Depressed again

[Celticroots]

I think my depression is coming back. I am tired much of the time. Loneliness has been really getting to me. Partly because I want to be with people who share my beliefs and have tried looking online. I was part of a Christian chat for a while and it seemed OK.

Until you voiced a different opinion. Some person even asked me. "You don't believe in creation?" *face desk* I do believe God created everything, just not in the very narrow, literal way you think it happened in the Bible. While, at the same time, missing the bigger point of Genesis- man is cut from God because of sin and is spiritually dead. I just choose not to deny the evidence for what's clearly right in front of our faces-evolution happened. You know, reality. And I doubt God would want me to.

If it's not about that, it's someone shoving their views in your face because you have the audacity (oh the horror) to disagree with them about some trivial aspect of Scripture. Basically, I feel like I can never just be myself and feel judged.

I am not Christian enough for Christians, but I am not an Atheist either. I feel like God doesn't even accept me, that I have to make myself presentable first. I read a post on another site about how apparently there's no archaeological evidence for Exodus. Even though I don't take the Bible literally, that made me start wondering about Jesus' death and resurrection. If everything I put my faith in was a lie. So I am going to read some books about archeological evidence for the Bible.

I've been praying daily and reading the Word to get closer to God.

In addition to feeling tired a lot, I also notice that I am irritable and lethargic. The main reason I think is I can't meet people, despite doing everything. No matter how busy I stay, the thought always rears it's ugly head. I am ready to give up. It's like there's this internal ache that I just can't get rid of.

Prayers, encouragement, something, would be appreciated. I am on anti-depressants and they worked well for a long time. I am going to tell my therapist about how I am feeling when I see her next. Depression isn't caused by sin. It's not a character flaw. It's an illness. Keep in mind I know not everyone thinks that, that there are people who know depression is a disease.

Has God helped you in your depression? If so, how?

 

[Tempura]

I don't take everything literally either. I believe it's a spiritual book, not a history book. Just recently I was overwhelmed with weird doubt as well. I was distressed, but after a while it seemed like the table was cleared in a way, and all that remained was Jesus, hope and love. Even Christ Himself explained some old scripture in a different way that was new for the people. He straight up denied "tooth for a tooth" from the old testament too. He showed how not everything has to have a literal meaning. I got reminded of what faith is, the very essence of it. There's always uncertainty to it, and it's about where our heart is. In the end, I think those doubts are good, and facing them not only makes it clearer what our faith is, but makes us stronger in that faith.

People who can't face their doubts, often become judgemental focusing on laws and rules instead of Christ. Christ himself warned us about that behavior, when he reprimanded religious people. Why would I chain myself to laws, rules and fear, if I believe Christ is a savior who died for us? If I can somehow be holy by "behaving and believing right", why would I need Christ then? Remember when Christ told about the two men praying. The pharisee's prayer was basically this: "look how good I am". And for all we know, he probably was. He probably followed all the religious rules and laws. He could have been the poster boy of righteousness. Christ didn't like his prayer, but instead the prayer of a man who didn't even know how he should pray, and who was probably weak in his faith as well. He just asked God for mercy, not thinking he deserved it.

Martin Luther (don't worry, not pushing anything on you) said something about faith and reason. He said reason wants to know and be sure before it is able to believe, and it can't go any further than where its own light leads it. But faith (he used the word grace, but meant faith as well) gladly steps into that darkness and uncertainty. I think it's well said. Not because I'm a lutheran (I'd just use the term christian, but I can't change it, can't find any profile options about it. I was baptized into a evangelical-lutheran church as an infant, but representing a "team" doesn't mean anything to me), but because it made sense to me.

Faith can also be a choice, not just a feeling. If it's a feeling we follow, we will get lost, since our feelings are what they are, fickle. I made the choice to have faith in Jesus, because I simply want to, that yearning is in my soul. I haven't met anything more resonating with my soul that can even compare to Christ's words. I won't have faith in my own faith either, because it can be strong as well as weak, but just Jesus and God instead. This way, it's not about me or what's in my power, but about something greater, and I have recognized my own limits. I don't know, but I want to believe. If I don't "feel" like I believe enough, it's okay, it's not my feelings I have faith in. It's good that I am just a man, and that God, that great mysterious something, is God.

