Dealing with a border-line personality mother

[lilly3766]

My mother has border line personality disorder (please look up this disorder if you do not know what it is or means). She is literally a text book case. Her disorder has made my life and the life of my siblings extremely difficult. Even as adults we still have the scars and are still dealing with her issues. Our mother gets angry because we limit our contact and interactions with her at times. It is not because we are indifferent to her or don't love her. It is because she can be verbally hurtful and cruel to us. She cannot maintain any meaningful relationship or job (because of her disorder). Medically, there is nothing that can be done except anti-depressants that could help balance her out a little. I've talked with a therapist about this disorder and he stated that my mother could get counseling or behavior therapy to help her learn new ways of thinking or behaving. However, as he predicted most people with this behavior don't enter treatment. My mother want go and even I could get her to agree to it she will not stick with it (more of personality disorder).

I need advice on how to deal with my mother. I will love her no matter what and I want abandon her. However, her borderline personality has and continues to reek havoc on me and my siblings. It makes us not want to be around her. It also reminds me of all the problems I had growing up dealing with a mother like this. I know it is important to let the past remain in the past and try and move on. I also worry about my mother because she is getting up in age and the only income she will have is social security no retirement because she has never worked anywhere long enough to retire.

I feel bad because my mother has lived so many years undiagnosed with this disorder and it effected her relationship with her children and even how we turned out as adults as a result. I don't know if my mother was born with borderline personality disorder or was it a result of her upbringing. My mother was adoptive as a baby into a large family. I don't know for fact but I think that she never felt accepted within the family (again is that true or part of disorder). She knows who her biological parents are. Her biological mother had other children who she kept but did not keep her. She had somewhat of a relationship with the biological father but that relationship was of a fragile nature up until the time he died 5 years ago. Has anyone else dealt with a loved one who has borderline personality disorder? How did you handle it?

 

[drich0150]

You have to realize that if you or your siblings could do anything without structured help, to help your mother you would have by now.. There are two things that will determine your ability to reconnect with your mother. Her want or ability to accept help from others, and how she implements that advise in her life. You and your siblings can influence some of her decisions, but all of the real effort will be totally Dependant on her to except or to decline the help offered to her.

Talk with her (All of you) in a non threating or hostel manor, maybe prepare a written statement and run them by each other so that you don't push any buttons or one of you doesn't use this time to "vent." Explain some of the behaviors and one or two instances to establish a pattern that leads you to believe she has BPD. and then directer her to some people in your area that can help.. (do your research before hand)

Don't be afraid to set boundaries and limitations and reinforce them with appropriate consequences.. These can be established through a consular or through your brothers and sisters if you don't want to see a consular.. But all have to agree and all have to enforce the boundaries in order for this to be effective. otherwise this measure will divide your family..

Just remember, if your mother is not open to help then you will have to make a decision.. To do what's right for you, or to continue to feed a self destructive pattern of behavior. Either way just be prepared to live with the consequences. Whether you stay or go in this relationship the cost to you emotionally will be very high.

 

[Elijah2]

There are many good GOD-anointed healing ministries that help those to overcome and conquer emotional, sexual, mental, and spirutual captivity.

Worldly treatment for spiritual problems make the condition worse.

As you explained I could see the problem.

It's a long hard road for any Christian, when they are not getting good and sound spiritual advice, because the spiritual realm has much to do with many problems. And I can vouch for that from my own personal experiences.

Sad as it is, your mothers prison walls around her stronghold from a hurting childhood is still there, and when the spirit of rejection takes hold it is the hardest of all spirits to overcome and conquer.

Many forms of Personality Disorders and Dissociation Disorders can be healed through good GOD-anointed counselling through a healing ministry.

Many times it's not a demonic force but and condition that is controlled by a inner person that has many personalities. they are referred to as "alters" in the healing ministry.

There is one ministry I have found that are tuned to helping those people to overcome and conquer these personalities through counselling and prayer. One such ministry is The Theophostic Prayer ministry.

