Dark-minded Christian

Brooke · Jan 13, 2004

I don't do anything dark, really... but the earthy and incense-based rituals of paganism appeal to something deep down inside me. If I hadn't accepted Christianity as my faith, I have no doubt I would have become Wiccan.
I also love the idea of wearing all black. Or maybe that's just my German side talking. XD
And I really want purple lipstick, but that's really not "dark", in the literal sense... it's just a fashion statement.

seebs · Jan 13, 2004

holo said:
It's so good to see that there are other Christians that dig Edgar Allan Poe and Trent Reznor. I'm surrounded by people who haven't even heard about them.

I know the feeling. It's a bit lonely, but remember, there's always at least one friend who *does* understand.

mamaeenie,But I don't feel it's my nature to be happy and positive. I also seem to be unlike a lot of other believers in that only thinking about the cross can utterly break me, tears flowing (and it's about the only thing that makes me cry). I guess I just know too well how much I've been forgiven.

Sounds healthy. Some people aren't always positive. That's good.

As for my calling, I guess it's got something to do with being around depressed or lonely or hopless people. I certainly don't see myself as a pastor or anything like that, but I often dream of helping those who need it, who feel desperate and just don't fit in your normal church.

There was One before you who came for the lost, not for the saved; walking in His footsteps is not a bad calling at all.

Not all ministers wear suits.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be, but I take a certain pleasure in that I can really enjoy a rainy, foggy day. I think it's just who I am, basically, being the man in black so to speak, though of course I could do without the light depressions I'll still get, and the anxiety. I'm having an attack right now btw.

I know what you mean. But I look at the advice some people offer to depressed people, and... If the price of not being like that to people in pain is that I have to be depressed occasionally myself, I'll pay it, and gladly.

Thank you so much for replying, it really means much to just be accepted and not looked down upon.

Indeed. That's probably as close as you can get to a core message that Jesus brought to people.

onikirimaru777 · Jan 14, 2004

I can sort of relate... I've been a Christian for four years now, and I still have an odd fascination with the magical, wizards and sorcerers. I don't know how healthy that is, but...

Try looking for the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. Its the most judeo-christian ive found yet. Also, the Arbitel (spelling?) of Magick doesnt sound to bad either...although ive never read it. There are also some more complicated magick systems that i believe a christian can practice. One, being Enochian magick. The other being Solomonic magick. I myself have only done the LBRP, but i wasn't very experienced with magick...so yeah. Oh well. Im not telling you you should do those...just showing you whats out there if you are still interested.

Brooke · Jan 15, 2004

Hmmm... I don't really think so. Thanks for telling me, though.

keiruso · Jan 15, 2004

Holo,

This is going to be a little different than the majority of the posts I've read in reply to your concern. No offence to anyone, but there seems to be quite a bit of humanizing going on in here. Don't get me wrong, I know we are humans and we are never going to be perfect while on this earth, but we must say what God says about our lives.

First of all, I would challenge you in this way. The book of Romans tells us that we are to transformed into the image of Christ by renewing our minds. You are responsible to change your thinking about those things. No one can do that for you. If the music you listen to brings back to your mind those thoughts or feelings of death or mutilation, don't listen to it. Many people say that music is amoral, that is, it doesn't affect us in any way. Scripture says otherwise. It does affect us in every way. You need to confess your thoughts as sin (agree with God), and ask and claim His forgiveness and cleansing. Then you need to ask Him for grace and strength to put off those old man habits and replace them (put on) things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of a GOOD report, virtuos, and praiseworthy things. You need to understand that your "feelings" come from your thoughts. If you change your thinking to come under submission to God's Word, your attitude and feelings will change to. Then, and only then, will you rejoice in the light (for God is Light) and avoid the darkness. Staying in the darkness, according to Scripture, is an evidence of a lack of salvation. Read 1 John. If any man say he is in the light, and yet he lives in darkness, he deceives himself. I am not trying to judge you. God knows your heart. But I would be remiss if I didn't give you strong advice about responding God's way to your concern. However, your showing concern about this problem could be an indicator of the presence of the Holy Spirit in your life (He indwells all believers at the moment of salvation). I hope this helps. If I can help further, PM or email me. I'll be praying for you.

