Depressed and trying to accept Christ...Long story please read

[drshields88]

I believed in a god up until about age 14 when i started thinking philosophically and pondering over the meaning of life and whatnot. The whole concept of god, especially as a sentient humanoid being seemed completely ridiculous to me but i never admitted to myself that I don't believe out of fear of going to hell if there really was one. After a while though this fear left and I was able to freely wear my atheism on my sleeve and admit it to myself and others around me. That year and the following year were pretty uneventful. But during the fall of 2004 I suddenly, for no reason became stuck in a neverending depression. I still remember that jolt of sadness I felt all of a sudden that never went away and has since lingered going up and down in intensity depending on changing situations or medications/lacktherof. I had almost immediately, within that week, decided to kill myself via some kind of drug overdose. I did some research and decided I would just overdose on aspirin and wait the few days for my liver to be irrepairably damaged so I could finally die. I cried about being alive and how i never chose it constantly, I almost completely forgot what it was like to be happy. But I was content with dying, I had a plan, knew how to do it, had a date set and was 100% willing to execute. I had no fear of hell nor did I wonder or care about any afterlife. I had decided to do it the tuesday night before thanksgiving holidays because that would give me 5 school free days of time to die. That way if I didn't die I wouldn't miss any days of school and have to make up any work. Im sure u can tell that education is my #1 priority. I mean after all, if you fail at school you en dup with a crap career and make crap money and thus fail at life. Yes I know most ppl are going to break my balls about putting money above all else but thats how it is for me and how its always been and probably always will be. Anyways my plan was foiled because I was making constant threats to my parents during arguments that i was going to kill myself. they didnt really take me totally seriously until one day when after school my mom drove me somewhere she didnt say where but it ended up being a hospital psychiactric ward. then when the nurse started to ask me questions about my sadness and depression i cried and admitted i wanted to kill myself. long story short they admitted me to the psych ward for 5 days, i was given wellbutrin and sent on my way. For several months maybe a year I had put/tried to put that episode of depression out of my mind. I thought that was just a brief period of craziness, just a phase i went through.

Throughout senior year i was medicated with Adderall for my concentration and also in that year is when I fell in love with this girl who I will call K. She was the third girl i had ever loved but the difference with her is that she liked me back. She had a boyfriend at the time but she still had a crush on me, I ignored it out of the extreme shyness the adderall caused for me but i ended up stopping the adderall and took xanax for that last month of senior year in highschool. That month I finally started talking and flirting with her and we got along very well and it was obvious to everyone around us that we liked eachother. Shed be such a giggly girly girl around me when shes kind of *mean around everyone else. The few times she cried out of sadnesss from various things talking to me cheered her up immediately. She sobbed uncontrollably when I told her closer to the end of the year that we may never see each other again cus we were going to different colleges. Needless to say I was sad about this also. I cried every single day that summer missing her, I called her once because i wanted to give her a more proper goodbye but she didnt return the phone call. I really just wanted to say everything i needed to say to her i wasnt looking for a relationship. She had a boyfriend at the time too but I figured if she liked me then she must not have very strong feelings for him in the first place. Only recently have i learned that many girls especially in the teen ages can like multiple people at a time. Knowing that doesnt help but w/e. Fast forward and im in college, the depression slowly creeped back into me over the course of the summer. I thought of her every day and cried over her every day, not able to move on not able to make friends not able to get on with it with other girls. The only reason i even got laid at all was because im extraordinarily good looking. If it wasnt for that nobody would come within 100 yards of me because i oozed and seethed sadness and misery from every pore. People could tell. I frequently got drunk and passed out around campus yelling to people about how much life sucks and how much i dont care about things and not wanting to live. I went shotgun shopping around november of that year but not having enough money to buy one i gave up for a while. I saw a shrink about a week after and he told me to promise not to kill myself at least until our next appointment. I didnt becuase the suicidal feeling had gone away, but the depression remained. We continued our appointments but they were useless, talking to shrinks is like talking to a wall for me. But moaning on forums on the internet feels much better, I believe its because of the anonymity. Anyways, 2 days after christmas of that year december 27, 2006 at 1:17 PM i called K, i remember to this day almost every word of the conversation, at least what she said, not so much what i said:

