Depressed...

[mum24]

Hi... I'm posting because I just don't know what else to do. So suicide is not an option... Okay. I have too much I need to live for etc. I was kind of living in denial again this week. I was unmotivated, spending way too much time in bed, surfing the net for suicide vids and writing sad letters. But I was convinced that I was making it up, that I wasn't really depressed but that I was choosing to do these things and could snap out of it whenever I wanted to, that I was just being a horrible person really. Has anyone ever experienced this? So I had an appt at the hospital with my therapist yesterday who gave me lots of sympathy, which I also thought was self generated, and then after I thought it was time to snap out of it. I was SHOCKED that I couldn't! Why am I surprised? I've struggled with this for years now. Or did I bring on this little episode with my behavior? And I have a busy day ahead... why can't I get out of bed and get going? I feel like poo. Okay so if suicide is not an option (even though I think about it a lot) and if going to therapy and taking meds has only taken the edge off most of the time but hasn't helped, am I doomed to live in this forever?? Is there no end to this? Will I never be anything but a failure? Because depression and anxiety mean that I can't work, can't do so many things, and I keep failing at what I need to do, including my spiritual life, and hypomanic irritation keeps me locked onto the wrong things in life and gets me into trouble. I'm a failure. I hate this. Why is it so hard just to take a shower when I'm depressed which is like most every day lately? I worry that one day I'm going to do it and kill myself because of impulse or just can't take it any more even though that would be so bad for everyone in my life. Why is there no good help out there?
Sorry

 

[Christownsme]

Hi... I'm posting because I just don't know what else to do. So suicide is not an option... Okay. I have too much I need to live for etc. I was kind of living in denial again this week. I was unmotivated, spending way too much time in bed, surfing the net for suicide vids and writing sad letters. But I was convinced that I was making it up, that I wasn't really depressed but that I was choosing to do these things and could snap out of it whenever I wanted to, that I was just being a horrible person really. Has anyone ever experienced this? So I had an appt at the hospital with my therapist yesterday who gave me lots of sympathy, which I also thought was self generated, and then after I thought it was time to snap out of it. I was SHOCKED that I couldn't! Why am I surprised? I've struggled with this for years now. Or did I bring on this little episode with my behavior? And I have a busy day ahead... why can't I get out of bed and get going? I feel like poo. Okay so if suicide is not an option (even though I think about it a lot) and if going to therapy and taking meds has only taken the edge off most of the time but hasn't helped, am I doomed to live in this forever?? Is there no end to this? Will I never be anything but a failure? Because depression and anxiety mean that I can't work, can't do so many things, and I keep failing at what I need to do, including my spiritual life, and hypomanic irritation keeps me locked onto the wrong things in life and gets me into trouble. I'm a failure. I hate this. Why is it so hard just to take a shower when I'm depressed which is like most every day lately? I worry that one day I'm going to do it and kill myself because of impulse or just can't take it any more even though that would be so bad for everyone in my life. Why is there no good help out there?
Sorry

I can't help but see myself in all this. I haven't gotten to the point of thinking about suicide, but it could come. Hypomanic situations ARE irritating. Probably because you are depressed at the same time. I have mixed mode and am always depressed, even if I get into a manic situation.

Do you ever remember what it was like if you were afforded the chance as a kid not to have this illness? Do you remember serenity, beauty, and confidence and belief? I do, because stress triggered this illness when I was 22. Before 22, I may have been manic, but never depressed, and I had no idea it was in the genes. But what I want to say, is remember what it was like to not understand mental illness? I remember being afraid I'll get it (boy was I right!), but I didn't understand it. Neither do other people who don't have it. That's why there seems to be no good help out there. I think the best help is having a network of friends/family or even this internet site to help us. You are not alone, neither am I. And I believe God sympathizes with us, even though we can't feel it.

 

[mum24]

Thanks.... You are right. I feel alone. It's hard because I just don't meet people like me in real life. And no one gets me or can help. But yes I do remember what it was like to not have this. So I do understand.
I'm just frustrated cuz right now I'm really depressed and I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want out of it so bad. But I have to keep going.
I get mixed episodes too.. Depression just seems to hang on to me and rarely ever leave, except maybe for a few hours every few months. Do you ever have that?
I hate this. I hate that I have to get up tomorrow.

 

[Christownsme]

Thanks.... You are right. I feel alone. It's hard because I just don't meet people like me in real life. And no one gets me or can help. But yes I do remember what it was like to not have this. So I do understand.
I'm just frustrated cuz right now I'm really depressed and I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want out of it so bad. But I have to keep going.
I get mixed episodes too.. Depression just seems to hang on to me and rarely ever leave, except maybe for a few hours every few months. Do you ever have that?
I hate this. I hate that I have to get up tomorrow.