See if you can get a copy of Neil Anderson books "Victory over Darkness", "Bondage Breakers", and "Set Free". These books give a good insight into how simple the enemy can take hold of a person's life through emotional hurts and rejection and trauma and abuse.

 

[madison1101]

It is possible for your mother to change, but she has to get cognitive behavioral therapy, and she has to want it. I did not change until my husband left me.

There is a great book for kids of borderlines called, "Understanding the Borderline Mother." My son read it, and it helped him a great deal.

My ex had my kids read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," which helped them learn to set boundaries.

Here is the link to those books at Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=understanding+the+borderline+mother

Another good book for anyone in a relationship with someone like mom is "Boundaries." It is by Cloud and Townsend.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=boundaries

My best suggestion is to pray for your mom to seek help for her disorder. God can move in her heart and have her see the need for therapy. Doing an intervention, with a pastor, or therapist there, could help her see the need. But, it should be bathed in prayer and fasting first.

God bless.
Trish

 

[angiekay0027]

My mother was diagnosed with BPD. It is really hard to deal with. At 13 I wanted to commit suicide, but I never went through with it. I kept asking God to help me through it. Now I am 27, and at times she can really hurt me. For a long time I have had resentment towards her. I am working on that with the Lord's help. Day by day I am getting over it. Keep praying for your mom. Give this situation over to the Lord.

 

[madison1101]

My mother was diagnosed with BPD. It is really hard to deal with. At 13 I wanted to commit suicide, but I never went through with it. I kept asking God to help me through it. Now I am 27, and at times she can really hurt me. For a long time I have had resentment towards her. I am working on that with the Lord's help. Day by day I am getting over it. Keep praying for your mom. Give this situation over to the Lord.

I would urge you to seek therapy, because it is so hard to learn how to develop your own sense of self after being raised with a mother who was or is borderline personality. I have a great, healthy relationship with my kids now, which I never thought would happen after I realized how badly I had hurt them before I got better.

Keep praying, and setting health boundaries.
Trish

 

[angiekay0027]

I would urge you to seek therapy, because it is so hard to learn how to develop your own sense of self after being raised with a mother who was or is borderline personality. I have a great, healthy relationship with my kids now, which I never thought would happen after I realized how badly I had hurt them before I got better.

Keep praying, and setting health boundaries.
Trish

My mother does hurt me from time to time, but I give it to the Lord. I love my life, and would not change anything that had happen to me from the past. It has made me the person I am today. I have great self-esteem, and doing fine in my life. I give the Lord credit because without Him I would not be where I am. Thank you for the post.

 

[madison1101]

My mother is a BPD case. She was wretched as a person or a mother. I have an older brother who is still deeply damaged from our upbringing but has managed to escape the house and join the military. When I left for college, my younger sister told me she would kill herself if I left her alone with my mother and redneck stepfather as the only protector of my (at the time) 3yo baby brother. The day after my high school graduation I opened a Child Protective Services case against my mother. By summer's end I had rescued my sister, but the state abandoned my baby brother. I re-file my case for him every 90 days like clockwork, which for now will not get him removed, but it keeps him on their radar and forces them to do weekly checks on him. I chose not to stay home from college to protect him because 1) she would have "won", and 2) I would have killed her and my stepfather. Seriously. And jail is not in my life plan right now.