K: Hello?
Me: Hey K, guess who?
K: Uuhhhh, I dunnnooo....
Me: Its (name)
K: OOooohhhh (sounded like a half laugh half UUuuugghhhh like she didnt want to hear from me)
Me: So i heard you were single?
K: ...Look i cant talk right now, thers alot of guys around me making a bunch of noise
Me: Wait...K..I love you, theres not a day thats gone by when i havent thought about you. I know i did alot of stupid things in the past and i know i made some mistakes but i love you so much. (i didnt really make any mistakes but thats just what i blurted out cus i was overcome with emotion)
K: Look.....youre a good friend, but i dont like you like that. (in a soft kind voice)
Me: *sobbing uncontrollably from this point till she hung up* (some more I love yous in there, some other stuff) and: (i put a shotgun in my mouth and the only reason i didnt blow my head off was because i thought you still had feelings for me"
K: well maybe you should see a therapist or something (soft voice ends, annoyed voice starts)
Me: K i love you
K: look u should see a therapist or something
Me: K please can you just talk to me i love you, thers not a day thats gone by where i havent missed you
K: you know what, i think you need to find god (she knew i was an atheist but didnt have a problem with it before)
Me: *something*
K: I think you need to find god
Me: K please i love you why are you acting like this...*i keep talking and i hear her pull the phone away from her ear and laugh to her friends and say "ughh hes still talking*
K: look i got to go
Me: k why cant u talk to me I love you. do you know why i called you over the summer?
K: *pause*
Me: I wanted to tell you that I love you and i wanted to give you a proper goodbye.
K: *silence*
Me: im sorry i told you i dont love, wahst the matter do you think im a drug addict or something
K: No
Me: k i love you so much
K: I have a boyfriend (back to the soft voice but with a little desperation in it)
Me: *something* *something* (at this poitn i was hysterical with sadness crying harder than i ever have in my life even as a kid) Just tell me you dont have feelings for me any more please, i need to hear it from you i have to hear it from you
K: ...I have to go, ill talk to you later (softer voice)
Me: Please K i love you, there hasnt been a day thats gone by that i ahvent thought about you or missed you i just have to see you again please...please i have to see you again
K: ....Ill talk to you later (softest tone of voice since picking up the phone)
Me: please i need to see you again i just have to see you i just want to say goodbye K i love you so much...if you dont have feelings for me anymore please say it K i love you i have to hear it from you i need to hear it
Me: K?! Are you there?
Me: Hello?!
K: i have to go ill talk to you later.
Me: K please!... K!
K: *hangs up*

the worst crying done in my life were because of repeatedly recalling and remembering that conversation. ive analyzed and analyzed it every word she said how she said it when she said it. analyzed what the pauses could have meant, what her refusal to outright admit that she didnt have feelings for me meant towards the end of the convo. Because after a little while after the convo started she said she didnt like me like that but after i started talking and explaining she didnt repeat it, she just kept avoiding the answer saying she had to go. That is the sliver of hope i hold on to, her not outright saying she doesnt have feelings for me anymore meaning she still might somewhere, even just a little. the past 2 times ive been in love i had gotten over because both of thsoe girls were 2 years older than me and went off to college and i got over them, plus i didnt really know those two, it was more of a crush thing i had on them maybe not really love. I havent gotten over K because she is the only one thats accessible. We go to diff colleges but i know where she lives, works, i have her number, we used to be good friends, i know her friends etc. if she vanished into thin air like the previous two im sure i wouldve gotten over her. anyways, i was so sad and so hysterical i didnt know what to do. Suicide was all of a sudden the last thing on my mind. I think because of this, subconsciously i may have wanted for her to feel sad if i killed myself but after knowing she wouldnt really care the suicidality vanished but i was stuck with even more severe depression. that was the first time i prayed to god/jesus asking him to spare my soul and save me from the sadness, i sat and watched the 700 club every day for about a week, prayed about 10 times a day. every time i would think about her and feel that rush of sadness coming up i would get on my knees and pray to jesus as my lord and savior, ask him to protect me from satan ask him to help me fight off this sadness. that was my first phase of the christianity trial, it ended about a week after spring semester in college started up. i was still depressed and still sad about her but no longer needed god to pray to. i cried pretty much 24/7 for the next 6 months. on and off every other day or so for a few months more. everyone in my campus building knew me as that really hot but depressed suicidal guy that never talks. they all knew i was searching for a shotgun so they left me alone, moreso after the virginia tech incident cus they didnt want me to go on a killing spree before i killed myself if i ever did. every time i got drunk and didnt fall asleep, during the comedown of the alcohol i sobbed and always about her.

