Dealing with Addiction

[BigToe]

There are groups like AA and NA and such to help those actually struggling with addiction, but it affects so many more. Having parents who are addicts or children, friends, a spouse, or a friend- it can change your life in so many ways. What are things that you have done or learned that have helped you? This is a problem that doesn’t happen only to Christians, but to so many people. Perhaps we can all help each other with tips we have come across in our own journeys of healing. Having been close to an addict, how has it changed your views on alcohol or drugs or whatever substance was being abused? Does it change how you react when you are around it in a safer environment? Did it change how you viewed your parent/child/friend/whomever? How did you help them? How did you help yourself?


*Note to staff, while I am myself a Christian, I would like for this to be a discussion for nonchristians as well so we can all draw on each other for help.

 

[BigToe]

I'll start this one off. I've known for a few years that my mom was an alcoholic. It wasn't the extreme where she was constantly drunk or anything- but it was a lot more often than it should have been. She would deny that she was drunk but the fact that all her words slurred together as if a baby were trying to speak kinda gave her away. She hasn't always been a big drinker. But she started dating this guy several years ago. And I think he has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. His family and my mom's family are big friends so I've known him my whole life too. He was gross. And my mom would defend him and say that our complaints against him were things my sister and I were making up.

Ritchie moved in with my mom pretty much as soon as my sister and I discovered they were dating. See, they had tried to keep it hidden because he was still married. My mom thinks thats why my sister and I never liked him. But that was just one of many reasons. He would come home and the first thing he would do is take a few shots of tequila. Then he'd be all noisy and messy and make some nasty food for dinner and not clean up after himself. Then he'd go back to the tequila. He got wasted every night. Not just tipsy either. Anyway, it wasn't long after he moved in that my mom started drinking with him from time to time. In her defense- she didn't drink every day. But if she did drink she didn't know when to stop and it got ugly.

And you always hear about alcoholics lying about things, trying to cover up for themselves. The thing is my mom never even tried to hide her drinking from us unless she thought we were going to yell at her. My sister and I didn't realize how big of a problem she had until a few years later. I basically figured it out when she threw me across the room the night before I graduated high school. I knew something was wrong because even when we were really bad when we were younger my mom wouldn't spank us. She thought it was mean and wrong to physically punish her children.

What my mom lied about were random things. Dramatic things. I think she might have a bit of Munchausen's Syndrome in the mix too. She discovered hwo to twists doctors into giving her prescriptions that she didnt need and in ways that were honestly illegal for them to give to her. She started openly smoking pot. She was constantly in what we called "The Zone" and just not much fun to be around. She'd run out of money at the end of the month so we wouldn't have much to eat. I don't know what all drugs she turned to, if it was just pot and prescription drugs or if she did some other illegal substances too.

Anyway, in October she went to visit my aunt. They ran into my uncle at the TX-OU football game. I don't know what happened other than my mom's version of the story. And I don't know if I can believe it. But apparently my uncle called my grandfather the next day saying my mom had been up all night snorting coke. My grandfather called my mom and basically told her to go to rehab or he's not only cutting her out of his life but he will disown my sister and myself as well.

My sister and I had spent the previous few months trying to figure out how to tell her shrink he needed to do something about her or how we could have her committed to a rehab facility. So we took this as our cue. We defended her and said that yes her dad was mean and cruel to her (its a long story, but the guy actually is pretty mean and cruel, but this time I think he probably was being somewhat genuine). But we also told her to just go, that maybe she could find something else in her life to work on and fix. And she agreed.

She's been sober almost 6 weeks now. She was in the hospital in Palm Beach for 2 weeks going through their detox/rehab facilities. Then she rented a house near that hospital. She's been going to their Intensive Out Patient meetings (like 3 hours long) and AA and NA meetings at least once a day. She found a shrink there who is helping her. And she has hired a "sober coach" who is just helping her out more amazingly than I could have expected. She came home Saturday for the holidays but is leaving back for Florida again after Christmas. She isn't ready to move home yet. Apparently a lot of her friends do the same things and she wants some more sobriety under her belt until she works up the nerve to tell them and find new ones. She has kicked Ritchie out of her house too. Things seem to be really looking up.

