DECEIVED BEFORE MARRIAGE

[whatnow]

I think he thinks that what he feels is best, is also best for me too. It's like he doesn't see me as an individual person. With individual needs and wants. He thinks that because he wants something, that I will want the same thing. Or, let's just say, he acts this way. He acts or plays dumb sometimes. Like he doesn't realize that he's doing something.

But, I don't believe him anymore. See, he has Type II Diabetes. Now, anyone knows that if you have Diabetes, you have to limit your sugar intake. I find a box of salt water taffy in his car (half eaten). I say, you are not allowed to eat this, it's pure sugar. He says, "oh, is there sugar in that?" Ahhh Dahhhhhhh

Sometimes, I think he's so deceived himself. Basically, I don't know what the problem with him is. All I know is that I have told him many, many times that I feel invisible. He has asked me (everytime) to explain what I mean. I have taken hours to explain it. We finish our discussion and I think "finally, I have gotten through to him" and a week later, I'm invisible again.

 

[Risen Tree]

I think he thinks that what he feels is best, is also best for me too. It's like he doesn't see me as an individual person. With individual needs and wants. He thinks that because he wants something, that I will want the same thing. Or, let's just say, he acts this way. He acts or plays dumb sometimes. Like he doesn't realize that he's doing something.

Aaahh. He thinks that because you like it, he likes it. He thinks that because it turns him on, it turns you on.

I hate it when people resort to stereotypes in order to deal with others. Bad things happen, you know.

But, I don't believe him anymore. See, he has Type II Diabetes. Now, anyone knows that if you have Diabetes, you have to limit your sugar intake. I find a box of salt water taffy in his car (half eaten). I say, you are not allowed to eat this, it's pure sugar. He says, "oh, is there sugar in that?" Ahhh Dahhhhhhh

Sometimes, I think he's so deceived himself. Basically, I don't know what the problem with him is. All I know is that I have told him many, many times that I feel invisible. He has asked me (everytime) to explain what I mean. I have taken hours to explain it. We finish our discussion and I think "finally, I have gotten through to him" and a week later, I'm invisible again.

My gosh, the guy's a habitual liar. whatnow, you are really in a fix here.

Do seek some counseling, especially if you haven't done so already. According to what you've told us, you definitely have a case here.

This is my last post for awhile--I have to get back to work--so I'll leave you with some blessings and prayers.

 

[whatnow]

Thank you sooooo much. I appreciate your prayers very, very much.

 

[wonder111]

I agree with Rising Tree, counselling would be important. It will help you realize where some changes can be made. Also, if you take your focus off the problem and put your faith in God, somehow the problems seem to work out in ways you would never imagine.

anyways, rising tree reminded me I have to work too?

much love!!!!!

 

[whatnow]

I do feel much better just talking to you. I know counseling would be best. Counseling can never hurt, that's for sure. This has helped me greatly, too.

Thank you sooooo much.

 

[ceres]

Hello, it was definitely very wrong for him to lie to you. Between that and the lack of sex and you live in a different bedroom and everything, it sounds more like a bad roommate than a husband. How do your kids feel about this? Do your kids think you should leave, or do they view him as their dad, or how does that go? It is always sad to see a marriage go down. This is what I would do, but I am far from perfect. I would talk to him about getting marriage counseling. They will help you guys communicate and also help you express your need for sex and his need to do something about it. Hopefully counseling would help you guys. If he is not interested in working on things, I would consider your weight in this marriage. If your kids don't view him as dad, if you think the damage would be minimal, I would move out into an apartment. Basically.... I have to think that getting out of this marriage is less of a heartbreak to God than staying in one with so much pain and no action... I understand some of your issues even though mine are much different, I am having marriage problems also. My husband also doesn't deal with problems and right now is refusing to go to counseling. love ya

 

[whatnow]

He's definately not "dad" to my kids. If I leave a room where he is, my kids will leave the room also. They don't really like him too much. He hardly even acknowledges that they are there. Except, if he wants them to do something. But, I do have to be fair, he does speak to them occasionally. But, for the most part, he doesn't say anything to them.

I am kind of stuck here, actually. We filed a chapter 13 (I think it's called) Bankruptcy. It isn't a finished bankruptcy and won't be finished until 2 more years. My husband has to make payments. Then it will be closed when all the bills are paid up. But, until then, no landlord will rent to me, because, I can still include stuff in the Bankruptcy. So, I could (technically) include non-paid rent.

