Delusions....

[Maverik379]

I suffer from a few different delusions, they all came after I began to believe in Jesus.

I apologize for the long post, but I want to put this story out there.

When I was young I attended the Mormon church with my family. When i was 8 i was baptized. Then we quit going to church. I dont know if I ever did believe in Jesus, but in grade school Im sure i never thought of him and when i was in my teens I know i didn't believe in him.

When i was 18 i used to argue with believers in God. I thought they were dumb and silly.

I began a search for truth, it led me down many rabbit holes, and I researched all kinds of belief systems.

When I was 20, I was looking at things like shamanism and eastern philosophy, and I was at my grandfathers house one day. He had a book about Joseph Smith, the mormon "prophet".

I took it home and read it. Something happened to me. I came to believe in Jesus through it. I began praying every night, and the holy ghost must have taken over because i found myself crying all the time thinking about the younger me. It was magical. As a few weeks passed I became enveloped in this love. I dont have any way of describing it, i dont know if anyone else has felt this. It must've been like a hardcore drug. I was literally tripping and I was sober.

I began driving in my car at night, listening to the radio. I began to think it was speaking to me and my thoughts seemed to be speaking with God in some strange way.

One morning, after driving all night, i parked and watched the sunrise. My thoughts which seemed to be speaking with God, led me to think he was giving me an option. The option was to leave earth and let it burn, or stay. And i had a vision in my minds eye of the earth on fire. all of it. And i chose in my mind to stay.

I also thought that a certain girl i was talking to through an app on my phone was a soul mate. I know now that there is no such thing as a soul mate. I thought i had known her pre existence. Which i am sure now is not true. And actually its pretty much certain she wasnt even real. The girl in question was allegedly friends with a famous person, and somewhat famous herself.

That morning i went home, and told my parents that i thought i saved the world. They immediately grew very angry. more angry than i had ever seen them. they thought i was on mushrooms. they kicked me out of the house within ten seconds.

I went to my cousins house, and lived there for about month, before i decided to drive across many states to see this girl.

She didn't show. I lost my temper on her and said horrible things through the app. I drank a whole bottle of whiskey and lay in the backseat of my car, smoking a cigarette. Then a car pulled up next to mine. I was in my car because i didn't get a hotel, I had basically no money.

In the passenger seat of this car was a blonde girl. she was covering her face and not looking over. The driver of the car who was a bigger girl got out, and walked over to my car and looked at me. My car was filled with smoke. She began waving her arms and got back into the car and left.

Weeks later i was home at my parents house. The girl on the app said her parents called the cops and that she bribed them $20,000 to leave me alone.

Everyone I've ever talked to about this has told me that she wasnt real and that im crazy. which in all likelihood is the case. but the car that pulled up next to mine leaves me wondering. that was 4 years ago.

To this day I dont know if she was real or not.

another thing she said to me was that the police gave her something to track my phone.

Then one day i was at work. in training. a classroom. And i began to think that the things the teacher was saying, were related to things i was doing in my apartment. I thought that this girl or her family had wiretapped my phone. I showed up a few days more, still believing this was some sort of set up. At the end of one day that i was there the teacher said "maybe get a police subpoena because your girlfriend wiretapped your apartment." as im typing this im thinking more and more that she was real and that they did do this. I dont know.

This sent me into a tail spin. I never went back to work. I spent all my time alone in my apartment, becoming mad. I began to think there were cameras all over my apartment. In the mirrors, in the TV. And eventually i began to think that everyone in the world could read my mind.

This was about 3 and a half years ago. a little less.

To this day i struggle with these delusions

- that the girl was real
-that my phone is tapped and this girl or her family or her friends are watching me. screen mirroring on my phone. watching me through the camera. watching my lap top.
- at times thought broadcasting and receiving others thoughts.

The most debilitating is the being watched. I have found myself talking to my phone for hours. Ive thought this for over 3 years. It consumes almost all of my thoughts everyday. I dont know how to get rid of it. I haven't spoken to the profile in well over a year, maybe two years. I never got any closure. never found out if the girl was real. Its ruined my life and I can't get over this. I dont know if anyone can help. I pray a lot everyday, sometimes going outside to pray with words, sometimes writing prayers in notebooks. I dont pray inside for fear of them hearing through my phones microphone. I know its insane but I can't shake this. Maybe others can relate with these delusions, i dont know. If you read the whole thing cool. dont know how many will. Thanks for reading. Btw I dont attend the mormon church, i stick to people that preach from the bible.

 

[sdowney717]

Well, if your worried about being watched by a few on earth, read this.

Hebrews 12:1-3New King James Version (NKJV)
The Race of Faith
1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Discipline of God
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.

Surely if there exists a large amount of witnesses into our life, a few earthly witnesses should be less concerning?
I would suggest to forget about what is past, you can do nothing about it, lots of beings already witnessed all of it, whatever did or did not happen, and move on with God, who has a heavenly upward calling in Christ for His believers whom HE has laid hold of. I mean if God does not reject you, you are going to be ok.

Philippians 3:12-14New King James Version (NKJV)
Pressing Toward the Goal
12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.

13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,

14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

 

[LoveHisPresence]

I hope it's not too late to post a reply...
I have had worse delusions than what you are describing while in a 5 month long manic episode. I am female and was also homeless. Sleeping on the sidewalk many times. I thought I was the last good person on earth. So you can imagine the paranoia.
Do you take meds? If you do, and they have not helped, keep working with a doctor so that you find meds that help you. Nothing about my delusions lingered after being medicated. (I went off my meds for about 6 months before the delusions started). So I find it unusual that you are still thinking the same things.
Also, just to let you know, weird stuff just happens when your having delusions. I've also had things said or happened that thinking back can't figure out why they happened and if it was real. I think the enemy just messes with your mind when your in a state of delusion and anxiety. Also, our perception is all haywire when we are delusional so some things seem real and the anxiety just gives the enemy a hint that he can mess with us.
For example, I thought the county of Los Angeles was after me so when I would see a white van or car, for a millisecond it would look like it had the county emblem on it, or it would look black and white like a cop car, and it would make me mad cuz I thought they were messing with me, but really it was just my distorted perception.
I hope it helps to know someone can relate.
Keep looking for the right mental health team and medication.
Also, in my opinion, the girl from the app may have been real, but maybe the conversations were not. The bribe and the cameras don't sound likely.
God bless you.

 

[LaraLara]

The nature of your delusions point to shizoaffective illness as the sending and receiving of thoughts is a component of shizophrenia.

You do not need to be emberassed. All people who get psychotic are a bit emberassed on the content of the psychosis later.

However I find your idea of the burning earth amazing. It poses strong questions about how good we can understand reality and it is so interesting that a movie could be made of it.