Depression and Divorce

[Archer]

My wife (and I) have battled depression for many years. We have been married >20 yrs. And, I am ready to walk away, because I am weary of dealing with it. I would like to hear about how depression hurt your marriage and how you overcame it, assuming you did. For me, as the non-depressed, it brings me loneliness and lost dreams.

If you were the depressed person, did it take a divorce to bring you to the point where you pushed yourself to make a breakthrough? Were you reconciled?

What does it take to conquer depression in a marriage? (btw, years of medicine have not helped us.)

 

[madison1101]

Get your wife the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Also, get a cognitive behavioral therapist who can really work with your wife on this. Also, marital therapy.

In sickness and in health was part of your vows, wasn't it?

 

[Archer]

Get your wife the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Also, get a cognitive behavioral therapist who can really work with your wife on this. Also, marital therapy.

In sickness and in health was part of your vows, wasn't it?

Yes, but she has walked away from "love, honor, and obey".

 

[madison1101]

Yes, but she has walked away from "love, honor, and obey".

If your wife is clinically depressed it is not that she walked away from "love, honor and obey." It is that she is incapable of loving anyone till she learns to love herself. Depressed people do not love themselves, but rather have deep anger that they are directing at themselves.

Marriage vows are not conditional. If you are emotionally healthy, you are to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. He went to the cross regardless of whether we loved Him.

Get your wife the help she needs. Be there for her. Don't compound her emotional health with leaving her too. That would be cruel and inhumane.

 

[Autumnleaf]

My wife (and I) have battled depression for many years. We have been married >20 yrs. And, I am ready to walk away, because I am weary of dealing with it. I would like to hear about how depression hurt your marriage and how you overcame it, assuming you did. For me, as the non-depressed, it brings me loneliness and lost dreams.

If you were the depressed person, did it take a divorce to bring you to the point where you pushed yourself to make a breakthrough? Were you reconciled?

What does it take to conquer depression in a marriage? (btw, years of medicine have not helped us.)

If you are weary of battle put down your sword and surrender to what you can not change. Fighting a battle you can't win is a dumb waste of time.

If you are lonely get a dog, until you make sutiable friends.

If you have lost dreams, dust them off and pursue them. You will get older, whether or not you pursue your dreams.

There are medicines to make people feel all kinds of crazy, happy, or sane. If your wife or you are chemically imbalanced a change or two of Rx might just do the trick if exercise, diet, and counseling are a no go.

You are the captain of your ship. Look up Invictus, and live life on your terms Archer.

 

[Archer]

If your wife is clinically depressed it is not that she walked away from "love, honor and obey." It is that she is incapable of loving anyone till she learns to love herself. Depressed people do not love themselves, but rather have deep anger that they are directing at themselves.

Marriage vows are not conditional. If you are emotionally healthy, you are to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. He went to the cross regardless of whether we loved Him.

Get your wife the help she needs. Be there for her. Don't compound her emotional health with leaving her too. That would be cruel and inhumane.

You say Marriage vows are not conditional. Yet at the same time, you allow that they are conditional if the person is depressed.

I am not emotionally healty. 20+ years of living with a depressed person has taken its toll on me too. Why is it that everyone has compassion for the depressed person, but not the person who has to live with it?

You are basically telling me to "deal with it". I would ask you to be quiet. Please! I started this post hoping to hear how others have overcome, not to hear platitudes.

We have done counseling, and she is on meds. She does not suffer from a deep depression. She doesn't "hide" from the world. But she also leads what I would call a "defeated" life, and she has accepted it. I feel that I have enabled her. In the way I have loved her and laid down my life for her, I have allowed her to avoid the things that make us stronger. She doesn't really want to change anything about her life. And, in a way, I feel like I have contributed to that.

It is hard to listen to people throw vows in my face, and say "You are the one with the problem, bud!" In retrospect, I suppose I wasn't really ready to make those vows. Doesn't 20+ years say anything about my commitment? I think I deserve some credit for "being there" for her for 20+ years. I don't need guilt from people like you.

I will work as long as I can, and look for solutions. (Perhaps from people who have more constructive things to say.) I am just trying my best.

I'm tired.

 

[Archer]

If you are weary of battle put down your sword and surrender to what you can not change. Fighting a battle you can't win is a dumb waste of time.

If you are lonely get a dog, until you make sutiable friends.

If you have lost dreams, dust them off and pursue them. You will get older, whether or not you pursue your dreams.

I have a dog. She is the one thing I can count on to always make me smile no matter how bad I feel!

"Dusting off dreams" is easier said than done. Especially since many of my dreams would involve my wife...
I would love to have my wife sing or play with me and my guitar... (even in private)
I would love to take my wife whitewater rafting...
I would love to be a host-family for a foreign exchange student...
I would love to take my wife on a missions trip...
I would love to take a pottery class together...

Most of my dreams are not about me. They are about sharing special experiences with someone you love.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have a dog. She is the one thing I can count on to always make me smile no matter how bad I feel!

"Dusting off dreams" is easier said than done. Especially since many of my dreams would involve my wife...
I would love to have my wife sing or play with me and my guitar... (even in private)
I would love to take my wife whitewater rafting...
I would love to be a host-family for a foreign exchange student...
I would love to take my wife on a missions trip...
I would love to take a pottery class together...

Most of my dreams are not about me. They are about sharing special experiences with someone you love.

It sounds like you have reasonable dreams, provided your wife is game. If she is not, do what you can on your own or with a friend. You don't have to sit home in the dark with your wife just because she wants to herself. Go out and live!

Start by signing yourself up for that pottery class and maybe volunteering your guitar services at church. You can't control your wife, just like she can't control you. So do what you want and love her as she is. Maybe if she keeps saying no and sees how much fun you have without her she'll be enticed to tag along in your dreams.

 

[madison1101]

I am not throwing platitudes at you at all. I am a psychotherapist who deals with mentally ill people, and understands the havoc that mental illness can play on a family. I also witnessed my parents' marriage destroyed by my mother's mental illness and my father's alcoholism.

I do understand how frustrating life can be for you as you seek to live a whole, full life and have your desires and dreams thwarted by someone who is not as able to participate for whatever reason.

My suggestion for you is to seek support for yourself in outlets that are healthy for you, and will not destroy your marriage.

1. Go to NAMI's website, and see if there is a support group in your area.

2. Get involved in a men's Bible study at your church, or a church nearby.

3. Serve in your church's children's ministry and pour yourself into that.

4. Take a class, or workshop on something you enjoy doing that makes you feel good about yourself.

5. Attend Codependents Anonymous and learn to detach and not enable your wife any longer. Or, read Codependents No More.

Doing these things will allow you to have a life. Quite possibly, as you gain emotional independence in a safe healthy way, your wife may be drawn to participating in life again.