That's why I said that I felt that God was making me stay here. Because, I lost my own home, gave away most ofl my possesions inside the home (because my husband had everything here), and can't even save money, no matter how hard I try. It's like I am being pinned down here.

 

[ceres]

He's definately not "dad" to my kids. If I leave a room where he is, my kids will leave the room also. They don't really like him too much. He hardly even acknowledges that they are there. Except, if he wants them to do something. But, I do have to be fair, he does speak to them occasionally. But, for the most part, he doesn't say anything to them.

I am kind of stuck here, actually. We filed a chapter 13 (I think it's called) Bankruptcy. It isn't a finished bankruptcy and won't be finished until 2 more years. My husband has to make payments. Then it will be closed when all the bills are paid up. But, until then, no landlord will rent to me, because, I can still include stuff in the Bankruptcy. So, I could (technically) include non-paid rent.

That's why I said that I felt that God was making me stay here. Because, I lost my own home, gave away most ofl my possesions inside the home (because my husband had everything here), and can't even save money, no matter how hard I try. It's like I am being pinned down here.

Oh man oh man, sorry for that. Two years is a long time to stay if things don't get better. Have you suggested counseling yet? There are some places that will do it for free, call a few churches and tell them about your financial situation. I guess if you feel you can stay and deal with it that's good, but I think I would go crazy. I would be looking for someone else to stay with even if it is just for a while..... hoping that your husband would suddenly say 'wait, she's serious, she really does want change!"

 

[momluvsjesus]

I have to say that I will definitely be praying for you. I'm a little disappointed in the responses you've received thus far. Based on what I'm hearing, it sounds like (if I wansn't a Christian and didn't know better) that the God we serve can only do "so much" and then we have to take over. Bankruptcy and diabetes are teeny tiny problems for God to fix. The God we serve can do "exceedingly and abundantly beyond anything we can think or imagine." If He can raise the dead, he can surely restore your marriage. All he asks is that we put our faith in Him and be obedient to Him. This starts with knowing who He is. The only way to be intimate with Him is to spend time with Him...alone as well as with other believers (when two or more are gathered in His name...) How often are you studying The Word? How often are you worshipping Him? All of these things are important to your marriage being healed. God sometimes allows us to go through things so that it will strengthen our relationship with Him. He always wants to be our #1 priority and sometimes it takes chaos to humble us and make us realize that only in our weakness is His strength made perfect.
I've been in a similar situation and my advice to you would be to go buy the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and buy the workbook too. Then, start praying for God to rebuild your marriage and ask Him to start with y-o-u! You can't always wait around for others to change. God will change them in His timing, not ours. But what you can focus on is letting God change you, so that you can become more of the wife God expects you to be. Because when it's all said and done, and you face God, you won't be able to blame any of your actions on someone else. So, make sure you're a Proverbs 31 woman before you start trying to change your husband. I guarantee you, God will show you so many things about yourself that will drastically improve your marriage.
I'm telling you these things in love, and I pray that you receive them in that way. I want to see you have a successful marriage so that you can be a blessing to the Body of Christ, and can go forth and live the life Jesus died for you to live!

 

[blitzn]

I do feel much better just talking to you. I know counseling would be best. Counseling can never hurt, that's for sure. This has helped me greatly, too.

Thank you sooooo much.

Be very careful! The wrong counseling CAN hurt. Choose wisely, and at the direction of the Holy Spirit. IMO, if you both are Christian and are saved, seek a Christian counselor and be sure to interview this person first before submitting to their counsel. I have personal experience in this area and it hasn't been good unfortunately. Remember though, God can and does make the impossible possible...

- blitzn

 

[Risen Tree]

I do feel much better just talking to you. I know counseling would be best. Counseling can never hurt, that's for sure. This has helped me greatly, too.

Thank you sooooo much.

You're welcome. Let us in on anything else if you need to.

 

[E-beth]

O Man!

I think I was married to that guy once too. It so so SO like my ex-husband that it is scarey.

My ex also had Type II, didn't like to be clean, and had sexual problems. My ex, tho, could only perform for professionals, and not so much for his loving wife. He was a sex addict and didn't tell me until after 7 years of marriage. I didn't know any better and I just thought sex was overrated.

I also was wound so tightly in debt that I thought it would take a hundred years to climb out-- all thanks to him. He even took a third mortgage on our house and I didn't know about it. Stupid me.

As for God's plan, it is entirely possible that He is leading you to stay. I also looked for signs and prayed fro answers about whether to stay or go. Then I got my answer--he filed for divorce from me!

