Daughter in Recovery...My Life is Spinning with Questions

[TaraN]

I want to apologize in advance if this is the wrong place to post about this...I just don't know how to navigate the whole world of being the parent of an addict. I'm not sure where to seek help and someone to talk to who can listen and guide with an unbiased ear. So, here goes...

My 20-year-old daughter has an addiction that I now know the name of to be "Love Addiction". When she is in a romantic relationship she will do anything - sacrificing her safety, family, friends, morals, values, character, and beliefs - to keep the person who she is in the relationship with. In her most recent relationship, she decided to stay with her boyfriend (who is still jobless, homeless, and prefers to couch surf and live off of others) rather than moving with us when my husband got a job 2 hours away from where her boyfriend lives. Within a month they had moved from Mississippi to Missouri without us knowing. Six weeks later we paid for her to come home and she dropped him off back in Mississippi on her way home. Within 2 weeks she was back with him. She moved back in with us several times over the last 8 months because he would cheat on her, get mad at her, etc. and kick her out of whatever friend's or family member's home they happened to be staying at. So, we would welcome her back and hope she would get it together. Since she has already graduated college, we encouraged her each time to get a job in her degree field so she would have more than enough money to have her own place. Over those several months, she stole a small amount of money from us, asked us for money saying she had no food, and sold all that she could to provide money for her boyfriend to pay his child support. What few possessions she did still have that were of any worth were stolen from her by his family and sold or pawned. Our daughter started smoking marijuana with the boy and at least dabbled in taking pills (we know now that the boyfriend's mother sales Xanax and our daughter got one from her at least one time). So, for all we know, she may also be dealing with some type of chemical addiction also.

The last time that our daughter left to go back to her boyfriend, I told her that I would not be sending her any type of assistance at all. I made sure that she understood that I was turning her and her situation completely over to God. If she needed food, gas, shelter, etc. she would have to figure it out on her own. I still talked to or texted her daily and told her to "Do Good". She knew that I was praying for her and I reminded her each time I talked to her. She was raised in church and knows that she has not been in God's will with her life choices. Within a month after she went back to said boyfriend, she and he were both in jail. Boyfriend was driving their $125 truck to take her to work. Boyfriend has never had a driver's license. The truck had no tag, they got pulled over, and my daughter and boyfriend switched places as the officer was walking up to the truck. Of course, the officer got to the window to see my daughter in the driver's seat after having witnessed them switching places. The officer then searched the vehicle and found some paraphernalia. He asked when they had last smoked marijuana and they told him the night before. My daughter had also taken a Xanax the night before. So, they were both arrested for DUI - it was her first offense. I found out about the arrest that night and called to speak with the judge the following day. She was supposed to only be in jail for 48 hours but, at my request after explaining the whole situation with their relationship, the judge agreed to keep her in jail until I could find an inpatient addiction facility to send her to. The judge was very familiar with the boyfriend's whole family and told me that most of them are either drug dealers, addicts, or both. So, she was very willing to help me find help for my daughter. My daughter sat in jail for 9 days oblivious to what was going on behind the scenes and why she was still there. By the time I found a place for her, the boyfriend had been bailed out by his family and was trying to reconcile with his little girl's mother. After hearing about her boyfriend leaving her in jail and moving on, my daughter was inconsolable and couldn't believe that she had "betrayed all of my family and friends and God. I have sacrificed everything to make him happy and he is going to leave me in here to rot!". Oh, how God works in mysterious ways. Of course, it broke my heart to hear my daughter in such agony and not be able to hug her or even see her, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was working to show her that HER way was leading to her destruction. Her "breaking point" came on the same day that I got a call from a Christian facility (that is the only type of facility that I even talked to) approving her for admittance as soon as we could get her there. I will forever be grateful to that judge for court ordering my baby girl to get help. I went the next day to get her - the judge waived any bail - and took her straight to the addiction facility. At that point, after what had happened the day before, my daughter was so ready to "get help with my problems so I can have a normal life and thrive. Momma, do you think I can still be a music minister after all that I've done?". Oh, baby girl, yes, you can still be a music minister with the fantastic testimony that you are going to have that God delivered you from years of mental anguish and from feeling that you HAVE TO do whatever you can to try to keep a male's love. Yes baby, you can Do Good.

