Dealing with Infidelity

[chris91]

I am with blizz. Now that 'he' is not avaiable, shes back. You said she's sorry. Is she sorry for the infidelity or sorry she got caught? Sounds like you both need to stop and see whats really going on and go from there.

 

[BigSkyGuy]

I think she is sorry for both, that she did it and got caught, and that she hurt me, but I think she has justified what she did by saying that she felt our marriage seemed like it was over since what she felt when she talked with him seemed so right and different. I think she is really struggling with her feeling for him, and wishes it hadnt ended so abruptly so she had options, she doen't know if the things he told her are lies now or if he is just being trapped by his wife.? Its hard for me to start healing and trusting her if I dont know what would happen if he became available agian, his wife is making him sleep on the couch, and to top it off they are only 28yrs old with two kids, and she will only show him intimacy once about every three months, so I know he has got to be vulnerable, but he has shown me over the past 10 years that he is usually a Good Christian man, good husband and Great father. So I dont know if he is strong enough to stay in this unequally yoked marriage with his wife of not, her faith has been shipwrecked since this affiar. So I dont really know where my wifes commitment is right now, she has been doing and saying all the right things, except I think she feels she is stuck in this marriage now with very limited options, and not fully confessing what went on with them or taking blame. She has agreed to get councelling and has gone once, it seemed to help.

 

[4jacks]

Tough Spot Bro. . .

I'm all for recommending staying together when the spouse is sorry... but it really doesn't seem like your wife is.

It sounds to me like you are scared to leave her. You are scared that your kids will be damaged, that your life will be ruined or something of the like. Dude, you are biblically justified to leave her, and god will honor that and take care of you and your children.

I'm going to take the unpopular road and say to try leaving her and see if she wants you back for the RIGHT reasons. You want to be her husband not her safety net.

*granted* this recommendation is on the grounds that she did have intercourse with this dude. I personaly believe that if was only a hug and a kiss, that even though it is wrong it is not biblical grounds for divorce.

I'd ask the guy what went on if your wife isn't talking.

 

[Leanna]

Tough Spot Bro. . .

I'm all for recommending staying together when the spouse is sorry... but it really doesn't seem like your wife is.

It sounds to me like you are scared to leave her. You are scared that your kids will be damaged, that your life will be ruined or something of the like. Dude, you are biblically justified to leave her, and god will honor that and take care of you and your children.

I'm going to take the unpopular road and say to try leaving her and see if she wants you back for the RIGHT reasons. You want to be her husband not her safety net.

*granted* this recommendation is on the grounds that she did have intercourse with this dude. I personaly believe that if was only a hug and a kiss, that even though it is wrong it is not biblical grounds for divorce.

I'd ask the guy what went on if your wife isn't talking.

I personally wouldn't find it unusual or even shocking if it really *was* just a hug and a kiss. That's all it was for me until 7 months later when we "relapsed"......................

Which is why it is important to come to get some help and fast. Cold hard facts.

 

[BigNorsk]

It does sound like your wife still has a ways to go to get completely back to your marriage, but that doesn't mean that she won't.

Does she read romance novels, her explanation of things sounds more like a bunch of slogans out of such writings than anything biblical. Those trash books could actually be the source of what fed this whole thing in your wife. Her language sounds like she has been feeding her mind a bunch of hooey from someplace.

You seem yourself to be more able to function around the other couple than I probably would be. I think I would want to move away from them especially with the still nonsence coming out of your wife's mouth. I know that would be disruptive to the kids but nothing like a divorce and if I thought my wife needed separation to help her really break it off entirely, I would do so.

The Bible talks of a women's ministry in this sort of thing. Does your church have an active women's ministry, or is there a mature or several mature women who would work with your wife?

Titus 2:3-5 NET
(3) Older women likewise are to exhibit behavior fitting for those who are holy, not slandering, not slaves to excessive drinking, but teaching what is good.
(4) In this way they will train the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children,
(5) to be self-controlled, pure, fulfilling their duties at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the message of God may not be discredited.

It doesn't seem that the lesson got through to your wife if it was ever given. I would think a refresher course would be in order.

Marv

 

[Leanna]

I think she is really struggling with her feeling for him, and wishes it hadnt ended so abruptly so she had options

And how do you feel about this?

What's going to happen when the other guy gets bored with his marriage and just wants to "talk" to your wife because they had such a great emotional connection?..............

 

[GutterRat]

RUN AWAY. It doesn't sound like she is sorry for what happened - she's disappointed that it ended!

Run - don't look back.

 

[Leanna]

It doesn't sound like she is sorry for what happened - she's disappointed that it ended!

This is what I am getting out of it too.

But I don't agree with the running away.