Keiruso

holo · Jan 15, 2004

keiruso,
your name sounds Japanese. Is it?
First of all, thanks for caring instead of judging.
I guess that ideally, we'd be happy and loving all the time. I think maybe one of the things that makes me a little different, is that I don't neccecarily fight the bad feelings. While I don't try to produce them, for example by listening to dark music, dark music fits the mood perfectly when I'm in it. It's basically like reading some of the more "depressive" psalms.
Sinful or not, I am simply not able to think happily and positively all the time. I ask God for forgiveness all the time though, for being the way I am, for not defying myself so to speak, for, well everything. If nothing else, I'm honest. Lying certainly doesn't help much during an anxiety attack, I find it much better to accept my dark thoughts and feelings, and Nine Inch Nails helps me do that, so the attack passes quicker.
Again, I don't know how much sense I'm making, as The Fear is riding me as I write.
When it comes to the way I think, well, I see so much beauty in Jesus, in people and all around, and I enjoy that, but still, people are crying everywhere, they're dying, my neighbor's wife perhaps just left him, this world is so full of death and darkness. I want to be a light in it, but I can't be happy all the time. Not even half of the time. I'm not trying to justify myself, but that's how it is.
Anyway, sometimes I think being like this is worth it, since I can (maybe two or three times a year) experience the opposite of anxitey; a sudden and profound sensation that everything is good and in harmony, peace. Also, I can feel such pleasure and peace when worshiping the Lord that I'm not sure the "normal" people get to feel, since they're normally "brighter" than me.

keiruso · Jan 15, 2004

holo said:
keiruso,
your name sounds Japanese. Is it?
First of all, thanks for caring instead of judging.
I guess that ideally, we'd be happy and loving all the time. I think maybe one of the things that makes me a little different, is that I don't neccecarily fight the bad feelings. While I don't try to produce them, for example by listening to dark music, dark music fits the mood perfectly when I'm in it. It's basically like reading some of the more "depressive" psalms.
Sinful or not, I am simply not able to think happily and positively all the time. I ask God for forgiveness all the time though, for being the way I am, for not defying myself so to speak, for, well everything. If nothing else, I'm honest. Lying certainly doesn't help much during an anxiety attack, I find it much better to accept my dark thoughts and feelings, and Nine Inch Nails helps me do that, so the attack passes quicker.
Again, I don't know how much sense I'm making, as The Fear is riding me as I write.
When it comes to the way I think, well, I see so much beauty in Jesus, in people and all around, and I enjoy that, but still, people are crying everywhere, they're dying, my neighbor's wife perhaps just left him, this world is so full of death and darkness. I want to be a light in it, but I can't be happy all the time. Not even half of the time. I'm not trying to justify myself, but that's how it is.
Anyway, sometimes I think being like this is worth it, since I can (maybe two or three times a year) experience the opposite of anxitey; a sudden and profound sensation that everything is good and in harmony, peace. Also, I can feel such pleasure and peace when worshiping the Lord that I'm not sure the "normal" people get to feel, since they're normally "brighter" than me.

I would challenge you, Holo, to do a study on hope in the Bible. That seems like what you are missing. You have an incredible hope in Christ. Hope, in Scripture, is not hope as we think of it. It is an expectation of a guaranteed future blessing. You cannot just accept your thoughts and feelings, for you are commanded by God to put off those thoughts and actions. I'm not being unkind, but firm, in saying that a refusal to obey God will lead you down even worse roads than you may be heading now. Don't make that choice. God is greater than he that is in the world. Do not give up! God told one of the seven churches in Revelation that He would rather them be hot or cold, but not lukewarm. That is a terrible offence to God that we all must struggle daily against. Email me and I will continue talking with you, if you wish. Bye for now. By the way, keiruso is a transliteration of the greek word translated preach in 2 Timothy 4:2.

