Deal-breakers...

Deidre32 · Feb 1, 2015

Legal_Eagle said:
Yeah, that is true. What I have noticed so far about online dating versus regular dating is that people misrepresent themselves a lot in both places. Online (at least through eHarmony) You have the use of a matching system, a lengthy profile to fill out, and the benefit of conversing with someone before you meet. I'm pretty good at reading people, and this give me a lot of insight in how a person thinks and acts. The advantage to real world dating is that you get to see the person right up front. Unfortunately, everything else about the person is just speculation. It comes down to whether you want to know the looks issue first, and guess about everything else, or vice versa. Either way you get some people that are not very true to themselves (or to you). Ahhh, the fun of being single.

Yes, there's pros and cons to both 'methods' of dating. The other thing I have heard about with friends who do the online dating thing, is that one friend of mine found out the guy kept his profile active the entire time they were dating. She thought something was odd in her gut, and then decided to look, and he was also in one of the forums chatting a bunch of women up. Now, people can cheat in real life, just like online...but to me, online dating cheapens things, almost makes it easy for someone to copy/pasta the same exact lines they are saying to one person, to many.

I have trust issues enough, so...no thanks.

Legal_Eagle · Feb 1, 2015

Deidre32 said:
Yes, there's pros and cons to both 'methods' of dating. The other thing I have heard about with friends who do the online dating thing, is that one friend of mine found out the guy kept his profile active the entire time they were dating. She thought something was odd in her gut, and then decided to look, and he was also in one of the forums chatting a bunch of women up. Now, people can cheat in real life, just like online...but to me, online dating cheapens things, almost makes it easy for someone to copy/pasta the same exact lines they are saying to one person, to many.

I have trust issues enough, so...no thanks.

I have trust issues as well, so I can relate. I don't think that online or in-person changes the stripes on that zebra. For me, all it really changes is getting to the first date. Once you have met the person on a date, regardless of where you met the person, people will be who they are. I haven't seen people being more dishonest online; just less transparent in different areas. I don't know. For me, as a single dad, I don't meet as many people the traditional way. Work is a big no-no, and church has it's own pitfalls in meeting people. I've seen bad relationships at church demolish friendships, small groups, and even other couples. I like my work and church drama free

So what's up with the turtleneck pic? lol Mysterious urban camo? =)

ElizaRN · Feb 1, 2015

Deidre32 said:
Yes, there's pros and cons to both 'methods' of dating. The other thing I have heard about with friends who do the online dating thing, is that one friend of mine found out the guy kept his profile active the entire time they were dating. She thought something was odd in her gut, and then decided to look, and he was also in one of the forums chatting a bunch of women up. Now, people can cheat in real life, just like online...but to me, online dating cheapens things, almost makes it easy for someone to copy/pasta the same exact lines they are saying to one person, to many.

I have trust issues enough, so...no thanks.

People can be shady in person or online. I get what you are saying, though. I think sometimes people just send out mass generic messages to anyone they find interesting. It actually makes it easier to "weed" those people out. Like, if they can't take the time to read what I say on a profile and respond to it specifically, then they likely aren't that interested and it would be a waste of time to respond. This, at least, has been my experience when I have tried online dating before.

Texas101 · Feb 1, 2015

Legal_Eagle said:
Hey everyone. Some time back I posted about going out and trying the whole internet dating thing. So over Christmas, I signed up with eHarmony. I've been on five dates so far. Definitely nothing to get me excited about. I wonder though, if I'm being a little too tough on my dates. So far, I've come up with three major pet peeves (other than the obvious ones like faith, values, etc.). They are:

1) Not even saying thank you after I buy someone dinner. I mean, I know a guy traditionally does this, and I also get that some women won't even offer to pay. But seriously, is it too much to ask for a little politeness and gratitude?

2) People who failed to mention that the pictures of them on their profile were 5 years/50 pounds ago. I'm not a superficial person, but how can you start a relationship based on a lie?

3) Talking about all your ex's on a first date. When every story I share is met with, "oh, this guy I used to date was into that", or every story you tell is about other guys, the conversation gets really old fast. I know we all have history, but listening to stories about your other relationships is a real turn-off.

Am I being too picky? What are your red flags on a first date?

1) This is why I rarely ask them out a second time. I rarely go out for dinner on the first date. Why put out a significant financial outlay for something that is likely to not become something significant.

2) This is why I gave up internet dating years ago. The lack of honesty is the prime reason. Add too many fail to mention they have kids or are still married.

3) This is a good indication they haven't resolved their past.

For one of several known and unknown reasons if they're co-dependent, chemical-dependent, mentally ill, or financial wreck they usually end up on my door step. I mean that literally, to many stalkers.

No. You're not too picky. There appears to be a lack of respect and courtesy on the part of your dates.

iambren · Feb 1, 2015

Christian,nonsmoker,not a zookeeper. Those to me are reasonable filters. But having been divorced I can't help but learn a few things. My additional requirement is to "feel at home" with the gal. I mean after facing a stressful world out there I want to pull up in the driveway feeling that "ahhh" feeling. To be in each others arms where you know it's one place you are accepted and loved.

I miss and hope soon to share a lady like that; a love completed.

KitKatMatt · Feb 1, 2015

I tend to look for red flags first. Stuff that hints that the other person is very controlling, demeaning, or abusive.

Found quite a few crazies online, but hey, I also found a ton of crazies in real life.

I actually met a couple of cool guys on OkCupid, and I still talk to them all on Skype as friends (none of us worked out as potential partners).

