deeper than i thought...

[bringingup4forHim]

my brother is a computer junkie (hacker) and came over to "scrub" my computer from all past images. i knew my dh used the computer for looking up pornography and i did not want the stuff on my computer. the thought of something being able to be pulled up by my children sickened me. turns out that my husband had been bipassing the anti pornography filter that was on the computer (he had me buy it and install it so that i would feel safe with him on it)! his plan worked! i had no idea it could be bipassed and he was allowed to do what he wanted. since january 14th, he has been looking up the deepest, vilest, stuff that i have ever seen. and i was not checking up on him because i felt safe. some of the stuff was illegal. all of it was perverted. hundreds and hundreds of images.... i am still in shock. i confronted him last night (over the phone, i am still worried about him physically lashing out) and he lied about it. the only reason he came somewhat clean is because i had the days and times and could describe the kind of stuff he looked up. he was looking stuff up at 3 in the afternoon on a sunday!!! while i was cleaning up from lunch and his son slept in the next room!! he felt so safe because i thought he could not get to it. i feel so used. he denied downloading a seperate browser to be able to do this, but i have every key stroke recorded. he told me that satan has me under his spell. that i am being decieved. he said he cannot change the past, that he is sorry, and i am doing wrong by leaving. he says my parents are from satan because they are enabling me to be here, without him. it is all my fault, once again. the past 10 years have been nothing but lies. i am filing for divorce tomorrow. he has a serrious problem.

 

[Manna]

I'm so sorry. I know that sounds lame at this point. I will definitely pray for you and your family. Please, PLEASE bathe yourself and your family in prayer. Seek God's Will in every aspect of all of this...He will let you know what He wants, and if you follow it, you'll be so thankful in the future!

Anna

 

[heartnsoul]

I am so sorry to hear what happened. Take this time to draw nearer to God. Pray hard and know that God will heal you. Surround yourself with people who love you to help get you through this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[bkg]

Here's a thought...



Pray for him.



bkg

 

[bringingup4forHim]

yes, bkg, i do daily. i have for 10 1/2 years and will not stop. we have 4 children together. he needs to change not just for himself, but for them. i pray God will deliver him from this...

 

[seekfirst]

my brother is a computer junkie (hacker) and came over to "scrub" my computer from all past images. i knew my dh used the computer for looking up pornography and i did not want the stuff on my computer. the thought of something being able to be pulled up by my children sickened me. turns out that my husband had been bipassing the anti pornography filter that was on the computer (he had me buy it and install it so that i would feel safe with him on it)! his plan worked! i had no idea it could be bipassed and he was allowed to do what he wanted. since january 14th, he has been looking up the deepest, vilest, stuff that i have ever seen. and i was not checking up on him because i felt safe. some of the stuff was illegal. all of it was perverted. hundreds and hundreds of images.... i am still in shock. i confronted him last night (over the phone, i am still worried about him physically lashing out) and he lied about it. the only reason he came somewhat clean is because i had the days and times and could describe the kind of stuff he looked up. he was looking stuff up at 3 in the afternoon on a sunday!!! while i was cleaning up from lunch and his son slept in the next room!! he felt so safe because i thought he could not get to it. i feel so used. he denied downloading a seperate browser to be able to do this, but i have every key stroke recorded. he told me that satan has me under his spell. that i am being decieved. he said he cannot change the past, that he is sorry, and i am doing wrong by leaving. he says my parents are from satan because they are enabling me to be here, without him. it is all my fault, once again. the past 10 years have been nothing but lies. i am filing for divorce tomorrow. he has a serrious problem.

I'm so sorry....big(((hugs))). I wish I could give you words of comfort. I do know God knows all that you are going through, and He knows the pain, hurt, and devestation you feel. My prayers are with you and your family. My heart aches for you, but I'm so thankful you have our Lord to lean on. God bless.

