daughter in law. Need help

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 15, 2012

This is gonna be short and to the point. I just typed a page and my computer deleted it. Lordy Lordy
My daughter in law is 100% a narcissistic person. She does not take care of my son.
No cleaning, no cooking, no paying bills and most important doesn't care about his health.
He works 90 hours a week and she does nothing except talk about herself. My son bought her a 20,000 car and top of the line to get her hair, nails and manicures done.
She does not work and no hobbys. All she will talk about is only herself. If the conversation is not about her she does not say a word. And I mean not one word.
When she has a health issue she goes to the emergency room. They have great insurance. She has no hobbies. She post on FB about her wonderful life and her hard working man.
They
go to very nice resturants EVERY night because he is hungry and she will not cook are even make a peanut butter sandwich.
I am keeping my mouth shut but I can't stand it. My son has no clue!!
I am not sure if there is anything I can do, but I usually don't keep unresolved issues in my head.
Any thoughts????

turkle · Mar 15, 2012

You are doing exactly what you should be doing: keeping your mouth shut. He married her, not you. The worst thing you can do is stir up trouble. Your son knows how she is. He will deal with her the best he can.

Henaynei · Mar 15, 2012

As a mother-in-law I have to totally agree with the poster above.
Except to add:
PRAY - not your will, but pray for your DILs salvation. Pray that G-d would bind their hearts to each other as one. Pray for your own wisdom and peace.

Anything else will only serve to sever your relationship with your son. If he is capable of providing for her as you stated he is no dummy and he's not blind. He sees in her something you do not.

b'Shalom {iPod touch w/CF app}

parsley · Mar 15, 2012

It sounds like he wanted a trophy wife, and is willing to pay what it takes to keep her that way. She is going to get bored! And so will he. Pray, and God will change hearts. And don't feel obligated to spend much time with her.

Forealzchola · Mar 15, 2012

How does he have no clue? Maybe its possible that he wanted a wife who sits around and does nothing. Like someone else mentioned, a type of trophy wife.

Publius · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
This is gonna be short and to the point. I just typed a page and my computer deleted it. Lordy Lordy
My daughter in law is 100% a narcissistic person. She does not take care of my son.
No cleaning, no cooking, no paying bills and most important doesn't care about his health.
He works 90 hours a week and she does nothing except talk about herself. My son bought her a 20,000 car and top of the line to get her hair, nails and manicures done.
She does not work and no hobbys. All she will talk about is only herself. If the conversation is not about her she does not say a word. And I mean not one word.
When she has a health issue she goes to the emergency room. They have great insurance. She has no hobbies. She post on FB about her wonderful life and her hard working man.
They
go to very nice resturants EVERY night because he is hungry and she will not cook are even make a peanut butter sandwich.
I am keeping my mouth shut but I can't stand it. My son has no clue!!
I am not sure if there is anything I can do, but I usually don't keep unresolved issues in my head.
Any thoughts????

If she's a Christian, then that makes her not only your daughter in law, but your sister in Christ and that enetitles you to confront her in order to hold her accountable. It also entitles you, as an older woman, to a certain amount of authority over her. If she's a Christian and you confront her and she refuses to repent, then you need to take it to another sister in Christ and confront her together. If she still doesn't repent, you need to take the matter before the church.

If she's not a Christian, then share the Gospel with her, pray for her, and ask her if she needs help. A lot of younger girls were simply never taught how to be homemakers and she may not know how or understand her responsibilities.

pdudgeon · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
This is gonna be short and to the point. I just typed a page and my computer deleted it. Lordy Lordy
My daughter in law is 100% a narcissistic person. She does not take care of my son.
No cleaning, no cooking, no paying bills and most important doesn't care about his health.
He works 90 hours a week and she does nothing except talk about herself. My son bought her a 20,000 car and top of the line to get her hair, nails and manicures done.
She does not work and no hobbys. All she will talk about is only herself. If the conversation is not about her she does not say a word. And I mean not one word.
When she has a health issue she goes to the emergency room. They have great insurance. She has no hobbies. She post on FB about her wonderful life and her hard working man.
They
go to very nice resturants EVERY night because he is hungry and she will not cook are even make a peanut butter sandwich.
I am keeping my mouth shut but I can't stand it. My son has no clue!!
I am not sure if there is anything I can do, but I usually don't keep unresolved issues in my head.
Any thoughts????

you haven't mentioned one very important thing....what are her parents like?