Deidre32 · Feb 1, 2015

ElizaRN said:
People can be shady in person or online. I get what you are saying, though. I think sometimes people just send out mass generic messages to anyone they find interesting. It actually makes it easier to "weed" those people out. Like, if they can't take the time to read what I say on a profile and respond to it specifically, then they likely aren't that interested and it would be a waste of time to respond. This, at least, has been my experience when I have tried online dating before.

I see. Yea, it just seems like while it could work, there is just too much to chance. I have read some success stories with it though.

nick garai · Feb 1, 2015

If I find out that she is Mennonite that is a major deal-breaker.

Legal_Eagle · Feb 1, 2015

nick garai said:
If I find out that she is Mennonite that is a major deal-breaker.

Love knows no boundaries Nick... lol

Cearbhall · Feb 2, 2015

anewman1993 said:
Meh, my only "dealbreaker" is that she has to be a christian running after god not just in name only, and she has to be a virgin. The last one gets a lot of crap thrown at it so I only talk about it online, but the deal is I'm a virgin, I'm saving myself, its extremely important for me and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel as strongly about it. Obviously if she was raped or something and it was out of her control its different, but I'm not going to feel guilty about wanting someone who was willing to obey god and wait. I'm not judging me people who don't,( I have friends that have and lets me real the VAST majority of people 22 years old aren't virgins). So, yea. I probably just signed the internet death warrant with that.

No, I don't see any issue with people wanting someone who shares their particular values. That's normal. As long as you don't treat people differently based on this outside of the context of a romantic relationship (which you've said that you don't), it's not a problem. You aren't obligated to let any certain person date you.

Now, if you were a "born again virgin" and you weren't willing to accept another person who has had sex but is now committed to waiting until marriage, then it would be different, but you're not being hypocritical at all.

TheOliveSeed · Feb 2, 2015

iambren said:
Must be a Christian,must not smoke,must not be using her home as an animal shelter.

LOOL

TheOliveSeed · Feb 2, 2015

I've quite a number of deal-breakers. Where do I even start?

Nom De Guerre · Feb 3, 2015

RayofSun said:
I don't know if it would be a deal breaker, but poor manners are a huge turn off! Especially if it's a first date, because most people are going to be on their best behaviour, be a tad nervous, and so simply put, this is as good as it's going to get. If they aren't able to be polite and somewhat socially conscious then, when will they start?
I don't know if it is the fact that basic manners were somewhat drilled into me as a child, but now when people chew with their mouth open, or snap at waiters I can't help but cringe a bit.

Y'know, I miss those jitters...I've been out with so many ladies that I don't really get them anymore. Now, I just assume most girls are gonna be another carbon copy of one of the ladies I've been with in the past. Like women come with only a certain amount of settings or something...brutal.

I've lost respect for most people already, I'm certainly aware of that...it's weird.

Edit added: Not that I don't respect people, per se, but rather that I find myself viewing myself way outside the box; and don't have respect for lack luster minds I guess.

ElizaRN · Feb 3, 2015

Nom De Guerre said:
Y'know, I miss those jitters...I've been out with so many ladies that I don't really get them anymore. Now, I just assume most girls are gonna be another carbon copy of one of the ladies I've been with in the past. Like women come with only a certain amount of settings or something...brutal.

I've lost respect for most people already, I'm certainly aware of that...it's weird.

Edit added: Not that I don't respect people, per se, but rather that I find myself viewing myself way outside the box; and don't have respect for lack luster minds I guess.

Yikes. Brutal is right. I get feeling like all girls are just carbon copies.. I've felt that way about guys at times. I think, though, this is one of the things that makes it even more amazing when you find someone that isn't one of those carbon copies, yeah? Ooorr, maybe I am just hopeful (or hopeless ).

Dari0 · Feb 3, 2015

must not be using her home as an animal shelter, yes. No cat ladies!

quietpraiyze · Feb 3, 2015

Legal_Eagle said:
Am I being too picky? What are your red flags on a first date?

No you're not being too picky. Most people have a standard or should. I don't date but I won't spend time with men who...

1. If they have children and don't take care of them
2. Men who tear down their exes and/or women (or people in general)
3. Men who are bitter...ughhhh
4. Liars...can't and won't be bothered

There's probably more but those are major with me.

Messy · Feb 3, 2015

selfishness

vanillaicecream · Feb 4, 2015

I have a long list of deal breakers:

Lying
Over possessive/jealous type
Abusive
Chain smoker
Drug addict
Unhygeinic
Not a Christian
Disrespectful to his parents/family
Irresponsible or has no ambition in life
Waaay younger (or older) than me, because age does matter.
Narcissistic

Messy · Feb 4, 2015

vanillaicecream said:
I have a long list of deal breakers:

Lying
Over possessive/jealous type
Abusive
Chain smoker
Drug addict
Unhygeinic
Not a Christian
Disrespectful to his parents/family
Irresponsible or has no ambition in life
Waaay younger (or older) than me, because age does matter.
Narcissistic

I have a real short one, but it includes all of this. 10 years older would be okay, but not now, when the kids are older, otherwise I have a grumpy old man around who can't stand the noises, oh wait, then it's no use anymore.

Nom De Guerre · Feb 4, 2015

vanillaicecream said:
I have a long list of deal breakers:

Narcissistic

Actually narcissistic or, like most people tend to think, self aware with non-chalant traits?

Deal-breakers...

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