I have been told that I'm not a real christian. Many of us have. At the time it hurt, because I was hurting myself, just like you are depressed now. It hurt, because I hoped the people would be more Christ-like. I'm a lot better now, and I can take a lot more abuse, and I couldn't give a damn if someone considers me a christian or not - I don't care about the label. My faith is between me and God, and it's not a tool for any club. It's not about "being right", and it's not about politics either. It's not about evidence either. What good is faith, if I need to know? And like Paul said: We hope for what we can't see. If we could see it, why would we hope for it? Anyway, it's a sad realization for many to see so much judgement coming from christians. We, who should know better, accuse each other of everything and are so eager to fill each others' hearts with fear and condemnation. I would like to believe that you, me and many others are just exceptions, drops in the ocean, but it certainly doesn't seem that way.

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We are allowed to have differences in our faiths. It is bound to happen. We are all our own people, our minds and hearts and souls aren't the same. Paul wrote this: "Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand."

I believe it's clear that Paul wasn't talking about only food, but the differences in our faiths in general. We should accept these differences among us, instead of jumping at each others' throats. Your faith is yours, and it's between you and God.

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You don't have to be presentable to God. Christ already took care of that. It's His sacrifice that matters, not our perceived "cleanliness". Because if it's about how we look or about what we can do, it becomes about us again, and hello pretentious hypocrisy! We would become obsessed over trivialities, trying to earn something that was already given us in Christ. In fact, the less presentable you think you are, the more honest you most likely are. It's good to be honest to God and by extension to yourself, not thinking too much of yourself. Have no fear. Grace isn't grace if it's earned. And if we believe it, we can love one another with a happy heart - which we know is a good thing - instead of thinly veiled efforts to be "good", out of fear, while judging our brothers and sisters on the side.

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I do believe God has helped me in my depression. The very turning point of my depression was when I cried out to God for help at my lowest point, so much in pain that I thought I would have to kill myself. I was an alcoholic and an addict, and I had suffered from depression and anxiety for quite a while already. I didn't know it then, but I believe I was carried through those dark times. It surely took its time, but I'm glad it did, because I learned a lot. I also believe that searching for Christ and focusing on His love and grace helped me to allow that love, and any love for that matter, for myself. To allow myself to be weak, to accept my weaknesses, to embrace the broken man I was and in many ways still am, without being a slave to shame, guilt and fear. It took its time, also many treatments, many failures on my part too, but here I am.

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Do not worry. Be honest to God and yourself, pray as you are and with the faith you have, and everything will be fine. Face your doubts and know where your heart is. In time you surely will know. Do not worry about other people and their judgements. They can't judge you, no matter how hard they try.

Said a prayer for you, hoping for comfort and love to come your way.

 

[Press On]

Many Christians can be very intolerant. Their words will cut you like a knife and they will think nothing of it, or perhaps they will even be proud of their "knowledge" and perceived standing with God regarding spiritual matters.

You are doing what you should be doing: praying, reading the Word, asking in the spirit, seeking with a pure open heart. Even questioning and doubting is ok if it is considered a learning process.

 

[Take Heart]

I feel like God doesn't even accept me, that I have to make myself presentable first.

God's not like those people who make you feel like you have to be 'presentable' first in order to be accepted : )
He's bigger than that..He's much more bigger than what we think He's like. His ways are higher than our ways..His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. If we needed to come to God by being 'presentable' first, then we wouldn't need Jesus Christ to step in for us. He would have said "you got this", "do it yourself".."save yourself".."be perfect first before I even remotely think of accepting you."

He doesn't treat us like humans have treated us. Some have expectations that 'should' be met before they actually accept that person. But God says..come as you are. You can't be perfect on your own or on your own strength. I sent my Son for you to accept by faith as your righteousness. Listen, the whole creation and evolution issue is something we don't have to fully understand. My point is..that that topic isn't the most important one. Personally, I don't care what you believe in terms of creation and evolution. I only care about if you accepted Jesus Christ. He's the only One that should matter.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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