out just how good he truly is.

We don't find God in works, we don't find him when we are being religious and doing everything in our own strength the best we know how.

Our understanding is limited.

Lord, please help this gentleman have peace that transends understanding and enlighten his knowledge of how truly deep and wide your love is. Show him just how strong and mighty you are and how able and willing you are to meet his need today. Bless and lead him on his journey, strengthen him with supernatural strength as is in accordance with your good and pleasing will.

In JESUS name I pray,

Amen!

HB

 

[pjspara]

james....... i totally agree with what the others have said.........i, too understand alll of your feelings....... and we are all on a journey that can be like a roller coaster ride...

all i know for certain is that when we are at our weakest, it is GOD holdng onto us, not the other way around.....

about your lack of desire for Him... thats understandable!!! you have been on a hampster wheel going nowhere but round and round and you feel that its your problem with HIM that keeps you on it... of course its only natural to want to get off, and rest a lil while.... and there in lies the problem, because its NOT your problem with God or HIS problem with you... its all in your mind..... NOT your spirit.. and i know how tough that is to grasp!!!

i had to start over from scratch, to figure out what i really believed, and even when i didnt desire GOd, i kept searching , and praying anyway,,,and gradually , its getting better.... BUT, i ALSO in the course of all of it, had to tell GOd....

."LOrd, im a mess and i cant change my past , and i cant seem to understand who you are, and quite frankly im scared to death.... or should i say of death.... i dont know if im searching for you out of fear or what but here i am....

and it dawned on me that a. if i didnt believe i wouldnt be praying to HIM

b... if i was rejecting HIM i wouldnt be praying, begging, etc...

c.... HE already did everything for me, and I just say YES, and WHETHER I FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT I MUST ACCEPT THAT IT IS DONE...




ASKING Him OVER AND OVER to save us isnt necessary...HE hears the first time... HE sent HIS SON only once and ONCE and for all, and its done for me and for YOU.... you are searching, crying freeking out etc.. which is PROOF POSITIVE that you believe and want to be saved.. HE didnt say dont come to ME if your scared, HE just said come... and you are..... you just keep on keeping on, whether your tired or weary, or mad or whatever...

OF COURSE you are apathetic... you are completely depleted and worn out!!!!i KNOW IVE BEEN THERE!!!!!!

like i have said before, no matter how far your kid got from you... no matter what they did even if they told you they hated you, you would stillllll take them back... and you are a puny human...sooo IM pretty sure GOD is WAYYYYY above that with HIS patience and forgiveness......
try to imagine as you pray, JESUS is right beside you, crying with you and waiting for you to let go.... just a lil and let HIM start showing you little bits of light .... a little at a time......

if we on this forum lift you up, believe in you, want to help you no matter what you have thought or done, then you have to know GOD isnt turning away from you.

the very fact that you are searching for answers shows your heart isnt hardened... it is just WORN OUT.....

you really are ok........ i know thats not much comfort,

get the books or audios by wayne jacobsen called HE LOVES ME AND C.S.LEWIS MERE CHRISTIANITY is another good one. or MORE THAN A CARPENTER by josh mcadowell... the JESUS i never knew by phillip yancey.... they were good for me and i listened to them in the car and the y really helped me see JESUS in different way and truly desire HIM ...

we are all here for you

pj

 

[annrobert]

HB , Mitzi and Pjspara ,
Those are all very excellent and inspiring posts.
God Bless
annrobert

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Kicker...really hope God's wisdom through the words above helps you...and hope you find some peace soon...I'm sorry you're suffering so much...take care...will pray...Rachel