Dealing with temptation

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I admit it - I had a sexual addiction for a long time, and have worked on it again and again until it basically disappeared.

Anyway, I'm in a long-term relationship now, not having sex, but it doesn't make the urge go away either, despite our determinations.

For those of you who have had sex, and have now quit, what have you put in place to prevent yourselves going back into a sexual relationship before marriage? I've done all the determinations in my mind, as has my boyfriend, but some days, it's really hard to stick to it when you get that 'urge'. We haven't given it at all, but I'm really frustrated at the moment, and want to make sure that I'm doing the right things.

Any advice (apart from staying away from each other - my poor bf thinks he's done something wrong cos I'm not hanging around him today all that much)? Just trying to see if there's anything else I can do to combat it. First step - confess to friends (ie some of you) that I'm struggling at the moment, and need some support!

I've really been getting into my Bible this weekend to combat it, but it's always there, and I can feel myself tiring, as much as I hate to admit it.

Sasch

 

[Silver Speak]

Can't really offer you any advice but I'll pray for you guys.

 

[Cright]

I'm not saying don't be around him.. but if you are home alone, do something outside or invite someone else over w/ you.
Go window shopping, for a walk, to Barnes & Noble and hang out w/ a couple good books and some coffee... stay busy!

I'd love to hear other's thoughts too as so many (most) of us experience this form of temptation.

 

[TheListener]

We (me & fiance) recently introduced some new 'rules' to stick to.

- No long-hugs, no kisses other than a peck on the cheek or a quick peck on the lips.
- No sitting waaay too close watching a movie
- Respect each other, try not to be the one instigating something causing the other to be tempted (thats a good one)
- If the temptation is there and not going away, then simply remove yourself from the situation, go and do something else etc.
- Pray for each other and openly talk about it, we are both human and we both are on the same boat resisting temptation. With not much luck so far, mind you...

I'd be interested in hearing any more advice too.

 

[Maeyken]

TheListener- I like those rules you've got, esp. #3. I think it's so important to respect one another and work together to avoid temptation. My bf and I have some rules too, but yours sound better than what we've got! Our rules have not been working too well lately but good rules is a good start!

Also, I think the more we talk about it, the better it is (like your rule #5). When we talk about it, we are recognizing that this is something we really need to pay attention too. If we just sort of ignore it, and not talk about it, things can go way farther than we intended without really noticing. (or wanting to notice)

I think for me, it's hard to know what's acceptable, because there are so many extreme views out there. I'm completely amazed by those people who don't even kiss before they're engaged (or even married!) I think I'd miss it so much! But then again, it might be a good thing, cuz it would be one more step away from temptation...

The one thing that sometimes helps me is to think about how much more special it will be if we save the tempting behaviours for after marriage. In the grand scheme of things, the time spent dating and engaged is really not all that long, whereas marriage lasts a lifetime. But that is not usually going through my head when I'm with my bf... so it is not too effective, unfortunately. But it is a good thought!

 

[silentpoet]

The Bible says to submit to God, resist temptation and the Devil will flee. I know it is easier said than done. The others have given good ideas. What I would suggest is to determine what situations make you more vulnerable to temptation and then not get in those situations. There are rules you can make, but you have to determine what works for you. WHile making these plans, pray for guidance and wisdom.

 

[Cray]

Just have sex. I don't understand why you wouldn't in a long term relationship?

 

[Silver Speak]

Just have sex. I don't understand why you wouldn't in a long term relationship?

Gee, I don't know... Maybe because the Bible clearly states it's wrong before marriage and they may not end up marrying anyway (not trying to be a downer) + one hundred other reasons that can be found in several threads in this forum.

 

[tinkerbell]

I'm not saying don't be around him.. but if you are home alone, do something outside or invite someone else over w/ you.
Go window shopping, for a walk, to Barnes & Noble and hang out w/ a couple good books and some coffee... stay busy!

I think this is a good idea. My boyfriend and I are both in college, so we are mostly in the dorms, and there aren't a lot of situations where things could get out of hand. However, his house is within walking distance of the college. We have made a rule that if his parents, or other family members aren't at his house, we don't go in. We will either go somewhere else, or call some friends and see if they want to join us.

If we are in a situation that makes one of us feel a little to "serious" (for lack of a better word) we will get up and walk, or go somewhere else, or move around, or something. The way that we define "seriousness" is if the situation is causing either one of us to have lustful thoughts. I don't know if that helps, but that's what we do.

 

[Cray]

Marrage is not like it used too be in the times when the bible was written, neither are customs or traditions.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

True Cray,

I do understand that some people don't follow that 'no sex before marriage rule', even Christians, due to beliefs about what constitutes a marriage in God's eyes, and beliefs about it being a committed, long-term, permanent relationship, etc.

For me, sex in a relationship that doesn't have the marriage blessing on it is wrong. I've noticed that when I have had sex, I shut down from my partner. I tend to instigate affection, rather than communicate any problems that I'm having. I tend to start thinking that to keep a guy, I need to give him whatever he wants, sex included. I stop arguments, through sex. Basically, sex and me are not a good combination right now, in a relationship

So, I've decided to hold off. I believe it is Biblically wrong, however my main reasons for holding off are based on how having sex involved in a relationship has affected me in the past, which proves to me that God is right asking people to wait until they are in a married relationship. I value this relationship so much, and believe we ARE going to be married some day, so I am willing to wait and develop our communication skills and behaviours BEFORE implementing sex. It's not like it's going to be a long time before I can instigate a sexual relationship, in the scheme of things (ie, it may be 4 years before I get married, but I'll probably be married for upwards of 40 years, God willing - so 4 years is nothing!)

