Dealing with PMDD Wife

[missionaryfilmmaker]

Autumnleaf please refrain from comment. You obviously have your own issues. Don't presume to know what my experience is. First walk a mile in my shoes. Also I'd encourage you to deal with your own hurts rather than attacking others, as hurt people hurt people. Perhaps you're also a woman who is abusive towards men and don't want to admit it hence you're attacking me to turn attention away from your own pathology?

I am seeking Godly resolution in my marriage. I don't have money to separate, I don't have anywhere to turn, there are no shelters for abused husbands. Men, unlike women do not have support centers to go to, and are usually treated as if they're at fault, oftentimes afraid to call police on the abuser for fear the woman will make false accusations of abuse.

God hates divorce, he also hates people who cover themselves with violence. I need a support network of Godly people who can help me find my way with God. To stand firm in the storm. I am not a quitter and will not take the easy way out. Yes, the road will be hard but it is better than the alternative!!!!!!

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

I also have called the police on her before and if I call again she will be arrested and thrown in jail for assault. This is not the most loving course of action as we have immigration matters to consider for our future and our future children.

I am a dual citizen and will be a tri citizen soon. My wife is from a 4th country. She has already immigrated to my birth country and we will be finally moving back to the USA in coming years. She also works in health care and having a criminal record would destroy her career.

If our marriage is to be restored I'm certainly not going to cause her harm and would also ultimately harm me and my future kids financially. I am going to do the most loving thing possible under Gods leadership. If I do separate I will have no other choice than return home to the USA, which would destroy all chance of reconciliation.

 

[ValleyGal]

Missionary, I had asked a question earlier that I think is fairly important. Does she treat everyone like this during PMDD, or is it just you?

Now I have another question as well, after thinking about your situation. You are a missionary, yes? Does your church and your community know about the abuse? Maybe there is another woman who is able to work with your wife and help her to understand the necessity of taking meds and learning self control during her time. Additionally, it is very important for you to consider what your community knows and sees - and what the message is that it sends them. Iow, do they see a henpecked man who allows himself to get beaten up and is this representative of the faith that you are trying to share with them?

This part... you may not be at this point yet, but here is a bit of [not-so-good] news that you likely already know... sometimes people will not seek help until the consequences of continuing the behaviour are worse or more uncomfortable than the treatment/recovery/healing it requires to overcome. Your wife refuses to take meds because she is quite comfortable with being able to act out and have no unpleasant consequences for it because she can get away with it. She will need to experience consequences - very unpleasant ones - so that remaining in her "sin" becomes unbearable for her. That may end up costing you a lot - like your immigration rights, your marriage, her career, etc. Only when she understands the extent of the damage she is causing, will she perhaps seek help - and even then, she might not because it might just be easier for her to continue or find new ways of coping with all her losses.

No matter which way you look at it, this situation is going to be very painful for you and it will have to become painful for her as well - if you want her to get to that tipping point of being so broken by her own behaviour that the consequences finally drive her to seek help and stop playing the victim.

Truly, this is a hard situation for you, and I am sorry you suffer for it.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

She does it to me, and her sisters.

I don't allow it, I have consistently stood up to it, I've shared with friends, pastors, missionary friends and the list goes on. No one takes it seriously and they all want to see the marriage restored.

I don't allow myself to be beaten up. I stand up to her and speak truth and love. Yes I am taking blows and yes she attempts to keep me cut off from seeking help.

No I am not going to cut off my nose to spite my face. I am not going to cut off my future and business operations in the United States. I am also not going to cut both of us off from significant income. Ive invested tens of thousands of dollars into her education as a nurse and her family is in a 3rd world country and it's important in her culture to help her family and sisters. Her father is a drunk and abusive. Her mother is separated from her father and basically working as a modern day slave in another country under the guise of domestic helper.

It is not a case of force her to change at all costs. That is ridiculous. I am not going to cut myself off from my own future and I'm not living in this country the rest of my life. There is no work or opportunities for me here.

