Daughter using profanity

heal103 · Sep 6, 2022

My 22 yr old daughter has sadly stopped walking with the Lord several years ago. She fully embraces the mindset of the world. This is very heartbreaking for me and I would love if you would take a minute to pray for her return to Christ. I am writing this because I need some advice. When she comes home to visit, she uses a lot of profanity, particularly Fbombs. I told her I do not want her using that language around me or in my home at all. It’s disrespectful to me. She doesn’t care and has no plans to stop cursing. She says they are just words and society decided which words are bad. I told her I don’t like it. I find it classless and vulgar. She ignores me. What should I do? How do I explain to her that this isn’t a request, I do not allow that language in my home and by her disregarding my wishes, she is disrespecting me

Sophrosyne · Sep 6, 2022

You have two choices, don't allow her to come to visit, or learn to ignore it. I've had to work with people that swear constantly and when I was working at one job in my late 20s I started swearing as much as everyone else. I decided one day I was more intelligent than that and could express myself a lot better with real words instead of swear words. Some people say that swearing is a sign of intelligence, I say it is a sign of lack of intelligence as people who have a large vocabulary tend to use it and swear words are too vague to completely express yourself with. Swear words can't harm a Christian it is the person that uses them the perceived harm arises.
Pray for her to get into a new group of people that don't swear as much as swearing is most often a peer pressure thing people often swear because they think it is cool.
One thing I could think of is when she uses a swear word, ask for more information of what specifically that word implies and do it often telling her that swear words are vague and often you have to fill in the blanks where the word is to figure out what you are saying.

Tolworth John · Sep 7, 2022

heal103 said:
How do I explain to her that this isn’t a request, I do not allow that language in my home and by her disregarding my wishes, she is disrespecting me

May I suggest that you write to her explaining that you love her dearly, that she is constantly in your prayers, but that she in ignoring your instruction not to swear in your home she is being rude and disrespectfull.
State that unless she is prepared to obey this instruction you do not want her to visit, that if she visits and continues to swear you will tell her to leave.
End by repeating that you do loe her, that you look forward to her visits and enjoy her company.

Love has to be tough, you will know from bringing her up that toddlers learn which parent never caries out threats of punishment.
This continues into adult life.

If she visits and swears, if she apologises at once let it go, but warn her, if no apology ask her to leave, even if it is in the middle of a meal or late at night.

Sophrosyne · Sep 7, 2022

Get a swear jar and make her put $1 in it every time she swears and use it to buy earplugs.

Kettriken · Sep 7, 2022

Perhaps if you told her it made you uncomfortable she would be more responsive. Sometimes young folks don't have much interest in being respectful but they might want to set you at ease.

I've also found that kids respond better if they are given a small space between requests. Mention it a few weeks before she comes over, that you get tense with ever f-bomb, but don't say anything else for a few months. Give her a few visits to try it on.

I will be praying for you, and pray for me as well. We are in similar situations.

Larniavc · Sep 7, 2022

heal103 said:
My 22 yr old daughter has sadly stopped walking with the Lord several years ago. She fully embraces the mindset of the world. This is very heartbreaking for me and I would love if you would take a minute to pray for her return to Christ. I am writing this because I need some advice. When she comes home to visit, she uses a lot of profanity, particularly Fbombs. I told her I do not want her using that language around me or in my home at all. It’s disrespectful to me. She doesn’t care and has no plans to stop cursing. She says they are just words and society decided which words are bad. I told her I don’t like it. I find it classless and vulgar. She ignores me. What should I do? How do I explain to her that this isn’t a request, I do not allow that language in my home and by her disregarding my wishes, she is disrespecting me

I think you need to ask yourself if this is a hill worth dying on. If it is- do what you would do to anyone else behaving in that way. Tell her she cannot come to your house if she carries on.

If you can’t face that you have to put up with it because if she can can’t find it in herself to not swear she’s not likely to change.

Around my friends I curse like a trooper but I never did around my Nan, mum or my wife’s family or my son (he’s seven). It’s the smallest thing not to swear even when you are used to it.

