Lala, I was diagnosed with major depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder fifteen years ago. My case was extreme, I was very ill. It was brought on by a single traumatic event.
I don't believe that you are as ill as I was. But perhaps some of the things that helped me may help you too.
The drug my psychiatrist put me on (Prozac) was a God-send. I didn't realize how black the world had become for me until I had been on it for a week, and then noticed that the inner clouds and darkness were beginning to disperse. Many anti-depressants such as this drug work by keeping your own natural endorphins from being washed away. I truly believe that without the drug I would not have made it. I did eventualy get off the anti-depressant, but by that time I was already starting to heal emotionally, and I could handle it easily.
Another factor to consider is allergies. For years I could not understand why my energy could be suddenly depleted. I found out I was allergic to about 30 different allergens, including dairy products. If I had any dairy product, my sinuses would swell and my energy level would plummet. Just getting off of milk and cheese gave me a huge boost--energy I had not had since my teen years.
Other things that helped were getting out of the house for exercise--walking, anything. When I was at my worst, my husband bought me a horse which I rode every day. We both noticed how much it helped to elevate my mood. It was my "endorphin fix," and lasted for hours. (I am still convinced today that I rode to health on the back of a horse!)
I also went through many hours of therapy. Although what pushed me into PTSD was a single traumatic event, I realized that there were also layers of emotional damage I needed to come to terms with, mostly events from childhood. I remember saying to my psychiatrist that I felt frightened to pull these monsters out of the closet--childhood memories of abuse. But once I did pull them out into the light and process them with my adult mind, I finally was able to start healing--and also start forgiving.
There is more. One of the problems of depression is getting frozen. It's like a ship in the waters of Antartica. If the ship stops moving, it will get iced in and needs help to break out of the ice. If, on the other hand, the ship keeps moving the chances of it getting frozen in ice are greatly decreased. I wanted to keep moving. My system was to put up a piece of paper on the refigerator every day with about nine spaces on it. Every time I did something, I would write it down. If I could fill those nine spaces by the end of the day, I told myself that that was a victorious day. At first I filled in the spaces with the smallest things--I took a shower, dressed in something fairly decent, combed my hair, put on make-up, etc. After a few weeks I decided that qualifying items for the list could be a bit harder--I did a load of wash, took a walk, read my bible, etc. Taking a walk and reading my bible got two spaces!
Learning to control my thoughts helped tremendously. I learned to try to say--and think--positive things, and to "pull down every thought" that made me feel horrible:
Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV)
2 Corinthians 10:5 "casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." (NKJV)
It helped a lot to practice Phil. 4:8 daily. Something that really helped was to go through the day looking for good things--my son's hug, a stand of iris in the garden, the sun on my face. I called these moments "flowers for my bouquet." At the end of the day I would get out "my bouquet" and think about each of these lovely experiences and thank God for them. It helped me to get to sleep on a positive note.
Another thought. I talked to psychologists and psychiatrists for months. But talking to myself actually helped more. I got myself a good sturdy notebook I could use as a journal and wrote in it every day. I let all the hurt, anger, and poisonous thoughts pour out--for about 45 minutes. Then I would put the notebook away. If I thought about more additions to the notebook later that day I would say to myself, "I'll put that in the notebook tomorrow. But for now, I'm going to think positive things." This helped me to learn to control my thoughts, something that is not easy to do when recovering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Most important: I forgave those who hurt me. I would not have been able to do this right away. "Forgive and forget" doesn't work if you have been severely traumatized. You have to process the hurt, recognize it, even get angry at what happened, then finally grieve and put it away with forgiveness for all involved. Unforgiveness can put a person in continual torment, Matthew 18:21-35; Matthew 6:14-15.
Today I am stable, happy, energetic and strong. I still have to take care of myself--to watch my diet, make sure I exercise nearly every day, and guard my thoughts. In some ways, I am stronger now than I have ever been before in my life, because I am able to recognize and deal with things better. Praise God that with healing also comes wisdom!
I hope this helps. Please let me know how you are doing. I will be praying for you.
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