That's my reasons anyway. Doesn't mean we don't TALK about sex, and how it will affect our relationship, and all of that (as serious couples SHOULD be doing, IMHO), just means that we understand jointly the risks of introducing it before the wedding day.

Sasch

 

[tinkerbell]

Sascha Fitzpatrick,

I applaude you for yo ur strength, and the way you are looking at this situation. The conclusions that you have come to are sometimes hard to reach. I am just amazed at your ability to see what is best for you in the big picture rather than the right now! Keep up the strength! I will be praying for you! I know God has blessed you already by giving you the ability to see the truths that you have, and I know He will continue to bless you with strength, wisdom and purity!

God Bless!
Tink

 

[TheListener]

Good points Sascha.

 

[SoulFly51]

I admit it - I had a sexual addiction for a long time, and have worked on it again and again until it basically disappeared.

Anyway, I'm in a long-term relationship now, not having sex, but it doesn't make the urge go away either, despite our determinations.

For those of you who have had sex, and have now quit, what have you put in place to prevent yourselves going back into a sexual relationship before marriage?

I'm in the same situation you are in. My girlfreind and I are Christians, but before we turned our lives over to God we both lived very immoral and worldly lives.

We have the same urges you have and we combat them a few different ways. First of all - we don't make out. A kiss here and there is ok, but we are very attracted to each other and a large amount of passionate kissing between us will only lead to one thing.

Secondly, if it is just the two of us we never really go anywhere where anything can happen. We spend time together in public places and if we need to have a private conversation with no one else around we normally do so over the phone.

We talk about God quite a bit too and try to keep ourselves focused on Him and what He wants instead of what we want - that is the most important thing in our relationship and it should be in anyone elses for that matter.

I know some of this advice probably sounds cheesy but so far it has really worked for us and we have kept ourselves pure and I expect we will continue to do so.

 

[SoulFly51]

Marrage is not like it used too be in the times when the bible was written, neither are customs or traditions.

But the commands are still the same as they used to be, and I hear hell is still the same nowadays as it was back then.

 

[Condemnation]

But the commands are still the same as they used to be, and I hear hell is still the same nowadays as it was back then.

the perennial threat! I "hear" that hell you'll BURN IN HELL if you have sex.

I suppose, for that matter, women shouldn't speak in church, should be submissive to their husbands in all things, etc. cause, you know, everything is always the same everywhere everytime.

I think that the "marriage seal" isn't made by vows, it's either there or not in the hearts of those involved. I think this sort of pact is more in line with what Jesus said about vows on the sermon on the mount.

 

[Selfdestruct264]

For me, sex in a relationship that doesn't have the marriage blessing on it is wrong. I've noticed that when I have had sex, I shut down from my partner. I tend to instigate affection, rather than communicate any problems that I'm having. I tend to start thinking that to keep a guy, I need to give him whatever he wants, sex included. I stop arguments, through sex. Basically, sex and me are not a good combination right now, in a relationship
Sasch

Sascha, I think it is natural for us to feel betrayed by the worlds view of sex and how it REALLY is outside of Marriage. Marriage is the uniting of two into one. God has courted us and in the same sense that we are to be born again and become one with our Father as he lives in us (as our groom), marrying the person you have been provided by God is absoloutely the same. There are hundreds of other reasons to support abstinence outside of marriage, but it really only takes one, and that is to realize that the uniting of the flesh of two into one, requires commitment, love, and a true understanding of what Marriage is. We really cannot even believe in the concept of Marriage unless we believe that God created it and commanded us to use it according to his rules. It sounds religious, but really, the growth of a relationship beyond it's commitment (i.e.- sexual interactions before marriage) can cause a perfectly happy couple to destroy their relationship. I've been there, and I've seen the aftermath in many friends. I am really glad that you have many of the falsities of this world figured out already. My girlfriend and I have had amazing attacks diverted by talking through and understanding the influences of our past and the world on our relationship. Keep at it - God is Always Faithful to His Word!
-Scott

 

[Sketcher]

I think that the "marriage seal" isn't made by vows, it's either there or not in the hearts of those involved. I think this sort of pact is more in line with what Jesus said about vows on the sermon on the mount.

But if it's there, in your hearts, why not make the vows. Is there any good reason not to get married and take those vows before God if you're really in love?

Marrage is not like it used too be in the times when the bible was written, neither are customs or traditions.

With the divorce rates these days, maybe marraige SHOULD be like the way it was in Biblical times.

 

[Cright]

Just because society has changed doesn't mean that God or his commands have.

My $.02

Carina

 

[Johnnz]

Sascha,
My post did not appear - got lost somewhere. Basically what I said was that our sex drive does not have an off switch. Sexual urges don't go away by willpower or until marriage. Once they have been awakened by sexual activity they are even more resistant to fading away.

Your principles are great. It will not be easy holding out for 4 years, but you are right - marriage is meant to last for a long time.

Paul is often wrongly maligned. He was so very realistic when he wrote that the best solution to sexual urgres is to get married. Our society makes that much more difficult to carry out, sadly. Thus Christians with values need resources of character and grace.

John
NZ