Dealing with girlfriends past.

[exodus2]

Hello all.

I am engaged to a young Christian girl that I have known for about 4 years. I have known about some of her past, but some clarifications were recently made, that I guess just make me feel jealous, and I don't know how to deal with it exactly.

I think my g/f had a similar situation to GirlForChrist...eerily similar, actually. Same age when some mistakes were made, etc...but I don't think she was ever hit or abused, thankfully. She had told me that she had messed up with this guy before, and I don't know why, but somehow I assumed that is was a one time thing. (my g/f, "CL", didn't tell me it was one time...I assumed). I guess I thought she had been drinking or something and things had gone to far, and we all make mistakes...

Recently, actually just a couple days ago, she told me that she thought I had said something that made her realize that I thought she had only had sex once...and she told me that it was an ongoing thing with this one guy ONLY. I know she is regretful of some of her past, as I am of mine as well, but somehow this just makes me feel jealous.

Even knowing she wasn't a virgin before this conversation, I thought somehow some of the specialness of our first night would be preserved...don't get me wrong, I know it will be special, but I think more self concious worries will be on me since I have a different background.

I guess I am just jealous of the things I won't get to share with her, and need advice on handling it. I have forgiven her...I just need to find a way to give up my own jealousy.

Thanks

 

[Worship All Day]

hmm. sounds like you both should pray about it together. did you tell her how it makes you feel? communication about it all is key.

as for what you say about your feeling of jealousy, you just need to pray for help with that. That sounds like it could really be a hinderance to your relationship, and it should be addressed as soon as possible.

and like you said, don't worry about it still being special between you two, God can work that out, even though you might not think so. Christ doesn't hold our transgressions against us at all, so you should ask for help with letting go of your feelings.

fight the good fight! God bless you and your relationship

 

[DaveKerwin]

read this thread, it is basically the same idea.

http://www.christianforums.com/t58918

after reading it, post any questions you have, or feelings, or whatever and we can go from there.

 

[OrderMySteps]

Yeah I know exactly how you feel about that situation. I knew the girl I'm with wasn't a virgin I just didn't think she had done it so much. So much to the point where it makes me extremely insecure. I'm trying to deal with it as we speak, but I still have some ways to go. I'm even to the point where I'm jealous of her past relationships cause it seemed as though she was somewhat into them more than she is with me. All I can really say is be patient and try to cope with it. (I'm trying to do that myself.)

 

[GirlForChrist]

Exodus2 my boyfriend (of almost a year) know exactly what you're dealing with. I think the best way for you to get rid of your jealousy is to pray, and realize that she has changed. It won't happen over night, but I really feel that you should seek the Lords guidance in this situation.
P.S. I'll ask my boyfriend his opinion on my situation and see if he can give me in sight on how he forgave me and got over his jealiousy too. I'll send you a PM tomarrow after my b/f and i talk.

 

[Blondewyn]

My boyfriend of nearly 4 years went through the same thing with me. I have, well, a colorful past.

Basically, it's a two way road. Not only do you have to forgive and build trust, but so does she. And the only way that any of that will happen is if you talk openly and honestly.
You need to ask the questions that you want to know the answers to and be prepared for the answers. You also need to let her know that she is secure with you; that you won't judge or disrespect her for things that have happened in her past. She really needs to know that.
Yes, she will be embarrassed and ashamed, but after you two have shared what's truly on your hearts and in your pasts, you will have an intimacy.

I am surprised that the two of you haven't talked about these sort of things earlier. yes, they are no fun to chat about, but you are engaged and need to be talking about things like sex.
And beyond that, make sure that she knows that Christ loves her unconditionally... despite what's in the past. And that He has forgotten. FORGOTTEN it. Usually, a lot of guilt (especially unspoken guilt) comes along with these discussions. And it takes a strong man to love a woman through them.

and OrderMySteps-
yes, unfortunately, your girlfriend will always have a bond with the other men. But at the same time, respect her when she tells you that she cares for you. And (easy to say, hard to do) trust me, there is a bond more special between the two of you because of how you aren't pressuring her. You are the exception to the other guys, which automatically makes you both memorable and more meaningful to her.