i slowly, very slowly started to get over it a little around november/december 2007. i had started to grow my hair out during december 2006 and was getting even more attention from girls that usual so im sure that helped put stuff out of my mind. i was still miserable though. i called K again on christmas of 2007 and left a message "so you never called me back, i hope we can talk" but she didnt reply. i was drunk at the time too i figured if i wasnt then i would cry my ass off if she rejected me again but she never picked up. the suicidality slowly began to come back when i realized that i would be suspended from school for spring 2008 semeester for not keeping a 2.0 GPA. i was too depressed to study and had 0 motivation and nothing would stay in my head when i did try. i tried to get a job but mostly just spent the days sleeping, crying, playing world of warcraft, and watching tv. nothing else really happend till a few months ago. i wrecked my car while text messaging and got another one. that 2nd car i wrecked on my way to school for the summer term ( iwas reinstated but placed on academic probation) and was charged with a DUI even though i wasnt under the influence of anything. now i dont have a car but w/e. my dad drives me to school and i try to study cus i know i need to really hard. but this *pain of a teacher im stuck with yells at me for nodding off for 2 seconds in class and has accused me of stealing tests. throughout the previous months i resumed mys hotgun shopping and research on overdosing on diff meds. im over 18 so i can get a shotgun easily i just dont have the money for it now. i wanted to die and still do but am now more passively suicidal since i accepted christ again tonight. only reason was cus i looked up K's myspace which is set to private but i saw her new main picture and it just made me so sad all over again. i sobbed for quite a while, prayed for quite a wihle, and now here i am on this forum posting about how to stay a christian. unless uve experienced it u can never know how it feels to feeel like the world is closing in on you and to feel such sudden aloneness and unexplainable sadness stemming from one thing but eminating from all things. i used to curse god before my first trial into christianity and again before this current trial. i just need to know how im supposed to stay. Trying to believe in a god is like trying to convince myself the sky is orange. I know i cant do it the logical way because logically god does not exist, i cant deny that. what i have to convince myself is that god is above logic, i have to have faith and faith is blind. I need that faith. during my first trial all i did was pray. i wasnt baptized ive never set foot in a church or talked to a priest or touched a bible so im guessing i have to do those things. im just wondering tho at the same time if i will wake up tomorrow and be like "lol i tried to be christian again" and continue doing what i was doing before.

only reason i have posted this is because the anonymity of the internet is the best outlet to open up emotionally. therapists dont work for me, around real people my emotions dissapear. no i dont mean they are bottled up around people, i mean around people my emotions suddenly become nonexistent. i become a purely nonemotional person. so i QQ on the web. ive accepted jesus christ as my lord and savior. i want to continue to accept him because i hope my depression will be cured. yes i still want to die and yes im still depressed but its not that bad after since i accepted christ an hour and a half ago. i hope it will continue to get better.

say what you want to say because i have nothing more

 

[BelovedWord]

First off, I am praying for you. I have been dealing with depression for over 8 years. My faith in Christ helps me, but honestly my medication (Cymbalta) is what keeps me from being depressed. Depression is a vicious cycle. If posting on a forum helps you the most, than by all means post away. We have a section here that you can go to for advice and support on dealing with depression. If you feel suicidal please get help fast. Call a suicide hotline here is one 1-800-273-TALK or go here http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org . As far as keeping your faith, start reading the Bible, I suggest starting with the book of John, and follow up with Matthew, Exodus 20 and the Psalms. These will give you a good foundation to keep your faith going. Continue your prayer life and keep hope alive. The best but hardest kind of prayer is to just sit and listen. God will communicate with you if you have an open mind. It does not have to be His voice, but thoughts that enter your mind as a solution to your prayers. If you want to talk to someone, please PM me. I will keep the anonymity that you enjoy.

God Bless,
Rev. Brian

 

[Natural1]

Clinical depression is rough...I had to take Prozac myself to get thru the roughest parts. Was never suicidal so I can't say I understand how it feels...but I know the hopelessness & helplessness. I did have images in my head during the worst parts, imagining myself jumping off a bridge or hanging from a noose...but knew I would never act on it.
One philosophy which did carry me through was telling myself "If I'm going to kill myself, I mightas well do everything I always wanted to do before dying before I go thru with it". What that did was help me see outside the box I had created for myself, reminding me I could be WHOEVER I wanted to be in life and was not constrained by the chains I or anyone else had created for me.