She does need to change, she does need to face up to her sin, but it would be utter foolishness to destroy our future in order to get that to happen.

As I said. My only option is for me to return to the United States which would force her to face up to her stuff. The risk is that she will use it as another excuse to blame and rationalize.

Right now she has started to indicate she will go see a counselor and also would like to speak together with our pastor (who is aware of the bruises I have received). This is a baby step in the right direction.

I am not doing this mans way. No matter how much you may want me to do things from a humanistic point of view. God is in control. He is my rock and my fortress at this time. I am walking the straight and narrow. Not the road that so often leads to divorce these days. If you're not for Godly walking out of stuff then you're against it, and in that case you have the things of man in mind and not the things of God. In that case I say get behind me Satan.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

I do hear what you're saying valley gal and I agree for the most part. Just not the loss of our future in the process. I'm not going to relegate myself or my future kids to poverty.

She does need to lose it all and be confronted with a cold hard dose of reality just like you say. But that can come about by separation, and doesn't need to harm her career or affect our immigration to the USA.

 

[ValleyGal]

You're right....it might not. But I don't know what her "bottom" is. Her bottom might be separation, but it might not be...it might be the threat of immigration or career. Truth is, she likely does not even know her bottom until she reaches it.

I am not doing this mans way. No matter how much you may want me to do things from a humanistic point of view. God is in control. He is my rock and my fortress at this time. I am walking the straight and narrow. Not the road that so often leads to divorce these days. If you're not for Godly walking out of stuff then you're against it, and in that case you have the things of man in mind and not the things of God. In that case I say get behind me Satan.

I'm not sure why you think I would offer you a "humanistic" point of view, and I really don't think your hostility here is justified. I never suggested you go and get divorced or anything like that. I am saying that just because she is Christian does not mean she is also not human, and it is possible to understand and resolve human behaviour from a human point of view... with Christian values. It isn't either/or. God created us as humans and he certainly understands our fallen nature. He also understands the need for boundaries, etc. In fact, God even divorced Israel, so even if I did recommend divorce, which I'm not, it would not be sin.

Anyway, best of luck to you. I'm disengaging now because honestly, your hostility is really unwarranted.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

Funny. You tell me to stand firm then accuse me of being hostile. All I said is I'm not throwing away our future if things do get resolved. That would not be wise or loving.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

Latest update:

She went to see exodus with friends from church. Good.

She came home and was more gentle, sharing how she's pressing into God. Also good, baby steps.

Then she starts complaining about our apartment (it's not the most spacious and we are somewhat cramped). I say we can make it work and hold her accountable for scattering stuff all over the place. e.g. dishes strewn everywhere. It takes two seconds and two steps to take stuff to the sink and rinse and leave them beside the sink ready for the dishwasher.

She yet again starts getting hostile. She won't ever take responsibility for what she does. She'd rather fight tooth and nail to the death and set off a nuclear reaction than be accountable for her behavior. Next she pulls out the "I'm tired" card, which comes out whenever she wants to avoid dealing with issues.

I just don't get it. I don't understand how a human being can do everything else on the planet to avoid owning up and taking responsibility for their stuff.

Instead it's:

* blame
* re project
* avoid
* argue
* hostility
* anger
* rage
* attack
* belittle
* divert
* run away
* threaten divorce

Etc etc etc. anything else but take responsibility for herself. Instead she plays the victim card.

Has anyone ever experienced someone like this?

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

I honestly believe she would rather fight to the death or destroy the marriage before ever admitting to anything.

I'm in a no win situation. I'm not allowed to raise issues that need resolving. Instead I'm attacked. It's like walking though a minefield and the mines keep moving on me!