So, yes! God answered my prayers when I FINALLY quit stepping in and quit taking the situation back. I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery from all of the hurt, mental torment, and any other issues that I just don't know about. But, in the wake of the deceit and destruction that our family has endured these past 8 or 9 months, other problems are now coming up. I am so heartbroken, confused, excited for my daughter, worried for my marriage, and scared.

My husband is the only father that my daughter has. He is biologically not her dad, but that is the only way that he is not her dad. My husband also has a son, I am biologically not his mom, but I am the only mom he has. He is my son. My husband and I are the only Mom and Dad to both our son and our daughter. I have said this because it may hold importance in the next issue I write about.

After recently going back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for the last 7 or 8 years, I am being considered for a promotion that could mean me working an hour away from home as opposed to about 2 miles from home now. My husband's daily commute is also 1 hour away from home (one way). The issue here is that our 15-year-old son is homeschooled, so both of us would be an hour away from him. The promotion for me would mean a very significant increase in income. I would change from being a part-time employee making less than $20,000 a year to a full-time employee making at least $50,000 a year. My husband and I talked and he said that he was not comfortable with both of us being an hour away from home in case our son needed us. My husband makes enough money for us to be stable and my income has been just for fun extras. It was important to us that we be able to take our son on different fun excursions on the weekends without having to worry about money since he is homeschooled. We don't want him to stuck in the house all of the time. The extra money that I make enables us to do field trips and such. I totally understand where my husband was coming from about me being so far from home when we don't NEED the extra income. The next paragraph will seem unrelated, but it totally isn't...just hang with me...

Since our daughter has been in the in-patient facility, I have been running over in my mind how things may go when she gets out. I have faith that she is not going to go back to boyfriend and is going to receive complete healing of her past hurts that cause her to crave male attention and acceptance. I also know that she has no vehicle any longer, very little clothing, no job, etc. The only place that she has to go is home - with us. With her family who should be supportive of her. While my husband and I were talking tonight, I expressed my excitement that our daughter still has the burning desire to be a music minister and may want to attend a local school of ministry when she is finished with treatment. She actually expressed that desire to me when I was taking her to the facility. She had already told us that she really didn't like the field that she got her college degree in. She thought she would like it, but half-way through school she realized that she didn't. She said that she went ahead and completed her degree and graduated because she didn't want to disappoint all of the people who were so proud of her for doing so well in college. My husband insists that the only way she can come home is if she goes to work in her degree field, which happens to be the same career that he has. She will make good money, but if she definitely has the call to be a music minister, will she be in God's will? I am thrilled that being in God's will is a huge priority to her now. But, my husband says that she can't live with us if she isn't working in her degree field and paying her share of the household bills. I told him that I didn't agree with him not caring about God's will for her life. He told me that if I didn't like what he had decided that I needed to find my own place and he wanted a divorce. Then he said that he would just leave. Tonight wasn't the first time that he has said that sort of thing. He has said it quite a bit since my daughter has been doing whatever she's been doing for the past 8-9 months.

Now, I'm not sure what to do. As if our disagreement on if she can live with us isn't enough, what do I do with the fact that he doesn't want me to work an hour away from home? I feel like it is going to be very important for our daughter to have both of our emotional support after she gets out of the in-patient facility. I am afraid that if he tells her she can't live with us then she will go searching for someone who can provide a place for her to stay - and the cycle restarts with her depending on yet another guy and doing whatever she can to keep him. But, from what I feel like my husband is saying, the only other alternative if she doesn't want to work in her degree field is for he and I to at least separate so she can come to my house. The amount of money that I make right now will not afford me to support myself so I will NEED to be in the supervisory role that the promotion at my work would put me in simply to make enough money to afford housing, food, etc.

