Dealing with a Difficult EX

[jenptcfan]

Hi Everyone,

I'm really having a difficult time lately dealing with a guy who I went out with for about 2 months this past summer. When we stopped dating, I don't think we had any ill feelings toward one another, but since that time he has done everything in his power to be totally annoying towards me. He and I attend the same church and are both involved in our very small (about 6 or 7 people) singles group...otherwise this might not be a problem.

I get an email from him just about every day (at work no less!) with some kind of statement to get me riled up. One day he emailed me and said: "No offense, but your chubby, bald, ex-boyfriend (a guy I was with for a long time previous to ever meeting this guy) isn't too terribly attractive. You need some help in that department." This was upsetting because he's never even seen the guy and the guy and I are still friends. Plus that's just rude anyway and there was no apparent reason for him to say that.

He's repeatedly figured out ways to get in touch with friends of mine that he's never even met and tried to hook them up on blind dates (he tries to hook everyone up on blind dates: two random single people = perfect match!)--this continues even after my friends have told him that they aren't interested in having him hook them up with anyone.

I feel like he's constantly watching me at church to find something to email me about. For instance, he emailed me one day telling me I'm not a good Christian because a new girl to the singles group sat on the same pew with him and I didn't come sit with her.

I've coordinated a trip to dinner and a movie for the singles and had sent out an email saying I would probably leave a little early so I could get to the restaurant and get a table for all of us because we're going to be strapped for time. He emailed back and said: "in otherwords,
you will leave (single guy without a car) and (single guy without a car's) friend up to someone else so you don't have to hassle with it."

I've just had it! I've tried being nice to him, I've tried being NOT nice to him, I've tried ignoring him, and nothing seems to change the situation. I don't initiate any communication between the two of us, and yet he seems to find something at least every other day to email me about. Today when I responded to the above quote, he wrote back and said he was just trying to mess with me because it's cheap and easy entertainment.

What the heck am I supposed to do?

 

[fishstix]

Block his emails.

 

[Kirisutokyoo-shinja]

Block his emails.

I agree. You aren't to be the "object of his cheap entertainment".
And it isn't Christlike of him at, how ironic.

Ever ask him why he does it? Just cheap entertainment, sounds like
another answer to rile, yet not truthful. Or perhaps it is, and there is
motive supporting efforts to rile you.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

exes can suck...yes indeedy (sigh)

umm...pray for the poor dude...sounds like he has issues. until then, block him or something.

 

[jenptcfan]

Block his emails.

I've thought of this, however, sometimes he sends notes out to the entire singles group to try to see if anyone wants to plan an activity, etc. and those emails are legit. I usually end up having to do the detail-oriented stuff in planning singles activities since we don't have a singles minister and the others are content to sit by and wait on someone else to be the organizer. So basically I need to be able to get the legit ones and not get the annoying ones. PLUS I think if I block him he will just start calling me all the time which would be about 10 times worse. He did mention the other day in the email that he griped at me for not sitting by the new girl "I started to call you and ask you what was up with that." So I'm surprised he hasn't started that already.

 

[fishstix]

I've thought of this, however, sometimes he sends notes out to the entire singles group to try to see if anyone wants to plan an activity, etc. and those emails are legit. I usually end up having to do the detail-oriented stuff in planning singles activities since we don't have a singles minister and the others are content to sit by and wait on someone else to be the organizer. So basically I need to be able to get the legit ones and not get the annoying ones. PLUS I think if I block him he will just start calling me all the time which would be about 10 times worse. He did mention the other day in the email that he griped at me for not sitting by the new girl "I started to call you and ask you what was up with that." So I'm surprised he hasn't started that already.

Well, you may have to ask one other person in the group to forward the legit emails to you. And you can block phone calls too or get call display and just not answer his calls.

 

[Krystina661]

He sounds like a jerk. This has happened to me quite a few times.. and trust me.. I know how you feel. You have to COMPLETELY ignore him as best you can. Don't give him any attention at all. Have you told him already not to send you any emails and not to call anymore? If you don't make it clear, its probably only going to get worse.

 

[klewlis]

Well, you may have to ask one other person in the group to forward the legit emails to you. And you can block phone calls too or get call display and just not answer his calls.

I agree. Block his emails and phone calls, and then get someone else to let you know if something important is going on.