This makes mate think her use of language may be a way of showing you she is an independent adult.

If that’s the case, ignoring it if saying “yes, dear” without reaction might work.

Good luck.

levnishbar · Sep 7, 2022

Tolworth John said:
If she visits and swears, if she apologises at once let it go, but warn her, if no apology ask her to leave, even if it is in the middle of a meal or late at night.

In a previous church I know of a family whose mother in anger told her teenage son to "Get out of the house."

He obliged, and they only reunited around 60 years later just before his mother passed away. They utterly regretted the time lost forever.

Sometimes even when one is in the right, it is better to hold your peace.

heal103 · Sep 7, 2022

Tolworth John said:
May I suggest that you write to her explaining that you love her dearly, that she is constantly in your prayers, but that she in ignoring your instruction not to swear in your home she is being rude and disrespectfull.
State that unless she is prepared to obey this instruction you do not want her to visit, that if she visits and continues to swear you will tell her to leave.
End by repeating that you do loe her, that you look forward to her visits and enjoy her company.

Love has to be tough, you will know from bringing her up that toddlers learn which parent never caries out threats of punishment.
This continues into adult life.

If she visits and swears, if she apologises at once let it go, but warn her, if no apology ask her to leave, even if it is in the middle of a meal or late at night.

She is very much on this college graduate “high” of feeling more educated than we are (hubby and I both hold Masters degrees) and sees us as old with outdated beliefs. She stands by her view that profanity is made up of ordinary words that have existed for centuries and were deemed offensive and taboo by society and we became conditioned to call them “bad words” She also believes it’s a sign of intelligence and thinks it’s liberating to do and say what culture decided is bad. My response is still, I don’t like it. We just keep going around in circles

heal103 · Sep 7, 2022

Larnievc said:
I think you need to ask yourself if this is a hill worth dying on. If it is- do what you would do to anyone else behaving in that way. Tell her she cannot come to your house if she carries on.

If you can’t face that you have to put up with it because if she can can’t find it in herself to not swear she’s not likely to change.

Around my friends I curse like a trooper but I never did around my Nan, mum or my wife’s family or my son (he’s seven). It’s the smallest thing not to swear even when you are used to it.

This makes mate think her use of language may be a way of showing you she is an independent adult.

If that’s the case, ignoring it if saying “yes, dear” without reaction might work.

Good luck.

Thanks, that’s the thing. I tell her shes free to do and say as she pleases when in her private life circumstances….work, friends etc. but in our home in my presence, or at family gatherings, to please refrain from cursing. I feel very disrespected because she will make every effort to avoid offending friends by using possible micro aggressions but with me, her attitude is “too bad” ‍♀️

Sophrosyne · Sep 7, 2022

heal103 said:
She is very much on this college graduate “high” of feeling more educated than we are (hubby and I both hold Masters degrees) and sees us as old with outdated beliefs. She stands by her view that profanity is made up of ordinary words that have existed for centuries and were deemed offensive and taboo by society and we became conditioned to call them “bad words” She also believes it’s a sign of intelligence and thinks it’s liberating to do and say what culture decided is bad. My response is still, I don’t like it. We just keep going around in circles

Logic isn't going to get this solved, she has already decided her favorite peers are people who cuss and you are inferior to them. I don't find cussing taboo, I just find that the shock of hearing the words has worn off. There was a time in movies where they F bombed the whole movie I think Eddy Murphy and that time of movies were into cussing and before that was G damn everywhere. Personally I don't mind cussing if it is a caught up in a terrible moment like hurting yourself badly or getting totally upset beyond the point of going bonkers these instances are letting off steam and being out of control in the moment a more primal type of speech while "intelligent" cussing is an oxymoron IMO.

You are likely not going to change her mind as she has shown a lack of respect for your feelings, her feelings are more important than yours to her right now and this is more and more typical of people as schools encourage such destructive thinking.... selfish blaming of others and an inability to take accountability for ones actions.

