Depression and the Darkness

[RPicking]

I'm trying to keep this short because I don't want to get into an endless talking back and forth with my OCD making me doubt everything that I'm saying...anyways.

This past weekend I started to feel the weight of my depression and I'm currently on medication and it does help with my OCD symptoms and helps me deal quicker with my rituals. I do the CBT steps when it gets really bad and everything seems to be helping when it comes to the steps and the medication.

In the last couple of months I have noticed I'm getting more and more 'unmotivated' - it becomes a wall of depression that basically stops me in my tracks. I just sit there and stare at the television unmotivated to do anything. People tell me that I should just force myself to take that first step, but it's like pulling teeth to get over that first hurdle of 'doing something' - and what makes me depressed also that I feel like a failure because I have wasted my life on dark things, things that I can't explain why they are there and it's like sometimes I struggle with temptation when it comes to getting on the computer because the addiction is there - so if I get rid of the computer that I'm sunk all over again because everything that I want to do is dealing with the computer. So that is a reason again why I sit and do nothing because of temptation.

I woke up this morning feeling completely SUNK in sadness that I had to go back to a job that I'm not really content with and I would really like to change my job but what do I go for? I'm just not content and so my job becomes a part of the struggle and depression as well - I cried out to God today that I wanted to be happy and I wanted to know happiness.

Anyways, that's enough for now except that I feel lonely also but I've been isolated for so long that really doesn't weigh me down but I really DO feel that maybe it does when I honestly think about it. I think it comes down to having someone to talk to that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg to - I can't afford therapy but I pay to talk to someone.

 

[Tempura]

Good thing that you're trying to use CBT steps and succeeding every once in a while too.

Yep, depression is like that. It's more than not being motivated, it can make the threshold to even try something look like a mountain one has to climb. It isn't, of course, but that's what it feels like. Almost every depressed person feels like a failure too, so that's another thing that's very common.

Hating your job is of course bad, but the routine of a job is a good thing in general. Here's hoping that it'll work out, or at least keep you active enough so that your depression won't get worse.

God heard your prayers. Sometimes we just have to have patience. When I cried out to God when I was at a rock bottom, I was hoping for a quick fix. I didn't know it at the time, but I got carried through the absolute worst - I didn't kill myself. Later I realized it was good for me for my "healing" to take its time. I learned so much. About not being able to afford therapy, I could spare a little if you have a paypal account. Certainly not much, but if it would help I'd be glad to. Just PM me the info if you're interested.

I don't have an OCD myself, of which I'm glad, but I understand different temptations. We're all connected to the internet, and especially if we're alone much, there's all kinds of stuff that draws us to whatever activities we might be ashamed about. Often I give in. Thank God Christ already did everything for us, so we can put our hopes in Him, be thankful for His grace and try to love and forgive one another keeping Him as an example.

Said a little prayer for you.

 

[orangeness365]

That sucks that you feel that way. I feel like a failure too. I struggle to get anything done as well. I do the bare minimum. I think the medication helps. I used to have a type of depression in high school where i could just cry it out and then i could get something done. Nowadays i just feel numb or pain, and can't really push past it unless I think about how I could possibly wind up homeless if I don't pull it together. I have a family that can support me, but I don't want to be dependent on them, for their sake and in case something unforeseeable happens. I have to listen to christian music all of the time nowadays to get anything done. It calms my nerves and gives me a little bit of happiness. It helps to find something to do that you enjoy, or maybe feel something when you do it, even if just barely at all. It's unfortunate that you don't have enough money to talk to a psychologist, I think that helped me. i spent a lot of time on this website when I first dropped out of university. I think it helped to do something that distracted me from my emotional pain. I used to go back and forth between being numb to feeling emotional pain. Even if you spent your life on dark things, if you're sorry and repent to Jesus, He forgives you, and allows you to start fresh. Only Jesus was perfect. Keep crying out to God for help, that is probably the best thing you can do. He can help you like no one else can.

 

[RPicking]

Good thing that you're trying to use CBT steps and succeeding every once in a while too.

Yep, depression is like that. It's more than not being motivated, it can make the threshold to even try something look like a mountain one has to climb. It isn't, of course, but that's what it feels like. Almost every depressed person feels like a failure too, so that's another thing that's very common.