I do love my husband. I don't want us to separate. He is a great husband and father. I understand the toll that her past failures have taken on our family. Believe me, I have lost countless nights of sleep, cried many tears, and cried out to God for her. I am angry about all of the hurt, loss of trust, her loss of innocence, my son having to see all of this and wonder what happened to his sister, I am just so angry and hurt. Then I am just confused and at a loss of what to do with all of this stuff going on between me and my husband. I am so tired...tired of losing sleep because my thoughts run away with me when I try to unwind...tired of always waiting on the other shoe to drop...tired of wondering what is going to happen with my life as fall-out from what my daughter chose to do. I'm just tired.

I feel like I am not leaving MY life in God's hands by worrying and stressing. How do I just ignore the things that my husband is saying though? Is it God's will for me to work an hour away from our son? I don't know. I don't like the idea of HAVING to make a decision based on if I'm going to be able to support myself if and when my husband decides that he no longer wants to be in our marriage though.

I know this is a super long post. I am so very lost though. My world is swirling...about the time everything seems to getting back to normal, another storm comes in. Please pray for my family's situation. I know that God is all powerful and can definitely work out this tangle of situations. I just don't know how to handle the confrontations until everything is worked out. I feel like I can't even talk to my husband about things that I am excited about concerning our daughter's recovery because I may stir up a bad feeling in him about it and end up divorced. Lord...please take this...

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I want to apologize in advance if this is the wrong place to post about this...I just don't know how to navigate the whole world of being the parent of an addict. I'm not sure where to seek help and someone to talk to who can listen and guide with an unbiased ear. So, here goes...

My 20-year-old daughter has an addiction that I now know the name of to be "Love Addiction". When she is in a romantic relationship she will do anything - sacrificing her safety, family, friends, morals, values, character, and beliefs - to keep the person who she is in the relationship with. In her most recent relationship, she decided to stay with her boyfriend (who is still jobless, homeless, and prefers to couch surf and live off of others) rather than moving with us when my husband got a job 2 hours away from where her boyfriend lives. Within a month they had moved from Mississippi to Missouri without us knowing. Six weeks later we paid for her to come home and she dropped him off back in Mississippi on her way home. Within 2 weeks she was back with him. She moved back in with us several times over the last 8 months because he would cheat on her, get mad at her, etc. and kick her out of whatever friend's or family member's home they happened to be staying at. So, we would welcome her back and hope she would get it together. Since she has already graduated college, we encouraged her each time to get a job in her degree field so she would have more than enough money to have her own place. Over those several months, she stole a small amount of money from us, asked us for money saying she had no food, and sold all that she could to provide money for her boyfriend to pay his child support. What few possessions she did still have that were of any worth were stolen from her by his family and sold or pawned. Our daughter started smoking marijuana with the boy and at least dabbled in taking pills (we know now that the boyfriend's mother sales Xanax and our daughter got one from her at least one time). So, for all we know, she may also be dealing with some type of chemical addiction also.