I left him the house and all the debt associated with it. I lived paycheck-to-paycheck and wandered if I would starve to death and die single and forsaken. But instead I learned what I am willing to talke and what I won't take as far as the way people treat me. And I learned to depend on God to get me through anything. My post-divorce time was, in restrospect, a great time for me. I made tons of mistakes, learned to lean on God and not men, and I learned that I am OK on my own. Then He blessed me with a new husband and father to my child. Now I look back and wonder why I waited so long in suffering to take control of my life.

I am not suggesting you divorce him. But maybe some sort of separation would help. If he doesn't care that you want him to leave, then you know where he stands. If he cares enough to straighten up his act, then you will know it is worth fighting for.

 

[JillLars]

whatnow-

What church did you get married in? I don't think that a valid marriage to this man ever took place. The marriage was based on deception and lies, and I can't imagine God blessing a union that you entered with those lies. I don't think that you should be blaming yourself, and I don't think you should see this as God's way of making you stay with your husband. Do you have family that you could stay with? Counselling is a good idea, but it sounds like this guy is very unwilling to change. I know divorce sounds harsh, but I don't think that God would want you to remain in such an awful situation, nor would he want your kids to remain in that situation. I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[YouthPastor]

In most states a marriage can be annuled if it involved "deception" - which yours did. Most states even mentione that deception/fraud includes being impotent and not inofrming the other spouse.

BUT, The problem is - is that you STAYED after you found out. This is what may make an annulment imppossible. Some states include in their deception/fraud clauses for annulment that once the unknowing spouce finds out - there is only a certain amount of time where the the annulment can be innitiated before it is considered that alll is "forgiven".

You would need to check with a divorce attorney.

Depending on the denomination you are with - some do also have a "eclesiastical anullment" - while not "legal" but what it does is it says that the marriage is annulled "from the church's point of view"

alot of denominations are starting to ahve these - alot of times it is more for people seeking ministrerial credentials with the denomination - but if you wanted your "spiritual authority"'s decsion - it maybe something to check into.

 

[search1ng]

I'm praying for you!

I agree with momluvsjesus -- get "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It has helped me (and my hubby) out a LOT. God can take anything and make it wonderful and we must be careful not to limit Him.

And I don't understand why so many people are so quick to advocate divorce. The only reason the Bible gives for divorce is infidelity; I think that's more important than any state's deception clauses or whatnot. I know that it hurts to have to live with deception. My husband also deceived me before marriage and sometimes I question if I would have still married him if I had known. But if you and your husband divorce, I don't think it would be acceptable in the eyes of God. I don't say this to be insensitive or mean (goodness knows I've gotten beaten over the head in here myself); it's just what I see as the truth.

God can move mountains

Love from your sister in Christ

 

[search1ng]

I just found this verse today and have to share it with everyone:

"For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it comes or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to his compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means to escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently."

1 Corinthians 10:13 (Amplified version)

God doesn't want to take us out of our trials, He wants to give us the power to bear the trials patiently. Isn't it great that God will never let us be in a situation that we can't handle? (Sorry I'm just a little excited as this verse speaks to my life in a big way.)

God bless!

 

[CSMR]

I think I agree with JilllLars. Out of love you might stay or leave. But you don't sin either way. The traditional understanding would be that your marriage is not a marriage in the eyes of God, so you are not bound to it by God. But I'll pray that you'll have the strength to bear with your trouble and may find a way out; and for your husband and children.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

THere's a difference between tempation and trials. I don't think that verse applies in the case of trials.

I think God does give us trials that we can't handle. If we could handle them, then what's the point of God?

I'm not married, I don't know what you're going through. Bu I believe that God wants you to totally depend on him. That's what He may be preparing for you right now, getting you to TOTALLY depend on Him. I have college paid for fully by financial aid. I got a entire new wardrobe for college, which has a dress code. God provides when we just let Him! So let Him provide for you!

 

[chris320]

He was kind and caring. He seemed to me to be unlike any other man I had ever met. Boy was I deceived. We were dating and going to church together and the pastor told us to get married before we slipped and had sex. You know, at that point, he should have told me that it was impossible for that to happen. He also was going to a Bible Study with me and one of the older woman there told me that she thought that he was a good man. We both prayed about it. I felt that God was leading me to marry him, so, I took the plunge. I was scared to do it, though.

If he is incapable of having sex, then the marriage has never been consumated. You should be able to get it legally anulled.

-Chris320