 

[BigSkyGuy]

I have been thinking about maybe going and staying at our cabin for a while, I think she would be terribly hurt if I had a girl friend or something, she is usually a very jealous person, but I have always been faithful to her, to the extreme that I wont even flirt with other gals at work out of respect not to make her feel insecure. It is so hard when she is at home now trying to go through the motions to work it out but I dont think she can control her feelings, will they go away on their own? Do you guys think that there is a different way that her relationship should have ended with the other guy? I could arrange a meeting with the four of us for him to tell her it is over in front of his wife and myself? that sounds kind of controlling though. I just want some more closure to this is all.

 

[Leanna]

I have been thinking about maybe going and staying at our cabin for a while, I think she would be terribly hurt if I had a girl friend or something, she is usually a very jealous person, but I have always been faithful to her, to the extreme that I wont even flirt with other gals at work out of respect not to make her feel insecure. It is so hard when she is at home now trying to go through the motions to work it out but I dont think she can control her feelings, will they go away on their own? Do you guys think that there is a different way that her relationship should have ended with the other guy? I could arrange a meeting with the four of us for him to tell her it is over in front of his wife and myself? that sounds kind of controlling though. I just want some more closure to this is all.

I think the biggest mistake you can make right now would be to leave her alone. If they had an emotionally intensive affair, he probably misses her too. The last thing you want to do is leave her in the way of temptation.

You guys need to go to counseling together.

I think the way it should end is exactly the way it ended. She should never speak to him again or try to get "closure"..... that always goes wrong.

Argh. You should really read that site, it has good explanations about how it should end and how the other person tends to *want* to say goodbye.... very accurate....

 

[Diane_Windsor]

BigSkyGuy,

At the very least I think you should be discussing this with a marriage counsellor.

DIANE

 

[GutterRat]

I agree YOU need to discuss it w/ he counselor - without here in the room. I also think you need to look very carefully at the situation. I don't like seeing a marriage end - but I also don't like seeing people get hurt over & over again. My gut feeling is that this is a situation in which that would happen.

 

[clayharryman]

I really don't know what to say. I'm praying for you, bud.

 

[BigSkyGuy]

I have seen a marriage councelor we first started going together in June, she quit after 8 visits on her own and one as a couple, the Christian councelor told her over and over that her friendship she was developing with the other guy needed to end, and that it was robbing from our marriage eventhought she was just "friends" with him at the time. I continued to go off and on until the 1st of the year, he said she had a lot of stuff she wasnt willing to deal with and he didnt think she had much character and was going to continue to hurt me. SHE JUST CONFESSED TODAY THAT IT WAS MULTIPLE SESSIONS WITH HIM INTIMATELY, BUT NO SEX, EXCEPT SHE GAVE HIM ORAL TWICE, I FEEL DEVESTATED. Our intimacy had always been the best part of our relationship. She wasnt really ready to tell me all about it but I drug it out of her, she said she needed a few more weeks with her new councellor "phsychologist" that she has only seen once before she would be ready to tell me everything, I couldnt help but think the worst so I had to know and told her I couldnt take not knowing the truth. She said that once she told me it would probably end our marriage because she has tried to burry it to work on us. And that it would bring up to many hurtfull feeling that she hasnt delt with yet. She says she hates him now for decieving her. I am so hurt but I want to forgive her and learn to heal, I think it will really hurt our sex life which has been great for the past two months, even though it was partly a distraction from the truth but it had been bringing us closer together. I dont know what to do now, do I stand by her side and support her? Or do I start to distance myself. Today is one of four of my daughters birthdays, it will be hard at the party tonight to show joy for her. Please continue praying for us.

 

[Tuffguy]

Been there, done that. Twenty years into our marriage I came home from work one day and found a note my wife had left on the kitchen table. She had left and taken our five children with her. I did not see it coming and did not know there was a problem in the marriage. She was gone for 15 months and had affairs with five different men. During her absence I sought counseling in an effort to be the best me I could be. I did not pursue her. When she came back she asked my forgiveness and I granted it. To this day I have no problem with the fact that she was having sex with other men. What bothered me the most was the affect it had on our children as she was not parenting during that time even buying booze and cigarettes for our kids. Today she is my best friend and Sunday we will celebrate 36 years of marriage.

If your wife is repentant, as your post seems to indicate, then grant her your forgiveness (as Jesus would) and continue to work on your marriage and being the best you you can be. Don't play the "victim" and demand that your wife continue to pay for her mistake by putting a leash on her and requiring she report her every little move to you. And don't use the rediculous excuse that she "gave away" to someone else something that belongs to you to lay a guilt trip on her. Unless she brought back an STD (which mine did) nothing that belongs to you has been damaged, including her heart which she is apparently returning to you. The affair may not have even been a matter of the heart in the first place. My wife's was not.