Not knowing exactly how she hurt you, I can say that my mom molested my older brother and I, and I was the only kid who was too stubborn and discerning to buy into her lies. This made me the most despised of her children (my 16th bday she called me the abortion she wished she'd had), so I used that as a way to absorb the brunt of her ohysical abuse and keep her from beating the younger two. I have dealt with this by by being a mom to my sister, filing for twice weekly 30min phone calls with my baby brother, and writing 700+ pages of journals for my brother to read when he gets old enough. I never speak to mom, and when she attempts to communicate with me (with the sacchrine sweet "everything's better cuz nothing ever happened in the first place" voice and attitude) I repeat point-for-point what she did wrong to us, why it was wrong, why her lack of taking responsibility leads me to believe she is the same as ever, and why that means I will never stop fighting for my brother. She withers with inattention, so when I refuse to get emotional I deprive her of the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me. To her, and all BPD, ANY emotion means that they are relevant to you. It fee3ds the illness. Being cold and aloof leaves her with no recourse but to (hopefully) realize how twisted and pathetic she is. Hopefully she will realize she needs help. If not, we are not there to see or care, and my brother will soon be old enough to see what we see (he already has my discerning skills, so I am hopeful as long as she is keep closely scrutinized by the state and can't hide his beatings like she did with ours. She slips up, I get him).

SUMMARY:
-Ignore their pleas for emotional response.
-Never compromise what you know is true for the sake of avoiding a blowout with her.
-If she will not accept your boundaries, let her know she means little to you (even if it is not true), and if she won't play by your rules, you will cease communication.
-Respond to her always with cool aloofness, never anger, hate or sadness. Think of her as a tick that feeds on your emotional response. She gets more bloated and deplorable the more you react, and she will regurgitate more toxic insults and behavior the more you feed her.
-Acting cruel to her ("tough love") is the only way to cause them to see their need for help. Let her know her way doesn't work.

I give all of this advice not just anecdotally, but based on the culmination of what every psychiatrist, BPD specialist and book on the matter consistently advises.

Good luck, as you will need it (and LOTS of prayer and strength!!!)

Have you sought psychotherapy for yourself? I hear a lot of anger and resentment in your posts, and find that to be of concern. I notice you mention psychiatrists, but not psychotherapists, like psychologists or social workers in your list of experts on the advice you give. Try some cognitive behavioral therapy for yourself.

I do know that people with borderline personality can get better, and can heal their families. I did, at least with my kids. We have a really good, healthy relationship.

Good luck,
Trish

 

[Comequickly]

Hi. This is my first time. If you have a mom with a mental problem, you can't resist posting. I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but I have some suspicions. I've read books and websites and spoken to psychologists, but I can still only guess. Details in a book entitled "Understanding the Borderline Mother" seem to fit her like a glove.
It gets more complicated. My older brother has been diagnosed with bipolar. (You can imagine how worried I am about my own genes. I writing this with no humour.)
Nevertheless, my brother is a loveable, adorable clown with a nutty sense of humour, albeit scary depressions, while mom is like an intelligent poisonous snake bent on destroying lives. I know this sounds disrespectful, but it is really the most accurate way of describing her behaviour. It is something which only another child of a parent like that can understand.
The worst is not being believed about her weird behaviour. I spent years of my life trying to find one person to whom I could explain the scenario and who would respond: "Her behaviour is completely unnatural!" I so crave it, because it would mean that there is some reasonable person somewhere. Yet the only thing I ever achieved was for people to say: "Just forget all about it. Put it behind you."
How do you put all those nightmares behind you? Especially when it hasn't stopped. I can't dare to speak to her on the phone for longer than about 3 minutes, then the abuse and emotional manipulation starts again.
She completely lacks insight into her behaviour. She doesn't think it is weird or harmful or anything. She has never admitted to doing anything wrong in her life, but I of course am plenty bad, stupid, mad, useless, wrong etc.
My only solution has been to take complete control of the times we communicate. (This might be helpful to someone here.) Firstly, I haven't been to her house since 1999. The reason is dangerous false accusations, and she has been know to phone the police with false accusations. Also, to show that I am in control. Secondly, she isn't allowed to visit me. Thirdly, I phone her, not the other way around. And then I end the conversation as soon as she gets abusive or manipulative. (After years of this, she hasn't learnt anything.)
I spent the first 32 years of my life in miserable ignorance, believing that I am a useless mess. Then I had my own daughter, and realised that no loving mom would treat her daughter the way that I had been treated. As soon as my daughter started talking, lo and behold, grandma turned on her as well. The result? Grandma hasn't seen her own granddaughter for 15 years. That is how much I love my daughter. I broke the cycle. I kept her away from that brainwashing.
But nearly every day I am in agony because I can't love my own mom, have a normal relationship or anything. I wonder if God will forgive me for shutting her out. But I have no more reserves to deal with the abuse.