To both of you:
There is a reason that she's with you; why she's moved away from the other men.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I don't know your g/f's situation, but if you are modeling it after GFC's...
I think a girl that young has a tremendous potential to be taken advantage of and led into traps they never meant to get into. I tend to be merciful in a situation like this.
Should you get married someday your first night can still be special. You will love her and care for her and that will make all the difference.

 

[Katty]

I know a bit about how you're feeling in this loop. The guy I used to be with sprung it on me too and seriously... it broke my heart. I felt cheated and betrayed. It took a long time to heal from that, but God is able to renew all that. If you love this girl, truly forgive her. I know its hard, but if she's brought this before God and has repented... it doesn't matter what was there, let it go. As her spiritual partner in a sense, you are to be like Christ to her. Best wishes to you. God bless you.
~Katty~

 

[katelyn]

I think it will just take some time and prayer. I know you feel worried and jealous, but I believe you will be able to come to the realization that although her past will always be there as a scar, it doesn't affect what you mean to her and how special you are to her.

 

[JAS99]

I'm in the same boat. And I know what your going through. I don't know exactly what point you're at in struggling with this but it does get better. I struggled on a daily basis with my fiancee's past the first few months after she told me. And yes details sometimes work their way out over time as well.

My Fiances past is one of those situations where it was over a year and a half relationship when she was 16-18 so she has some significant experience. I do struggle a little with the insecurities and some anxiety about just like you do, but its something ya just have to trust God with. I basically have held myself to very strict standards for my physical purity (now 26 years old) so I am gonna be completely inexperienced on our wedding night and she will be somewhat experienced.

One thing you have to realize though. The spiritual part of sex was completely not a part of her previous relationship. And if it was it was really messed up and wrong. When you make love to her it will be completely different. Guilt free and the way God intended it. Not even a comparison. And if she is any kind of solid woman she wont judge you based on your inexperience or differences in you body or any of that.

So basically. Yeah it stinks. And yes there is some insecurity and anxiety added because of her experience. But it will all work out. Just trust God and pray about it. And dont let it fester in your thoughts. Thinking about her past will bring nothing but pain. Forgive her and move on. Like Katty said. You get the oportunity to be Christ to her. To be her redeemer.

One last thing that is very important. Make sure you two maintain strict purity in your relationship. Especially because of her past, compromising will really hurt her as well as you. She wants you to lead her the right way. Don't give into temptation and become just like her x its just a bad way to start out a marriage.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Try to think of how she feels about all of this.
She feels ruined, and possibly not worth being loved for what she has done in the past. This hangs over her every day. She can never take it back.
Instead of feeling jealous, be glad she got out of that situation. Be glad you've got a wonderful girl and love her the way she is meant to be loved.

 

[JAS99]

I totally agree with Mr. Cheese. Its equally hard if not harder on her. Even if she plays tough. She may have deeper anxieties and fears over this than you. I know my fiancee really struggled with the fact that I accept her as she is. She felt like me knowing that about her would completley ruin my picture of her. It took her a while to realize that I still love her just as much and am just as excited to marry her.

And I know it was suggested that you talk this out and let your fiancee know how you feel. Please be careful with this. Its good to talk things out but basically your eventually going to have to let this go. I know sometimes I have feelings that really dont need to be discussed and would only cause more pain. Talk about things that will build each other up and reasure each other. Be careful how often you bring up her past though. If she thinks you are dwelling on it and having an incredibly hard time with it it will make it worse for her and actually slow her recovery.

 

[desi]

To the virgin men with nonvirgin women. Virgin women have something they know is very special and should only be shared with one man. They have taken this seriously and successfully protected their virginity from the advances of other men. This makes them wise as well as Godly. I urge you to keep this in mind when you decide who to marry.

 

[katelyn]

To the virgin men with nonvirgin women. Virgin women have something they know is very special and should only be shared with one man. They have taken this seriously and successfully protected their virginity from the advances of other men. This makes them wise as well as Godly. I urge you to keep this in mind when you decide who to marry.

I would guess that for a lot of women who end up losing their virginity before marriage, the reason they failed is not because they didn't value their virginity.

I am one of them. I valued my virginity very much - I had a purity ring, the whole bit. I had made a promise to God and to myself not to have sex before marriage.