Hating your job is of course bad, but the routine of a job is a good thing in general. Here's hoping that it'll work out, or at least keep you active enough so that your depression won't get worse.

God heard your prayers. Sometimes we just have to have patience. When I cried out to God when I was at a rock bottom, I was hoping for a quick fix. I didn't know it at the time, but I got carried through the absolute worst - I didn't kill myself. Later I realized it was good for me for my "healing" to take its time. I learned so much. About not being able to afford therapy, I could spare a little if you have a paypal account. Certainly not much, but if it would help I'd be glad to. Just PM me the info if you're interested.

I don't have an OCD myself, of which I'm glad, but I understand different temptations. We're all connected to the internet, and especially if we're alone much, there's all kinds of stuff that draws us to whatever activities we might be ashamed about. Often I give in. Thank God Christ already did everything for us, so we can put our hopes in Him, be thankful for His grace and try to love and forgive one another keeping Him as an example.

Said a little prayer for you.

YES, the steps are helping me along the way. They don't kick in right away all the times, but it does make me stop in my tracks sooner.

I'm glad to see what I'm going through is normal as far as depression is concerned. It doesn't mean that I feel normal of course when I'm going through it.

Thanks. Deep down I know that God hears a person that is struggling and open before God. If you think about it, if we are enemies to God until we become a Christian then how does he hear the sinners prayers. I think if we come honest and open and broken before God then we have his attention. I think that some can be too legalistic and wave the stick of judgement at people and say that God IS NOT going to hear you as long as you're struggling where you are.

Thanks for the prayer. Appreciated.

 

[RPicking]

- That sucks that you feel that way. I feel like a failure too. I struggle to get anything done as well. I do the bare minimum. I think the medication helps. I used to have a type of depression in high school where i could just cry it out and then i could get something done. Nowadays i just feel numb or pain, and can't really push past it unless I think about how I could possibly wind up homeless if I don't pull it together. I have a family that can support me, but I don't want to be dependent on them, for their sake and in case something unforeseeable happens. I have to listen to christian music all of the time nowadays to get anything done. It calms my nerves and gives me a little bit of happiness. It helps to find something to do that you enjoy, or maybe feel something when you do it, even if just barely at all. It's unfortunate that you don't have enough money to talk to a psychologist, I think that helped me. i spent a lot of time on this website when I first dropped out of university. I think it helped to do something that distracted me from my emotional pain. I used to go back and forth between being numb to feeling emotional pain. Even if you spent your life on dark things, if you're sorry and repent to Jesus, He forgives you, and allows you to start fresh. Only Jesus was perfect. Keep crying out to God for help, that is probably the best thing you can do. He can help you like no one else can.]

Thanks for the comments. Appreciated. It's good to see that you're not alone when you're struggling. I know that's not comforting to you, or anyone else - but it does give you a little hope and and peace that you're not the only one. I mean, I think I knew that but sometimes it just gets to a point where you feel like you're the only one suffering.

As far as doing stuff that I enjoy - I agree - and it's something that I have to do and sometimes force myself to do it. I don't like to say that I have to force myself to do something but sometimes that's what I have to do.

 

[Tempura]

I think that some can be too legalistic and wave the stick of judgement at people and say that God IS NOT going to hear you as long as you're struggling where you are.

That is something one is certain to come across when dealing with matters of faith. Jesus himself came across those people, and he exposed their hypocrisy every time. Putting burdens on others, blind leading the blind. We all need Christ. I would not need Christ if I thought that focusing on legalism would bring me closer to God. Christ didn't come to force more rules and chains on us, or to build walls between God and man. In Him, those walls are shattered. It angers me that some people will outright say that "God will not hear you". Who are they to put limits and restraints to God's grace? And yet, God's grace is for them too, and nobody can deny it from them. It goes to show that we all need Christ, and we all should forgive one another. I should too, because I can be really angry towards others.