 

[E_Powers]

he told me that satan has me under his spell. that i am being decieved. he said he cannot change the past, that he is sorry, and i am doing wrong by leaving. he says my parents are from satan because they are enabling me to be here, without him. it is all my fault, once again. the past 10 years have been nothing but lies. i am filing for divorce tomorrow. he has a serrious problem.

i will pray for you. sounds like it is the other way around satan has him under his spell

 

[bkg]

yes, bkg, i do daily. i have for 10 1/2 years and will not stop. we have 4 children together. he needs to change not just for himself, but for them. i pray God will deliver him from this...

That's a good thing... That's a good thing.

As my ramblings so often are, this will seem crass...

Your note seemed very focused on the "bad" in your husband - what he has done wrong, what he has said that is bad. Is there anything positive about him that you can focus on?

When we get to these points in our relationships, we all seem to focus on the bad in the other person; how he/she wronged us, what he/she said, what he/she needs to change. While these things likely need not be ignored, they shouldn't define our beliefs about that person. It's when we stop seeing that person through the eyes of our Father and start listening to all the lies that the enemy tells us "he'll never change", "she doesn't really love you", "you're better off w/o her" that we all lose. Been there, done that - didn't even get the T-shirt.

It's also at these times that we are seemingly physically incapable of looking in the mirror and asking what we need to change about ourselves to be a better supporter, friend, lover to our spouses. Often times, I believe, the Lord puts us in these situations for our own growth.

I say this for two reasons: Pornography addiction is a horrendous thing. It kills a spirit, it makes the person feel worthless and unworthy of love from others, and even God. But it's not unforgivable or impossible to recover from. But it's not easy to recover from either, and mistakes/slip-ups will happen along the way. If he feels he is being viewed under a microscope for any hint of failure, he'll fail, and likely violently so. Like children, adults need to know they can make a mistake and still be loved/accepted by their spouses and family. Personally, I think children recover faster than adults do, though I have no emperical evidence to support that opinion.

I hope that you seek the Lord in this and listen not to your husbands words (if he is at all like me, they words are not reflective of his heart, but of the pain he is feeling and/or anger towards himself...), nor friends/family/clergy/internet goof-balls... Listen only to the words of God. This may all be happening for a reason that only He knows... and it may be to sharpen you, not just to bring your husband through this battle. The point being, try to look at all sides of this, not just his struggle or the current issue, if at all possible.

People here know that I have no belief in divorce at all, under *ANY* circumstance. If you feel that God wants you to leave, please consider legal separation rather than divorce. Also consider, if you haven't already, counseling for all parties involved. As Paul would say "these are my words, not the Lords"...

Keep praying for your husband to be delivered from this. Pray for your entire family to get through, if you can. And, pray that God will lead you down the path that He has chosen for you, and that you'll have the wisdom to know what that path is.

Blessings,
bkg

 

[bringingup4forHim]

bkg~ sometimes your posts frustrate me. but not this time. you are correct in your suggestions. i know i sound hurt. this is the first time in 10 1/2 years that i have allowed myself to be hurt. i have stayed for 10 1/2 years knowing of and trying to help him overcome his pornography addiction. i have always seen it as an addiction. a snare straight from satan. i have batteled it that way as well. in the beginning of the marriage, he physically hurt me (pulled out my hair, kicked me, chocked me, black eyes, etc). i left and filed an injuction. he went to counseling and the physical violence is gone. he is bipolar and will not take his meds. he feels that God will heal him. i have prayed for his deliverence from this for 10 1/2 years! while it's my choice to stay with him, i cannot deny the damage it is doing and will continue to do to our children. i am to be submisive, i am. he would not deny that. i have followed the bibles teachings on how a christian wife should act. now at first i did not. i yelled, cried, begged, you name it, i tried it. i then realized the pornography had nothing to do with me. i gave it to the Lord. i did put blocks on the phone, satalite, and computer. i had to protect out children from this stuff and our finances. one 200 phone bill was all it took! anyway, what i am saying is that i can choose to stay and submit myself to this. but i cannot do that to the kids. i don't want them growing up with divorced parents, but i honestly see no other way. both ways have their positives and negetives. i am not is search of greener grass. i am not naive. i have left being a stay at home mom for being a single parent, homeschooling 2 kids with one preschooler and one toddler. i am in school full time, managing the normal household stuff and trying to deal with all of our emotional pains. this is not the eaiser path, trust me. and the worst thing is that my walk with God is hurting. i have been abused for 10 1/2 years and prayed earnestly for deliverence. i believe God has thrown a life preserver to my husband many, many times but he has been to selfish to accept. and there i sat, forgiving, accepting, praying more. i truly belive God never intended us to be a sacrifice. Jesus did that for us. He was the last sacrifice. i don't want to sacrifice my children. and may i be so bold as to finally care about myself and say that i don't want to sacrifice myself either? deep inside me, i feel abandoned.

