Dating a friend

[bms123]

Hello,

First post here. I am going on a date with my best friend. We'll call her Elizabeth. We've known each other for over 12 years, but lost touch for 4 years when I started dating someone and got engaged. As of 3 months ago, I ended the engagement and broke the relationship off. So, since then I've been talking to Elizabeth and we've been hanging out a lot. Usually we go to dinner or a movie or bowling. At the beginning she kinda helped me through how I was feeling about my breakup, but I didn't dwell on it too much. I should clarify that I've been in a relationship with Elizabeth twice before. Up until now, I thought she was interested in me again. So, the other day I asked her to go on a date with me (just so she knew I was interested in her). She said yeah, we could try it out and see what happens. I'm not really sure what she meant by that, but at least she didn't turn me down. I'm taking her to an art museum and a fondue restaurant in a couple of weeks for the date. I'm not really sure how to approach it afterwards. She knows now that I'm interested in something more than our friendship. I just don't know what to do after. I'm not sure to ask if she wants to continue dating....or just ask for another date later on. I just don't like how relationships are sometimes. Usually they involve some kind of physical romance and I'm not sure I want that right now. I just wonder if there's a way to ease into things a little more like just going out and having fun and getting to know her without "labeling" it something. I know that I love her and I care about her...I love being around her, I love that she loves God and prays for me. But I really can't read how she feels. Sometimes it feels like she's flirting with me, but I can't really tell if it's just her being nice. And then I wonder if I'm trying to move too fast by asking her out only 3 months after getting out of another relationship. I know I'm not going to ruin our friendship if things don't work out dating, so I'm not scared of that happening. I know there's risk in things not working out, but I'm willing to take those risks. Anyway, I'm just looking for some Godly advice on how to handle this. If anyone has questions, ask away. I'd be glad to answer them.

Thanks.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For one I'd just be honest afterwards. Say something like "I really enjoyed this, would you want to go out again?". If she says yes then after a few dates just ask if she would like to be your girlfriend. Its pretty simple really.

As for things being physical. You can always discuss whats each others rules are on being physical. Some will only hold hands, others will go as far as kissing. Of course there are those who are ok with having sex but I think we know what the answer to that should be. I am a shy guy so I tend to like to hold hands and talk.

Labeling is important I think. Because if neither person labels it then they may feel like the can date others while they date you. Thats just my view though. If I am dating someone I don't believe either of us should be dating anyone else. Its not a competition, we should be focused on each other to see how we work together.

I think for men sometimes it is hard to tell if a woman is being nice or if she flirting. In general sometimes its hard for both people to tell whats going on. Its why its important to communicate. Often relationships don't go anywhere because both people are waiting for the other to make a move and afterawhile both people think the other lost interest. From here views vary on what to do. Some people just like to make more and more views.

Example on the first date you talk, maybe give a hug. On the second date maybe hold hands. On the third date when you each go home give a kiss on the hand/forehead and watch her reaction. Progress the relationship each time. Maybe by the kissing stage throw out there that you love them. At that point you can see where things are going depending on the response. If the response is a "I love you" back then things are good. If not then talk and ask where they would like things to go.

And then I wonder if I'm trying to move too fast by asking her out only 3 months after getting out of another relationship.

Well for some they are on the rebound so whoever they meet next they fall hard for. No one can tell you if you are doing that or not. You just have to think about it and see if thats what your doing. 3 months seems fine to me. I'd more concerned if you asked her out within the first week of the breakup lol.

I know there's risk in things not working out, but I'm willing to take those risks.

Thats the attitude to have. As mentioned before if you don't make the the move or talk then you are likely to worried about the "what ifs".

With that all said is there a specific reason you two kept splitting apart? Of course I'd also pray about this. Ask God if he thinks you should date her. Fast if you have too. Having known each other for 12 years (and dated on some of them) you two should know each other pretty well. Can you see yourself with her forever? Waking up every morning with her. Possibly having children with her. Going to church together, reading the bible together?

Are there any red flags for you? Its why I asked why you two split before. Sometimes the timing is not right, other times its because something is going on you aren't comfortable with. Such as if you seen she loved to get drunk once and awhile.

 

[bms123]

Thank you for the reply,

I like your suggestion of asking her out for another date afterward. I guess what's confusing is we already go out and do stuff that would be considered "dates" like movies, dinner, etc. I just asked her out on a "date" so she knows my intentions of possibly dating.

