Dating Help! Am I worrying too much?

[SusieJeanne]

Hello all,

thank you for taking the time to read this. I have come seeking some solace and helpful information with the boy that I have been talking to. I feel like I am worrying far too much, but I have been hurt before in the past and dating honestly sort of scares me now. I have been trying to just take a back seat and pray, but as I am a very anxious person, every little thing makes me worry.

I'll dive into my story now. I have been talking to this boy for a little while now. We met off ChristianMingle, where I have turned to after becoming fed up with the people I was meeting otherwise. He's rather wonderful and we seem to have really hit it off. He says nothing but nice things to me, including talking of going to church together and how he is comfortable with having six children as I want. He has even confided in me and told me things that he hasn't really told anyone else. As I write this out, I feel like I'm crazy for even worrying, but I suppose that is my problem.

He told me today that he had been talking to someone else but stopped because of how things were going with us. This was wonderful news to me, because I had in face also stopped talking to someone who liked me since having found him. Of course though, when I went online to show a friend his picture it said he had been online earlier in the day. I know this could have been for a million reasons and that he could have just been showing off my picture as well...

How do I stop myself from worrying in a time like this? It's so hard for me to accept that someone likes me as much as I like them, because in the past it has seemed to be so and then suddenly I was left in the dust. I know this is all part of the Lord's plan, but it is so hard for me to just sit here.

Any tips?

Thank you.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I didn't have much luck at ChristianMingle. Met my wife elsewhere online.

First to answer your question, your right it could be a million of different things. Maybe he was online reading old messages from you. Or looking at your profile. Maybe he was actually worried to and got on to see if you had been on since you talked. Remember worry happens on both sides online. Oh it could also be someone sent him a message and he was on to tell them he was already seeing someone.

With that said....I'll give you advice in general about online dating, its not an easy thing. Its risky because you never really know how someone is. Recently someone said "Why do you use the word met when you never met in person?". At first I didn't understand what they trying to say. Of course I met my wife online. Then I understood.... you can meet someone online and be the best couple ever. But once you meet in person, then you really see how things work out. Not that I am trying to worry you. Just saying at some point you two should meet to make sure you click in person. That and you will see what truths were real or not.

Though honestly even meeting can be not totally accurate because once your married your actually living together you will notice EVERYTHING. If they pick their nose, fart in bed, don't do chores alot...etc. It may sound silly but for some personal traits when living together can drive someone nuts. But most get over it thankfully. Well unless its something like they go to work then come home and sleep without showering. Eww.

I'd also talk about everything with him. Not only just about kids but about your belief system and your views. You don't want to marry someone who believes in God, but has different views. For example a catholic and a mormon would have VERY different views on things despite both believing in God.

My wife and I (when at the finance phase) talked about personal issues. From sex to personal habits. By sex I mean have they had it, what is their drive like...etc. Trust me for many sex can be an issue. It is good he confided in you about secrets no one else knows about. We did the same. Also remember down the road things will be give and take. He may agree to 6 kids now but people can change as married life goes on. Maybe money gets to tight for example and they don't have they amount of kids they want. Or maybe there is a "sexual" issue that is making it super hard to get pregnant.

Again I say all this not to worry you, but to remind you what a big deal marriage is down the road. Be 100% sure of who you want to be with. I mean obviously even with 100% doesn't m mean anything as time goes on. But you get my point.

If you have worries I do have perhaps the ultimate trust exercise for you both. I will say most find this hard to do just because of the risk involved. And to be fair my wife and I did this because we live in different countries so trust was vital. Maybe do this at the phase where you become more then bf/gf. Ask for each others passwords. I'm not saying you have to give them all up. Maybe just the ones for the ChristianMingle. Are you doing this to snoop? No. What your doing is essentially saying "I have nothing to hide from you, by giving you my password I am showing you my trust and I know you won't check out my account because I freely gave my password which shows full trust that you would not find anything anyways!".

Again this is very hard for some to do. Especially in a age of technology. Me and my wife at the time also exchanged FB passwords. But that was more so because people in her country have been known to scam people. So seeing their FB activity would show the truth. I gave her mine out of pure trust too.

I would tell you also maybe see a counselor about your trust issues. Especially if you feel like hes not hiding anything and its just your nerves. I am on anxiety meds. Which really helped after being hurt massively by three women I met online. Though at the time I was rebelling against God so it was partially my fault for dating them. It is not easy to trust after being hurt. But sadly its part of finding someone.

Also beware of rebound relationships. That was my mistake. After each hurt I quickly found someone else. We do this because we want to make the pain stop so we fall in love quick without thinking and we ignore red flags. Though in your case things seems to be good with you two.

Sorry for the long post but I've had alot of exprience in this stuff.

 

[REBEL CRUSADER]

"because in the past it has seemed to be so and then suddenly I was left in the dust."