Tolworth John · Sep 8, 2022

heal103 said:
She is very much on this college graduate “high” of feeling more educated than we are (hubby and I both hold Masters degrees) and sees us as old with outdated beliefs. She stands by her view that profanity is made up of ordinary words that have existed for centuries and were deemed offensive and taboo by society and we became conditioned to call them “bad words” She also believes it’s a sign of intelligence and thinks it’s liberating to do and say what culture decided is bad. My response is still, I don’t like it. We just keep going around in circles

Ask her does she use offencive language when speaking with her lecturors?
Tell her the rules of your home and if she is not prepared to obey them, don't come home.

Tolworth John · Sep 8, 2022

levnishbar said:
In a previous church I know of a family whose mother in anger told her teenage son to "Get out of the house."

He obliged, and they only reunited around 60 years later just before his mother passed away. They utterly regretted the time lost forever.

Sometimes even when one is in the right, it is better to hold your peace.

That is always possible.

How do you advice this parent?

levnishbar · Sep 8, 2022

The parent knows best the demeanor of the child, whether she can take a "Please leave" without taking it so personally and pridefully as to estrange them for a long time.

I haven't been a parent so I can't speak from experience in terms of instructing a child. But in general terms, God tells us what is good/bad for us and leaves it up to us to follow or disobey Him.

Enilorac · Sep 8, 2022

Boundaries. Is setting this boundary so important even if it jeopardizes your relationship with your child? Fresh college grads are possibly worse that fresh high school grads, they're really "smelling themselves".

Yes, using profanity has been shown to be a mark of high intelligence and honesty.
Swearing Is Actually A Sign of More Intelligence - Not Less - Say Scientists
Frankly, We Do Give a Damn: The Relationship Between Profanity and Honesty

mama2one · Sep 8, 2022

I'm sure you still want to see your daughter
however, it seems the swearing has become a habit

when she visits, each day take her out to Starbucks or a restaurant to talk and/or go shopping

it won't be acceptable to be swearing in a place of business so she'll have to control it or risk getting kicked out

she also could be "trying" to get you to react to her swearing.....maybe try to ignore it as much as possible

Enilorac · Sep 8, 2022

mama2one said:
it won't be acceptable to be swearing in a place of business so she'll have to control it or risk getting kicked out

Nope...profanity is all over. You'll hear it all over. Most folks don't yell it, but it happens. There are times I swear like a sailor (my beloved was retired navy and I worked for military contractors). I have to bite my tongue a whole lot in front of my students, but in the staff room, no holds barred. Yes, teachers swear like truckers in our staff room.

She may be just trying to get a rise out of you, and being a recent college grad she's all full of herself. My daughter was unbearable after she finished her batchelor's and even worse when she finished her Master's. She's calmed down quite a bit now, but those first couple of years were...well...it wasn't the language, I didn't care, but it was the attitude. Like with children, if you ignore certain undesirable behavior, they stop it. Part of why she cusses up a storm in front of you is because she knows she's getting under your skin. Stop letting her do that. Keep complaining and fussing at her and she may eventually give you the "all american salute" and that would be the end of that. Is it worth it?

enoob57 · Jan 22, 2024

I have given The Father prayer on your behalf... He is the only One who can fix complicated problems... the problem most do not understand colleges are only producing atheist today... I would highly council parents who love God not to send children there!

JAM2b · Jan 10, 2025

In enforcing your boundaries it doesn't have to be extreme. You don't have to throw her out of your house or refuse her visits.

You could simply refuse to respond to what she says when she curses or end the conversation. Try saying something like, "Your language is below my standard for conversation. When you are willing to respect my boundaries in my home we can talk. Until then I'm leaving the conversation." Then don't say anything else until she changes the words she is choosing. Leave the room if you need to.

Michael Z · Jan 10, 2025

You have every right to not allow the vulgar talk. But do it in a calm and firm manner before she visits, also reinforcing that she is welcome as long as house rules are followed. And if after that, if she disrespects you and shows up and ignores your house rules, let her know you will do whatever is needed on the next visit, including the force of law (or a husband), to remove her. Tough love is tough, but wishy-washiness is only a recipe for further disrespect. And keep in touch otherwise with calls, cards, social media etc.

And pray for her. Daily.

And yes, I have experience with this.

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