Thing is, I don't know how I am supposed to react myself. And I don't know how I can be the best help and most supportive for my mom. I don't even know if she wants me to help her. She thinks she has been a terrible mom and let us down. But really she hasn't. She could have been much much worse. And honestly, she hasn't even done all that much that is wrong. Certainly nothing that is going to make us mad at her or hate her or be less than we would be otherwise. I just wish I could help her understand that.

 

[Salieri]

I got drunk once.

It was unpleasant.

 

[milleri]

Hi BigToe, how are you today. I hope you will have a brighter days ahead.

I have read you, and IF I have the authority I will declare that rapist must be terminated. I have that in my mind for years after reading so many stories about rape. I don't have to be women to know this because the word "rape" is applicable to any other form of abuse, such as bullying. But now about addiction.

You have problem here because it is your mother is the one who is addicted and I don't know your age (strength) and yourself being independent economically. You must remember that you are as a person is independent in the sight of God. If you are underage than you are under your parent's guardian. It is the duty for the parent or guardian to sacrifice themself for their children well beings, but it look like you have everything up side down, and if your sister is underage therefore you have an obligation to be her guardian. (remember that)

If you are economically independent maybe you can play Islamic card, ofcourse if you have enough gut to do it.

Islamic law states that believers are forbiden to stay in the same place with anyone who commits evil act, and I think you agree that intoxicant is evil. Use this as a threat to your mother, who knows it might work. But there is problem with this. If you do this you must do it nicely, because the Islamic law placed mother next to God. So yes you are in catch 22.

Anyway, do you know that every pain in this life is reducing the record of bad deeds? So be patient with life, sooner or later it will come to an end and everyone will see what they have done in full view without missing a dot.

Be independent in life while still respecting your foes, as God has given you life as human, an incredible creature that make other creatures jealous, only if you know it.
If you're an independent person no one will be your master in your life, beside you are the master of your own destiny, no one can force you to do anything if you don't want to. This is your life that God has given to you, tough them out.
This is the only life you have as a chance to prove who you are, there is no other chance.
Everyone want to be a master to a slave, but he/she can't be be a master to strong slaves. Be strong and you will be a master in this life. And the only strength is the personality. And the the source of personality is strong faith. And strong faith came from knowledge.

I hope you have peace in strength from today onward.

 

[Sketcher]

The Bible says that everyone sins, so if we were to do that, we'd all be hermits.

Anyway, something that I have done that has helped me with my addiction is moving out of the place where I did it and not allowing the same stumbling block to exist in my new home. By robbing myself of the opportunity to indulge, I have set the stage to clear my remaining desires for it.

 

[BigToe]

I'm not abadoning my mother, certainly not right now. She probably needs my support more now than ever. But it doesn't mean I have to like it Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a thread simply about me but possibly for anyone who has someone close to them battling with substance abuse.

 

[bought_with_blood]

Well, i'm not sure if i'm qualified to write in this thread as i dont have anyone close in my family whos got an addiction, but i do work with heroin and crack addicts on the streets so i guess i can see one side of the story.

One thing i've learnt over the last few years is that everybody is their own individual, and as another human we have no control over this. That might seem obvious, but it is sometimes the most painful thing to realise. By pouring ourselves into another person we cannot do anything about how they are living, and it only exhausts us. i find myself with nothing left to give but love, and even my love runs out. It is only Jesus' love that can change these people's lives, however that is no excuse to preach to their faces.

"Evangelise, and if you have to, use words."

i think St Francis of assisi said that, and it is by that principle we have to live by. maybe it would work to tell some of the people we know about Jesus, but in my experiance of talking to guys and gals who are off their faces they do not remember all that much of what you say. They do rememeber that you were there though. So, not just for the stuff that i do, but for anybody, i think that its important that we spend time with people we love and if we love someone with an addiction, spend time with them too. Without saying anything you are showing that you are there for them and you care enough to be with them for a while.

I understand that living with someone who was never 'themselves' would be much harder than meeting them in the street and you'd feel much more emotionally attatched. i guess the only way i'd deal with it is to just be there. If it is painful for you to watch that person, i guess your time should be limited as by hurting yourself you are not making the situation any better!

Well, thats all come out in a big rush of keyboard tapping, so its probably not made any sense to you if you've just read it - sorry! But i hope you get my idea that if you love someone amazing things can happen. Its just sometimes hard to find the right way to love them.

