Dealing With Parents

[NoddaProbBob]

Hi everyone, I wanted to get your thoughts and experiences as to how you've handled your parents.
Back in late July I finally disclosed to my parents that my brother sexually abused me. It didn't go very well. In order to avoid the gruesome details of their maltreatment, the overall summary is that I have received no validation whatsoever. I was forced from my home and my abuser was allowed to stay, consequence free. I haven't gotten any of the support that I desperately needed from my parents. They only see this as an inconvenience to their lives and think that this was done to hurt and spite them. The pain that I've suffered my entire life is seen as nothing more than a joke and viewed as something that I just need to move on from.
I know that my only option is to heal on my own at this point. I will clearly never receive what I need from them. However, this doesn't stop me from wanting their validation and support. The issue is that my desire for these things never goes away. Its causing such a disruption in my life right now. And I know that I need to figure out how to accept that I'm not ever going to get what I need from them. I just don't know how. My life was much simpler when I wasn't talking to them but now that the lines of communication are open again I find myself very triggered by their insensitivity and lack of recognition of what's been done to me. How do I even begin to break this attachment?

 

[Darkhorse]

I don't know if this helps any, but...

some situations and relationships just aren't repair-able, and you have to establish security in your own life, with your own friends, on your own terms. It takes time.

Unfortunately, the only solution for some relationships is to walk away and keep on going...sorry!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

It does help Darkhorse, thank you for replying.
I went through a period of time where after I disclosed, that I completely cut my parents off and didn't contact them whatsoever. It hurt, but it was really so much easier. It didn't hurt nearly as much as it does now.
I don't know if this relationship is repairable or not. I don't know that I really want to fix it anyways. They cannot undo what they've said and done to me. I'll never forget those things...

 

[cassandracomplex]

I was sexually abused by my father and he never admitted doing anything. He has always been a creepy man. My mother still doesn't quite believe it and she has asked me many times about the details. I finally couldn't stand it and told her I couldn't talk to her anymore about the topic. I told my father I forgave him and I did, I prayed for him as a child and will keep praying if i can for him to go back to God. Even my "adoptive grandma mentor" didn't believe me until I got sexually assaulted by a man in my building... I still wonder tho. Some people are just that way, but God is great and he can help. I suggest you consider going to therapy and support groups. They've helped me too.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I was sexually abused by my father and he never admitted doing anything. He has always been a creepy man. My mother still doesn't quite believe it and she has asked me many times about the details. I finally couldn't stand it and told her I couldn't talk to her anymore about the topic. I told my father I forgave him and I did, I prayed for him as a child and will keep praying if i can for him to go back to God. Even my "adoptive grandma mentor" didn't believe me until I got sexually assaulted by a man in my building... I still wonder tho. Some people are just that way, but God is great and he can help. I suggest you consider going to therapy and support groups. They've helped me too.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am currently in therapy and am looking to maybe gather some more support by looking into a support group. My support system is very small without my family so it's time to grow some branches.
I'm sorry that your mother is unwilling to completely believe you about what has happened. There is nothing worse than that invalidation and I can attest to that based on personal experience. When the questions begin to fly it creates a huge emotional stir that results in our defenses going up. That's where I'm at. My defenses are on overdrive whenever I have a conversation with my family. It's an exhaustive process.

 

[Johnnz]

I have often found that a parent will not accept a daughter's account of some family sexual abuse. That leaves her without recourse, invalidated and sometimes open to further abuse.

John
NZ

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Everything you've said is very true Johnz.
It is a constant struggle unfortunately. I just need to learn how to grieve for the parents that I did not receive.

 

[Johnnz]

The aloneness is very unsettling, an added burden you shouldn't have to carry alone. A counsellor can help to validate you and what you have been through. Finding others who believe you will give some comfort too.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Everything that my family has done in regards to me and my struggle has been a burden. I shouldn't have to carry it alone. But this is the reality of what's been done. I'm working with a therapist. In fact, I had to broaden my support system so I had to add another therapist to the mix. I just started working with her yesterday in a group setting so we'll see how this goes...
I feel like I'm spending all this time in therapy and yet I'm still struggling. It's disheartening.

 

[RuthD]

I was abused sexually many times in my life. I talked and talked about it, felt my feellings, cursed them all and then one day I forgave them all. Now I am free!!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

That's amazing Ruth! I'm glad you've gotten to a good place!

 

[RuthD]

Thank you. It took quite awhile. I was very very angry and hurt.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I can imagine.
A fitting set of responses to what you've been through.