 

[Radiata]

I dare say that this is the longest post I have ever read. And have gone over the post limit before and had to split it up into multiple posts.

Your testimony is one that I have heard many times before. You are not the only one going through this. But instead of pointing you toward other people or at self help sites, I think that you need to talk to someone right now. So once you get 5ive posts you will be able to send someone a private message if you wish. Otherwise you can continue on this thread.

K was right to try and point you towards Christ, but I don't think she should have pushed you away like that. Let me quote from a book "God: The Evidence."

If a new health treatment were discovered that helped to reduce the rate of teenage suicide, prevent drig and alcohol abuse, improve treatment for depression, reduce recovery time from surgery, lower divorce rates and enhance a sense of well-being, one would think that every physician in the country would be scrambling to try it. Yet, what if critics denounced this treatment as harmful, despite research findings that showed it to be effective more than 80% of the time? Which would you be more ready to believe-the assertions of the critics based on their opinions or the results of the clinical trials based upon research?
​

[FONT=&quot]
The new health treatment that Larson is talking about is of course, Christian faith. Numerous studies show that Believers are far less likely than nonbelievers to commit suicide, abuse drugs/alcohol, experience debilitating stress or get depressed or divorced. Plus, those who were actively involved in their faith consistently report higher levels of personal happiness and psychological well-being than do their agnostic or atheistic counterparts.

And there are some who call Christianity a mental disorder?

Just to follow it up, I'm going to give you some statistics that relate to the issues that you have gone through.

Suicide:
A large scale study found that persons who did not attend church were 4 times more likely to commit suicide than were frequent church attenders. Lack of church attendance has been found to the single best predictor of suicide rates, better even than unemployment.

Drug abuse:
I include this section because you mentioned OD.
One survey of nearly 14,000 youths found that substance abuse varied in direct proportion to strength of religious commitment, with the most conservative religious youths abusing the least. The authors of this study concluded that 'importance of religion' was the single best predictor of substance abuse patterns.

Alcohol abuse:
One study found that nearly 90% of alcoholics had lost interest in religion in youth, while among the nonalcoholic control group, 48% reported an increase in religious commitment in adulthood and 32% reported no change.

Overall happiness and psychological well-being:
Strong religious believers consistently report greater overall happiness and satisfaction with life. 2/3 of people who reported that they were happy were people of strong faith.

So while you are searching for solutions to your problems, you should remain in a Christian environment. I can't say for sure that this will be a quick and easy change, but what I do know is: Since being a Christian helps people so much, you should try staying with it while you look for answers. If you approach this from the outside, it may not have as great as an effect.

What I must tell you is, people are happier, not because of what God has given them, but because of what God has promised them. Sure, God has abundantly blessed some on earth more so than others, but all that fails greatly in comparison to the blessing that He has given to us through His Son Jesus. God promised, and God has delivered. For unto us, a Son was born, and he has paid the price for you to be with God. The ransom that has been too much to bear, has been paid for with the blood of Jesus Christ.

You see, in the old testament, God instructed a sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins. Sins are what separate us from God, and without a means to have our sins erased, than we will remain separated. Over time, the people just sacrificed for the sake of sacrificing. They no longer meant it. Repentance was no longer a part of their sacrifice. Finally, God said to them, "I don't want your sacrifices. I want you to stop sinning. Your sacrifices have become a stench in my nose. Therefore, he promised His Son that will come as the final sacrifice that all people will be able to be forgiven, so long as they have faith. (Faith does not mean belief. It means trust) So long as we trust in Jesus Christ as the one who has saved us from our sin, then we have the promise of eternal life in Heaven with God. This is why people are so happy as a Christian. Because no matter what happens on earth, we always have the promise that God has redeemed us. [/FONT]

 

[Natural1]

A couple more things...I know all about loneliness. Spent over 10 years without a girlfriend and very few friends in general before meeting my wife. This may sound like a cliche, but it's true: When you are your own best friend, you're never truly alone. You have to love yourself before you truly love anyone else...and part of loving yourself is living the life you want.
School getting too rough? Take a year off, you can always go back to it. Parents or someone else giving you too much stress? Give yourself time away from them. Hell, this is your life we're talking about...it's yours to do what ever you want with it! If you tell yourself there's no way you can take off from school because XYZ reason and so-and-so will be upset with you...well there may be the problem there. You don't have anyone else's expectations to live up to but your own...and God's. And God wants you to be your true self, not what others see or want you to be.
Have you thought about visiting a local church?