The first time we split apart, I went off to college. It wasn't very far away, but I think she wasn't interested in having a relationship while I was away. The second time, we dated for about a year and then we broke up. I don't remember the reason exactly why, but there was a lot going on in her life and she just wasn't interested in dating after that. Since we've been apart for the past 4 years, she's went out on some dates that didn't work out.

I could definitely see myself with her forever. I love doing a lot of things with her. One thing I notice is that with my ex-fiance, I was always finding things to do to avoid her later in our relationship. With my best friend, I'm always finding ways to spend time with her. We have a lot of the same interests, so that makes things easy. But we've traveled together before, we like the same types of movies and music. Even movies that I would never go see before...I've went to those types of movies with her and enjoyed them. We do go to church together when we can. I'd like to start reading the Bible with her. We have prayed together. As far as children, she's not interested in having kids and neither am I...so that's something else we have in common.

Feel free to offer any more input...I really appreciate it. What you said so far has kind of eased my nerves a little bit. Thanks!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I like your suggestion of asking her out for another date afterward. I guess what's confusing is we already go out and do stuff that would be considered "dates" like movies, dinner, etc. I just asked her out on a "date" so she knows my intentions of possibly dating.

Well the hard thing is if you have gone out in the past a few times you probably should have specified you wanted it to be a date. If not she might just assume its two friends hanging out. Granted often times just hanging out builds into becoming a couple. And dates from the past someone may not count anymore if you split (some people are like that).

Some people do consider just hanging out to be a date. Some don't and need it verbally said. You can always ask if the times you went out with her in the past count as dates. Then say, if you want, "I ask because I really enjoy being with you and like to have continue to build this into something much more!".

Hmm, well you may want to talk to her about the past and ask flat out (kind of like above) if she feels ready for a relationship again. If not ask her if there is something that needs to change for you two to work out. Of course if she doesn't want to talk about then just give her time. In the end she may just not want to to be with someone right now.

Not sure how old you are (I have memory problems) but I truly believe we don't know what we want until we are about 25 to 30. It may be why she still isn't sure. Of course some people also just find it hard to stay with anyone because they may feel it draws them away from spending time with God. I don't think she is like that given the fact she has dated.

I could definitely see myself with her forever. I love doing a lot of things with her. One thing I notice is that with my ex-fiance, I was always finding things to do to avoid her later in our relationship. With my best friend, I'm always finding ways to spend time with her. We have a lot of the same interests, so that makes things easy. But we've traveled together before, we like the same types of movies and music.

Even movies that I would never go see before...I've went to those types of movies with her and enjoyed them. We do go to church together when we can. I'd like to start reading the Bible with her. We have prayed together. As far as children, she's not interested in having kids and neither am I...so that's something else we have in common.

Wow thats pretty awesome. Sounds alot like me and my fiance. You want to have alot in common. Especially when it comes to christian things. I am a mushy romantic and spending time and snuggling...etc is all great. But whats more romantic to me is being able to read my bible with my fiance, going to church with her...etc. Having a proverbs 31 woman means alot.

Feel free to offer any more input...I really appreciate it. What you said so far has kind of eased my nerves a little bit. Thanks!

Your welcome. I wouldn't worry about it to much. Asking may be nerve wracking but it will give you some answers either way. If you have been friends this long even with the split up, then I think you have a good future together. If I may add take the 5 love languages test here, its a christian test and its free:
Home | The 5 Love Languages®

Me and my fiance took it and it really shows the love language we each need the most from the other. Now just make sure you take use it as "husband" and her as "wife" since the friends version of it doesn't really seem to work out as well. There may be questions you feel weird about such as "I wish me wife would kiss me more!", just answer it as if you are married. Then obviously share the answers with each other so you know what the others needs are.

 

[LinkH]

My wife and I were 'just friends' for a while. It turns out that is common in her country. I looked at my diary from that time, and four or five weeks into our hanging out all the time together as friends, we were having a lot of conversations we would only need to have if we were thinking of marriage. One way to approach it is just to ask her if she wants to go out again, and just hang out together a lot.

Labelling it isn't important unless it is important to both of you. The downside of not doing it is if someone else starts dating her. 'Girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' are fairly new social constructs that don't mean much. Married... now that means something.

If a woman is not a potential marriage partner, don't date her.