 

[bkg]

bkg~ sometimes your posts frustrate me.

Sorry about that. I know we all have different life experiences, and mine certainly come through in my posts. I certainly don't intent to cause strife for frustration... at least not all the time.

but not this time. you are correct in your suggestions. i know i sound hurt. this is the first time in 10 1/2 years that i have allowed myself to be hurt. i have stayed for 10 1/2 years knowing of and trying to help him overcome his pornography addiction. i have always seen it as an addiction. a snare straight from satan.

I agree with you in that it is a trap/snare, and it's horrible.

i have batteled it that way as well. in the beginning of the marriage, he physically hurt me (pulled out my hair, kicked me, chocked me, black eyes, etc). i left and filed an injuction. he went to counseling and the physical violence is gone. he is bipolar and will not take his meds. he feels that God will heal him. i have prayed for his deliverence from this for 10 1/2 years! while it's my choice to stay with him, i cannot deny the damage it is doing and will continue to do to our children. i am to be submisive, i am. he would not deny that. i have followed the bibles teachings on how a christian wife should act. now at first i did not. i yelled, cried, begged, you name it, i tried it. i then realized the pornography had nothing to do with me. i gave it to the Lord. i did put blocks on the phone, satalite, and computer. i had to protect out children from this stuff and our finances. one 200 phone bill was all it took! anyway, what i am saying is that i can choose to stay and submit myself to this. but i cannot do that to the kids. i don't want them growing up with divorced parents, but i honestly see no other way. both ways have their positives and negetives. i am not is search of greener grass. i am not naive. i have left being a stay at home mom for being a single parent, homeschooling 2 kids with one preschooler and one toddler. i am in school full time, managing the normal household stuff and trying to deal with all of our emotional pains. this is not the eaiser path, trust me. and the worst thing is that my walk with God is hurting. i have been abused for 10 1/2 years and prayed earnestly for deliverence. i believe God has thrown a life preserver to my husband many, many times but he has been to selfish to accept. and there i sat, forgiving, accepting, praying more. i truly belive God never intended us to be a sacrifice. Jesus did that for us. He was the last sacrifice. i don't want to sacrifice my children. and may i be so bold as to finally care about myself and say that i don't want to sacrifice myself either? deep inside me, i feel abandoned.

I have no idea how to respond to the rest of this, frankly. It's times like this that I wish I had some nugget of wisdom that would make things "all better", but I don't. Bi-Polar disorder is a horrible disease for both the person suffering and the people who care about him/her. I've seen/heard of the destruction that it leaves in it's path, and it's horrible. I'll just leave it at that...

I'm not a parent, so I cannot tell you what is best for your children. I simply don't know. Part of me wants to say that them seeing a miracle in your husband and in the marriage would be a wonderful thing, but the other part says "protect them". I simply have no answers.

The tone of your post is not so much one of hurt, in my opinion, but one of desparation. I don't view it as angry, spiteful, or even with an air of "I want something better". I don't know - I feel helpless to offer anything useful other than to say this: Divorce won't make it go away; not the pain, not his illness, not your relationship (you'll still have to be parents together, see each other, etc). I think that many people view divorce as a cure-all, which it's not, as you yourself illuded to.