 

[Radiata]

I should also mention that there are three circumstances, er.. no four, that lead people to Christ.
1. Fear. Fear of Hell, fear of going to the wrong afterlife.

2. Other people. Some people Come to Christ for the sole purpose reason that someone told them. There was no struggle at all.

3. Scientific/historical reasons. People like the famous Lee Strobal struggled on for years trying to find out if the bible was a reliable document and tested the greatest biblical scholars in the world for accuracy. There are also scientists that believe because they see that there is no way for this world to not be from God.

4. Heart issue. I believe that this one is the reason that you should be interested in. Lee Strobal searched for truth to try and persuade his wife that it was a bunch of lies but when she converted, he began to notice very pleasant changes in her. For her it was more of a heart issue. The same thing that it should be with you. When you pray, don't expect to receive because prayer isn't about receiving. It's about becoming. One of the leaders at a camp that I went to said that when he was still an atheist, he asked God for rest. Then he got sick and had to take time off of everything. After a while when he was better he said to himself: "I'm well rested!" It freaked him out. This is the same thing that you should be looking for. Instead of looking for an answer to your problems, God will provide you with the means to tackle your problems head on. I hope that you are able to continue on and endure with God's help.

 

[drshields88]

its just hard for me to talk to god because i feel stupid talking to him since hes supposed to be omnipotent and knows everything already, when i say stuff i start to think "why am i telling him this he already knows". also i know god is reached through jesus and jesus is god but i am quite homophobic and it is impossible for me to have any sort of emotional connection with another man. i can only care for attractive women. praying to jesus and saying i love you to jesus and crying to him just feels bad and gay. id rather pray to an omnipotent being that i can only imagine than jesus because to me in my eyes yes hes gods son and evyerthing but its hard to get past the superficial. the first thing isee when i think/see jesus on the cross is "a sweaty guy without a shirt on" and i cant love that because of my homophobia. is this bad? how do i fix this?

by the way, its the next day and just as i predicted as soon as i woke up and felt better i feel as if i dont need god anymore. but im pushing those thoughts out of my head. hopefully this time ill last more than a week.

 

[BelovedWord]

Don't look at Jesus as just another man. Look at Him as a Father figure. Someone to go to for guidance and support. Keep an open mind and you can overcome this problem.

Brian

 

[drshields88]

but i hate my father and have never respected him or seen him as a source of support/guidance/anything positive

 

[Radiata]

but i hate my father and have never respected him or seen him as a source of support/guidance/anything positive

Well, you just need to see God as some all loving being that wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

[Polycarp_fan]

"Trying to believe in a god is like trying to convince myself the sky is orange. I know i cant do it the logical way because logically god does not exist, i cant deny that. what i have to convince myself is that god is above logic, i have to have faith and faith is blind. I need that faith. during my first trial all i did was pray. i wasnt baptized ive never set foot in a church or talked to a priest or touched a bible so im guessing i have to do those things. im just wondering tho at the same time if i will wake up tomorrow and be like "lol i tried to be christian again" and continue doing what i was doing before."

First, it is antithetical TO logic, not to believe in God. 0 x 0 = atheism. Rational provable, reasonable logic, is that there is a created order to everything. "Faith" is better thought of as "trust." You can trust rational thought and proveable reality. Everything is existing "in" something. Even, what we cannot see. Scientists had "faith" that their evidences pointed them to the complexity of things. Once the ability to prove that faith discover "able" (inventions from the microscope to quantum mechanics) was implemented, then we had proof of things unseen were not just myth and imagination.

OK, now on to the reality of women. Love and desire (dear sir) are proof of a greatness that exists within you that, like of the unseen world of incredible things, your life is meaningful. Yes, yes, seek a therapist AND seek a good Church, and never, ever think about hurting yourself and completing the thought. This woman you love, will never go away even if you don't ever become a couple. I am a married man, and, not to just "one" of the women I have loved (in my life) but, to A wonderful and beautiful woman I fell madly and deeply in love with . . . and . . . she to me. But the woman in my life or, rather the women in my life that I have loved, have never gone away completely.