 

[madison1101]

Hi. This is my first time. If you have a mom with a mental problem, you can't resist posting. I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but I have some suspicions. I've read books and websites and spoken to psychologists, but I can still only guess. Details in a book entitled "Understanding the Borderline Mother" seem to fit her like a glove.
It gets more complicated. My older brother has been diagnosed with bipolar. (You can imagine how worried I am about my own genes. I writing this with no humour.)
Nevertheless, my brother is a loveable, adorable clown with a nutty sense of humour, albeit scary depressions, while mom is like an intelligent poisonous snake bent on destroying lives. I know this sounds disrespectful, but it is really the most accurate way of describing her behaviour. It is something which only another child of a parent like that can understand.
The worst is not being believed about her weird behaviour. I spent years of my life trying to find one person to whom I could explain the scenario and who would respond: "Her behaviour is completely unnatural!" I so crave it, because it would mean that there is some reasonable person somewhere. Yet the only thing I ever achieved was for people to say: "Just forget all about it. Put it behind you."
How do you put all those nightmares behind you? Especially when it hasn't stopped. I can't dare to speak to her on the phone for longer than about 3 minutes, then the abuse and emotional manipulation starts again.
She completely lacks insight into her behaviour. She doesn't think it is weird or harmful or anything. She has never admitted to doing anything wrong in her life, but I of course am plenty bad, stupid, mad, useless, wrong etc.
My only solution has been to take complete control of the times we communicate. (This might be helpful to someone here.) Firstly, I haven't been to her house since 1999. The reason is dangerous false accusations, and she has been know to phone the police with false accusations. Also, to show that I am in control. Secondly, she isn't allowed to visit me. Thirdly, I phone her, not the other way around. And then I end the conversation as soon as she gets abusive or manipulative. (After years of this, she hasn't learnt anything.)
I spent the first 32 years of my life in miserable ignorance, believing that I am a useless mess. Then I had my own daughter, and realised that no loving mom would treat her daughter the way that I had been treated. As soon as my daughter started talking, lo and behold, grandma turned on her as well. The result? Grandma hasn't seen her own granddaughter for 15 years. That is how much I love my daughter. I broke the cycle. I kept her away from that brainwashing.
But nearly every day I am in agony because I can't love my own mom, have a normal relationship or anything. I wonder if God will forgive me for shutting her out. But I have no more reserves to deal with the abuse.

Having been a borderline mother, I can tell you that the behavior you describe your mother doing is ABNORMAL, and WRONG for her to do. I can also tell you that in her mind and from her perspective, she knows no other way to relate or behave. Her behaviors were learned by her when she was younger, as a means of survival in a world she could not control during painful traumas she could not stop. That does not excuse what she is doing, but may help you understand where she is coming from.

My suggestion to you would be to pray specifically for your mother to get the psychological help she needs to heal and grow into the woman God intended her to be. If your mother is truly a borderline, she has a ton of emotional pain that needs God's healing touch, and she needs to find that healing as well as to learn the truth about herself, and her behavior, and change. She cannot do that healing and make those changes without God.

I also suggest that you seek therapy and work on healing your wounds as well. They are legitimate and God does understand and heal as well. I speak from my own experience. My mother is bipolar and I also suspect borderline, though I do not know for sure. She and I are currently estranged, by her choice, and I mourn that she is unforgiving and bitter toward me.