It's probably something that happened with the Galatians, and will happen all over again among all kinds of people. We can't understand the nature of God's grace, because His love is perfect and thus hard to understand. We treat love as a currency, so we go back to rules, chains and all sorts of things and try to buy that love, from God no less, not understanding that He already gave it to us. But once we come to terms with it, once we can grasp even a little of that grace, we are comforted to the very core of our being, and we want others to know that comfort too.

 

[orangeness365]

Thanks for the comments. Appreciated. It's good to see that you're not alone when you're struggling. I know that's not comforting to you, or anyone else - but it does give you a little hope and and peace that you're not the only one. I mean, I think I knew that but sometimes it just gets to a point where you feel like you're the only one suffering.

As far as doing stuff that I enjoy - I agree - and it's something that I have to do and sometimes force myself to do it. I don't like to say that I have to force myself to do something but sometimes that's what I have to do.

I'm glad you appreciated my comments. If you come on this site at the depression section you will definitely see that you are not alone. Yeah you should force yourself to do something fun once in a while. It's really hard to do anything when you're that depressed and alone. I don't know if I could do it if I was all alone like you are.

 

[RPicking]

The verse I keep close to me is Ephesians 3:20 - Now unto HIM that is able to do far more than I imagine or think - that's my edition - but it shows me that God is ready and wanting to do so much for us. Now comes the doubting question - How comes it seems that his answer is always no?!?! It seems that I keep going back to Paul asking for his affliction and God tells him that his Grace is sufficient. I know that his Grace is enough and maybe it's that I'm further from God than I thought.

 

[Tempura]

The verse I keep close to me is Ephesians 3:20 - Now unto HIM that is able to do far more than I imagine or think - that's my edition - but it shows me that God is ready and wanting to do so much for us. Now comes the doubting question - How comes it seems that his answer is always no?!?! It seems that I keep going back to Paul asking for his affliction and God tells him that his Grace is sufficient. I know that his Grace is enough and maybe it's that I'm further from God than I thought.

"Now unto HIM that is able to do far more than I imagine or think", I love that.

If the answer to some of your prayers is "no", that doesn't mean you are far away from God. Many people who have the strongest faith, don't have it that good. Many hardships and struggles. In fact, don't we admire those who have little or nothing the most? Martyrs had only their hope in Christ too. We should find comfort in that.

Another thing: it's easy to confuse "no" and "wait". Patience is a hard thing, but we will learn. Day by day, year by year.

 

[orangeness365]

If you call upon him he will draw close to you. Psalm 145:18. Nothing can separate us from God's love Romans 8:34-39.
I don't know why his answer is always no. If you want to be closer to God then pray for that.

 

[RPicking]

Today...

I feel like I'm stuck in a tunnel - Looking behind me I see the chaos and frustration of my past and in front of me I see the uncertainty of what the future holds (when it comes to my situations and concerns). The one thing that reminds me of my situation and the way I feel is on a foggy day. When you see that haze and how it blocks out the surrounding view and the only thing you see is that stuff close around me.

Plus you can't see the sun. You can't see the source of what moves you along the day. It's always nice to see the sun when you're up and moving around.

Right now, my search is about finding happiness. I'm tired of letting depression and OCD win in my life. Even with having limited therapy and medication it seems as though it's not enough. I get irritable about everything and anything and when I'm home for the night, I don't find myself wanting to go out and do anything else.

It's really hard to look at the clutter in my life and wondering how it's going to get better. Do I just throw up my hands and just give up or do I believe that things will get better. Plus struggling alone IS NOT the best formula for depression.

 

[orangeness365]

I agree your loneliness is not good for your depression. I don't know whether your life is going to get better or not, but if you put your hope in the Lord, then enjoyment will come, that's what the bible says.

1 Timothy 6:17
English Standard Version
As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy.

I also have a lot of depression, so I wouldn't really know though. I used to think that the future was such a sure thing, but after some setbacks in life, my eyes opened wide to the fact that anything could happen, good or bad, in an instant. My brother has been trying to explain to me that for the anxiety to go away, or at least be dampened, that I need to put trust in God, instead of myself or anything else. He says he used to be really suffer from severe anxiety, but that trusting in God has lessened it so much. You always have God, who loves everyone, including you! It must be hard not having people in your life though

 

[Zandy12]

Today...

