depressed

[orangeness365]

Hi. I feel so depressed. I take a lot of antidepressants and they keep me from crying as much, but I just feel like my life is over. One minute I'm at a university and have a future and the next I failed out and got schizophrenia. I've been going to a community college for almost a year now, and I've been stable for about a year. I just feel like my life is over. I can't even pass my driver's license test. I'm worried about my dad financially. I'm worried about my mom and if her schizophrenia will cause her to get abusive and violent. I'm worried about my sister and brother getting a job. I feel like giving up on life. I'm hoping that I can get a job as a dental hygienist at the local community college and get a job, but I'm wondering with my condition if I'm going to be able to do anything with my life other than eat and sleep like my cat Snowball. The less I fantasize about suicide and the less I decide to follow through with it, the more depressed I get. I dunno, it's like the thought of suicide makes me happy. I should be happy that My family loves me and I'm on SSI, but I just feel so depressed over what I feel like I've lost. My family keeps telling me just to get a job and get married and that I can do anything, but I don't believe them. i know this illness is going to screw me over. i thought I was going to be a pharmacist and get married, but now if I'm lucky I'll be working part time and I'll probably never get married. I wasn't really looking forward to having kids anyways cuz it's so much work to be a mom, but I'm pretty sad about the grim statistics for schizophrenia. I've decided to just stay celibate so that it's easier for my family to take care of me if I screw up, instead of me and a whole another family. I'm depressed about getting fat from the medicine. I'm too embarrassed about having failed out of college that I don't even exercise along the street. I have a treadmill but i'm too depressed to use it. The only things I look forward to are talking to my family and a friend I met online that just tells me to give up on college and driving and just stay on SSI. and my cats. My cats and dog make me smile. There's a part of me that really wants to give up and just depend on the government and my family for everything, but then the thought of that makes me really depressed also. I try to feel better by sleeping most of my life away, but even in my dreams I get bullied and made fun of for failing and getting schizophrenia.

 

[RuthD]

Hi. I see you have your plate full. The only way you'll know if you are ready for work is to try it. I have felt so much like you have in your paragraph. I went to college, got real sick mentally and had to get on govt. assistance. It is there for those of us who are not able to work as you know. You might not be able to work or maybe you are able, only you will know when you try it. I know I am not able and have had all the failure thoughts too for a long time. I now just accept that all I can do in life are the things I can and what I can't do I don't do. Do I make any sense to you?

 

[orangeness365]

You're saying the only way to know if I can work or not is to try it. You're saying that you had a similar situation, and that you once felt like a failure until you learned to accept that you needed government assistance.

 

[Jeshu]

I've been ill for years and had to accept a disability pension, which was hard to take at first but later I realised that God took good care of me, even using the government to assist me.

Our battle is to be as good as we can be. For years I have fought my ever reoccurring depression, suicide ideations, evil voices, and so much distorted thinking. For years I was to deeply depressed to come out of my chair.:o
Now I'm finally well medicated and and have grown a lot stronger. I try to serve God in my life through letting Him work on my spirituality. I even do a little volunteers work.

With God we can still have much purpose - even if we are to sick to work. Our fight with depression and its lies is clearly spiritual in nature. Overcome strongholds such as darkest desolation, hopelessness, despair, suicide, shame, guilt, fear, rage and such like misery, brings a lot of spiritual presents. Faith in God's love grows us spiritually strong. attributes such as love, long suffering, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, non-judgemental and the like can all grow in our hearts - even when we are very sick.

Understand that you belong to Christ, He has called you heavenwards, away from this world and into His care. Get your self-esteem out of your relationship with Christ, let Him determine how you feel.

Be of good courage you are a child of His.

 

[orangeness365]

thanks Jeshu that made me cry and I don't know why

 

[RuthD]

if okay. I'm thinking of you.

 

[orangeness365]

yeah it's okay

 

[Criada]

I agree with Ruth, you won't know what you can do until you try. If you can work, that's great, if you can't it just means that God has a different plan for you. Maybe he wants you as a prayer warrior
Trust him, and he will guide you into what's right for you - and when you are doing his will there is no need to be embarrassed or ashamed of what you can't do, because those are things he hasn't called you too.
Remember, whatever your situation, God's plans are the best for you, plans to give you a hope and a future ( to paraphrase Jeremiah!)

Praying for you