Depressed Spouse

[Whitceegee]

I've been married to my husband for 5 months, been together for almost 4 years now. Since we got married, I noticed a change him. That light in his eyes started dimming slowly. He became more grumpy, irritable, snappy, and has been losing sleep.
So many things occurred to where he soaks up other people's issues and makes it his to where it bothers him emotionally. He recently went out of town for work, but when his cases got cut short, he decided to stay longer to "cool off". While he's been away I've been an emotional wreck because he refuses to talk to me about his feelings and I'm stressed over work, his health, my health, the fact that there are 5 other people living in our small 2 bedroom apartment.....overwhelming.

I've been asking God was he ready for marriage? Was I? How do I stop him from hurting?

How do I help him? I fear he won't come home anytime soon because he says he needs time to unwind or be at peace. How do I deal and cope? I love him, but I feel I'm not helping him.

Sorry for the long post!

 

[Naboo]

You say that the changes in your spouse started after you got married. Do you think your marriage is what has prompted these feelings or do you think you are just noticing it now that you are married and spending more time together?

It's hard when you try to talk to them about it but they don't want to share anything - I was going to suggest encouraging your husband to open up about his feelings but it sounds like that may be difficult. Is there anyone else you could open up to about this who are close to your husband?

 

[Whitceegee]

Well after we got married it's weird how everything started happening. His brother (the troublemaker of his siblings) was diagnosed with brain cancer and had his first surgery. The hardest part was getting him to the hospital. Then our nephews had to move in with us due to flunking out of college (one of them has a baby on the way). Then his older sister has been firing everyone up picking fights with family members and his oldest brother just up and decided to move here with his wife and child with no plans setup. Now they're living with us as well. Also he's an alumni officer for his fraternity and they call him for everything so he's always on the phone or driving to and from his home state. His body has been hurting lately and has been dealing with migraines so he feels he might have something much worse than it could be.

I think the only person he could and would talk to is his mom, which he did but I'm not sure if it helped. Since our conversation last night he chooses to open up more but I'm just worried about him.

You say that the changes in your spouse started after you got married. Do you think your marriage is what has prompted these feelings or do you think you are just noticing it now that you are married and spending more time together? It's hard when you try to talk to them about it but they don't want to share anything - I was going to suggest encouraging your husband to open up about his feelings but it sounds like that may be difficult. Is there anyone else you could open up to about this who are close to your husband?

 

[dysert]

I've been married to my husband for 5 months, been together for almost 4 years now. Since we got married, I noticed a change him. That light in his eyes started dimming slowly. He became more grumpy, irritable, snappy, and has been losing sleep.
So many things occurred to where he soaks up other people's issues and makes it his to where it bothers him emotionally. He recently went out of town for work, but when his cases got cut short, he decided to stay longer to "cool off". While he's been away I've been an emotional wreck because he refuses to talk to me about his feelings and I'm stressed over work, his health, my health, the fact that there are 5 other people living in our small 2 bedroom apartment.....overwhelming.

I've been asking God was he ready for marriage? Was I? How do I stop him from hurting?

How do I help him? I fear he won't come home anytime soon because he says he needs time to unwind or be at peace. How do I deal and cope? I love him, but I feel I'm not helping him.

Sorry for the long post!

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Life is hard, but you seem to be going through some especially hard trials. I hope you don't mind my chiming in...

First off, it's probably not helpful to question whether you or your husband was ready for marriage. The fact is, you're married now so don't look back and second guess.

As for your husband, if he really is suffering from depression you need to accept the fact that you can't get him out of it. You can love him and encourage him, but clinical depression is a brain illness that you can't fix. You'll drive yourself crazy if you think you should be able to help him or if you think it's your job to make him happy.

I suggest that you try to deal with your home and do your best to eliminate whatever stressors you can. You need to do this for your sake as well as making a safe, peaceful environment for your husband to come home to. Chaos is exactly what a depressed person does not need.