<><

 

[devoted daughter]

There are groups to deal with the use of others, such as Al-Anon, of course. My experience with dealing with addicts is to have compassion; it really is an illness, but for them to continue use is a choice, and as frustrating as it can be for me, it is a matter of setting boundaries, and not to be an enabler, or co-dependant. Such groups can help, or private counseling, which I lean towards, or separating from the individual. We can’t help others until we help and heal ourselves. It has been my own personal experience to be mindful of such things; to offer support in what ways I can without being caught up in the problem; “We have the right to be healthier than those around us”, but it is terrible to watch someone suffer, and want to “fix” it. We don’t have that power; It’s their choice.

May you be protected and have strength, may your mother have resolution and healing, and may you both have peace, and to the rest of your family.



DD

 

[devoted daughter]

I'm not abadoning my mother, certainly not right now. She probably needs my support more now than ever. But it doesn't mean I have to like it Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be a thread simply about me but possibly for anyone who has someone close to them battling with substance abuse.

You are so wonderful for opening this up for people.

I'm sure I'll be back.

I have several active addicts in my life.



DD

 

[BigToe]

I think working with addicts certainly qualifies you for participating in this thread. Perhaps your work with them can provide a different light to the subject since you might not have the same emotional attachment as some of us do with the addicts in our lives.

I haven't yet gone to an Al-Anon meeting, still working on the courage. I do see a therapist each week who also happens to do a lot of work with addicts and family members of addicts, so she is being more than supportive to me as well as giving me advice on how to handle with situation with my mom. Our goal is for me to go sometime pretty soon after the New Year rolls around.

Anyway she told me the Three Cs of Al-Anon today- We didn't Cause it. We can't Cure it. And we can't Control it. Which I understand completely. But I think thats what makes it even more difficult. Yes my mom has hurt my sister and me, but its that she has some illness that we can't help her with that hurts us most.

 

[devoted daughter]

Oh, no, sweetie. I don't mean in lending "counseling" to others, I mean in my own personal life, if you were addressing me. I can only share my own experience with this, and I will be back, as I said. I can't tell you how much another's addiction has effected my life. Perhaps I should say I CAN. It's painful, but I'm open to lending support here, and seeking it, as I'm sure I will as things progress on this thread.

I hope I didn't offend...

DD

 

[devoted daughter]

I got it....

I had to scroll up.

I'm here though, and I'll be back.

 

[BigToe]

HAHA I was going to say that I was responding to someone above you DD (I have the lazy habit of not quoting what I am responding to and thus making everyone else majorly confused

I think anyone with any experience would be able to participate in a productive manner. Its just always nice to know that there are other people out there dealing with something similar. You can get ideas on how to deal with things or what have you. Always healthy.

 

[devoted daughter]

HAHA I was going to say that I was responding to someone above you DD (I have the lazy habit of not quoting what I am responding to and thus making everyone else majorly confused

I think anyone with any experience would be able to participate in a productive manner. Its just always nice to know that there are other people out there dealing with something similar. You can get ideas on how to deal with things or what have you. Always healthy.

LOL

I thought so, of course AFTER I posted.



DD

 

[bought_with_blood]

Perhaps your work with them can provide a different light to the subject since you might not have the same emotional attachment as some of us do with the addicts in our lives.

I dont know how it feels to have an addict in my family but i can tell you that 'unfortunately' (!) God has broken my heart for the guys and girls i know on the street so i do have a degree of emotional attatchment!!

I do know that if things get tough (although i haven't yet) i can walk away and go back home until i feel i want to go back into the thick of it.

How do you deal with not being able to leave a situation? Or do you just walk away? (I've got work experiance lined up at a Christian re-hab so i guess i wont be able to get away there!) Any good ideas??

I have enormous respect for you who do have to live in difficult situations. i can see what it does to my friends' families and i just pray that you'll find peace with Him, and that you take rest in the shadow of His wings.

God bless you all

 

[eastside9008]

its hard growning up with an alcholic mother, who won't stop drinking. even when she swore on her grandmother's grave. i can not figure out how to make her stop. growing up and having to deal with that, i can sence by just looking at a person, and be able to tell how many beers or shots they have had. and i still have 4 more years to go until i can leave.

 

[Stinker]

For 10 years I was a functioning raving drunk. The last two years were really out of control. The first eight I was able to keep my drunkeness away from my employment. But, just like every other sin, it was progressive and I was not able to keep it under wraps. I went through a lot of jobs.