God bless.
Trish

 

[Comequickly]

Hi Trish, thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if you mean you have been a borderline mom or have a borderline mom? Your comments sound insightful and I would give anything to hear words like that from my own mom's mouth. She believes her delusions 100% and just denies everything when you remind her of her bizarre words and actions.
I do pray for her. God is answering slowly. He has shown me that she is not harming and hurting others just for pleasure, but because she believes her delusions. He has shown me that she has a mental illness, and I try to understand that she is not accountable. I even feel sorry for her sometimes.
But I don't think I'll ever be able to process the thought that a mother could try to harm her nearest and dearest so persistently over many years.
I do not believe that she will ever change. She is 77 and has gotten worse over the years. I don't know if she is saved either. Some of her beliefs are not Christian.
May God bless you for your loving efforts.

 

[madison1101]

Hi Trish, thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if you mean you have been a borderline mom or have a borderline mom? Your comments sound insightful and I would give anything to hear words like that from my own mom's mouth. She believes her delusions 100% and just denies everything when you remind her of her bizarre words and actions.
I do pray for her. God is answering slowly. He has shown me that she is not harming and hurting others just for pleasure, but because she believes her delusions. He has shown me that she has a mental illness, and I try to understand that she is not accountable. I even feel sorry for her sometimes.
But I don't think I'll ever be able to process the thought that a mother could try to harm her nearest and dearest so persistently over many years.
I do not believe that she will ever change. She is 77 and has gotten worse over the years. I don't know if she is saved either. Some of her beliefs are not Christian.
May God bless you for your loving efforts.

I am sorry to have not written more clearly. I WAS a borderline mother. I am no longer borderline.

As for the mental illness/accountability factor, I must share that my therapist NEVER allowed me to believe that my borderline personality was a mental illness. It is not a chemical imbalance, and I was not off the hook when it came to accountability for my behavior. He held me accountable for every single thing I ever did. No excuses, no mental illness clause. Borderline personality is NOT organic. It was a pattern of learned behaviors that I did to cope with emotional pain and inner turmoil. When I learned new patterns, I changed.

As for your mother, at 77, she may now be suffering from other problems related to aging.

 

[Comequickly]

Hi Trish
I appreciate your reply. I am interested to read your comments and admit that I am mostly in the dark with regard to my own mom. What I can say is that she might be borderline - she refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with her behaviour and there is no way that she would ever consult with a therapist or to get a diagnosis. Fact: she has delusions. Fact: a psychologist told me that her behaviour indicated psychosis. Fact: she has done things that are definitely not sane.
After crying, praying and researching a lot, I finally found a book called Understanding the Borderline Mom, which descibes her very accurately.
The insight you show would never come from my mom. I hear inner clarity and strength in your words. I praise the Lord for renewing you in the way he has done.
Blessings.

 

[madison1101]

Hi Trish
I appreciate your reply. I am interested to read your comments and admit that I am mostly in the dark with regard to my own mom. What I can say is that she might be borderline - she refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with her behaviour and there is no way that she would ever consult with a therapist or to get a diagnosis. Fact: she has delusions. Fact: a psychologist told me that her behaviour indicated psychosis. Fact: she has done things that are definitely not sane.
After crying, praying and researching a lot, I finally found a book called Understanding the Borderline Mom, which descibes her very accurately.
The insight you show would never come from my mom. I hear inner clarity and strength in your words. I praise the Lord for renewing you in the way he has done.
Blessings.

I have read the book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It was actually painful for me to see just how off I was in raising my children.

If I have any insight or strength, it is from God using an excellent therapist to help me heal and grow. I have done nothing to make myself well. The Lord has done a mighty work in my heart and behavior.

I empathize with your pain concerning your mother. While my mom was officially diagnosed bipolar when I was an infant, I believe she was also borderline, just never treated for it. She and I are now estranged, and I doubt she will ever let me back into her life. Her spitefulness runs extremely deep, and we had a falling out a month ago. She has gone so far as to cancel a trip to help my daughter when my daughter gives birth to my grandson in a couple of weeks, because we were supposed to travel together.