Forgiveness is a choice. You will never forget what happened. But letting it interefere with your marriage is also a choice.

I don't know how you do that. I really don't. I would have put out a hit on her once i found out she was messing around.
I can't even imagine taking anyone back after they do anything w/another person, much less sleep w/5 guys. wow.
Each man is his own man with different criteria for what they want out of life. I question your judgement letting her back into the house, but that isn't for me to make the call on.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have seen a marriage councelor we first started going together in June, she quit after 8 visits on her own and one as a couple, the Christian councelor told her over and over that her friendship she was developing with the other guy needed to end, and that it was robbing from our marriage eventhought she was just "friends" with him at the time. I continued to go off and on until the 1st of the year, he said she had a lot of stuff she wasnt willing to deal with and he didnt think she had much character and was going to continue to hurt me. SHE JUST CONFESSED TODAY THAT IT WAS MULTIPLE SESSIONS WITH HIM INTIMATELY, BUT NO SEX, EXCEPT SHE GAVE HIM ORAL TWICE, I FEEL DEVESTATED. Our intimacy had always been the best part of our relationship. She wasnt really ready to tell me all about it but I drug it out of her, she said she needed a few more weeks with her new councellor "phsychologist" that she has only seen once before she would be ready to tell me everything, I couldnt help but think the worst so I had to know and told her I couldnt take not knowing the truth. She said that once she told me it would probably end our marriage because she has tried to burry it to work on us. And that it would bring up to many hurtfull feeling that she hasnt delt with yet. She says she hates him now for decieving her. I am so hurt but I want to forgive her and learn to heal, I think it will really hurt our sex life which has been great for the past two months, even though it was partly a distraction from the truth but it had been bringing us closer together. I dont know what to do now, do I stand by her side and support her? Or do I start to distance myself. Today is one of four of my daughters birthdays, it will be hard at the party tonight to show joy for her. Please continue praying for us.

If you want to keep her...

Be intimate with her soon before a void begins to grow there. Start seeing a counselor once a week or so, together only so secrets don't manifest, preferably one of your church pastors or an older couple who knows you both. Don't overdo counseling either. The key here is for you to forgive and accept her while letting her know you are hurt and moving on with the relationship.

If you want to move on...

Throw out everything you have that reminds you of her. Move out and start a new life. You have every right legally and Biblically to let her go.

Whichever you choose I pray for you and yours BigSkyGuy.

 

[revrobor]

I don't know how you do that. I really don't. I would have put out a hit on her once i found out she was messing around.
I can't even imagine taking anyone back after they do anything w/another person, much less sleep w/5 guys. wow.
Each man is his own man with different criteria for what they want out of life. I question your judgement letting her back into the house, but that isn't for me to make the call on.

You question MY judgement? I extended forgiveness to her (as Jesus would have done), we have both matured in our marriage as it has healed, she has become my best friend and loves me deeply as I do her, we are both now honoring our commitment to God and our marriage, God has used the experience and our response to it to help others and you'd rather react from base emotion and put out a hit on her? You need help boy.

 

[Tuffguy]

Forgiveness from Christ is different then forgiving a cheating spouse. For 1, we are not God. We can't forgive perfectly. We certainly can not forget. I probally could forgive a spouse but there would still be huge resentments that would eat at the foundation of a marriage.
What i meant by questioning judgement is this. Why would i want this woman that did these things and is clearly unstable to mother my children? Personally, i would have remove that negative influence and instablity (possible instibility) from my household.
Clearly, i was joking about the hit. Righteous indignation is really what i would be feeling.

 

[revrobor]

Forgiveness from Christ is different then forgiving a cheating spouse. For 1, we are not God. We can't forgive perfectly. We certainly can not forget. I probally could forgive a spouse but there would still be huge resentments that would eat at the foundation of a marriage.
What i meant by questioning judgement is this. Why would i want this woman that did these things and is clearly unstable to mother my children? Personally, i would have remove that negative influence and instablity (possible instibility) from my household.
Clearly, i was joking about the hit. Righteous indignation is really what i would be feeling.

Then we need to strive to be more Christ-like. The Bible clearly teaches that we are to forgive (seventy times seven) and to forgive others as God forgives us.

 

[Leanna]

Forgiveness from Christ is different then forgiving a cheating spouse. For 1, we are not God. We can't forgive perfectly. We certainly can not forget. I probally could forgive a spouse but there would still be huge resentments that would eat at the foundation of a marriage.
What i meant by questioning judgement is this. Why would i want this woman that did these things and is clearly unstable to mother my children? Personally, i would have remove that negative influence and instablity (possible instibility) from my household.
Clearly, i was joking about the hit. Righteous indignation is really what i would be feeling.

Why is the unmarried in the married section?