I lived to experience hitting bottom, when you have no pride left in you to put in front of your face so God doesn't see your eyes shifting while your telling Him the truth.

After I had hit bottom I started studying the scriptures (again) to try to find my way back to the right path. I had tried A.A. numerous times while I was drinking but it was a ball-n-chain to me. The last thing I wanted to be reminded of while I was trying to quit drinking.......was a drink!

I tried church (again) and found it to be still the same problem as before that propelled me to re-start my childhood vice which was to drink. God teaches to never give up seeking Him, so I kept searching churches for years and kept studying the scriptures. It has taken a number of years, but I have finally found a congregation with close daily fellowship with one another. If all the churches obeyed the command to fellowship with one another closely, there would be many, many fewer cases such as mine.

 

[BigToe]

eastside- you cannot make your mother stop. Its those Cs of Al-Anon (the group for family members of alcoholics)- You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CURE it. You cannot CONTROL it. You can do what you have to do to protect yourself, but until you mother makes a commitment to stop you can't really do much. Just be encouraging.

 

[carmi]

Having been close to an addict, how has it changed your views on alcohol or drugs or whatever substance was being abused? Does it change how you react when you are around it in a safer environment? Did it change how you viewed your parent/child/friend/whomever? How did you help them? How did you help yourself?

I knew this friend who confessed to me that he was a drug addict but he claimed he was not doing it anymore. He even told me that he had been hospitalized to get treatment. I believed him.

Because I believed him I could not explain certain things, for example his mood changes or that very often he backtracked things he said. It was very difficult to stay friends because at times he was in a rotten mood and did say mean things. Later he could not remember it anymore, and that made it difficult to reconcile. Because there is always the possibility that I misunderstood, was too insensitive. It's exaggerated to say I doubted my own sanity but I started to question myself.

But the worst part for me was that he led me defend him towards others. Others did not believe that he was cured, suspected that he was still on drugs. And I became angry at them because I thought they would hinder him. I tried to tell them to give him a chance, expressing constantly doubts would discourage him.

Eventually the truth came out and it was a terrible blow. Not only because I felt so deceived by this friend but also because it was now me whostarted to doubt his proclamations he is now stopping. I could not honestly tell you what felt worse, all those months being deceived or those months where I was watching and observing him and always doubting.

Signs were there and at one point I thought it best to tell him what I thought. So I did tell him that I suspected him of still taking drugs. Of course he reacted hurt, disappointed and remembered that I am a believer and should not judge. He also claimed to be a believer, that might be so or not. It's not his drug addiction that made me wonder whether he really is a believer but he expressed some very strange views about God ... then again I have no way of telling whether he was under the influence while expressing these views.

Long story short, it turned out that again he had lied and continued to take drugs. And I have to admit at that point I gave up. I could not deal with that anymore, deal with him anymore. I was avoiding him. I could not figure out why he was doing it ... his family was very supportive, they gave him chance after chance (for expensive treatment) and they also supported him (his addiction did effect his work, he lost all interest in work but since he worked for his family, he was never in danger to get fired).

It's not a good excuse, I know, but trying to stop him from taking drugs seemed to me as trying to stop an avalanche from going down.

 

[illvibe]

Yo. Ive been a drug addict and alcholic for 6 years. I have 18 months sober, but everyday its a struggle. AA and NA are good, but the ultimate help comes from reading the Bible. Pray to God to help you and He WILL do it. I donno.... I didnt believe in God a while ago but i debated myself into a corner and God asked me if i still wanted to do everything on my own. On top of being an addict, Im a bipolar schizophrenic. Oh well, you know? God puts obstacles in the paths of those he loves. I'll keep praying for me, my family, and all of the addicts out there struggling with their problems. Just remember that it takes time, and to be sober you HAVE TO WANT TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF. If you do it for anyone but yourself it will fail...i know because i tried like 4 times before succeeding (now) and it was horrible. Multiple trips to psyche wards and even being sent away to out of state rehabs didnt help. I had to open my eyes and see what I wanted, not what everyone else wanted. Now that Im sober and have God I feel like i could take on the world, and i had a mental breakdown just like 2 months ago! Praises are due to the Most High, Jesus Christ.
Peace Everyone, Prayers and Blessings
John
PS- Let go and let God