I hope you are able to heal and grow, and learn to love your mother in spite of her twisted thinking.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Comequickly]

Hi Trish
I'm so pleased to hear your testimony. It means a lot to me. Where would we have been without the Lord? He is our only hope.
Yes, the tendency "shoot herself in the foot" and "cut her own nose off" is strong also in my mom. The irony is that we could have been the greatest of friends if she had accepted me.
But God works in mysterious ways. He has given me a daughter with whom I have a good relationship. So I do enjoy a mom-daughter relationship, but from the other end!
Thanks for your comments and advice. Have a blessed day.

 

[Dorothea]

Hi all. I have read many posts here. It is comforting to read. I believe my mom may have BPD. I was given the book "Walking on Eggshells" to borrow over the weekend a couple months ago. I read about half the book in that time. Some of the behavior sounded like my mom's, some did not. I suppose that's normal. People don't always fit every single symptom of behavior problems.

Anyhow, I appreciate the responses from Trish. I have been praying for my mom and dad. My dad has taken such terrible verbal abuse the past couple decades, it's been painful to watch, especially for my sister who lives an hour from them. I live in a different state, so we are not close enough for continous contact, which is good in a mental health capacity for me and my family.

I will be praying she opens up to getting help. She too is the type who never thinks she is wrong, or at least won't ever really admit it. I believe she has said sorry to me once in her life. Since this July when there was a lot of tension with a family visit (my sister and her daughters came to visit us, and my family, my sister's family and my parents went to a park for a few days). Anyhow, ever since then, there's been a bit of a separation. I do not wish to speak to her, and I think she realizes that. She had started to use my sister to influence me, but my sister and I are on the same page, so she just tells me what my mom has said with regards to coming to visit and things like that.

The other day, I felt bad because I started to feel I wasn't treating my mom very nicely, or my dad who seems to be the casualty in this case. He called last night to check on me since we hadn't spoken in a couple of weeks, which is unusual, because until this past July, we (my mom and dad and I) would talk once or twice a week. He said he called to see how I was doing and to just hear my voice. Dad's been through two minor strokes and double bypass surgery w/mitral valve replacement in the past decade or so. It's been tough.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, indirectly. It's nice to see this forum here. It's quite helpful. God bless.

 

[mamie]

Lilly,
I will pray for you! My heart goes out to you, because I could have written that post. My mother has BPD, and as I look back on my childhood, I can clearly pinpoint when the disease took over. She has been BPD for about 50 years. My siblings and I are going through exactly what you and your family are facing, except that my mother is older--She is now 76 and unable to care for herself. She is in an assisted-living facility, but probably needs to be in a nursing home. She has been widowed for a little over 10 years, and has spent every dime my father left her, and racked up huge credit card debits (a symptom of the disease, as you may know). Medicare, my father's retirement, social security, and various other government organizations are picking up the tab for her assisted-living apartment.
As far as how to deal with your mother, I can only tell you what we have done through our experiences, and I'm afraid, it's not much help. My brothers and I do distance ourselves from her from time to time. She is hurt, angry, mean and defensive when we do it, but sometimes we must. Usually one of us "fades the heat" with her for a while, and tries to give the other two a break. Most of the responsibility unfortunately falls on my youngest brother because he lives in the same city she does. It has wrecked his life. My mother once had an excellent psychariatrist who had some experience in treating BPD's and he told me repeatedly that there was nothing we could do for our mother, and we needed to protect ourselves. That seems to go against what the Bible teaches, but he meant it in the sense that when I am convicted that I must do something for her, even though the situation is going to be painful and stressful, I do that thing. But I don't feel guilty when I don't do everything she demands, or when I must take a break from her. She is not going to be happy, regardless of what I do or don't do, therefore, I need to distance myself emotionally from the situation, and think about it objectively. Easier said than done! It was very hard for me to come to grips with the fact that she is not going to get better, because she refuses to admit she has a problem and do the work necessary to get better. Her disease has affected her physically--she has a serious addiction to prescription meds, and she needs knee replacement surgery now on both knees, but the doctors will not do the surgery because the chance of her doing the physically demanding rehab is very low. (She does nothing that is difficult, painful, or boring).
She has said some of the most hateful things to me, and I know you have experienced this with your mother also. It's not that I don't love her, but, I feel she is an obligation most of the time. Every few years, she may have a day when she is "normal" and I look forward to and treasure those brief times. She can be funny, charming and pleasant to visit with when she is having those times. The Word says that I must honor her, it doesn't say I must love her. I struggle with exactly where that line is---does God really want me to continually put myself in a situation where I am going to be hurt every single time? I know I have to forgive her, and I struggle with that on a daily basis. God always forgives me, and yet, I continue to do things that hurt Him. I don't have the answer to that. I will continue to draw strength and comfort from Him, and seek His will in dealing with her. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you, but it is a trial you will have to work out day by day. Don't feel guilty-as my mother's doctor told me, "you didn't break her and you can't fix her". I will pray that God will strength and encourage you, and give you the wisdom you need.
Hang in there!
Mamie

