Dealing with a grieving dad.

[EnergonWaffles]

Hi all! I'm still a very young Christian (I'm 28 , and have been following Jesus almost 3 years), and I'm hoping to find some solid, biblical advice from my more mature brothers and sisters.

Out of my immediate family, I'm the first who has become a disciple of Jesus. My dad believes in God, has been to church for decades, and likes to talk about God, but he doesn't seem to have a personal relationship with Him.

My mom passed away last year within 5 months of being diagnosed with a brain tumor. She and I had a very strained relationship (which was 99% my doing) and we'd just reconciled 4 months before she was diagnosed. I stayed home and took care of her along with my dad, and God allowed me the honor of explaining Jesus' love to her. (She came to Jesus)

While I miss her, the most painful part of my mom's passing has been my dad. He stopped going to church, and isolated himself from the little Christian community he had. And then came the anger. I suppose it's how men often grieve, but he became angry at everything. Angry at the ministry I work at. Angry at me. Angry at the support brochure I sent out. I don't think he's had a good thing to say in 3 months. I'm on the mission field atm and it's to the point where I'm dreading our Skype chats.

One of the things he's angriest at seems to be me and mom. God has been gently working me through facing and dealing with how I treated her. There have been times when it's had me laid out on the altar sobbing, and other days where I feel just peace because we'll have a relationship in heaven. Most of the time I'm just numb.

I know my treatment of mom had to hurt dad terribly, so I've asked his forgiveness multiple times. He'll say I'm forgiven, but then he gets angry again and says hurtful things. I asked God what the problem was, and I felt God say he didn't feel appreciated. (God was right, I hadn't appreciated dad much). So, I wrote a letter to dad apologizing for not appreciating him when I was younger. I'm hoping that will help.

A week ago, dad dropped the news that he's getting married. The marriage is a week or two after the 1 year anni of mom's death. I don't know what the godly thing to do it. It feels like I'm being shoved away from my dad more and more with each conversation we have, and I just want it to end. Talking with dad about it is out of the question right now. I do pray about it, but I'm not sure what to pray.

I asked on a forum because the people irl I do know have set opinions of my dad, and I know they'll see me as a victim in all this. I'm no victim - my own sin had a huge part in this.

So has anybody else here dealt with a grieving parent? Now that you're out of the emotional tangle, could you provide any clarity of what would honor God? I know I need to agape love dad no matter what - I'm just not sure what that looks like atm.

Thanks! And God bless you all!

 

[I'm_Sorry]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

But praise God your mum is with Jesus.

I lost my fiancée 12 months ago and I am well acquainted with this heart break and I know that numbness.

May God continue to heal you and your dad.

My advise for you regarding your dad is to pray, pray, pray.

Only God can heal the broken heart and the trauma of loss.

Stay in love and forgiveness sister .

Much love in Christ Jesus.

 

[turkle]

It sounds like you are a really good daughter. You have owned your own mistakes and have asked forgiveness. Now it is up to your dad to extend that forgiveness. Anger is part of the grieving process, and your dad has to work through it in his own time.

It is really common for men to remarry quickly after the death of a wife. Hopefully he has made a wise choice, but however it turns out, he will need your support and love. Even if he is behaving in a difficult manner, the most compassionate thing to do is to hear him out, unless he is being unreasonable. If he is, then you will need to set boundaries on what you are willing to hear from him. If he is continually criticizing you for things you have already apologized for, then remind him of this and let him know that you would like to change the subject.

It's doubly hard because you are also grieving, but I urge you to prayerfully be as patient as you can with your dad within reason (and only you can decide what is reasonable). If he continues to be difficult, then you can stop the conversation.

There is no easy way to do this, and I'm sorry you are having such difficulty. Praying for your healing from all of this.

 

[drjean]

(((hugs))) Is there a problem with the new wife to be?

You won't become closer to your dad if he pushes you away.

He's lonely, obviously, and possibly still grieving.... but there just might be real love for the lady you know?

Embrace what makes him happy.... even if you realize later that she isn't good for him... because if you support him and he knows it's real (your support in what makes him happy), when he's ready to realize that she isn't good (IF that becomes the case) then he'll use you for support. Otherwise, it's just like with a teenager--what you tell them not to do they'll do.

A year is a good wait time, really. Try to love this new love of his life, unconditionally.... part of you might feel like he's replacing mom, but that isn't the case at all, trust me. Yes, there are parts of her activity about the house, conversation, going out etc that he's filling in the void left by your mom, but he's not "replacing" her.

We win people with love, not opposition and advice.

 

[Sketcher]

Sounds like he needs his space.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Do you know the woman your dad is marrying?
How long will you be away on your missions trip?
Are you invited to the wedding?
Do you have your own place to live in or will you
be living with your dad?

 

[longwait]

You actually did the most wonderful thing for your mother. You brought her to Jesus. Nothing can compare to that. You are working for a ministry. Thats good. You have changed a lot from what you were in your past. Many of us make horrible mistakes in life. Everything depends on how we mature from it. I know people who never mature at all inspite of their age. They could be 60, 70, 80 but they don't mature. Well, you definitely are not one of them. Your father should be seeing your growth and should be forgiving you and let bygones be bygones.

