Dealing with girlfriends past

[Oms]

Hi,

I've been suffering quite a bit the last couple of days. I'm 27 years old and have been dating my 23 year old girlfriend for over a year. We are very serious and talk about marriage and our future together. When we first started dating she told me she did not want to move fast and that she hadn't respected herself in the past and has made a commitment to God that she would not have sex before marriage. She told me she was not proud of her past and that she made a lot of mistakes. I left the conversation at that because my past was not perfect and I had made mistakes in my past as well. Our relationship has been incredible. She treats me great and always shows me that she loves me in many ways. We go to church together and we have put God in the center of our relationship. My girlfriend is gorgeous and I have not had trust issues in our relationship, even when there are many men that try and pick her up.

As our relationship progressed I found out more about her history. My girlfriend found God and was baptized about a year before I met her. She grew up without a father figure and did not know God until her roommates lead her to God. After she was baptized she attended church every weekend and she is dedicated to bible study groups and learning more about the Bible. About 6 months into our relationship we had the talk about our past. We both shared the numbers of people we have slept with. Both of our numbers were about the same and they are not something to be proud of, I asked her if she had ever had a threesome and she replied no. Recently, I asked her if she was involved in a threesome and she told me she had been. She had been involved in 2 threesomes and one foursome where a girl was pleasuring her. I have been upset, angry, and struggling with anxiety since I found out this news. It hurt me to think the women i love was deceiving me and also that she had that much lack of respect for herself. I only know of her as the reformed and new person she is, but she has a past that was worse than I thought or expected. She told me the only reason she did not tell me when i asked her is because she wasn't ready to tell me and she was waiting for the right time. She has also told me she is ashamed of her past. I am trying to love her through her past mistakes but I find myself doubting if she could be lying or if she really could be using me. I find myself insecure if I will be able to please her or meet her needs. I am a successful handsome professional with a very good salary. I NEVER had any of these doubts before and when I'm with her now they go away. I don't ever want to get a divorce and this comes at a time in our relationship when I was ring shopping. She still is friends with 2 of her girlfriends that she used to be promiscuous and crazy with and I find myself now uncomfortable with their relationships and asking her to cease her relationships with them. Although she barely hang out with them, I still don't trust anything from her past.

she has been an amazing girlfriend and I love her deeply. don't want to become the overbearing, jealous, controlling boyfriend, but I'm struggling to contain this pain and insecurity. Please any advice to help me get over this.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

So you've basically described the problem is you, not her. Good we got that out of the way.

Basically, you both come with pasts. You either accept that or you don't. It's really that simple. By the sounds of it, you're not being accepting and thus, this will lead to problems in the future. My advice is to either come to the conclusion that it is indeed the past and is nothing you can change while also accepting that she should be permitted to hang out with her friends without suspicion or lack of trust (because if you cannot trust her to make the right choices, your relationship isn't as strong as you want to believe it is), or you get out of the relationship before you have the opportunity to really screw up the both of you causing long term pain because you stayed knowing you couldn't deal with her history.

Oh, and stop worrying so much. Cripes. If she didn't want to be with you or thought you wouldn't be good enough, she wouldn't be.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

OK, first of all, digging into your past sexual escapades was STUPID. That is NEVER a constructive thing to do as a couple. Stu.pid.

Second, this issue is YOURS and YOURS ALONE. Your g/f can't do a dang thing about her past, now can she? I have a feeling you pressed her for this information, since she told you one thing before, and then added more details later on. You should have left well enough alone; in fact you should never have had this conversation with her to begin with. Now you're festering with jealousy and insecurity. Guess whose problem that is? YOURS. Not hers. And shame on you if you make it her problem, whether by constantly bringing up this topic, or making her pay for your insecurities through arguments and drama that have absolutely nothing to do with her and the woman she is today.

You need to learn when to leave the past alone. I'd find a solid male Christian friend or counselor to dump your garbage on, and hopefully that will salvage your relationship. Pray your girlfriend can forgive and put up with your immaturity until you learn to grow past it.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

OK, first of all, digging into your past sexual escapades was STUPID. That is NEVER a constructive thing to do as a couple. Stupid

Well you are to be honest about everything. While having had sex shouldn't matter, it still should be brought up. Because if you lie and your spouse finds out after marriage, they may divorce because you didn't tell them about it. Do I think thats right? No. But some people are weird about your past sex life.

It would be like not telling them if you were a drug addict or if you were in prison. Also the reason its important to bring up the past is because again we are to be truthful. If they find out later they will have less trust in you because you just didn't tell them up front. A friend of mine was in prison for years. When he got out he met this woman that we know. She trusted him up until she found out he had been in prison.

They have made up since then but her trust level is not as high as it was. For the sake of your future marriage you should be honest. And if someone is willing to think your bad because of your past then they aren't worth being with since we should not throw stones as if we are innocent.

Now, lest be honest. Shes a new christian so you cannot hold her past against her. She was living like many non-believers do. If I were you I would get over what her past was. Now, if she was a christian and that was her past, obviously you have reason to not trust her. But thats not the case here.

If I read right you felt deceived. Is this because she didn't mention it early on? If so then what I said at the top is why I mentioned it. Be honest up front unless your willing to jeopardize trust later. TO be fair though some of the "rougher" things we do in life are never easy to tell people about because we know the world can be judgmental. So we hold back on the truth in fear. Maybe thats is why she stayed silent.

But we are in the here and now. You choose to trust her because shes changed her lifestyle or choose to not trust and leave her. I personally would trust her as long as you feel likes shes really changed. Just don't push the subject though. If anything now that its out avoid it.

 

[peckaboo]

OK, first of all, digging into your past sexual escapades was STUPID. That is NEVER a constructive thing to do as a couple. Stu.pid.

I massively disagree. Asking for all the gory details of a person's sexual past is probably not constructive, especially if you tend to be jealous or have an overactive imagination. But I think it's important to be honest with each other about who you were and who you are now.

As it happens, my husband was a virgin until he met me, but if he hadn't been, and he let me believe he was until 5 years into the marriage when he let slip, I would feel deceived. Definitely get these conversations out of the way before you get married, and figure out whether you can deal with marrying someone with the past that your girlfriend has. If you can't, fine, but then you owe it to her to let her find someone who can.

For what it's worth, the fact that she's been with a woman doesn't mean for a second that you're not going to be able to please her. I 'experimented' with a woman or two before becoming a Christian (and am still in contact with them) but that experience never even crosses my mind anymore. My husband is far and away the only lover I'll ever want or need.

The others are right - this is a problem only to the extent that you make it a problem.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I usually say the past is this past, but I think you have legit concern with her still being close with the people she was involved with in the past. That and the fact that she lied about it at first is not very reassuring, IMO.