The last time that our daughter left to go back to her boyfriend, I told her that I would not be sending her any type of assistance at all. I made sure that she understood that I was turning her and her situation completely over to God. If she needed food, gas, shelter, etc. she would have to figure it out on her own. I still talked to or texted her daily and told her to "Do Good". She knew that I was praying for her and I reminded her each time I talked to her. She was raised in church and knows that she has not been in God's will with her life choices. Within a month after she went back to said boyfriend, she and he were both in jail. Boyfriend was driving their $125 truck to take her to work. Boyfriend has never had a driver's license. The truck had no tag, they got pulled over, and my daughter and boyfriend switched places as the officer was walking up to the truck. Of course, the officer got to the window to see my daughter in the driver's seat after having witnessed them switching places. The officer then searched the vehicle and found some paraphernalia. He asked when they had last smoked marijuana and they told him the night before. My daughter had also taken a Xanax the night before. So, they were both arrested for DUI - it was her first offense. I found out about the arrest that night and called to speak with the judge the following day. She was supposed to only be in jail for 48 hours but, at my request after explaining the whole situation with their relationship, the judge agreed to keep her in jail until I could find an inpatient addiction facility to send her to. The judge was very familiar with the boyfriend's whole family and told me that most of them are either drug dealers, addicts, or both. So, she was very willing to help me find help for my daughter. My daughter sat in jail for 9 days oblivious to what was going on behind the scenes and why she was still there. By the time I found a place for her, the boyfriend had been bailed out by his family and was trying to reconcile with his little girl's mother. After hearing about her boyfriend leaving her in jail and moving on, my daughter was inconsolable and couldn't believe that she had "betrayed all of my family and friends and God. I have sacrificed everything to make him happy and he is going to leave me in here to rot!". Oh, how God works in mysterious ways. Of course, it broke my heart to hear my daughter in such agony and not be able to hug her or even see her, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was working to show her that HER way was leading to her destruction. Her "breaking point" came on the same day that I got a call from a Christian facility (that is the only type of facility that I even talked to) approving her for admittance as soon as we could get her there. I will forever be grateful to that judge for court ordering my baby girl to get help. I went the next day to get her - the judge waived any bail - and took her straight to the addiction facility. At that point, after what had happened the day before, my daughter was so ready to "get help with my problems so I can have a normal life and thrive. Momma, do you think I can still be a music minister after all that I've done?". Oh, baby girl, yes, you can still be a music minister with the fantastic testimony that you are going to have that God delivered you from years of mental anguish and from feeling that you HAVE TO do whatever you can to try to keep a male's love. Yes baby, you can Do Good.

So, yes! God answered my prayers when I FINALLY quit stepping in and quit taking the situation back. I am so relieved that she is on the road to recovery from all of the hurt, mental torment, and any other issues that I just don't know about. But, in the wake of the deceit and destruction that our family has endured these past 8 or 9 months, other problems are now coming up. I am so heartbroken, confused, excited for my daughter, worried for my marriage, and scared.

My husband is the only father that my daughter has. He is biologically not her dad, but that is the only way that he is not her dad. My husband also has a son, I am biologically not his mom, but I am the only mom he has. He is my son. My husband and I are the only Mom and Dad to both our son and our daughter. I have said this because it may hold importance in the next issue I write about.

After recently going back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for the last 7 or 8 years, I am being considered for a promotion that could mean me working an hour away from home as opposed to about 2 miles from home now. My husband's daily commute is also 1 hour away from home (one way). The issue here is that our 15-year-old son is homeschooled, so both of us would be an hour away from him. The promotion for me would mean a very significant increase in income. I would change from being a part-time employee making less than $20,000 a year to a full-time employee making at least $50,000 a year. My husband and I talked and he said that he was not comfortable with both of us being an hour away from home in case our son needed us. My husband makes enough money for us to be stable and my income has been just for fun extras. It was important to us that we be able to take our son on different fun excursions on the weekends without having to worry about money since he is homeschooled. We don't want him to stuck in the house all of the time. The extra money that I make enables us to do field trips and such. I totally understand where my husband was coming from about me being so far from home when we don't NEED the extra income. The next paragraph will seem unrelated, but it totally isn't...just hang with me...