There is a cure for a broken heart, only the healing comes from your own body and heart healing itself. And it will. READ the Bible. IT IS ALL ABOUT A BROKEN HEART that gets ripped to pieces and healed again. IT IS GOD'S heart. YOU are who God loves. And before you, there were others. God has left us a lesson about pain and hurting through His honest story told in the pages of the Bible.

There is a future and it is so bright and so beautiful, that God shows it to you in writing. A contract, a guarantee that life - and life is eternal - is a series of love and heart break and love again, until love is all you will ever have.

Think about it, you desire to be "in love" forever. So does God.

The reason that the creation is so easily proven is because the love God has for you is easily proven too.

Keep seeking love and you will realize that it can never leave you, because it never has.

 

[OneThingOnly]

Greetings in the Name of Jesus...
Hope the clapping character doens't annoy you since you are most likely despressed when you read this. That little happy character does reflect the joy that comes as you experience God and His Son Jesus personally.

Being a Christian is a faith thing foremost above all. You must believe God. God wants us to be free from the things in life that rob us of peace and joy. He has made this possible through His Son Jesus.

Becoming Christian is not an intellectual decision only. If that is all that happens, then you do not become Christian. Becoming Christian is the supernatural experience of being born again.

Unless a person is born again as Jesus stated in the 3rd chapter of John, they cannot have or live the Christian life. It is the incoming life of Jesus thorugh the Holy Spirit into our lives that takes our faith from a mind thing to a heart thing. His life in us is what gives us the possibilty of living Christian and experience God.

When we have the Holy Spirit and as we learn to submit to Him, He will teach us what we need to know and how we need to live in order to experience the new life He gives us.

Unfortuantely, there are not many churches that teach this. Once you are born again, you must then follow Jesus as Jesus taught. If you are interested in learning more about this, I have developed some free resources to help folks move forward in this journey toward a close personal relationship with God through Jesus. Just visit my profile page and drop me a note. Blessings

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

ive accepted jesus christ as my lord and savior. i want to continue to accept him because i hope my depression will be cured. yes i still want to die and yes im still depressed but its not that bad after since i accepted christ an hour and a half ago. i hope it will continue to get better.

Greetings. How often do you read the Bible if I may ask?

I recommend reading through the Gospel of John a few times then the rest of the NT/NC then start reading the OT/OC of the Bible and then you may better understand the reason YHWH sent His Christ Jesus to the World. And always pray to the LORD before you read to give you guidance and understanding of His Words of Life as JESUS is Life.

And you don't need a "bucket" to draw the water He gives freely to those who are thirsting. Lean on Him!! Peace

John 4:11 Is saying to Him, the woman, "Lord! not a bucket Thou are having, and the well is deep, whence then Thou are having the water, the living?

John 7:37 In yet the last day, the great, of the feast, stood the Jesus and cries-out, saying, "If-ever any-one may be thirsting let him be coming toward Me and be drinking";

Reve 21:6 And He said to me:" it-has-become. I Am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end.
I, to the one thirsting shall be giving out of the spring of the Water of the Life gratuitously".

 

[CVL]

Dose of reality.

Do you get the feeling that people are monkeys trying to perform brain surgury and think they know best for you?

True help requires empathy. That's in short supply these days. There are very few selfless acts. Most people help others to make themselves feel good. What does that mean? If they can't help you in the way they want to, they won't. It's like wanting to volunteer to clean contaminated animals after an oil spill disaster, only to discover you've been assigned to run lunch orders for those people. Nobody wants to do that. If people can't help you the way you need, then tell them to go felp themselves. People have a way of [wash my mouth?]ing things up, royaly. Sometimes every little bit helps, and sometimes those little bits are in opposition.

You can't love anyone until you love yourself. Sounds stupid, right? It is. It's incredibly shallow and lacks any kind of insight. However, sometimes you have to put your feelings on hold. Sometimes you have to put everyone elses' feelings on hold as well, and move forward.

This is from someone that's been to a worse Hell.

Having trouble believing in God or believing in the existance of God? Maybe you're having trouble believing in a specific image of God. God exists through the acts of humankind. I know a lot of people aren't human, but you might be.

You don't need to feel positive and cheery all the time. You feel what you feel. Don't let other people tell you what to feel. (I'm aware of the contradiction )

You don't need to "love" Jesus or God or your fellow man. You can just understand them. Don't try to love something you don't. That wouldn't be you. Maybe your definition of love is different. Love of a woman is different than the other kinds. I wouldn't even call the other kinds love, anymore. Love is just a four letter word.