 

[Inkachu]

If she's determined to act like a toddler (throwing fits, being unreasonable), you may have to start treating her like one. State your point (ie, if you would pick up your dishes and put them in the sink, the house wouldn't feel so messy) and then IGNORE anything that comes out of her mouth that has the slightest bit of hostility or deflection or anything else that would spark an argument. Simply ignore. Walk away quietly if you have to. People who thrive on drama (including toddlers) need one thing: an audience. If no one's paying attention, they generally stop. You ever see that cute video of the toddler who literally follows his parents through the house, and every time he finds them, he falls on the floor and resumes his tantrum? It's hysterical, but extremely telling! Without an audience to fuel his fussing, he stops completely.

Refuse to engage her. You said you've started doing that, but I wonder if you don't get sucked into an argument by trying to defend the fact that you don't want to argue lol. I've dealt with people who are masters at manipulating others into arguments like that. They goad you into one more comment, one more answer, one more defense, anything that they can latch onto and continue the fight. It takes practice and self control to state your feelings once and then STOP, no matter what the other person says or does. Turn away from her, be quiet, if she gets physical (with you or with objects around the room), walk out immediately. If she follows you around the house, walk out the door. I doubt she'll continue to follow you down the street screaming and yelling for the world to see how ridiculous she looks.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

Oooo snap you nailed that one. Yes that's exactly what happens. I am slowly starting to master making my statement then walking away. I keep getting tripped up by the goading. Gosh darn it.

I still don't understand the fight till the end of the world mechanism rather than taking responsibility thang. What would cause her to be so fearful of owning up to her crud (aka sin or weaknesses)?

 

[Inkachu]

My son is a master arguer. He has been all his life. I joked when he was still little, that he would make a great lawyer. He can talk his way in, around, and out of just about anything, and has totally mastered the art of drawing someone back into a conversation that they desperately want to be out of lol. I've had to learn (and it took PRACTICE, believe me) to say "This conversation is over" and if he continues, he gets "the look" and a firm "STOP!" And he might stomp off in a huff, talking to himself the whole way. OH WELL. He gets over it eventually

My husband came into our family just a few years ago, and he'd never encountered someone like this lol. So he and my son would get into these circular merry-go-round arguments that would go NOWHERE, with just both of them getting more and more irritated, until I'd step in and say "This is pointless! Just stop!" My husband had to put into practice what I'd been doing for years, and it wasn't easy for him. He's finally getting it down pat now, but it's taken a while. My point is, it's a very hard habit to break, because it's against human nature to just shut someone down and ignore what they say. It takes time to be able to do it, and do it calmly and without becoming angry or hostile. And she may not just change her behavior overnight, or even quickly; if this has been her personality for years and years, it may take YEARS for her to put in the effort to change it. And that's only if she decides she wants to change.

But you have the power to control YOUR conversations with her. When you feel yourself getting riled up, or when you realize you're being goaded, step away, close your mouth, keep walking (into another room, out of the house, down the road, whatever!) until she stops following and prodding at you.

Maybe you'll be able to at least restore enough sanity to your home that you can survive until you get back to the US and can get into some good counseling.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Autumnleaf please refrain from comment. You obviously have your own issues. Don't presume to know what my experience is. First walk a mile in my shoes. Also I'd encourage you to deal with your own hurts rather than attacking others, as hurt people hurt people. Perhaps you're also a woman who is abusive towards men and don't want to admit it hence you're attacking me to turn attention away from your own pathology?

I am seeking Godly resolution in my marriage. I don't have money to separate, I don't have anywhere to turn, there are no shelters for abused husbands. Men, unlike women do not have support centers to go to, and are usually treated as if they're at fault, oftentimes afraid to call police on the abuser for fear the woman will make false accusations of abuse.

God hates divorce, he also hates people who cover themselves with violence. I need a support network of Godly people who can help me find my way with God. To stand firm in the storm. I am not a quitter and will not take the easy way out. Yes, the road will be hard but it is better than the alternative!!!!!!

You don't have to go to a shelter. When she hurts you you call the police the they will take her to a nice place where they will feed her and give her a place to sleep while she waits to see the judge. They got a system, see. There are armed men who will protect you if someone tries to hurt you.

