Daughters/development - two questions

[DZoolander]

Okay - so those of you that have raised daughters...a couple of questions (one general, one that's kinda bugging me).

We have a three year old little girl - absolutely precious. At three, she's already really fascinated with the concept of marriage. She's gone through discussions about whether or not she can marry her cousins, me, etc. Now - she has her first little crush on a little boy in her daycare and is asking about whether or not she can marry him.

Did your little girls go through a stage like that?

Next - and the one that's bugging me more -

The other day she was talking about the little boy she has her crush on...and she said "I don't think he likes me." When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm not beautiful enough."

That kinda tore my heart up.

Apart from the obvious - it's leaving me wondering how she already grasps that concept...and second...if that's a normal thing for a little girl to start thinking about at that age?

Did any of you experience stuff like that with your girls when they were little?

 

[akmom]

I have a 3-year-old daughter too, and a 7-year-old daughter, and I would say that is precocious. What you might consider is that some of this apparent "reasoning" might actually be parroting. Has she been read a story or watched a movie where a girl wants to marry a boy but he doesn't think she's pretty? I want to say that theme sounds familiar. I just can't think of a specific fairy tale.

My memory of being a little girl, and of watching my little girls, is that they love to act out stories. If they watch the Little Mermaid, they will be wearing pillow cases as veils and makeshift dresses out of blankets, and playing "wedding" for a week. They are mimicking that scene. Usually their brother is the designated groom, because he's there. For your daughter, in a daycare setting, perhaps it's another little boy who takes this role for play-acting purposes. And if he is a typical boy, he probably doesn't care to play wedding. (My son sure doesn't.) So his disinterest becomes part of the story. Why doesn't he want to play wedding? Because he's a preschool boy and they typically don't. Why doesn't he want to get married according to your daughter? Well, for the same reason boys don't want to get married in fairy tales, of course: she's not beautiful enough.

Does that make sense? I guess I would hesitate to call it an actual "crush" at age 3. Meaning, I doubt she is experiencing the sense of attraction and longing or heartbreak of rejection that girls do experience later on. The girls in my daughter's second grade class (where I volunteer weekly) were claiming to have crushes as early as kindergarten, but it still seems to be more of something to giggle about with other girls than any serious interest in the specific boy at all. My daughter claimed to have a crush on one boy, but wouldn't even invite him to her birthday party because he was "too boring" and "makes fart jokes." That doesn't sound like a real crush to me. Not yet.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, I doubt that her "crush" has the same "emotional" aspects that we'd normally attribute to it. She pretty much just talks about him all the time, and wants to include him into the stories that she has us make up at night. Kind of like..."Tell me a story about my birthday party, and is so and so coming?"

...and "can you invite so and so over?", and "is so and so coming?" and "can I marry so and so?"

One time I told her (when she wanted to pretend) to make believe I was the little boy and talk to me the way she talks to him (I was curious to see what her "skills" were like...lol). She said "ok", then proceeded to run and hide behind the couch. lol

"Do you ever talk to so and so?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"I'm shy."

"Well, it always helps if you actually talk to people."

lol

 

[ex-pat]

I think I would look very carefully at the sorts of things her daycare teachers and other parents of friends say. I cannot tell you how often I hear otherwise sentient adults saying how cute it is that so-and-so has a little boyfriend already. AND then compounding it by asking if they are going to get married. Also, there is always the three year old with a teenage sister who is Very Knowledgeable and spreads that around, too.

 

[akmom]

It sounds like she has good language skills for a three-year-old. If this little boy is more than a prop for storytelling and make-believe, maybe you can ask her what she likes about him? I'd be really curious what qualities kids thinks about at that age. My oldest didn't have any regular peer interaction, and my youngest doesn't have that level of verbal skills yet. I suspect ex-pat has the right idea about where this stuff is coming from.

 

[DZoolander]

Could be - my guess would be someone at school (although she is pretty Disney-focused and Disney is pretty "marriage" focused...so that could be it as well).

For the moment - she's our only one - so it isn't coming from any siblings (although her younger brother is due in a couple of weeks. Ack!)

Her verbal skills are really good for her age - maybe tonight I'll ask her about that.

 

[ex-pat]

Re: Disney-focus...Given that ever single Disney movie I know of emphasizes beauty, some by the name of the heroine, (think Belle and Sleeping Beauty...ok, her name was Aurora but who remembers THAT) or by repetition of the concept of fairest in the land, or by contrast with ugly stepsisters, or by the whole idea of evil witches being able to fool men by taking magic beauty potions, etc. it is no surprise that little girls have a positive or negative body image at a very young age. Disney is wedding focused, but not marriage-focused, and that is a distinction that should be drawn up and made clear in the youth of every little princess...happily ever afters require work and maturity. (Obviously, this is way too much of a concept for a three year old, but you would be amazed how many girls still buy into that when they marry).

 

[DZoolander]

Agreed in large part - although in Disney's defense - most of the newer movies really don't have that same "getting married" focus.

The last one I can think of that indulged in the "love at first sight" nonsense was the Little Mermaid. Belle pretty much didn't want to get married, but was open to it at the end. Aladdin - Jasmine didn't really want to get married either.

Her favorites are Brave and Frozen (and personally I'd prefer her to watch Brave over the two - although Frozen also balks at the old "Love at first sight" nonsense too).

She doesn't really care for the older ones - like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty (funny enough, our daughter hates it when someone says "Sleeping Beauty" and corrects them with Aurora), and she really dislikes the Snow White movie (probably because of the princess's voice...and I can't blame her).

That all being said - yeah - I agree that many people are too focused on the getting married part - and haven't really thought through what it actually MEANS to be married over the long haul.

 

[akmom]

She's shown an interest in the concept of marriage, but does she think she has what it takes to make it work over the long haul?

J/K

 

[LilLamb219]

My daughter wasn't interested in marriage at that age. I agree with the others who have said she's either imitating what she's seen (movies, tv) or she's listened to what others have said.

One thing that I would like to address is that when she says she's not beautiful enough, please give affirmation, which I'm sure you do...but also include other positive things about her. Let her know what she does well...how fast she learns something or is clever enough to figure out something, etc.... This will teach her over the years that she doesn't have to be something external to be wanted.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree.

I try to give a balance between things that are purely "physical" (things like "look at you! You're so pretty!") and things about how well she learns, how well she speaks, counts, how many words she knows, etc.

Because - like you said - I don't want her to think that the world revolves around just the idea of beauty, etc...or that it's what she should derive her self worth from.

I kinda believe in the renaissance (wo)man approach...be the best at everything.