If it comes down to a safety issue, my heart pleads for legal separation. The abandonment feelings I related to very much, and I know they slowly destroy a persons spirit from the inside out. I "abandoned" my wife in many ways, and her pain was intense. I can only imagine.

Whatever happens, as long as *YOU* have peace in knowing you have saught the Lord's Will and are walking that path, then you will be blessed. Like I say so often, even as I offer my own opinions on subjects, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else says... Only matters that you have peace with what you believe is the right thing to do.

Keep praying - Our God is a God who moves mountains. I pray He moves a mountain in your life and marriage!!!

bkg

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Pornography addiction is a horrendous thing.

But what if it goes beyond a terrible addiction? The OP stated there were illegal pornographic images on her computer as the result of his "websurfing". I'm assuming by "illegal" it could be anything from child porn, rape porn, beastiality, to snuff films. That goes beyond a porn addiction. That stems from something very very wrong and unsettling in a man's mind. Most men will be enticed and aroused by simple pornography, whether it's showing heterosexual or homo-erotic images; however, for a man to seek out perverted and disgusting images shows a deeper distrubance in his mentality. I know many men who will look at your run of the mill porn, but would vomit at the sight of a rape or child pornography sequence. And his bi-polar has nothing to do with it.

bkg, I know you don't have children so you probably don't understand the utmost importance of protecting your children. They are innocent in all of this, and did not ask to be born into the situation at hand. They need to be protected, above everything else. This poor woman has an obligation before God to protect her children above even her marriage, especially if he's viewing child pornography!

Bringing, my heart truly goes out to you. My ex-husband was abusive in all forms, an adulterer, and he was addicted to sleazy porn. I'll never forget how devestated I was the day I was cleaning the bathroom linen closet out and hidden in a nook above the top shelf was an enormous stack of teen porn magazines, Penthouse, Hustler, you name it, he had it. These magazines are almost $10 a piece and he had over twenty of them! I was furious, not only because he had porn in our house but that our lights and water had been cut off because he wouldn't let me work and had spent all of his money on porn. He also had beastiality and child pornography on our home PC. I was shocked. Praise God, we didn't have any children and I eventually left him.

I can't say what is right for your situation. I think you have taken the proper steps. You have removed yourself, and most importantly, your children from this environment. You have prayed for your husband. You have cleaned up the computer. Whether or not you stay married is between you and God. Seek God's will. I would continue to pray for his healing and maintain separated for the time being. Be careful not to set time limits, but instead wait for God's voice to guide you through this. And always remember, being a godly, submissive wife does not mean you are to completely sacrifice and compromise who you are and your morals and your happiness for a man who is unwilling to allow the Holy Spirit to control his life. It is not your duty to expose your children to his perverted "hobbies".

I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Please keep us posted.

 

[mghalpern]

Please forgive if I should be posting this elsewhere, but the number one issue of the OP seems to be the pornography addiction of her husband (and lack of trust). My heart breaks for those who suffer at the hands of the addicted, but I also mourn for those who are the addicted. I truly believe that we don't understand addiction and have very little compassion for those who suffer from an addiction. Recent studies have concluded that up to 65% of Christian men, 50% of Pastors, and almost 20% of Christian women view, or are addicted to pornography. This is the silent epidemic of today’s church. I have been guilty of my own pornographic addiction as well as smoking and drugs. I have also been on the receiving end of those who are/were addicted. Neither position is one to be envied. From what I read most often (on CF and elsewhere) though is that there is very little understanding, empathy, and compassion for the addicted. There is a difference between compassion and accepting/condoning a person’s behavior. Again, I feel we have created levels of sin we can and cannot live with and I guess this is between you and God. I am trying to choose to view all sin equally, so as to not compare my sin differently than someone else’s sin, especially against me. This became a debate in my life with my wife that her “little white lies” were normal…everyone does it. It looks like we could almost say the same thing about pornography. I plead with all who read this… Let’s be like Jesus and have love and compassion in our hearts for those who are broken…for those who are in pain…for those who live with addictions and sin in their life, not necessarily out of rebellion, but due to brokenness and pain. I hope my life will become more like His. Hate the sin, but love the sinner. May we all become more and more like Jesus every day…Michael