And maybe consider telling the boy why you're doing it--be up front and tell him he's acting like a jerk and you're not going to put up with it. Of course there's a fine line there that has to be found between being blunt and being mean, but that can be found with thought and prayer.

If that doesn't help, I'd say follow the Matthew 18 pattern (well, follow it anyway .

 

[LifeInYou]

How.....lame of him.

Sorry

You may have to sacrifice attending all of the singles activities (particularly the ones initiated by him) in order to steer clear of him.

 

[Ceris]

Sorry, wish I could give you some advice but what the other people have said does sound reasonable.

 

[christeagleian]

In 1998 I got involved with a person whom I thought was perfect. Little did I know how wrong I was. She was mentally and physically abusive and controlling. Had me and her four children(from a previous marriage) moving from one end of the country to the other. She would not work so I was supporting the home. She would spend all day on the computer looking for guys. Moe than once I found nude pictures of men on the computer. In 2002 she engaged in illegal conduct which ended up getting me arrested. That was the end. I got out of the relationship real quick. A good side to this. Through the situation GOD showed me truly how blessed I was when I was with my first wife and my two children. We reconciled and will remarry on 18 April 2004 .Yeah I went through hell with this other woman(now living in Strasburg Colorado). But GOD blessed me with a reconciliation of my family. I praise HIM for it everyday.

 

[jenptcfan]

In 1998 I got involved with a person whom I thought was perfect. Little did I know how wrong I was. She was mentally and physically abusive and controlling. Had me and her four children(from a previous marriage) moving from one end of the country to the other. She would not work so I was supporting the home. She would spend all day on the computer looking for guys. Moe than once I found nude pictures of men on the computer. In 2002 she engaged in illegal conduct which ended up getting me arrested. That was the end. I got out of the relationship real quick. A good side to this. Through the situation GOD showed me truly how blessed I was when I was with my first wife and my two children. We reconciled and will remarry on 18 April 2004 .Yeah I went through hell with this other woman(now living in Strasburg Colorado). But GOD blessed me with a reconciliation of my family. I praise HIM for it everyday.

I'm glad to hear that you're reconciling with your wife! I wish you much happiness.


For anyone who might have prayed for my situation, thanks so much! It seems like things have been quite a bit better this week. It's so nice to have a peaceful week...it's been a long time since that happened (in reference to this situation)! He organized a singles function for next week, but he planned it for a day when I have other responsibilities and honestly won't be able to go, so it saved me the trouble of having to make up an excuse.

 

[PinkButterfly1980]

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Hi all! I'm new here. I had to reply to this one. I broke up with a real loser about 3.5 years ago (he was verbally and emotionally abusive). For about 2 months after the breakup, the guy just wouldn't leave me alone. Calls and e-mails came. He even drove by my house, had friends of his drive by my house, and also had friends of his call me. I actually had to threaten legal action in order to get it to stop. I would recommend that you immediately tell your pastor what is going on and then, in front of a witness, tell the guy that you want him to leave you alone and that his calls, e-mails, etc. are not welcome. If he still continues, check any stalking laws that might exist in your area, or call the police non-emergency line in your town and ask if what he's doing is considered illegal there. You bruised this guy's ego when you broke up with him, and now he doesn't want to admit that he can't have you. My ex was the same way. I wish you the best of luck in getting this guy off your back.

 

[SirKenin]

haha. lol. Sorry, but it IS kind of funny what you were saying in a sadistic sort of way, because he's acting like such a childish dummy.

Anyways, to be very serious, I would suggest switching your email to your providers email and using Microsoft Outlook to read it.

Once you have done that, you can create rules to filter out any kind of mail you like. If the mail isn't to a group, delete it. If it's from a certain person and it doesn't contain certain words, delete it.

Man, there's all kinds of things you can do with Outlook that most people never even think of.

Until then laugh at him, because he's acting like a nerd.

 

[fishstix]

You can set email filters in most email programs, including web based ones. There is no need to switch to Outlook to do that. IMO, Outlook is only good for spreading viruses.

 

[Lucubratus]

I'm in total agreement with Pink Butterfly. I hope you saved all those emails? What he's doing isstalking and harrassment as well. The advice about talking to the pastor of your church with witnesses and himself there...well it could make it worse, or it could work and he'd leave you alone. I've been stalked before and just ignoring it doesn't always work. Sometimes they also let off for a while and then come back to stalk anew when you least expect it. But I do think what experts on the topic say is mostly true - that to keep talking to them encourages them to keep on it. Quite a qaundry there...but the more people in your real time life know about it, the better chance you have to stop him if he starts up again.