For me it was a matter of self-esteem and being afraid that my boyfriend would leave me. (Which he implied he would do, more or less.) It was about being manipulated and being too scared to speak up for myself. That's not to excuse what I did - it was a terrible mistake that I have shed many tears over, and the battle over regret is something I will probably always deal with from time to time, although I have accepted Christ's renewal and freedom from that sin.

All of this is to say - just because a woman is not a virgin, it should not be assumed that she did not value her virginity.

 

[OrderMySteps]

That's true and all, but what if after they lost it they had numerous partner and had sex a countless number of times. It's not the fact that she isn't a virgin, it's the fact of how many partners and how many times they did it that bothers me. It makes me uncomfortable and a little unwanting to ever go that far with her. Well right now we're in the process of working through this and she's helping me alot so I can thank her for that.

 

[desi]

I have no beef with nonvirgin women, I married one. I do know there is a difference between marrying a nonvirgin and marrying a virgin from what I've seen of my and other marriages. The virgin wives tend to be more supportive and devoted to their husbands and I believe it is because they have respected them prior to marriage by saving themselves for him alone all their life. I have never hear of a virgin wife ever divorcing her husband.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

OrderMySteps, has she commited to remain celibate until her wedding day now? There's a such thing as a second virginity. You can't be it in body, but you can be in heart, soul and mind.

We can't change the past. She can't change hers. And I think by you continuously asking "why" you're not giving her a chance to put it in the past. You're keeping it right out in her face, which is probably hurting her. She wasn't trying to hurt you when she slept with those men. Did she even know you? Let it go. Yes, it's going to hurt you. But you have to let God work with that. There's a poem (which I searched for and couldn't find) about a child who broke his toy. He goes to his Father and asked Him to fix it. Of course the Father says yes and tries to work on it with the child there. But the child keeps snatching it away from Him and tries to make repairs himself. It doesn't work. Only when he gives it to the Father and lets him work on it alone does the toy get fixed, better then it was to begin with. Don't try to fix it yourself. Let go and let God fix it.

 

[Inspired]

Hello all.

I am engaged to a young Christian girl that I have known for about 4 years. I have known about some of her past, but some clarifications were recently made, that I guess just make me feel jealous, and I don't know how to deal with it exactly.

I think my g/f had a similar situation to GirlForChrist...eerily similar, actually. Same age when some mistakes were made, etc...but I don't think she was ever hit or abused, thankfully. She had told me that she had messed up with this guy before, and I don't know why, but somehow I assumed that is was a one time thing. (my g/f, "CL", didn't tell me it was one time...I assumed). I guess I thought she had been drinking or something and things had gone to far, and we all make mistakes...

Recently, actually just a couple days ago, she told me that she thought I had said something that made her realize that I thought she had only had sex once...and she told me that it was an ongoing thing with this one guy ONLY. I know she is regretful of some of her past, as I am of mine as well, but somehow this just makes me feel jealous.

Even knowing she wasn't a virgin before this conversation, I thought somehow some of the specialness of our first night would be preserved...don't get me wrong, I know it will be special, but I think more self concious worries will be on me since I have a different background.

I guess I am just jealous of the things I won't get to share with her, and need advice on handling it. I have forgiven her...I just need to find a way to give up my own jealousy.

Thanks

This is just my opinion

I think too many guys get caught up in the Star Trek syndrome (boldy going where no man has gone before). In a world were all too many girls, and done everything know to man, you found one, who made a mistake. One who seems to complete you, or I would hope since you are engaged, and she has a past, ok so be her future. Ok so he took her virginity, if she is marrying you, then you took her heart, and that special night will happen after you take her hand.

 

[momluvsjesus]

I slept around before marrying my husband and it broke his heart when he found out. When we got married, he was so merciful and gracious to me and it helped me to get over my feelings of guilt and shame. On our wedding night he treated me and saw me as God saw me... "a NEW creature in Christ!"
Chances are your girlfriend is feeling just as sad about her past as you are. But, like Katty said you have an oppurtunity to be Christ to her. She needs that right now. Love her by forgiving her ("love keeps no record of wrong doing"). You will be blessed for that.
Forgiving her and pressing on is going to be a reoccuring theme in your marriage so get used to it! Two imperfect people coming together to become one flesh...there's a lot of forgiving going on. But, it's well worth it
Find strength in the Lord and don't try to handle this in your own strength. I'll pray for you.