SamsoniteBaggage · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
This is gonna be short and to the point. I just typed a page and my computer deleted it. Lordy Lordy
My daughter in law is 100% a narcissistic person. She does not take care of my son.
No cleaning, no cooking, no paying bills and most important doesn't care about his health.
He works 90 hours a week and she does nothing except talk about herself. My son bought her a 20,000 car and top of the line to get her hair, nails and manicures done.
She does not work and no hobbys. All she will talk about is only herself. If the conversation is not about her she does not say a word. And I mean not one word.
When she has a health issue she goes to the emergency room. They have great insurance. She has no hobbies. She post on FB about her wonderful life and her hard working man.
They
go to very nice resturants EVERY night because he is hungry and she will not cook are even make a peanut butter sandwich.
I am keeping my mouth shut but I can't stand it. My son has no clue!!
I am not sure if there is anything I can do, but I usually don't keep unresolved issues in my head.
Any thoughts????

No offense, but it sounds like you are scapegoating her. No one is 100% bad.

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 15, 2012

She does not go to church. My son works really hard and has a good heart. He is trying to be like his Dad. A great husband. Trophy wife, not her. In his eyes maybe! I was asking because it is heart breaking to see my sons eyes so black from being so tired, and she is not taking care of him. You gotta see where I am coming from. She comes from a kinda lower class and wants the good life. I do love her but it is impossible for me to try and communicate with here. Like you said KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. She doesn't care about anyone else! My son, I am sure loves her and I will support him! I have tried to talk to her, I give her hugs and have them over for dinner and buy tons of presents.
I am a very positive person and when I am around her I feel so pulled down in a black whole. This is a post about how I can find peace. I can't change her. I will love her no matter what!!! Thanks for all your post and keep them coming.

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 15, 2012

What is scrapgoating????? You must not be a Mom

parsley · Mar 15, 2012

I don't think you have the right/responsibility that others might see, but I do think that you have a past bond with your son, where you could talk to him. You are feeling protective of him, so express that to him (not her). Talk about balance of responsibility, standing up for oneself, not getting walked over... what he can expect.

I am not saying that her job is to be domestic, but that any relationship will become embittered if members feel like work is not shared equally. If he wants to protect the relationship, he will need to encourage her contribute more.

SamsoniteBaggage · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
What is scrapgoating????? You must not be a Mom

The Israelies would get a goat, put the sins of their people onto the goat, then take the goat out and kill it, giving them forgiveness of their sins.

It is blaming one person for everything, especially when there should be no blame at all in the first place.

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 15, 2012

The only point I am trying to make here is that I would simply like to know that my son has a wife at home who will take care of him and to make sure he is healthy. He deserves to be respected for the hard work he does, not taken advantage of. I just do not like to sit by and see my son in poor health while being completely oblivious to the fact that he is being taken advantage of. I am not saying anything to him or her about this being that I do not want to cross any lines, only seeking usefull (not judgemental) help and guidence. Any possitive answeres here would be happily accepted.

SamsoniteBaggage · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
The only point I am trying to make here is that I would simply like to know that my son has a wife at home who will take care of him and to make sure he is healthy. He deserves to be respected for the hard work he does, not taken advantage of. I just do not like to sit by and see my son in poor health while being completely oblivious to the fact that he is being taken advantage of. I am not saying anything to him or her about this being that I do not want to cross any lines, only seeking usefull (not judgemental) help and guidence. Any possitive answeres here would be happily accepted.

Oh sorry. There are women like this, and men. It sounds like a case where the woman is a parasite and not contributing her fair share.

Such women learn to live by having no conscience, or little conscience. It is all a game to them, a bluff.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do but wait it out until she shoots her own foot, fatally.

Have you tried talking to your son about her?

Henaynei · Mar 15, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
The only point I am trying to make here is that I would simply like to know that my son has a wife at home who will take care of him and to make sure he is healthy. He deserves to be respected for the hard work he does, not taken advantage of. I just do not like to sit by and see my son in poor health while being completely oblivious to the fact that he is being taken advantage of. I am not saying anything to him or her about this being that I do not want to cross any lines, only seeking usefull (not judgemental) help and guidence. Any possitive answeres here would be happily accepted.