Ya, it's rare I feel not depressed. Maybe for 1/2 a day once a week right now. I'm about to lose my religion over it all. I mean I'll never deny Christ in my heart, but the whole church/religion thing, you know none of them understand. I'm very sick of it, too.

 

[mum24]

The bible says don't give up meeting together, although I totally understand why you are feeling this way. Some people in my church have just given up on me, some don't want to have anything to do with me besides politeness and it's hard... But I figure I'm there for them too. There's a reason we meet together.. to encourage and help and be in the word. Maybe finding the right church is important if you feel this isn't happening. It's so hard. But don't give up because the right church is so much support. There are other people in my church who love me and support me. It only takes one person, and then you don't feel alone any more. Sorry, I've rambled. I'm writing about things that are hopeful.. Good reminders to me that there is hope? Sigh

 

[Perhaps Today]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I pray God will comfort you and give you peace in all things.

 

[madison1101]

There is help and hope out there for us. First, I have a great cognitive behavioral therapist and psychiatrist who have been Godsends over and over in my life. I recently went through a really depressed episode, and I called my psychiatrist and begged him to call me back. We talked for about 10 minutes on the phone, long distance, and he told me to increase one of my meds. He and I work constantly tweaking my meds when necessary.

Second, I have a church family that is sympathetic to people with mental illness. My pastor visited me in the psych ward last year. My Ladies Bible study is encouraging and empathetic toward those who are hurting. They never give up on us. If your church is not there for you, pray and ask God about seeking a church family that will encourage you in your mental health.

Finally, get into a good Bible study, and ask the Lord to show you somoene who is mature in Him, who can mentor you in your walk. Having someone in your life who will hold you accountable to your daily walk, and self-care has helped me on days when I think nobody cares. My mentor asks me if I am safe, reminds me to take my shower when I am depressed, reminds me of God's immense love for me, and prays with me when it is rough.

 

[mum24]

I've searched for a spiritual mentor for years. It just seems like no one is willing to invest the time in someone like me.

I called a crisis line last night and talked to the woman for about an hour. She wanted to send a crisis team out to see me but I said no. My husband would be sooo upset and maybe angry again if he knew I was unwell, let alone calling for help. And then I just feel guilty having called in the first place. Even though I was feeling really bad, still I feel like I shouldn't be bothering people, I should be snapping out of it and living life. What's wrong with me? I'm a horrible person.

Thanks for responding to me. I don't know if I should be even talking about this or if I should be just "bucking up" and stopping all this nonsense. I feel like I'm being so devious, hiding from my husband and sneaking around behind his back. I can't do this. I can't be ill.

 

[lindart]

I hear you and understand you. I, likewise suffer from episodic depression although the episodes can last a long time. I also find myself keeping myself as busy as I can through the pain so that maybe my family won't notice. My husband knows and he is so supportive but not understanding. He is never depressed and so I feel inferior and find myself always trying to look and act normal. I do this also with the hope that if I keep on keeping on that this, too, shall pass. I know the root of my depression is sadness over the breakup of my first marriage and the resultant terrible repurcussions to my children who are now adults. I am reminded almost daily of this with some of my children who suffer from addictions. I have confessed to God and my children my part in this breakup. I am unable to undo the past as their father was abusive and up and left. I have tried antidepressants, counseling, praying and searching for God's peace.I am born again and I have a close relationship with God through Jesus. This I know. If this be the thorn in my side then I will bear it till God calls me home. I believe that God knows our sufferings and desires that we seek Him in all things. I know God does not desire that I live a defeated life because this does not bring Him glory. I believe that my persistant depression is given that I may work through this to victory as God desires. I will not give up, I will stay the course, until the race is finished. In the meantime, I will be receptive to God's leading as to how He would have me live. I have isolated myself and I know that this displeases God and blocks His healing. I will find a church that honors God through Jesus and also believes in God's healing and victory through His Word. My prayer is that God would lead us to a good church for all those who suffer from depression and isolation.

 

[Perhaps Today]

I've searched for a spiritual mentor for years. It just seems like no one is willing to invest the time in someone like me.

I called a crisis line last night and talked to the woman for about an hour. She wanted to send a crisis team out to see me but I said no. My husband would be sooo upset and maybe angry again if he knew I was unwell, let alone calling for help. And then I just feel guilty having called in the first place. Even though I was feeling really bad, still I feel like I shouldn't be bothering people, I should be snapping out of it and living life. What's wrong with me? I'm a horrible person.

Thanks for responding to me. I don't know if I should be even talking about this or if I should be just "bucking up" and stopping all this nonsense. I feel like I'm being so devious, hiding from my husband and sneaking around behind his back. I can't do this. I can't be ill.

Still praying for you.

 

[Live In Stereo]

I am sorry for all on here struggling. I have been there also.My prayers in agreement with Perhaps today.

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

I am praying that the struggles end soon for you.