Hi,
I'm not sure where to post, this area looks appropriate. I've been on this forum before for other situations in my life. Usually every spring I have a new occurrence that has happened over the course of winter. I'm still learning so much in my life, like we all are. I've been on this planet 29 years and my life is still very much like it's always been. That has brought on major depression, plus among other things I've already had. Besides myself, I've come to post about someone else. This has plagued me for the last couple months, I just need to hear some "voices".
I read some about BPD. I interpreted it as similar to bipolar disorder. I dated a guy who has the bipolar disorder. I know alot about that disorder. I recently met someone this past December who has borderline personality disorder. He didn't tell me much about it, it just resembled bipolar very much. There were slight differences that stood out to me. This guy with BPD has a bad drug and alcohol addiction. I didn't know at the time that those actually help the BPD person, or so they think it does. I ended up criticizing this guy terribly because I didn't understand it. I got mean, as in yelling at him how stupid he is, mainly because he has a little son who he cannot take care of. I felt my mission in this case was from God that I were to help this guy get his life together for the sake of his child. There were many resemblances of him from former relationships and a big similarity of my brother who no longer speaks to me. I've had a tough time the last few years since my brother stopped associating with me and dealing with a bipolar boyfriend. They are both long gone now and I still have alot of scars. Meeting this person with BPD was alot for me that I can't explain it all. I mainly want to get out a couple different things. Feedback would be awesome.
I figure the Lord puts lessons in front of us. I also figure we are suppose to help heal people who are going through tough stuff. I try being very gracious when these situations arrive, yet I always get totally let down. I did ok with this guy before he went to jail. He seemed to be looking for answers from me and wanted a better life. I took the initiation that he was looking for GOD. I could help him with that no doubt. He lied to me alot the couple months I known him. He also treated me very poorly alot too. He stole from me, talked down on me, would get everything he possibly could out of me, then abandon me and hide. Towards the end he was down right nasty. Everything he was doing totally hurt because it was not the same person I'd met in the beginning. I wasn't sure who he was after he went to jail. So I read this BPD and alot of it pertained to him. I didn't want to hate him, yet I was still hurt and angry about some of the things he did to me.
He sat in jail for two months as well. I had alot of time to think and try healing myself from all the abuse and injuries he put me through. He promised me at one point he would pay me back. I wanted to trust him that he would. Yet I had a huge intuition tell me that he wasn't going to and that he was probably using me in every way. While he sat in jail, he got evicted out of our building. In some way, that let me down as well because I now had to feel completely abandoned in every way. If going to jail wasn't enough, he was now on the streets, no job, no money, can't pay his child support, can't pay back the people he owes. It's just a sad story. Normally I'd just hash out in my mind these kind of people are worthless who cause misery for people in their criminal ways. Yet something else, from God, told me that it's not all entirely his fault for having this BPD problem. He talked alot about his problems and they are many!
He came back to gather what was left of his life and some what talk to me. He didn't want to hear me ranting about the money and using people. He blamed it on the drugs and he'd never do them again. But he'd been saying that all along knowing him, so that were just words for the moment. I knew he wouldn't keep his vow. The next day he's already calling me, high on drugs, that I stole from him and he's reporting me plus a bunch of other people he ripped off. I couldn't call him back to tell him off because he'd called from a blocked number. The next day after that he called back to apologize to me for ranting on about thief, when all he was just confused. And I always forget about his BPD problem so I rationalize his actions for being a jerk. I still yelled at him. He promised me once again that he'd pay me back and he's not really a mean person. I somehow didn't believe him anyway and he ended up hanging up on me. I also knew he wouldn't get back to me and I had no desire to talk to him anyway, period.
During the couple days of this episode I did something I'm not proud of. While he was in jail, I had access to his email and such. I didn't do anything with either of them while he sat. But the week he got out of jail and he called me threatening me, I ended up replying to his son's mother from the voice of him. I basically said that the games between them can stop and they can think about that child instead of being juveniles to each other. I also added in there that she could take away his rights because he couldn't take care of him anyway and she was always yelling at him about the entire situation. I somehow came in between all of that because that is all I heard about while I knew him. I spent time with the little guy too and at the time I thought my email was appropriate and sent it on its way. She responded back that she was more then happy to sign him off if he'd go through with it. And that is when my heart sank. I had no real intention of wanting him to not be able to see his kid. I thought I was making a statement they were both being stupid and not thinking of the kid. But she didn't want anything to do with him and wanted to end it all. I knew at that point I had done something terrible. I'd asked God over and over, how do I fix this? They are both going to realize within the next 24 hours that it was fixed. And I didn't want that, not only for my stupidity that wasn't my business, but also because of that being their son and how it effects him. I felt terrible beyond words. God wasn't intervening like he'd done all along knowing this guy. Like I said he claimed he wouldn't ignore me and I'd get my restitution, but now I realized I'd wronged and anything I'd hoped for, not just my money return, but any positive goal I set an example for to him was shot down in one simple stupid thing. I knew it was over and there wasn't no turning back.