When that happens she will be compelled to stop hurting you. Its wrong for her to do that. She needs help. You don't have to take it anymore. You shouldn't have to.

 

[missionaryfilmmaker]

Autumn leaf enough with the sarcasm. I cannot call police because if she is arrested my future will get severely screwed over. It will lead to all of the money I have invested in her nursing degree being thrown down the drain which is tens of thousands of dollars. You cannot get work as a nurse with a criminal record. You also cannot immigrate to another country with a criminal record.

So calling the police is out of the question. Also it is usually assumed the man is the one abusing. I am risking going to jail for her pathology!!!

Her issues are not related to her career and she is only like this with me. It would be stupid to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Your "solutions" autumnleaf will only lead to one outcome. Divorce!!!

 

[DZoolander]

 

[Autumnleaf]

Autumn leaf enough with the sarcasm. I cannot call police because if she is arrested my future will get severely screwed over. It will lead to all of the money I have invested in her nursing degree being thrown down the drain which is tens of thousands of dollars. You cannot get work as a nurse with a criminal record. You also cannot immigrate to another country with a criminal record.

So calling the police is out of the question. Also it is usually assumed the man is the one abusing. I am risking going to jail for her pathology!!!

Her issues are not related to her career and she is only like this with me. It would be stupid to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Your "solutions" autumnleaf will only lead to one outcome. Divorce!!!

Are you saying you have to help her keep her abuse of you a secret because you are afraid of financial loss? You have to enable your abuser? Are there any women on this site that want to chime in?

If that is the case, where is God in that?

 

[HannahT]

Are you saying you have to help her keep her abuse of you a secret because you are afraid of financial loss? You have to enable your abuser? Are there any women on this site that want to chime in?

If that is the case, where is God in that?

His response isn't unusual.

It has to be his choice, and only his. He is the one that has to make a choice when enough is enough. Otherwise, if people talk him into something he isn't ready for - he will go back, and it will get worse.

I just hope they keep the family down to zero children, because you don't want to bring children into this dynamic. It can and will cause lifelong damage.

In the states DV shelters do help men, but they put them up at a different location. Unlike the myths out there they do not encourage you to leave, because again it has to be your choice.

Most people feel helpless, and do feel stuck. That is extremely powerful, and they stay. Most people don't understand the dynamics of such a relationship, and label it a communication problem or an anger problem. Its not. In many faith circles restoration is more important that personal safety. That's the reality of it, and so his support there will be limited.

Sounds like she learned her abusive traits from her father, and doesn't know any other way to dealing with life. My mother was a child of DV, and at times she struggled with admitting error. Due to her upbringing that made her a 'bad' person, stupid, and all the rest of the labels throw at you in that environment. People do not see error like most of us, but a huge sense of shame.

Mom would put on what I called, the Southern Belle Act. She felt cornered - no matter how softly you approached it - and played the Southern Belle, and how she didn't understand WHAT you were talking ABOUT! She was well educated, extremely smart woman. Yet, this faucet of life just overwhelmed her circuits. I never knew WHY she acted that way, until I became an adult....and found out about her childhood.

My brother called it the 'dumb blonde act'. It was just her way of dealing with it.

His response is based in fear, and parts of his fear are extremely realistic. He knows her, and he knows how the community will react. He is stuck between a rock and hard place. Like many in his circumstance he will just continue to pray for change, and hopefully she can take some of it seriously enough to want to do that change for HERSELF! If you do it for others - it won't stick. She is the only one that can make the decision to leave her past dynamics, and learn new ones.

Sadly, this is the same for anyone in his shoes.

 

[Shrie]

Missionaryfilmmaker

I came across your post while trying to find some Christ based support to people suffering with PMDD...

I realize I am about 2 years late to the conversation but I wanted to see hoe you both have been doing.

Even in your trials you were encouraging to seek God first. Thank you for that

God bless you!