 

[mnphysicist]

While I miss her, the most painful part of my mom's passing has been my dad. He stopped going to church, and isolated himself from the little Christian community he had. And then came the anger. I suppose it's how men often grieve, but he became angry at everything. Angry at the ministry I work at. Angry at me. Angry at the support brochure I sent out. I don't think he's had a good thing to say in 3 months. I'm on the mission field atm and it's to the point where I'm dreading our Skype chats.

Anger is a pretty common expression of grief as is isolation. Having become a widower some years back, I mostly avoided the anger thing, but totally get the avoiding church thing. For me, it wasn't a change in my walk with Christ, as much as it is that there are about a million things church folks can say to a grievng person, and short of a few, most are more harmful than helpful. Similar things can be said about some support brochures and the like, grieving is a very individualized thing, so what might be helpful for person A is counterproductive for B and vice versa.

I know my treatment of mom had to hurt dad terribly, so I've asked his forgiveness multiple times. He'll say I'm forgiven, but then he gets angry again and says hurtful things. I asked God what the problem was, and I felt God say he didn't feel appreciated. (God was right, I hadn't appreciated dad much). So, I wrote a letter to dad apologizing for not appreciating him when I was younger. I'm hoping that will help.

I would think it would help, bearing in mind, it may take a fair bit of time for the fruits of such to show up.

A week ago, dad dropped the news that he's getting married. The marriage is a week or two after the 1 year anni of mom's death. I don't know what the godly thing to do it. It feels like I'm being shoved away from my dad more and more with each conversation we have, and I just want it to end. Talking with dad about it is out of the question right now. I do pray about it, but I'm not sure what to pray.

Again, grieving is an individual thing, there is no magic number as to when or even if it is the right time to remarry etc. I think of my Dad, where in he reconnected with his prom date from 60+ years ago a few months after my mom passed. I remember him asking me if I thought it was ok, and I said if you feel ready for it, by all means go for it... and they had a pretty amazing couple years together until she too passed away. And yet when I look at my own life as a widower, I'm thinking wow, how did my Dad do that? There is no way I would have been ready. Bottom line, each situation is different.

Thus, I really doubt that your Dad's upcoming marriage is a means of pushing you or your mom's memory aside. Rather it is likely his heart has expanded to welcome someone new, and in the process, maybe a window will also open for the two of you to reconcile. I've seen stranger things.

 

[EnergonWaffles]

Do you know the woman your dad is marrying?
How long will you be away on your missions trip?
Are you invited to the wedding?
Do you have your own place to live in or will you
be living with your dad?

She knew my mom...I know her somewhat, but we were never close, and there doesn't seem to be any desire whatsoever on her end to form a relationship. Honestly, I'm fine with that. She's not a bad woman at all.

I will be back in the States in 2 weeks! And yes, I live on my own. He lives about an hour and a half away.

You actually did the most wonderful thing for your mother. You brought her to Jesus. Nothing can compare to that. You are working for a ministry. Thats good. You have changed a lot from what you were in your past. Many of us make horrible mistakes in life. Everything depends on how we mature from it. I know people who never mature at all inspite of their age. They could be 60, 70, 80 but they don't mature. Well, you definitely are not one of them. Your father should be seeing your growth and should be forgiving you and let bygones be bygones.

Thanks for that encouragement, longwait!

Anger is a pretty common expression of grief as is isolation. Having become a widower some years back, I mostly avoided the anger thing, but totally get the avoiding church thing. For me, it wasn't a change in my walk with Christ, as much as it is that there are about a million things church folks can say to a grievng person, and short of a few, most are more harmful than helpful. Similar things can be said about some support brochures and the like, grieving is a very individualized thing, so what might be helpful for person A is counterproductive for B and vice versa.

..... I really doubt that your Dad's upcoming marriage is a means of pushing you or your mom's memory aside. Rather it is likely his heart has expanded to welcome someone new, and in the process, maybe a window will also open for the two of you to reconcile. I've seen stranger things.

Thanks mnphysicist. Would you mind sharing a little bit about how God brought you through that? During the time you quit church, did you have at least a small Christian community? Or a few friends?

I agree - the feeling of being pushed away is more due to the anger than the marriage. Seems like turkle had solid advice on that.

 

[mnphysicist]

Sure, I'd be glad to... alas, what started out as a quick response turned into a small book, so I posted it up on my CF blog.

How God Brought Me Through Grief After The Passing Of My Wife | Christian Forums

 

[EnergonWaffles]

Sure, I'd be glad to... alas, what started out as a quick response turned into a small book, so I posted it up on my CF blog.

How God Brought Me Through Grief After The Passing Of My Wife | Christian Forums

Thanks so much mnphysicist! Really appreciate you sharing! That was really encouraging to read

I also quit "Sunday church" for a bit while mom was sick. It was emotionally exhausting and I dreaded the "how are you?" question. Like you, that didn't mean isolating myself from the body of Christ, though. God was so good - He provided a Thursday night Bible Study that became my new "church" and raised up amazing friends.

In fact, God used that time to redefine what "church" meant. I remember once I left the Sunday service because it was just too much, and two girls came along. A little while later, a third girl walked up with the communion supplies...she saw us leave and took them off a communion station. We had communion outside sitting in the grass, talking and laughing.

That was when God showed me that I was still in church- we just weren't in the building!

He's so good!