I saw him once since that fiasco. He just asked me if I was in his email and I claimed no. I didn't have time to explain and he didn't give me time to explain. He labeled me a thief again, and a stalker and ran out the door. All I remember calling out to him as he left was that I wanted my money back. That was it, and my life has been a depressive state ever since. And I only have myself to blame. I thought about this long and hard day after day and it still hasn't gone away. We don't talk to each other. I refuse to talk to him and he refuses to talk to me. He has never told me off which I assumed he would, considering. I did try emailing him but he never responded. I also feel as though I have two different sides of me fighting with what I think of him.
There's the part of me that is so angry that he used me, and there's also the sad part of me that he has the BPD among other issues. I haven't let it go, probably because there is alot of unfinished business. I never got to apologize to him to his face. He has never apologized to me period. I am in between feeling lost/empty, miserable/upset. If I could think one way or another of it, I could probably let it go. I am at a constant battle with myself everyday what to do, when in reality there is nothing I can do. Not only from the issue itself with him, but he was everything I'd gone through in my life before with other people. And he left almost exactly like my brother did. If I could just understand the BPD and what it does to people and how it's effected my situation personally, I would have some relief. God has told me everything is ok, but he's also told me that about my brother and I haven't seen in 4 years. Meanwhile I suffer every other day wondering what I did so wrong that he wants nothing to do with me. That hurts so bad. My last hope here, maybe someone else has experienced something similar to this and has an idea or an alternative. Because right now my life is on hold. I want to make it right with him and I don't know how. I can't make it right with my brother so I don't think much about that one. It's just everything I went through recently just reminds me of him so much. I know my selfish ways at times wants people who have done me wrong to suffer somewhat themselves. And I know that isn't healthy either.
I'm done ranting, God has lead me to this forum once again in some mercy.
Thank You.
I'm not sure where to post, this area looks appropriate. I've been on this forum before for other situations in my life. Usually every spring I have a new occurrence that has happened over the course of winter. I'm still learning so much in my life, like we all are. I've been on this planet 29 years and my life is still very much like it's always been. That has brought on major depression, plus among other things I've already had. Besides myself, I've come to post about someone else. This has plagued me for the last couple months, I just need to hear some "voices".
I read some about BPD. I interpreted it as similar to bipolar disorder. I dated a guy who has the bipolar disorder. I know alot about that disorder. I recently met someone this past December who has borderline personality disorder. He didn't tell me much about it, it just resembled bipolar very much. There were slight differences that stood out to me. This guy with BPD has a bad drug and alcohol addiction. I didn't know at the time that those actually help the BPD person, or so they think it does. I ended up criticizing this guy terribly because I didn't understand it. I got mean, as in yelling at him how stupid he is, mainly because he has a little son who he cannot take care of. I felt my mission in this case was from God that I were to help this guy get his life together for the sake of his child. There were many resemblances of him from former relationships and a big similarity of my brother who no longer speaks to me. I've had a tough time the last few years since my brother stopped associating with me and dealing with a bipolar boyfriend. They are both long gone now and I still have alot of scars. Meeting this person with BPD was alot for me that I can't explain it all. I mainly want to get out a couple different things. Feedback would be awesome.
I figure the Lord puts lessons in front of us. I also figure we are suppose to help heal people who are going through tough stuff. I try being very gracious when these situations arrive, yet I always get totally let down. I did ok with this guy before he went to jail. He seemed to be looking for answers from me and wanted a better life. I took the initiation that he was looking for GOD. I could help him with that no doubt. He lied to me alot the couple months I known him. He also treated me very poorly alot too. He stole from me, talked down on me, would get everything he possibly could out of me, then abandon me and hide. Towards the end he was down right nasty. Everything he was doing totally hurt because it was not the same person I'd met in the beginning. I wasn't sure who he was after he went to jail. So I read this BPD and alot of it pertained to him. I didn't want to hate him, yet I was still hurt and angry about some of the things he did to me.