Since our daughter has been in the in-patient facility, I have been running over in my mind how things may go when she gets out. I have faith that she is not going to go back to boyfriend and is going to receive complete healing of her past hurts that cause her to crave male attention and acceptance. I also know that she has no vehicle any longer, very little clothing, no job, etc. The only place that she has to go is home - with us. With her family who should be supportive of her. While my husband and I were talking tonight, I expressed my excitement that our daughter still has the burning desire to be a music minister and may want to attend a local school of ministry when she is finished with treatment. She actually expressed that desire to me when I was taking her to the facility. She had already told us that she really didn't like the field that she got her college degree in. She thought she would like it, but half-way through school she realized that she didn't. She said that she went ahead and completed her degree and graduated because she didn't want to disappoint all of the people who were so proud of her for doing so well in college. My husband insists that the only way she can come home is if she goes to work in her degree field, which happens to be the same career that he has. She will make good money, but if she definitely has the call to be a music minister, will she be in God's will? I am thrilled that being in God's will is a huge priority to her now. But, my husband says that she can't live with us if she isn't working in her degree field and paying her share of the household bills. I told him that I didn't agree with him not caring about God's will for her life. He told me that if I didn't like what he had decided that I needed to find my own place and he wanted a divorce. Then he said that he would just leave. Tonight wasn't the first time that he has said that sort of thing. He has said it quite a bit since my daughter has been doing whatever she's been doing for the past 8-9 months.

Now, I'm not sure what to do. As if our disagreement on if she can live with us isn't enough, what do I do with the fact that he doesn't want me to work an hour away from home? I feel like it is going to be very important for our daughter to have both of our emotional support after she gets out of the in-patient facility. I am afraid that if he tells her she can't live with us then she will go searching for someone who can provide a place for her to stay - and the cycle restarts with her depending on yet another guy and doing whatever she can to keep him. But, from what I feel like my husband is saying, the only other alternative if she doesn't want to work in her degree field is for he and I to at least separate so she can come to my house. The amount of money that I make right now will not afford me to support myself so I will NEED to be in the supervisory role that the promotion at my work would put me in simply to make enough money to afford housing, food, etc.

I do love my husband. I don't want us to separate. He is a great husband and father. I understand the toll that her past failures have taken on our family. Believe me, I have lost countless nights of sleep, cried many tears, and cried out to God for her. I am angry about all of the hurt, loss of trust, her loss of innocence, my son having to see all of this and wonder what happened to his sister, I am just so angry and hurt. Then I am just confused and at a loss of what to do with all of this stuff going on between me and my husband. I am so tired...tired of losing sleep because my thoughts run away with me when I try to unwind...tired of always waiting on the other shoe to drop...tired of wondering what is going to happen with my life as fall-out from what my daughter chose to do. I'm just tired.

I feel like I am not leaving MY life in God's hands by worrying and stressing. How do I just ignore the things that my husband is saying though? Is it God's will for me to work an hour away from our son? I don't know. I don't like the idea of HAVING to make a decision based on if I'm going to be able to support myself if and when my husband decides that he no longer wants to be in our marriage though.

I know this is a super long post. I am so very lost though. My world is swirling...about the time everything seems to getting back to normal, another storm comes in. Please pray for my family's situation. I know that God is all powerful and can definitely work out this tangle of situations. I just don't know how to handle the confrontations until everything is worked out. I feel like I can't even talk to my husband about things that I am excited about concerning our daughter's recovery because I may stir up a bad feeling in him about it and end up divorced. Lord...please take this...

I've been there with 18 year old daughter who became depressed and addicted to prescription painkillers. I prayed for 2 years and saw her through cognitive therapy and finally rehab for 9 months. She went on a methadone programme with reducing doses each month until after 7 months she was off it. It was a miracle because the pharmacist told us that this is the first time she had got off methadone in such a short time.

What turned the corner was the Lord telling me to stop being judgmental, forget about the negative side, and speak just encouragement to her and keep on saying what makes us proud of her. I wrote a letter to her and I am sure it was inspired by the Holy Spirit because it was a major encouragement to her and she pinned it up beside her bed at rehab and read it every time her methadone dosage went down, suffered withdrawal for a couple of days, and felt quite miserable. She said the letter strengthened her resolve to see it through. Now she is 27, has half a degree in Psychology, a certificate as a gym trainer, and is work at a full time job in office administration. The bond between my daughter and me has remained very strong and she sees me as a very supportive father whom she can turn to when things get difficult. She has a very supportive fiance, 2 cats and 2 pugs.