Yeah, same here. That's a tough one. I struggle with this myself. I actually came across a program about this kind of thing the other day. Allowing someone from your past that hurt you, to cast fear in you, and determine your future is actually a form of idolatry. No one determines your future and your future relationships except for God Himself. That position doesn't belong to the last guy, or this guy, or maybe even the guy that comes along afterwards... or the guy after that.

Forgive those that hurt you in the past. Know that God has always, and will always, work in your best interest. Who knows, the hurt that person caused you in the past, may have saved you from a bigger mess with them in the future. Perhaps you even gained some wisdom from that hurt, and the ability to comfort and be compassionate to another that you find in your past shoes.

Your relationship with God is the only relationship that really matters, and far more than all other relationships past, present, and future. Keeping your relationship with God in mind, ask God to reveal if this is the right guy for you or not. Then trust that God will reveal to you the answer when He determines the time is right for you to know. Until then, don't go looking for His answer or signs for yourself (people always tend to go looking and only see what they desire to see). Put it out of your mind, and into God's hands. Go about your daily activities, and don't worry about it. It'll come.

 

[timewerx]

Getting a date, getting married, having kids can be quite overrated in this world.

I think you're worried because you seem to be giving it quite a lot of importance. But it's not as important as the world sees against how God sees it.

You can look for a date, discern candidate but don't worry too much. If someone seems to have issues, you can move on and look for another.

However, in your case, you seem to have nothing to worry about. What your boy did, there's very little to tell at this time he actually did anything wrong.

 

[Spirit Conqueror]

Hello all,

thank you for taking the time to read this. I have come seeking some solace and helpful information with the boy that I have been talking to. I feel like I am worrying far too much, but I have been hurt before in the past and dating honestly sort of scares me now. I have been trying to just take a back seat and pray, but as I am a very anxious person, every little thing makes me worry.

I'll dive into my story now. I have been talking to this boy for a little while now. We met off ChristianMingle, where I have turned to after becoming fed up with the people I was meeting otherwise. He's rather wonderful and we seem to have really hit it off. He says nothing but nice things to me, including talking of going to church together and how he is comfortable with having six children as I want. He has even confided in me and told me things that he hasn't really told anyone else. As I write this out, I feel like I'm crazy for even worrying, but I suppose that is my problem.

He told me today that he had been talking to someone else but stopped because of how things were going with us. This was wonderful news to me, because I had in face also stopped talking to someone who liked me since having found him. Of course though, when I went online to show a friend his picture it said he had been online earlier in the day. I know this could have been for a million reasons and that he could have just been showing off my picture as well...

How do I stop myself from worrying in a time like this? It's so hard for me to accept that someone likes me as much as I like them, because in the past it has seemed to be so and then suddenly I was left in the dust. I know this is all part of the Lord's plan, but it is so hard for me to just sit here.

Any tips?

Thank you.

Hi SusieJeanne,

Glad you're open about this, but I have to tell you here honestly, don't fool yourself about him saying nice things about you. Remember, anyone can say those things when they don't mean it. Even the devil is an extreme expert in this game.

I have questions for you,

1. How do you know that you're the only one he's talking to when he said he has stopped talking to another woman?
2. Even if you're going to be his girlfriend, how will you know that he will not talk to someone else online while he's with you when there are millions online looking for someone?
3. So if you want to find out if he's genuine, do you think you can ask him for his profile logins to see if he's honest with you? Or do you think you can search for his profiles to other Dating Sites out there?

My advice to you, I would not encourage you to do that. You've just been hurt in the past and now you want to go back to that road again? That's what you need to worry about. But it's up to you to take the risk.

I've been there and done that. I have failed online. Meeting someone from online Dating Sites has almost cost my life few times. I've learnt a great lesson from it. And never went back there again. But of course, there are some genuine people in there, but it is hard to find them. Dating Sites are dangerous and are a risk to your health. Because there are many pretenders and fakers in there. Who knows if you find a genuine one? That's not always guaranteed.

I didn't found my wife online. I met her around where I live. And I got to know her well and went along from there.

Here's my 1 cent for you,

If you want to meet a genuine man, look around you, there are hundreds of them and who knows if they're single or not, or minding their own daily business, or busy thinking about other things? Just be a friend. Don't rush. Because you don't have to worry about everything. You will learn more. And that's how God wants you to do it - be patient. It is best to meet someone local or in your city, where you can learn more about that person every day instead of talking to a stranger online daily but never face to face every day.

Take care and Good luck.

In Spirit,

 

[SusieJeanne]

I didn't have much luck at ChristianMingle. Met my wife elsewhere online.

First to answer your question, your right it could be a million of different things. Maybe he was online reading old messages from you. Or looking at your profile. Maybe he was actually worried to and got on to see if you had been on since you talked. Remember worry happens on both sides online. Oh it could also be someone sent him a message and he was on to tell them he was already seeing someone.