 

[heartnsoul]

But what if it goes beyond a terrible addiction? The OP stated there were illegal pornographic images on her computer as the result of his "websurfing". I'm assuming by "illegal" it could be anything from child porn, rape porn, beastiality, to snuff films. That goes beyond a porn addiction. That stems from something very very wrong and unsettling in a man's mind. Most men will be enticed and aroused by simple pornography, whether it's showing heterosexual or homo-erotic images; however, for a man to seek out perverted and disgusting images shows a deeper distrubance in his mentality. I know many men who will look at your run of the mill porn, but would vomit at the sight of a rape or child pornography sequence. And his bi-polar has nothing to do with it.

bkg, I know you don't have children so you probably don't understand the utmost importance of protecting your children. They are innocent in all of this, and did not ask to be born into the situation at hand. They need to be protected, above everything else. This poor woman has an obligation before God to protect her children above even her marriage, especially if he's viewing child pornography!

Bringing, my heart truly goes out to you. My ex-husband was abusive in all forms, an adulterer, and he was addicted to sleazy porn. I'll never forget how devestated I was the day I was cleaning the bathroom linen closet out and hidden in a nook above the top shelf was an enormous stack of teen porn magazines, Penthouse, Hustler, you name it, he had it. These magazines are almost $10 a piece and he had over twenty of them! I was furious, not only because he had porn in our house but that our lights and water had been cut off because he wouldn't let me work and had spent all of his money on porn. He also had beastiality and child pornography on our home PC. I was shocked. Praise God, we didn't have any children and I eventually left him.

I can't say what is right for your situation. I think you have taken the proper steps. You have removed yourself, and most importantly, your children from this environment. You have prayed for your husband. You have cleaned up the computer. Whether or not you stay married is between you and God. Seek God's will. I would continue to pray for his healing and maintain separated for the time being. Be careful not to set time limits, but instead wait for God's voice to guide you through this. And always remember, being a godly, submissive wife does not mean you are to completely sacrifice and compromise who you are and your morals and your happiness for a man who is unwilling to allow the Holy Spirit to control his life. It is not your duty to expose your children to his perverted "hobbies".

I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Please keep us posted.

EXCELLENT POST!! Very well said. I believe divorce is justified in certain situations. I believe in a God who wants the BEST for His children. In my opinion, we are not meant to be doormats for people to step on, dirty their feet on and walk all over us on. Protecting your children from your husband who has a horrible pornographic addiction is wise. Thank God for wisdom! AMEN! I have a lot of compassion for you because I know it must be very painful for the last 10 years of hell that you have been living with. It takes a lot of courage and strength and selfless love to do the right thing for your children and for yourself. I believe God will be with you every step of the way and bless you for honoring and protecting your children. I believe that's part of the problem with this world. Too many liberals are corrupting the minds of the innocent by spoiling children, letting murders out of jail too early, and spend years negotiating with evil and hoping God will intervene some way, somehow. Well, the bible makes it clear to AVOID EVIL. There are no ifs, ands or buts about that. Too many of us are misled thinking that we can negotiate and reason with evil. In some situations, maybe--but unless a pastor who has the ability to perform exorcisms is right beside us to fight evil, I think it is WISE that we all learn to denounce and avoid evil in our lives.