 

[madison1101]

Lilly,
I will pray for you! My heart goes out to you, because I could have written that post. My mother has BPD, and as I look back on my childhood, I can clearly pinpoint when the disease took over. She has been BPD for about 50 years. My siblings and I are going through exactly what you and your family are facing, except that my mother is older--She is now 76 and unable to care for herself. She is in an assisted-living facility, but probably needs to be in a nursing home. She has been widowed for a little over 10 years, and has spent every dime my father left her, and racked up huge credit card debits (a symptom of the disease, as you may know). Medicare, my father's retirement, social security, and various other government organizations are picking up the tab for her assisted-living apartment.
As far as how to deal with your mother, I can only tell you what we have done through our experiences, and I'm afraid, it's not much help. My brothers and I do distance ourselves from her from time to time. She is hurt, angry, mean and defensive when we do it, but sometimes we must. Usually one of us "fades the heat" with her for a while, and tries to give the other two a break. Most of the responsibility unfortunately falls on my youngest brother because he lives in the same city she does. It has wrecked his life. My mother once had an excellent psychariatrist who had some experience in treating BPD's and he told me repeatedly that there was nothing we could do for our mother, and we needed to protect ourselves. That seems to go against what the Bible teaches, but he meant it in the sense that when I am convicted that I must do something for her, even though the situation is going to be painful and stressful, I do that thing. But I don't feel guilty when I don't do everything she demands, or when I must take a break from her. She is not going to be happy, regardless of what I do or don't do, therefore, I need to distance myself emotionally from the situation, and think about it objectively. Easier said than done! It was very hard for me to come to grips with the fact that she is not going to get better, because she refuses to admit she has a problem and do the work necessary to get better. Her disease has affected her physically--she has a serious addiction to prescription meds, and she needs knee replacement surgery now on both knees, but the doctors will not do the surgery because the chance of her doing the physically demanding rehab is very low. (She does nothing that is difficult, painful, or boring).
She has said some of the most hateful things to me, and I know you have experienced this with your mother also. It's not that I don't love her, but, I feel she is an obligation most of the time. Every few years, she may have a day when she is "normal" and I look forward to and treasure those brief times. She can be funny, charming and pleasant to visit with when she is having those times. The Word says that I must honor her, it doesn't say I must love her. I struggle with exactly where that line is---does God really want me to continually put myself in a situation where I am going to be hurt every single time? I know I have to forgive her, and I struggle with that on a daily basis. God always forgives me, and yet, I continue to do things that hurt Him. I don't have the answer to that. I will continue to draw strength and comfort from Him, and seek His will in dealing with her. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you, but it is a trial you will have to work out day by day. Don't feel guilty-as my mother's doctor told me, "you didn't break her and you can't fix her". I will pray that God will strength and encourage you, and give you the wisdom you need.
Hang in there!
Mamie

You have just described my relationship with my mom, though she was never diagnosed BPD. I was. Through therapy, a divorce and other helpful changes, I am rarely that old borderline. Mom never really had therapy. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was born, and she basically bounced from one hospitalization to another, and acted terribly at times.