With that said....I'll give you advice in general about online dating, its not an easy thing. Its risky because you never really know how someone is. Recently someone said "Why do you use the word met when you never met in person?". At first I didn't understand what they trying to say. Of course I met my wife online. Then I understood.... you can meet someone online and be the best couple ever. But once you meet in person, then you really see how things work out. Not that I am trying to worry you. Just saying at some point you two should meet to make sure you click in person. That and you will see what truths were real or not.

Though honestly even meeting can be not totally accurate because once your married your actually living together you will notice EVERYTHING. If they pick their nose, fart in bed, don't do chores alot...etc. It may sound silly but for some personal traits when living together can drive someone nuts. But most get over it thankfully. Well unless its something like they go to work then come home and sleep without showering. Eww.

I'd also talk about everything with him. Not only just about kids but about your belief system and your views. You don't want to marry someone who believes in God, but has different views. For example a catholic and a mormon would have VERY different views on things despite both believing in God.

My wife and I (when at the finance phase) talked about personal issues. From sex to personal habits. By sex I mean have they had it, what is their drive like...etc. Trust me for many sex can be an issue. It is good he confided in you about secrets no one else knows about. We did the same. Also remember down the road things will be give and take. He may agree to 6 kids now but people can change as married life goes on. Maybe money gets to tight for example and they don't have they amount of kids they want. Or maybe there is a "sexual" issue that is making it super hard to get pregnant.

Again I say all this not to worry you, but to remind you what a big deal marriage is down the road. Be 100% sure of who you want to be with. I mean obviously even with 100% doesn't m mean anything as time goes on. But you get my point.

If you have worries I do have perhaps the ultimate trust exercise for you both. I will say most find this hard to do just because of the risk involved. And to be fair my wife and I did this because we live in different countries so trust was vital. Maybe do this at the phase where you become more then bf/gf. Ask for each others passwords. I'm not saying you have to give them all up. Maybe just the ones for the ChristianMingle. Are you doing this to snoop? No. What your doing is essentially saying "I have nothing to hide from you, by giving you my password I am showing you my trust and I know you won't check out my account because I freely gave my password which shows full trust that you would not find anything anyways!".

Again this is very hard for some to do. Especially in a age of technology. Me and my wife at the time also exchanged FB passwords. But that was more so because people in her country have been known to scam people. So seeing their FB activity would show the truth. I gave her mine out of pure trust too.

I would tell you also maybe see a counselor about your trust issues. Especially if you feel like hes not hiding anything and its just your nerves. I am on anxiety meds. Which really helped after being hurt massively by three women I met online. Though at the time I was rebelling against God so it was partially my fault for dating them. It is not easy to trust after being hurt. But sadly its part of finding someone.

Also beware of rebound relationships. That was my mistake. After each hurt I quickly found someone else. We do this because we want to make the pain stop so we fall in love quick without thinking and we ignore red flags. Though in your case things seems to be good with you two.

Sorry for the long post but I've had alot of exprience in this stuff.

Thank you so much for your advice, it's really wonderful to hear about this sort of thing from someone who understands it from their own experience. Your words meant a lot to me and I will seriously consider all of them, especially the part about the passwords for later down the line. (Not saying that he is necessicarily the one, but for the future in general.) I definitely do think a lot of it is just my worry, and since I am on medication for anxiety and that sort of thing myself, you're definitely right about talking to my therapist about this. Thank you again! It means a lot to just be listened to and not thought there was anything wrong with this.

 

[SusieJeanne]

"because in the past it has seemed to be so and then suddenly I was left in the dust."

Yeah, same here. That's a tough one. I struggle with this myself. I actually came across a program about this kind of thing the other day. Allowing someone from your past that hurt you, to cast fear in you, and determine your future is actually a form of idolatry. No one determines your future and your future relationships except for God Himself. That position doesn't belong to the last guy, or this guy, or maybe even the guy that comes along afterwards... or the guy after that.

Forgive those that hurt you in the past. Know that God has always, and will always, work in your best interest. Who knows, the hurt that person caused you in the past, may have saved you from a bigger mess with them in the future. Perhaps you even gained some wisdom from that hurt, and the ability to comfort and be compassionate to another that you find in your past shoes.

Your relationship with God is the only relationship that really matters, and far more than all other relationships past, present, and future. Keeping your relationship with God in mind, ask God to reveal if this is the right guy for you or not. Then trust that God will reveal to you the answer when He determines the time is right for you to know. Until then, don't go looking for His answer or signs for yourself (people always tend to go looking and only see what they desire to see). Put it out of your mind, and into God's hands. Go about your daily activities, and don't worry about it. It'll come.

Thank you so much for your reply! I'm really thankful for what you wrote, you're right I really do need to give this all up to God. I definitely get very caught up in this sort of thing because of the way society makes me feel about them, but I will definitely do my best to let go. I know He knows my plan.

 

[Grandpa2390]

and how he is comfortable with having six children as I want.

How long were y'all talking before you got to this agreement?