dating and courting

[lawtonfogle]

what is the difference? Can someone please tell me.

 

[f U z ! o N]

im guessing dating is just having a relationship while courting is having a relationship with the possibility of marrying them? heck if i know
courting sounds more important LOL

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Generally
Dating is considered more to just have a relationship w/ the person of the opposite sex, just to have fun w/ really not much possibility of marraige.

Courting is where you are going out and spending time w/ the person to get to know them as a possible marraige partner in the future

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

Well, in my opinion, dating is going out with people you dont know, either with the purpose of just having fun, or fulfilling the need for companionship with no other purpose in mind, or maybe for the purpose of finding a potential mate.

Courting, on the other hand, is going out with - at least more often - someone you DO know, and are already close friends with, and from the very beginning, a mutual intention of determining if you should or shouldn't get married, and asking God whether such a marriage is in His plan. The idea is to have a Christian relationship...one in which the spiritual, mental, and emotional intimacy are well developed before allowing the physical intimacy to develop, in order to not make the mistake of many by letting physical intimacy cause a false sense of closeness.

While the following document on courtship i made may seem extreme to some, especially with the purity focus and boundaries listed, but it is super-tame and non-restrictive compared to where i got the idea of making a list from.

Here it is. sorry for the length...id do it as an attachment if i could

Courtship, in my own words, is a period of time in which two people engage in something like dating, but with the more defined purpose of spending time together in order to determine if it is God’s will and our own desire that we should get married (though many of the other thoughts expressed herein are taken from people wiser than myself). It is a time for increased friendship, fellowship, and romance. This is accomplished in part by the courtship being known by the community (i.e. church friends/leaders and parents) so that they can provide reality checks, protection, and accountability. We respect our parents’ opinions on the relationship, even though they have no final say in the matter (Prov 15:22: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed”). A courtship ends when the confidence in wanting to marry is 100% or one or both people decide that the relationship should not go beyond friendship. At that point, either a difficult road to recovering the state of friendship would begin, or a proposal would become imminent.

A God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship has two main priorities: to treat each other with holiness and sincerity, and to make an informed and wise decision about marriage. The roles of such a relationship might include, for the man:
1. Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.
2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.
3. Do little things that communicate your respect, care, and desire to protect.
4. Encourage women to embrace Godly femininity.
and for the woman:
1. In relationship with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.
2. Be a sister to the men in your life.
3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.
4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.

During courtship, love is shown, amongst other ways, by guarding each other’s purity and refraining from sexual/physical intimacy. Giving into lustful temptations will only lead to more lust; affection can be shown without excessive physical intimacy. To this end, a list of boundaries is necessary. That said, in a situation where the two people entering a courtship are extremely close friends already, such a list can be slightly relaxed, as the main purpose of it would be to protect the couple from letting physical intimacy be mistaken as love before high levels of intimacy in communication, friendship, and fellowship exist. With those in place, and in the presence of a list of boundaries which others will help the couple be accountable to, the boundaries can be somewhat relaxed. At what the boundaries are set is less important than not compromising them at all. It may be difficult to keep to these boundaries, but it would be worthwhile to do so in the long run.

The purpose of this list isn’t to limit intimacy per se, but is intended to
1. Save as much intimacy for the post-courting period as possible.
2. Test our willingness to maintain purity in the Lord’s eyes (despite past impurities, this is a worthwhile goal…actually, not only ‘despite’ but even more so ‘because of’).
3. Act similar to a fast, in that each time we think about going beyond the guidelines, we will use that as a signal to spend that time with God rather than in lustful thoughts.
4. Guard the direction and intention of our hearts to keep from having inappropriate desires.
And thereby:
5. Center the relationship on God and his plan for love rather than our own desires.

Such a list, in the case of _______ and _____, might look something like this:

1. We will not caress each other intimately. This would include
- touching or stroking each other's face.
- kissing each other’s lips,
- touching the front of each other’s torso (aside from hugging)
- touching each other’s thighs
but would not include
- rubbing each other’s back or neck,
- hand or cheek kissing
- playing with each other’s hair

2. We will not put ourselves in excessively intimate positions. This would include:
- lying down next to each other (ie on a bed or couch, as opposed to outside on grass),
- sitting on or resting our heads on each other’s lap,
but would not include
- hugging,
- leaning or resting on each other,
- ______ putting his arm around _____’s shoulder,
- holding hands

3. We will guard our conversation and meditation. This would include
- not talking about our future physical relationship
- not thinking about or dwelling on things that would be sinful now (for if you have a lustful thought, you have committed that sin in your heart)
- not reading or watching things related to physical intimacy within marriage prematurely.
- not showing affection in church


4. Actions that would become allowable after engagement would include
- touching, stroking, or kissing each other’s face,
- sitting on or resting our heads on each other’s lap

If agreed upon, such a list would be given to anyone we trust or spend lots of time around so that they may know our standards and help us be accountable to stick to them (ie roommates, parents, Christian leaders, friends we go out with a lot).