 

[Sketcher]

Yes. I'm sure you've told him you don't appreciate the way he's treating you. If you haven't, do it. Then, if he doesn't stop, continue to follow Matthew 18: Do it again with one or two others within the group who you can absolutely trust, and if that doesn't work, then definitely get the pastor on his case. If he doesn't listen to the pastor, he can be kicked out of the small group, legal action can be threatened and taken, etc. You need to protect yourself.

 

[SirKenin]

I can tell you from experience that a stalker does not heed warnings.

I was stalked for months by an ex-girlfriend. I blocked her calls, she found a payphone and called. She wrote me letters. She called my friends and asked them about me and asked them to check up on me. She went by the house.

I called her parents and told them what was happening. They tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn't. We did everything in our power. I called the police. The police talked to her three times but couldn't get her to stop. We were on the verge of having her arrested, but I just didn't have the heart to see her arrested and go to court for it, even though the likelihood was that she would go through the court process with a mere slap on the wrist anyways. Likely it would be a "Don't do it again.. You can go now".

Harrassment is an extremely difficult thing to prove and make stick in a Court of Law unless they are repeat offenders, and a couple of emails don't cut it unfortunately. Going to your pastor probably won't solve it either. If anything it will exacerbate it.

 

[SirKenin]

You can set email filters in most email programs, including web based ones. There is no need to switch to Outlook to do that. IMO, Outlook is only good for spreading viruses.

Outlook has far more complex filters than any webbased program can provide. Outlook can far outperform any webbased system. You can also protect it from viruses by using any number of antivirus programs.

 

[jenptcfan]

Thanks for all the support, you guys!

He does seem to harass other people. It's not just me. He even calls it 'harassing' people, but apparently he thinks it's normal behavior. For instance, he's been organizing a get together for our church's singles group and one lady wouldn't answer his phone calls or emails that he was repeatedly leaving to try to get her to come. So then he emailed me and told me that she wasn't responding to him and I needed to 'call and harass her and see if she would come'. I told him that I'm not into harassing people and she knows when the activity is and, as an adult, she can come if she feels like it.

So I'm not sure that it's something that's specifically directed toward me. I think he just thinks it's an appropriate means to interact with others socially.

Another interesting twist that has come to light recently (this could be a really long story)...
In our church I had one particular friend who I always sat with in church, we sang together in choir, sat together in small group...everything. She's extremely quiet, so even though we spend that time together, it's been hard for me to get to know her that well. She's not big on expressing her opinions and mostly just sits quietly and agrees with whatever anyone else says. But she's a really sweet girl and she even invited me along for a family vacation this past fall, where I came to know and love her family.

All of a sudden, one day at church she didn't sit with me anymore. Instead she went and sat with this guy I've been talking about. She knows that I try to avoid being around him and she didn't give me any explanation. I was a little confused, but it started happening week after week...still no explanation. So I started sitting by myself, in the same section as them--it's closest and easiest to get to after coming down off the stage(?) from singing, but a few pews away generally. One day I actually did sit on the same pew as them (there were a couple of people in between me and him) and the next day at work I got an email asking "what's up with you sitting on the same pew as me? Every week me and (the girl) and (his family) make bets on where we think you will sit." Well that kind of hurt because I didn't understand why someone who was my friend would be joining in in making sport of me. Long story short, it became apparent that something was going on between my friend and him, but nobody ever came right out and said it.

Just last week she and I had a talk about the situation and she told me that she had dated him for about 3 months and he broke it off because he said he thought she wanted a more serious relationship than he wanted (she says she didn't)....but that they decided to stay friends and leave that door open in case they want to get back together in the future. Anyway, I told her that I didn't want her to feel awkward around me and that I'll still be there for her as a friend.

I don't know what to make of that because before she and he got together, he said horrible things about her (he didn't even know her really) and said she was crazy (because she never talks) and stuff like that, and I took up for her. And while he was dating her he was being annoying towards me. Then after he breaks up with her, he emails me wanting to know if I want to go to lunch with him, wanting to know if he can carpool with me to singles functions. What kind of position was that supposed to put me in? I would never take him up on any of that, but I think somewhere in his head he thought I would.