I believe that prayer without ceasing (I prayed in tongues when I couldn't find expression in my own language), and listening to the voice of God as guidance on how to encourage her were significant keys in her recovery.

This was my experience and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel when you put your whole trust and faith in Christ to see you through.

 

[TaraN]

I've been there with 18 year old daughter who became depressed and addicted to prescription painkillers. I prayed for 2 years and saw her through cognitive therapy and finally rehab for 9 months. She went on a methadone programme with reducing doses each month until after 7 months she was off it. It was a miracle because the pharmacist told us that this is the first time she had got off methadone in such a short time.

What turned the corner was the Lord telling me to stop being judgmental, forget about the negative side, and speak just encouragement to her and keep on saying what makes us proud of her. I wrote a letter to her and I am sure it was inspired by the Holy Spirit because it was a major encouragement to her and she pinned it up beside her bed at rehab and read it every time her methadone dosage went down, suffered withdrawal for a couple of days, and felt quite miserable. She said the letter strengthened her resolve to see it through. Now she is 27, has half a degree in Psychology, a certificate as a gym trainer, and is work at a full time job in office administration. The bond between my daughter and me has remained very strong and she sees me as a very supportive father whom she can turn to when things get difficult. She has a very supportive fiance, 2 cats and 2 pugs.

I believe that prayer without ceasing (I prayed in tongues when I could find expression in my own language), and listening to the voice of God as guidance on how to encourage her were significant keys in her recovery.

This was my experience and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel when you put your whole trust and faith in Christ to see you through.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. This is the hardest thing that our family has endured, right behind the loss of my dad. All of the confusion and the unknown is so very frustrating. I am praying that God brings healing to our family. I truly feel that my husband's hurt heart just needs God's healing power. He has not seen our daughter since she left the last time to be with her boyfriend. He has spoken with her twice and was saddened that he couldn't go get her out of jail. I am searching for a Christian counselor near us for the rest of us to start seeing while our daughter is getting help. All of this is such unknown territory for us and is not proving easy to navigate.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. This is the hardest thing that our family has endured, right behind the loss of my dad. All of the confusion and the unknown is so very frustrating. I am praying that God brings healing to our family. I truly feel that my husband's hurt heart just needs God's healing power. He has not seen our daughter since she left the last time to be with her boyfriend. He has spoken with her twice and was saddened that he couldn't go get her out of jail. I am searching for a Christian counselor near us for the rest of us to start seeing while our daughter is getting help. All of this is such unknown territory for us and is not proving easy to navigate.

It is very difficult and demanding, because it is your "little bundle of joy" who is going through this. My daughter had a boyfriend who was very controlling and this made things a lot more difficult. I prayed that God would put a worm in the relationship, and he broke off with her when she went into rehab. It was very upsetting for her at the time. Because I was a victim advisor with my local court at the time, I shared with her about domestic violence and how a controlling spirit can be the cause of it, and when I shared the characteristics of it, she saw that it was exactly the same as she was experiencing, and this further strengthened her, and helped her in two subsequent relationships that fell apart. She realised that it was the guys who had their problems and was not because of her. She has now found a partner who thinks the world of her and is totally supportive of her, and his sense of humour matches mine! Every time he does something great for my daughter I tell him he is further up Mt Olympus nearer to the Greek gods! He says I am his favourite father-in-law and I tell him that I couldn't have a better son in law than him. They plan to be married later this year.

It is vitally important that you are totally supportive of her husband, in prayer and how you conduct yourself with him. Don't preach to him in any way. Accept what he is feeling and understand that his hurt is real. He needs to be encouraged not to be judgmental toward his daughter and not take her behaviour as something personal against him. He needs to do what I did: think about the things about her that makes him proud over her, and then say them to her, and resist any defensiveness if she doesn't respond positively at first. Chipping away at "the coal face" is better than trying to bust his way through it. Each supportive comment finds its way into her heart, and he will find that the bond between them will slowly be restored and be stronger than it ever was before.