I feel like I'm stuck in a tunnel - Looking behind me I see the chaos and frustration of my past and in front of me I see the uncertainty of what the future holds (when it comes to my situations and concerns). The one thing that reminds me of my situation and the way I feel is on a foggy day. When you see that haze and how it blocks out the surrounding view and the only thing you see is that stuff close around me.

Plus you can't see the sun. You can't see the source of what moves you along the day. It's always nice to see the sun when you're up and moving around.

Right now, my search is about finding happiness. I'm tired of letting depression and OCD win in my life. Even with having limited therapy and medication it seems as though it's not enough. I get irritable about everything and anything and when I'm home for the night, I don't find myself wanting to go out and do anything else.

It's really hard to look at the clutter in my life and wondering how it's going to get better. Do I just throw up my hands and just give up or do I believe that things will get better. Plus struggling alone IS NOT the best formula for depression.

Hey RPicking, I am sorry you are dealing with this difficult pain. I wish it doesn't have to be this hard. Just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Although it sucks extremely tremendously to have emotional pain, just knowing that there are people with you and especially God there for you helps alot. I do CBT as well and let me tell you it works wonders. There's this book I am reading right now i think you should look into it it's called Feeling Good by David D Burns. It is indeed one of the best books I've read so far on the topic and the book's exercises have clinically proven to be as effective as anti-depressants. So you should definitely check that out. I am in a similar place your in too, I feel uncertain about my future and regretful of my past. Although they are out of my control, nothing strikes me closer to reality more than the deep depression anxiety and isolation I am dealing with in the present. If you ever need to talk PM me, I need a friend like you!

 

[RPicking]

This weekend I was back in my hellish nightmare with my OCD and Depression. I know that everyone is dealing with their own forms of depression and OCD and I don't know why I think that people would want to take time and listen to my problems but I have to honestly say that I'm feeling quite heavy right now and I really don't know where to turn. I broke down this weekend and I haven't done that in a long time.

I just want to be normal - whatever that is I just want to be normal. I've been dealing with my stupid chaos for so long now and I really don't know what it would be like to not have it. I know I've been praying that God would take away my OCD or even take away what I call the verbal chaos. I know that God is big enough to do that and really am begging him to do it because I feel like the only direction I have to go is become more insane.

Please PRAY that I find the peace I need in this darkness.

 

[Tempura]

Of course I prayed for you. Hoping for comfort and strength to come your way.

Meanwhile, just endure and take whatever help you can get. I believe that many times when we feel so powerless that we can't do anything else but just try to endure and stay alive or somewhat sane, we can be carried without even knowing it. I don't know if this helps you, but I had to break down many times to finally accept some forms of help I was resisting for a long time. If you have something in mind, but can't afford it, you can PM me and I could give a little monetary help.

Have you thought about setting up a thread on these forums about OCD, since it seems it's troubling you so much? I don't know how many people here suffer from it, but there must be a few. You could all strengthen each other and share things that others probably couldn't understand. Not that people couldn't do it here on this thread too, of course they can.

Yes, everyone deals with their own issues, but of course when we have strength we listen. At least we should, because we should be there for each other. I couldn't do it for the longest time, but now that I've regained my strength, I find I can at least try to offer some comfort, ear to lend or advice. Naturally I understand that I can't do much by typing, but I can at least try. Your problems and struggles aren't any less meaningful just because they aren't mine. I never had OCD, but I do have experiences on not being able to control my feelings, thoughts or sanity and it was so hard to get through it. I just wanted to be free, and like you said - normal.

Just know that your illness isn't the same thing as you. It doesn't define you. Of course you want to be free of it. Just hang on in there.

I believe that God's word is able to speak to each of us in our time of need. Isn't this true to all of us, when Christ said: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong by being afraid, or feeling the pain you do. Of course you feel it, because you have a very difficult illness. But lay it all on Christ's feet, and know that eventually you will have peace in Him. He has already won everything, including all of our troubles. I'm sure you already do this, and I know these promises seem so far away when we have our struggles and times of despair, but that's why we hope. We hope for what we don't have, but we also long for the things that are promised to us. Christ is the beginning and end, and one day our troubles will all be gone.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. God bless.