He sat in jail for two months as well. I had alot of time to think and try healing myself from all the abuse and injuries he put me through. He promised me at one point he would pay me back. I wanted to trust him that he would. Yet I had a huge intuition tell me that he wasn't going to and that he was probably using me in every way. While he sat in jail, he got evicted out of our building. In some way, that let me down as well because I now had to feel completely abandoned in every way. If going to jail wasn't enough, he was now on the streets, no job, no money, can't pay his child support, can't pay back the people he owes. It's just a sad story. Normally I'd just hash out in my mind these kind of people are worthless who cause misery for people in their criminal ways. Yet something else, from God, told me that it's not all entirely his fault for having this BPD problem. He talked alot about his problems and they are many!
He came back to gather what was left of his life and some what talk to me. He didn't want to hear me ranting about the money and using people. He blamed it on the drugs and he'd never do them again. But he'd been saying that all along knowing him, so that were just words for the moment. I knew he wouldn't keep his vow. The next day he's already calling me, high on drugs, that I stole from him and he's reporting me plus a bunch of other people he ripped off. I couldn't call him back to tell him off because he'd called from a blocked number. The next day after that he called back to apologize to me for ranting on about thief, when all he was just confused. And I always forget about his BPD problem so I rationalize his actions for being a jerk. I still yelled at him. He promised me once again that he'd pay me back and he's not really a mean person. I somehow didn't believe him anyway and he ended up hanging up on me. I also knew he wouldn't get back to me and I had no desire to talk to him anyway, period.
During the couple days of this episode I did something I'm not proud of. While he was in jail, I had access to his email and such. I didn't do anything with either of them while he sat. But the week he got out of jail and he called me threatening me, I ended up replying to his son's mother from the voice of him. I basically said that the games between them can stop and they can think about that child instead of being juveniles to each other. I also added in there that she could take away his rights because he couldn't take care of him anyway and she was always yelling at him about the entire situation. I somehow came in between all of that because that is all I heard about while I knew him. I spent time with the little guy too and at the time I thought my email was appropriate and sent it on its way. She responded back that she was more then happy to sign him off if he'd go through with it. And that is when my heart sank. I had no real intention of wanting him to not be able to see his kid. I thought I was making a statement they were both being stupid and not thinking of the kid. But she didn't want anything to do with him and wanted to end it all. I knew at that point I had done something terrible. I'd asked God over and over, how do I fix this? They are both going to realize within the next 24 hours that it was fixed. And I didn't want that, not only for my stupidity that wasn't my business, but also because of that being their son and how it effects him. I felt terrible beyond words. God wasn't intervening like he'd done all along knowing this guy. Like I said he claimed he wouldn't ignore me and I'd get my restitution, but now I realized I'd wronged and anything I'd hoped for, not just my money return, but any positive goal I set an example for to him was shot down in one simple stupid thing. I knew it was over and there wasn't no turning back.
I saw him once since that fiasco. He just asked me if I was in his email and I claimed no. I didn't have time to explain and he didn't give me time to explain. He labeled me a thief again, and a stalker and ran out the door. All I remember calling out to him as he left was that I wanted my money back. That was it, and my life has been a depressive state ever since. And I only have myself to blame. I thought about this long and hard day after day and it still hasn't gone away. We don't talk to each other. I refuse to talk to him and he refuses to talk to me. He has never told me off which I assumed he would, considering. I did try emailing him but he never responded. I also feel as though I have two different sides of me fighting with what I think of him.
There's the part of me that is so angry that he used me, and there's also the sad part of me that he has the BPD among other issues. I haven't let it go, probably because there is alot of unfinished business. I never got to apologize to him to his face. He has never apologized to me period. I am in between feeling lost/empty, miserable/upset. If I could think one way or another of it, I could probably let it go. I am at a constant battle with myself everyday what to do, when in reality there is nothing I can do. Not only from the issue itself with him, but he was everything I'd gone through in my life before with other people. And he left almost exactly like my brother did. If I could just understand the BPD and what it does to people and how it's effected my situation personally, I would have some relief. God has told me everything is ok, but he's also told me that about my brother and I haven't seen in 4 years. Meanwhile I suffer every other day wondering what I did so wrong that he wants nothing to do with me. That hurts so bad. My last hope here, maybe someone else has experienced something similar to this and has an idea or an alternative. Because right now my life is on hold. I want to make it right with him and I don't know how. I can't make it right with my brother so I don't think much about that one. It's just everything I went through recently just reminds me of him so much. I know my selfish ways at times wants people who have done me wrong to suffer somewhat themselves. And I know that isn't healthy either.
I'm done ranting, God has lead me to this forum once again in some mercy.
Thank You.
