Daughters/development - two questions

I have a 3-year-old daughter too, and a 7-year-old daughter, and I would say that is precocious. What you might consider is that some of this apparent "reasoning" might actually be parroting. Has she been read a story or watched a movie where a girl wants to marry a boy but he doesn't think she's pretty? I want to say that theme sounds familiar. I just can't think of a specific fairy tale.

My memory of being a little girl, and of watching my little girls, is that they love to act out stories. If they watch the Little Mermaid, they will be wearing pillow cases as veils and makeshift dresses out of blankets, and playing "wedding" for a week. They are mimicking that scene. Usually their brother is the designated groom, because he's there. For your daughter, in a daycare setting, perhaps it's another little boy who takes this role for play-acting purposes. And if he is a typical boy, he probably doesn't care to play wedding. (My son sure doesn't.) So his disinterest becomes part of the story. Why doesn't he want to play wedding? Because he's a preschool boy and they typically don't. Why doesn't he want to get married according to your daughter? Well, for the same reason boys don't want to get married in fairy tales, of course: she's not beautiful enough.

Does that make sense? I guess I would hesitate to call it an actual "crush" at age 3. Meaning, I doubt she is experiencing the sense of attraction and longing or heartbreak of rejection that girls do experience later on. The girls in my daughter's second grade class (where I volunteer weekly) were claiming to have crushes as early as kindergarten, but it still seems to be more of something to giggle about with other girls than any serious interest in the specific boy at all. My daughter claimed to have a crush on one boy, but wouldn't even invite him to her birthday party because he was "too boring" and "makes fart jokes." That doesn't sound like a real crush to me. Not yet.

I think I would look very carefully at the sorts of things her daycare teachers and other parents of friends say. I cannot tell you how often I hear otherwise sentient adults saying how cute it is that so-and-so has a little boyfriend already. AND then compounding it by asking if they are going to get married. Also, there is always the three year old with a teenage sister who is Very Knowledgeable and spreads that around, too.

It sounds like she has good language skills for a three-year-old. If this little boy is more than a prop for storytelling and make-believe, maybe you can ask her what she likes about him? I'd be really curious what qualities kids thinks about at that age. My oldest didn't have any regular peer interaction, and my youngest doesn't have that level of verbal skills yet. I suspect ex-pat has the right idea about where this stuff is coming from.

Re: Disney-focus...Given that ever single Disney movie I know of emphasizes beauty, some by the name of the heroine, (think Belle and Sleeping Beauty...ok, her name was Aurora but who remembers THAT) or by repetition of the concept of fairest in the land, or by contrast with ugly stepsisters, or by the whole idea of evil witches being able to fool men by taking magic beauty potions, etc. it is no surprise that little girls have a positive or negative body image at a very young age. Disney is wedding focused, but not marriage-focused, and that is a distinction that should be drawn up and made clear in the youth of every little princess...happily ever afters require work and maturity. (Obviously, this is way too much of a concept for a three year old, but you would be amazed how many girls still buy into that when they marry).

She's shown an interest in the concept of marriage, but does she think she has what it takes to make it work over the long haul?

J/K

My daughter wasn't interested in marriage at that age. I agree with the others who have said she's either imitating what she's seen (movies, tv) or she's listened to what others have said.

One thing that I would like to address is that when she says she's not beautiful enough, please give affirmation, which I'm sure you do...but also include other positive things about her. Let her know what she does well...how fast she learns something or is clever enough to figure out something, etc.... This will teach her over the years that she doesn't have to be something external to be wanted.