 

[Extraneous]

This weekend I was back in my hellish nightmare with my OCD and Depression. I know that everyone is dealing with their own forms of depression and OCD and I don't know why I think that people would want to take time and listen to my problems but I have to honestly say that I'm feeling quite heavy right now and I really don't know where to turn. I broke down this weekend and I haven't done that in a long time.

I just want to be normal - whatever that is I just want to be normal. I've been dealing with my stupid chaos for so long now and I really don't know what it would be like to not have it. I know I've been praying that God would take away my OCD or even take away what I call the verbal chaos. I know that God is big enough to do that and really am begging him to do it because I feel like the only direction I have to go is become more insane.

Please PRAY that I find the peace I need in this darkness.

Im sorry i was not here to reply to your message brother. I truly wished i would have been.

For me "normal" is learning to co exist with my problems. Im not saying this is the answer for you, but for me its all i can do. I have been suffering with mental issues for many years now, and i've never been to a doctor. I keep trying to get myself to go, but i haven't yet. I have endured some serious battles in my mind and its been hard. However i have found a measure of peace, i focus on love and i try to avoid outside distractions such as the news and politics. Those things are full of strife and worry.

I try to live by Gods grace in all things. When i stumble i let Gods grace sustain me. No matter how bad i stumble i must go on. Sometimes that's hard, other times its easy. When i lose control, i let Gods grace sustain me. When i feel hurt, i cry to God and its like a refuge for me.

Sometimes i just need to wait on God. Im not perfect at that but i try. I find that hobbies are good medicine for me. I love to work with metal and wood. I love watching Youtube videos about those things as well, and i learn a lot from people on Youtube. I have pets as well and they give me a lot of Joy.

I dont know if anything i have said will be useful to you brother, but i know that we can survive together, and God will be with us. I use to be so weak in faith but over time i did begin to grow, and now im able to endure life and to find happiness as well. I have ups and downs but i know the Lord is with us and im very hopeful.

Hang in there brother.

 

[Jeshu]

This weekend I was back in my hellish nightmare with my OCD and Depression. I know that everyone is dealing with their own forms of depression and OCD and I don't know why I think that people would want to take time and listen to my problems but I have to honestly say that I'm feeling quite heavy right now and I really don't know where to turn. I broke down this weekend and I haven't done that in a long time.

I just want to be normal - whatever that is I just want to be normal. I've been dealing with my stupid chaos for so long now and I really don't know what it would be like to not have it. I know I've been praying that God would take away my OCD or even take away what I call the verbal chaos. I know that God is big enough to do that and really am begging him to do it because I feel like the only direction I have to go is become more insane.

Please PRAY that I find the peace I need in this darkness.

I don't know if I got a touch of OCD as well for I hear what you are saying, I mist your post for some reason, I don't know why, I've been focussing elsewhere, I'm sorry I didn't hear your call for help earlier.

To let go of the lies is most important, for example for as long as you want to be normal you are asking for trouble, for normal doesn't exist, it is but a fabrication of a majority. The truth is we are all unique and wonderfully made - it is best to walk in God's truth it is much safer over there. Dare be true to yourself in both good and in bad and know that suffering makes perfect. Jesus got the same treatment. It is important to walk in the light of the truth of His Word for otherwise we get drawn into the lies of hopelessness, despair, fear, low self-esteem and all kind of other nasties to plaque us with their misery.

The truth is that the truth is always with you wherever you are the truth is present to help and guide you on your way. Read the word of God and get to know it, it is a very good weapon against the lies that our sinful nature, our mental illness and our society around us throw at us - religion is guilty as well. Such can make the going very hard. As you can see

Please learn to walk under the banner of God's grace no matter how bad your thoughts have been. Let God's grace set things straight and protect you from harm. Fight the dragon accuser with all you got - don't ever think God is like that, a guilty conscience cannot save us from our sins, but enslaves us to must do and mustn't do and a little rule here and a little rule there, easily identified when you are aware of it.

When we walk under grace we rely on Jesus to wash us clean, we don't try to be good in our own strength but go to work with the gifts God has given us, whatever that might be.

Love God and neighbour and let God's truth set you free.