 

[Whitceegee]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Life is hard, but you seem to be going through some especially hard trials. I hope you don't mind my chiming in... First off, it's probably not helpful to question whether you or your husband was ready for marriage. The fact is, you're married now so don't look back and second guess. As for your husband, if he really is suffering from depression you need to accept the fact that you can't get him out of it. You can love him and encourage him, but clinical depression is a brain illness that you can't fix. You'll drive yourself crazy if you think you should be able to help him or if you think it's your job to make him happy. I suggest that you try to deal with your home and do your best to eliminate whatever stressors you can. You need to do this for your sake as well as making a safe, peaceful environment for your husband to come home to. Chaos is exactly what a depressed person does not need.

You're absolutely right! I realized I can't help him like I want to. I feel I have been driving him up the wall trying to help him. He wants me to be happy at home but can tell I'm not. His brother and our sister in law have been working over a month now and we decided to move out soon and give the apartment to them to take over and help on rent instead of leaving everything on me to pay for. As for the nephews we are constant making sure they find jobs so when we move into a new place on our own, they are fine. I guess I was trying to be that supportive and strong wife and I probably pushed him away. But I am happy I married him and I love him deeply. I just worry about how he bottles up everything.

 

[dysert]

You're absolutely right! I realized I can't help him like I want to. I feel I have been driving him up the wall trying to help him. He wants me to be happy at home but can tell I'm not. His brother and our sister in law have been working over a month now and we decided to move out soon and give the apartment to them to take over and help on rent instead of leaving everything on me to pay for. As for the nephews we are constant making sure they find jobs so when we move into a new place on our own, they are fine. I guess I was trying to be that supportive and strong wife and I probably pushed him away. But I am happy I married him and I love him deeply. I just worry about how he bottles up everything.

It's very common for depressed people to bottle up everything. The thing is, if you try to open the bottle he'll just get upset that you're nagging him. Be there for him to open up to -- on his time schedule. Make that safe place for him. Accept his illness for what it is: a brain malfunction. His depression is not a reflection on you or your marriage. He may need medication. If you don't know a lot about depression you may want to read up on it some more. Just don't take it personally, and do what you can to make your home a peaceful place.

 

[Press On]

Whitceegee, you are tremendously burdened. Having lots of people around in close quarters would drive anybody crazy, especially family. My wife and I recently had to invite her sister to leave our home after living with us a few months. Even with just one disruptive person we were astounded at what a negative influence her sister was on our marriage and peace in the home, even though we have been married 30 years. Your husband is handling the situation at home the only way he knows how which is staying away.

I believe you will see much improvement in your marriage once you two can live your lives in peace on your own again.

I suggest taking this time to educate yourself on depression. There are a lot of websites that will give you insight on how to deal with a seriously depressed person. Participating on this forum would also be a way to help you cope because we understand depression here and most of us have some form of it.

I will be praying. Hope to hear from you again.

 

[2ndCovanent]

Perhaps there might be some unseen passive aggression somewhere? I know for me I tend to avoid people who make me feel uncomfortable but I can't explain why for one reason or another. As someone said, chaos is one thing a depressed person does not need in their life.

Perhaps it might be helpful if you handled as much of his business as possible and kept him out of the loop if he really wanted.

 

[Whitceegee]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to update. He came home earlier than we both expected a little more relaxed and realized that he wants both of us to have our space back as a newly married couple. I am helping him with his business that he just started but I am happy he came back refreshed. We talked for a long time and though there are a few kinks that need to be fixed, he realized that he was depressed and appreciates me giving him that time for peace. I admit that I was somewhat bratty and not as understanding at the beginning but we are spending more time together and realized that is is time to get the overcrowding and clutter out of our home.
Also I stay in constant prayer for my husband and for myself to watch my mouth.
I thank you all for the advice and prayers!

 

[Press On]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to update. He came home earlier than we both expected a little more relaxed and realized that he wants both of us to have our space back as a newly married couple. I am helping him with his business that he just started but I am happy he came back refreshed. We talked for a long time and though there are a few kinks that need to be fixed, he realized that he was depressed and appreciates me giving him that time for peace. I admit that I was somewhat bratty and not as understanding at the beginning but we are spending more time together and realized that is is time to get the overcrowding and clutter out of our home.
Also I stay in constant prayer for my husband and for myself to watch my mouth.
I thank you all for the advice and prayers!

Glad to hear things are improving. Thanks for updating us.