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Most often, people use the word "courting" because they think using the word "dating" is bad. In practice today, the two are basically the same.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

the practice, perhaps, but not the intent

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Pardon my bluntness, but intent alone amounts to a hill of beans against practice.

 

[KristianJ]

I agree with Gonzo - to a sensible Christian, there should really be no difference between the two. If you're doing it with the purpose of looking into a long term future, why can't the 2 words be interchangeable?

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

true, but look at the long post i posted above, and tell me if someone whos not a christian would agree that that sounds like their idea of dating. The 'standard' idea of dating is commonly going to bars and meeting chicks by buying them a drink. I agree for a truly Christian person, the two words should have no real distinction, but in general, i think the distinction is valid as a distinction between the concept of dating commonly understood by the general populace, and the concept of courtship understood in some similar way as my above post.

and gonzo...yeah, you're right. intent is nothing without practice, but by practice, i was more thinking along the lines of of the fact that two people go out on 'dates'. clearly, if one makes a distinction between courtship and dating, there would be huge differences in practice....for example, if you read the above long post, some significant and pre-agreed upon physical boundaries.

I think the mix up is that i was differentiating christian courtship and the common idea of dating, whereas you guys may have been interpreting it as the difference between christian courtship and christian dating....which, of course, there shouldnt really be a difference.

 

[KristianJ]

true, but look at the long post i posted above, and tell me if someone whos not a christian would agree that that sounds like their idea of dating. The 'standard' idea of dating is commonly going to bars and meeting chicks by buying them a drink. I agree for a truly Christian person, the two words should have no real distinction, but in general, i think the distinction is valid as a distinction between the concept of dating commonly understood by the general populace, and the concept of courtship understood in some similar way as my above post.

and gonzo...yeah, you're right. intent is nothing without practice, but by practice, i was more thinking along the lines of of the fact that two people go out on 'dates'. clearly, if one makes a distinction between courtship and dating, there would be huge differences in practice....for example, if you read the above long post, some significant and pre-agreed upon physical boundaries.

I think the mix up is that i was differentiating christian courtship and the common idea of dating, whereas you guys may have been interpreting it as the difference between christian courtship and christian dating....which, of course, there shouldnt really be a difference.

Well, yeah - I for sure agree that the common idea of dating is far removed from what the Christian notion should be. And I've read your document before and think it has many merits But conceptually, I was probably thinking more along the lines of a God-centered example of both dating and courting, and I'd say Gonzo was heading along the same path.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

glad to see we agree on what we dont disagree on ;-)

 

[lawtonfogle]

The law of CF

Ask a question, get a discussion.
Ask a discussion, get insults.
Ask for insults, .... (well no one seems to reply to those).

but i read that long post, which was short compared to books i read. Now i will sit back and let those who know better discuss.

 

[KristianJ]

The law of CF

Ask a question, get a discussion.
Ask a discussion, get insults.
Ask for insults, .... (well no one seems to reply to those).

but i read that long post, which was short compared to books i read. Now i will sit back and let those who know better discuss.

If it were simpler, then nobody would have any reason to ask questions - it doesn't matter how simple the question might appear to be to answer, you're going to get people discussing it. There are no simple answers when it comes to this. Nobody here knows better than any other person, and that's why I think discussions are positive here. There have been no insults so far in this thread and I speak from my capacity as a moderator of this forum. So I think that we can continue in an attitude of friendly discussion and remember that there is no right or wrong answer. *returning the thread to the original topic...*

 

[Spurling]

what is the difference? Can someone please tell me.

Dating is the world's love scheme/scam. It means you date lots of people until you get the "right one." It's a game of hit and miss, kinda like Battleship.

Courting generally means you've known the person for a long time, you're friends, you've observed their character, and she's the type of girl you could marry, so you start courting her. There is more family involvement than with dating. My GF and I rarely go on dates; most of the time we hang out with friends or spend time with each other's families. We believe courtship isn't a private relationship -- it's a church/family project.

Simply put, dating = relationships based on attraction; courting = relationship based on character.

Now, some people will argue the term 'dating' can be used the same as courting, which is true. But I think it's a good idea to keep the terms separate in order to distinguish the two.

~Spurling