 

[mamie]

My mother was undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed for many years--everything from clinical depression to schzephrenia (I know I misspelled that!). It was the one doctor that had dealt with BPD's before that came up with the diagnoses. Unfortunately, she refuses to see him any more, and is now seeing another psychiatrist who is very handy with the prescription pad, which is what Mother wants. My mother is very intelligent, her I.Q. is very high, and it makes it easy for her to manipulate people, especially people who mistakenly believe that they are smarter than she is. I understand that manipulation is the way she learned to cope as child, but I also have questions about what she says about her childhood. She had one brother and one sister who have both passed away. Neither of them remembered their childhood the way my mother remembers it. I'm not sure that much of what she "remembers" is delusion. Her parents both died when I was a young child, so I have no idea what kind of parents they really were. You are the only person I have ever encountered that recovered from BPD, and you are a wonderful blessing to me! I don't expect my mother to get better, because she has never, ever admitted she has done anything wrong or taken any responsibility for herself and I know that is the first step. But it is good to know that you have recovered from this terrible problem and it strenghtens my faith. I don't know why God chose for us to have BPD mothers, but He knows what is best and I will trust Him.

 

[madison1101]

My mother was undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed for many years--everything from clinical depression to schzephrenia (I know I misspelled that!). It was the one doctor that had dealt with BPD's before that came up with the diagnoses. Unfortunately, she refuses to see him any more, and is now seeing another psychiatrist who is very handy with the prescription pad, which is what Mother wants. My mother is very intelligent, her I.Q. is very high, and it makes it easy for her to manipulate people, especially people who mistakenly believe that they are smarter than she is. I understand that manipulation is the way she learned to cope as child, but I also have questions about what she says about her childhood. She had one brother and one sister who have both passed away. Neither of them remembered their childhood the way my mother remembers it. I'm not sure that much of what she "remembers" is delusion. Her parents both died when I was a young child, so I have no idea what kind of parents they really were. You are the only person I have ever encountered that recovered from BPD, and you are a wonderful blessing to me! I don't expect my mother to get better, because she has never, ever admitted she has done anything wrong or taken any responsibility for herself and I know that is the first step. But it is good to know that you have recovered from this terrible problem and it strenghtens my faith. I don't know why God chose for us to have BPD mothers, but He knows what is best and I will trust Him.

My psychotherapist gave BPD a really easy to understand definition, which helped me to realize that I could recover. He calls it "a deeply ingrained, maladaptive pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving." In that it is a pattern, which is learned, it can be unlearned. Easy? No. Challenging? Definitely. Easy to relapse into? Most assuredly. I fall back into the patterns briefly, especially if I relapse with my alcoholism. I must work my AA program in order to stay out of the borderline patterns.

What helped me tremendously was being able to honestly see myself for who I really was. My husband left me almost nine years ago, and I about fell apart. God was gracious enough to open my eyes to the real me in my therapist's office, and I just about shuddered from the shame and embarassment. For the first time in 14 years of therapy, I cried in his office. I saw what I had done to my husband and children through open eyes. It was as if the scales had fallen off and I could see clearly.

I also had the blessing of studying for my Masters in Social Work to become a psychotherapist. My therapist feels I am uniquely qualified because I am able to be empathic to my clients in the hospital, especially the teens who have been sexually abused, as I was.

There are some excellent books. I am not sure if I mentioned them previously. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is one my husband bought each of my children prior to leaving me. Also, "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It does not excuse the borderline Mom's behavior, just gives context to it.

The most important thing is to pray for your relationship with the Lord to give you the love and acceptance that is lacking in your relationship with your Mom. Don't let her perceptions of you define how you see yourself, as her view is skewed and not as the Lord sees you.

Trish