Now with all the above said, let me say that as children of God and as humans, we do need a spirit of love, compassion, humility and forgiveness. But let's not confuse the idea of loving the sinner but hating the sin. Sure, we can try to sympathize for the "addicted" person, but whoever said we have to live/marry that person and subject that destructiveness to our children? The God I know would not wish that upon any of His children. Granted, there are always issues that both husbands and wives need to work on. Sin may be viewed as all being equal in God's eyes (although we cannot all be sure of that), but the *consequences* are NOT all equal. I believe the consequences of pornographic addiction is MORE DESTRUCTIVE to a marriage than telling a white lie (i.e. I weigh 100 pounds instead of telling the truth of weighing 95 pounds).

Let's all please try to encourage the BEST for each other. Life is too short and too *good* to think we need to settle for anything less than the best. My heart goes out to you. I know God will be there to heal you and your children. I also sincerely hope your husband gets some serious help and may God help him heal too. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Yitzchak]

Your husband saying things like your parents are from satan because they helped you in seperating from him is wrong but if he succeeds in getting real help with his problem, he will apologise later and thank you for having courage in a tough situation. I would not focus too much on that sort of thing because at this point he is like any addict and will say whatever he thinks will help him avoid facing the tough stuff.

You made the right decision to seperate. What he does with the seperation will effect whether or not divorce is the best option or not. I would not be satisfied with anything less than some real accountability for your husband from a third party who is trained to handle these types of situations. It is way beyond the stage of protecting reputation or being able to handle it just between the two of you.

I will pray for you. I hope that even this can somehow be turned around. I have to be honest though. I would have a hard time trusting again if my spouse did what yours has. I am not sure what else to say because there are no easy answers to your situation.

 

[bringingup4forHim]

yitzchak~ thank you. God spoke through your message to me. just yesterday, i found myself trying to make him understand what i feel. he told me to stop trying to "control" his thoughts. that i am always trying to make him agree with me. i never have done that, rather i have tried to make him see what he is doing and what it is doing to us (kids included). when you said, "at this point he is like any addict and will say whatever he thinks will help him avoid facing the tough stuff" you hit the nail on the head!!! that is what our whole marriage has been like. i cannot trust him. he has not taken responsibility for anything. i claim my wrong doing. i married for the wrong reasons, stayed too long, justified his abuse, and chose to carry it all as "my cross to bear". i am willing to take those and walk with them. they are mine. nothing is his fault. he may say it is, but there is always a however following his admission. i pray one day soon he will see what he is, a true addict and totally trapped in a sinful lifestyle and repent. he has 4 children that need him.

 

[Yitzchak]

yitzchak~ thank you. God spoke through your message to me. just yesterday, i found myself trying to make him understand what i feel. he told me to stop trying to "control" his thoughts. that i am always trying to make him agree with me. i never have done that, rather i have tried to make him see what he is doing and what it is doing to us (kids included). when you said, "at this point he is like any addict and will say whatever he thinks will help him avoid facing the tough stuff" you hit the nail on the head!!! that is what our whole marriage has been like. i cannot trust him. he has not taken responsibility for anything. i claim my wrong doing. i married for the wrong reasons, stayed too long, justified his abuse, and chose to carry it all as "my cross to bear". i am willing to take those and walk with them. they are mine. nothing is his fault. he may say it is, but there is always a however following his admission. i pray one day soon he will see what he is, a true addict and totally trapped in a sinful lifestyle and repent. he has 4 children that need him.

You're welcome. really do believe that at this point , your husband can't help himself because he is caught in that addiction. He needs to submit himself to a third party. I don't know if the teen challange , david wilkerson ministry works with these type of addictions or if there is another ministry. But I would insist on him getting a compotent counselor or program that gives him real help and holds him accountable. Short of that, you cannot trust him because at this point he cannot even trust himself.

 

[bringingup4forHim]

he often says he doesn't even know himself. he cannot promise he will not hurt me (emotionally or physically). that something just comes over him. he then comes too and cannot believe what he has done. possesion? i don't know. all i know is that it terrifies me. he did call the pastor and a few other men from church at first. but now his stance is that he cannot change the past, that he can only go from here. he is being sucked in again. how terribly sad and horribly terrifing. the bible says to flee evil...