My heart certainly goes out to you. My wife has had some extreme hormonal swings at times, but it's an occasional one-off thing, rather than a monthly thing. She doesn't get violent, but she has gotten kind of argumentative, easily hurt, cried a lot, and said a bunch of emotional stuff that are coherent sentences, but are just hard for me to relate to.
In addition, my wife can get moody during PMS. The times she's gotten really extreme seem like they are related to pregnancy, like when she had post-partum blues or when her cycle kicked in after breast feeding. Does your wife act like that for a week out of every month, or is it more common than that?
My wife's PMS issues seem to have improved. Part of the problem, I think, was that she seemed to think the solution was for me not to do things that irritated her, but it seemed like just regular stuff irritated her. As she came to take more responsibility for her emotions, she's gotten better. And also she prays a lot about these things, and the PMS argument and moodiness has decreased.
I don't always succeed, but I least I know when this happens my course of action is not to get drawn in to the emotional whirlwind. It's easy to get caught up into an argument, especially if you don't know the hormonal emotion attack thing is going on. So I have to know when to be quiet, or when to kind of not focus on what she's saying and say emotionally comforting words ("I'm sorry you feel that way.")
I don't know a solution for your issue with her being violent. I haven't had to face that. Does she remember how she was after she snaps out of her emotional turmoil? Does she regret it and apologize? Or does she act kind of like she was justified because she felt bad and it is your role to be her emotional and physical punching bag? If she regrets it, maybe she would be willing to go to some kind of therapy where she learns to focus her attention and take responsibility for her emotions. You don't want to just rely on hormone pills.
When she's in her right mind, you may need to talk to her about taking responsibility for herself during those times. Don't have the conversation too soon, because you might think she is emotionally leveled out, but she could go back into one of those dark hormonal moods.
When she's in her right mind, how would she fill about you taking a course on restraint, the kind of course people who work in mental hospitals and youth detention facilities take, where you learn to restrain a violent person without hurting the person? You can run this by her when she is in her right mind. When my wife's in a mood, she's admitted later, that even though she says, "Don't touch me" part of her wants me to give her a hug. If she gives you permission (maybe in writing) to restrain her if she's violent when she's in her right mind, maybe the two of you could talk through things you can do if she gets out of control.
She has to be on your side, though, when she's normal, in trying to find solutions. And she has to have a commitment when she's her 'normal self' not to be violent.
On the spiritual side of things, you might also want to go to a pastor who has some experience with deliverance ministry to pray for her. There could be a spiritual root, even if there are also physiological causes. You could go to someone for healing prayer. There are pastors, healing rooms ministries. Some people will be willing to meet with her repeatedly over a long period of time to pray for healing or deliverance from this problem. Ultimately, however it is achieved, God is the source of healing and deliverance for these things. And it is good to just approach Him in faith and prayer and expect Him to answer your prayer.
My wife was going through some moodiness during her last pregnancy, nothing violent, but she was hard to get along with. She'd have said the same about me during those times. But one night, after everything had turned into an argument every night for several nights, I said something so bland and neutral, I couldn't understand how she got upset. She surprised me because I couldn't find her in the apartment and the van was gone. A little while later, I got a call from her. She'd gone to a motherly older Christian Filippina friend who mainly listened and encouraged a bit, who encouraged her to call me. I spent the time praying for my wife. I prayed about a list of problems I had with her, things I think she needed to improve on on her end in our marriage. There were some specific things, too, and things I'd never really felt free to talk to her about, like the idea that how she saw her parents interact effected our marriage.
I stated my requests and asked God to speak to her. I told God that she was His daughter, and argued that it was not His will that His daughter be this way. I told Him that the Bible teaches that whatever we ask according to His will, we know that we will have it. So I asked Him to speak to her and to change her. I could know that I have it because it is according to His will. I explained why, based on the Bible, why I believed it was His will. Then I trust Him to do it. That was one of those times in my life where I can say that I prayed in faith.
A couple of nights later, she asked me to sit down next to her on the couch. I was a bit apprehensive. Did she want to argue again? She sure looked nice and sweet the way she was talking. She told me God had spoken to her about some things she'd been doing wrong in our marriage. She talked me through my prayer list, but in much more detail. But she touched on most of the specific details. I perceived something demonic was giving her ideas about me once, and then she said something attributing totally wrong motives to me. I had prayed about that that night. She mentioned this to me. It was totally amazing to me that she was telling me how God had spoken to her to correct her about the very list of things I had asked God to speak to her and correct her about just a couple of nights before.
This was pregnancy, so there was no PMS, but it was like extended PMS. But after that night, she was just so sweet. She'd be standing around crying. I'd ask her why. She was regretting that she'd said or done something to me. She went through a time of introspection and re-evaluation.
Before that, when she had PMS, we'd have these long conversations that would start at 10 PM, basically monologues where, she in very repetitive fashion, would talk about all the things that were wrong with me. I was in grad school not working, and she thought we weren't being blessed financially because something was fundamentally wrong with me spiritually. It was often something vague like that, not something specific that I could examine. Now, if there were something obvious, she'd point that out, too.
Of course, if my wife sees I'm doing something wrong, she'll tell me that, and she is free to as far as I'm concerned if she goes about it in a good way. But she's not as critical as she was before that time of repentance. She's had a few big PMS mood swings and some regular PMS grumpiness since then, but the whole issue is not as severe.
I've also stopped placating her, stopped taking blame so readily for her emotions. I've tried to put the responsibility for her emotions on her, and things like that on my end. But mainly the response to prayer is what helped her.
I know your troubles are in a whole different league than mine. But from the perspective of God's power, the differences are miniscule. He is so powerful can deliver your wife from this problem. He can shine the light on things in her thoughts and attitudes that open her up to act this way. So pray in faith for your wife to be free from this and I will agree with you.
Yours in Christ,
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