 

[heymikey80]

I honestly thought I was reading about myself as I read your posting.

My experience in high school and college was massively the same as yours -- except I'm old, I didn't get antidepressants or psychiatrists for it.

I'm not sure my answer is the same as yours. And it really takes going through it to make it happen. It wasn't easy. In fact it was terribly ... well, real. I kept looking at reality and thinking, "Well my old way still explains the world, I really should end it all."

But something didn't add up.

I spent a lot of time in philosophy classes trying to explain that bit that didn't add up. And then I started to read theologians about that bit. How that bit really did add up to something more than my old explanation for the world.

That bit was ... well, me. I didn't add up. I shouldn't be here, wanting what I want, seeking who I seek, loving an apparently unloving world. Why else suicide? I didn't fit.

But I was here.

The world that you thought you glimpsed with this girl. It's real. It's out there, beckoning to you. And you caught a look at that world of love and depth kind of like a crack in a door while she was walking through.

You can walk through too. Maybe not right now. Maybe it'll take people around you. Maybe it'll take a lot of hard nights wondering if it's really all true. Honest, it took a lot of surgery on my old outlook. My family shattered during this time, sorta the same situation with a girl as yours, the death of an old friend, me in a grungy one-room dorm over 100 years old, and my world feeling like a huge, slow-motion train wreck.

It took a lot of people, Christians, doing things they don't even remember doing now. Few even remember me. And that's part of why I know it's true. Because they weren't performing to prove anything to me. That was important. I had to find out if it were real.

I hope and pray you find out what I did. It took some time. A year was simply lost to staying alive with forlorn hope. And then two more years going to philosophy classes, reading books in philosophy, then theology, then reading in seminary libraries for the tough answers (just go to a seminary, they'll point out the library). Is there something to this? Was it historical? Does any way work? Does anyone do it? (This one took a lot'f explaining why some people don't do it, yet are religious.)

And then the big question: is it real?

It's real.

 

[drshields88]

this is a shoutout to all the WoW OTers. this is real btw, i just added the belair in the OT version cus its more epic than QQ about suicide.

 

[Larry D. McCarty]

Depression Prayer; First of all to anyone out their that is in Depression let me tell you this depression is of the devil not God...I want you to read this prayer 10 times aday and keep reading it depression will go away and keep reading the word of GOD!!!

PRAYER

I want you to be free from depression. Let me pray for you: Lord, bless my dear friend. May he/she not suffer depression. He/she doesn't have to be sad; depression is not of You. I tell depression, "Go from him/her in Jesus mame!"
The Bible says there are rivers of living water that can flow out of him/her; he/she can have a peace of God that passes all understanding.(John 7:38, Phil. 4:7.) I thank You for these, Lord, and command them to come to my friends right now, in Jesus' name! Amen.
Now say, "I will rejoice in God," and you will have it made.
David said, Rejoice in the Lord (Ps. 33:1). The wonderful God of the universe lives indide of you! You have His strength to throw off and triumph over the immense problems of life. Every day you can walk in such great joy that the things which happen to you will be immaterial.
Victory over depression is for you. Be completely free! Be refreshed in the freedom that the Lord Jesus Christ has given to you. Walk in victorious joy!

Their is a book out in every Christian Book Store call You Can Conquer Depresssion by Dr. Lester Sumrall cost about $2.00 or something, get it and read it every day it is a small book it will help you...Keep in Church and in faith read your BIBLE every day, and don't forget you'll always have a friend on this end that love you and care about you me and my wife God bless you Larry & Kathy......

 

[notsogrim]

I have a good solution... grow up, realize that life goes on, and there are always other options. Dont take the easy way out, and by that I mean, look to some imaginary being for guidance. Realistically think about your situation, you were on anti-depressants and such when you had that whole phone call ordeal. People grow through issues, not by blindly thinking everything will be okay because God knows this or that... no, thats for people who dont like dealing with their own problems. Buddy, grow a pair, otherwise life will eat you alive.

 

[Radiata]

So how have you been? Can you tell us how your walk is comming?

 

[Scrat]

it sounds like you already have faith. you prayed to god, didn't you? thats a form of faith. you just need to get in touch with it. immersing yourself in prayer and god's word and getting some real-life christians that you can talk to could definitely help you do that.