MAYBE you and your husband can express your concerns for your son's health and HIS need to more wisely balance his obligations by speaking to BOTH him and your DIL together, while making sure to avoid anything that might be construed as blaming or fault finding with either one of them.

b'Shalom {iPod touch w/CF app}

BFine · Mar 16, 2012

Mkgeorge3 said:
The only point I am trying to make here is that I would simply like to know that my son has a wife at home who will take care of him and to make sure he is healthy. He deserves to be respected for the hard work he does, not taken advantage of. I just do not like to sit by and see my son in poor health while being completely oblivious to the fact that he is being taken advantage of. I am not saying anything to him or her about this being that I do not want to cross any lines, only seeking usefull (not judgemental) help and guidence. Any possitive answeres here would be happily accepted.

*It is up to your son to talk to his wife about the "problems" that you mentioned.
Ask yourself this: "Why isn't he confronting his wife (in love) about
why she isn't keeping the home/preparing meals etc.?

It is time for you to talk to your son about his home situation.
...find out if his wife knows how to prepare meals/keep house etc.
If she doesn't would you be willing to teach her how to be a housewife?

Your son isn't clueless...he knows first hand what his wife isn't doing--the problem maybe that he is more like you...not sure of what to say or not say to his wife...cause he doesn't want to cross any lines or "rock the boat".

TamaraLynne · Mar 16, 2012

You are a very wonderful Mother in law and mom (((hug)))

As you already know this daughter in law is someone who your son has decided to share his life with...she sounds wonderful in that she loves him and cares about him.

number one....buy lots and lots of bananas!!!! Your son might have a health problem. (potassium deficiency)

I grew up in a large family and also had many children of my own so I have been very busy in the area of laundry and cooking and cleaning. But not all women have the art of keeping house and cooking like others do.But I am one to think it is a shared responsibility between husband and wife because usually both couples work....but if I had my way...I would want to be a stay home mom...I've had enough worries about daycare calling me from work and the school calling me from work...it is very stressfull to be a working mom and always worrying about losing my job because I've taken off of work for my children....

You know that they will probably be faced with many different things in life and their life will be constantly changing....

be a part of that change if you can...pretend she is your daughter....now maybe you and her can prepare a special dinner dish together once a month...

what if she was your daughter?......and you had neglected her all these years?....how would you make it up to her in the funnest most loving way? Think of it as a chance at having a new daughter.

I get the impression that you love her and your son...equally ...which to me is sooo precious.

Do they have kids? If not you would be preparing them....

Me...I'm ready for dinner out every night...sigh...Bora Bora sounds pretty good ...for real!!!!

But if they are young...hobbies really are not a thing...we fall in love with things as time goes on...like for me it is the Gypsy Vanner Horse!!!...but do not expose her to that! They are expensive and I'm sure she would fall in love with them!!! Hobbies sometimes cost money...but instead...love her and show her things in a loving way....you sound so wonderful as a person...(((hug)))

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 16, 2012

Tamara, thank you for reading between the lines. I will love her! It does break my heart. I have tried many many times to get her to get involved with cooking here etc.
I have came to the conclusion, I don't think it's gonna happen. SOOO I have to find peace with it within myself. I want you to know you have made my day. I will try harder!. I just was looking for some peace to understand how different she is from my hard working family. Thank you and God Bless

Zanting · Mar 16, 2012

Look to Jesus for strenght. Take time to seek his guidance through prayer before you have an encounter with her. Show the strenght of your convictions through examples, not words. It is very hard to watch our loved ones suffer. Terrible hard, I know. I have learned that I have to place my loved ones in Gods hands. I pray for them daily and then leave them in Gods hands. When I listen carefully to what my loved ones talk about, every once in a while I have an opportunity to plant a seed. God expects us to love everyone and sometimes that is very hard. Being angry and feeling hatred at times for those who are so selfish really only hurts us. Believe me I know from personal experience. It is also true that many very selfish people are very insecure. Listen carefully to what she is saying and maybe you can try talking to her about what her life was like growing up. Often the selfish behaviour began from something very painful they hide from. So instead, they behave as if the world owes them something. Like you said, she likes to talk about herself. Use this to help you understand why she has become so self-centered. In this way you can move away from the negative emotions you feel to one of compassion. And then you may be able to begin to plant Gods seeds of salvation into her heart. God bless and watch over you. Petra

Mkgeorge3 · Mar 16, 2012

Zanting, you are so right. I felt like there is something there in her past. It is so hard to be around her, but I will keep trying. I thought it was very strange that she has about 600 pictures of just her face on FB. Gave me the creeps.
That is the honest to God truth.
Thank you for your words of wisdom

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