C'ya,

Keiruso

holo · Jan 15, 2004

Keiruso,
I think I see what you mean. As for removing myself from God, I don't really fear that anymore. I'm closer now than ever before (and for once, moving in the right direction - toward God), but like always, life goes up and down. I'm glad to find so many persons in the Bible also struggling and wondering about the nature of it all, unable to make sense of life.
I am working on thinking positively, however I've realized it's a long road.
Accepting my emotions is kind of a new thing for me, I've spent most my life fighting them, be they sexual or angry or scary. I'm starting to find out I'll never get anything changed if I don't first acknowledge the way things are. For example, I have to realize I'm angry if I'm supposed to do anything about it. Anyway, feelings such as anxiety can only be suppressed that much. I can try to ignore it, but it's there. Trying to make it go away only intensifies it, though I am able to put on a mask in front of others.
Of course, I don't want to feel bad, and I know God doesn't want me to. But everybody does, some more, some less. And I have to say that practicing my fascinations (like reading Edgar Allan Poe) makes me feel good, more complete, more understood.
The very happy, healthy, joyful and successful Christians haven't helped me much. However the quiet, abused, lonely, drug-using ones have. Of course it has something to do with my being unable to identify with the former, but still.
I could always use more hope, more faith, more knowledge and courage. But I try to take the smallest steps I can. I've lost count of the times I've leaped and fell, it's like a roller coaster.
But again, thanks for replying and caring. I've met a lot of Christians who would either dismiss me, "correct" me without love, or just keep their mouth shut even if they thought I was wrong. Being firm, as you say.
Again, I'm not trying to excuse myself (I am the way I am anyway), but with things like anxity, the rest of your emotions often get pretty screwed up as well. Anger, fear, guilt, joy, peace, numbness, they can all overtake you completely unrelated to the situation you're in. I'm not a guy who can go somewhere because it "feels right" for example, just like I sometimes have to talk to people even if all I want is to lock myself in a room and turn out the lights. So whenever I get to act upon a feeling, even if it's a bad one, I feel better.

Real Corona · Jan 15, 2004

Hey man, I guess I sort of tracked you down here. But it is your own fault for showing me the 'light' and all. I've read this thread and I think I have some idea where you're coming from. I myself just recovered myself from a long spout of depression. I will say that as corny as it sounds to most people, god really help me through it all and several times I was very close to ending it all.

Anyway, I hope you can forget about who I am in that other place of ours and if you want you can talk to me anytime, unless you think I'm to crazy for you.

I'll see you around, have a nice day.

holo · Jan 15, 2004

Corona,
I think we learn to know God when we're in the deepest... well, that word we can say over there but not here.
Uh, how did I show you the "light"? Maybe I should know, but my memory isn't too good.

Sybille · Jan 15, 2004

Being a christian, doesn't mean to jump in the air while chanting and dancing hands up, in church... or everywhere. Look at the monks.... They praise quietly in a dark atmosphere, with only candles to bring light... are they evil for that? Does they need people to "pray for their lost souls"? Come on... being a christian doesn't mean to act like a freak on Extasy.... Some of us are "dark minded" and there's nothing wrong with it.... While a gray rainy sky can depress you, it is amazingly beautiful and peaceful to us. Just a silly example. That doesn't mean that we dwell in the "Spiritual Darkness"... what we call "Dark minded" people has NOTHING to do with Spiritual Darkness.... We are simply different and we have different tastes concerning everything... and our personality might be quite different too. I felt that some people confused "Dark Minded" with "spiritual darkness", which is wrong, so I wanted to make it clearer.

(Holo... will reply to your PM tonight... I have such a BAD headache right now
)

Lilly of the Valley · Jan 25, 2004

If you don't have the Holy Spirit then you really need to get it. That could make a big difference. You should also pray for the renewing of your mind and fill your mind with the word. Ask the Lord to help you think on pure, good, things.

oworm · Jan 25, 2004

Lilly of the Valley said:
If you don't have the Holy Spirit then you really need to get it. That could make a big difference. You should also pray for the renewing of your mind and fill your mind with the word. Ask the Lord to help you think on pure, good, things.

He is a Christian,that means he already has the holy spirit!!
If he doesnt have the Holy spirit then he is not a christian!!

Romans 8:9b And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ.

The renewing of the mind is a command , not a prayer request!!

2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Certainly pray for God to help you in your walk with him. but some things are already laid down for us in scripture.

Silent Enigma · Jan 29, 2004

Well, holo, what to tell you....?

I sold my NIN cds prior to even becoming a Christian just because I could objectively see the negative effect they had on my mind.

I myself do obsess over the evils in our world, but it is out of frustration over the lack of justice rather than fascination with its existence.

Do you have a solid biblical worldview? I mean, when you recognize when and how and by whom all the evil in the world has come through, wouldn't you be more inclined to get ticked?

holo · Jan 31, 2004

Enigma,
I don't know if I can say I have a "solid biblical worldview". I certainly get angry and frustrated by all the evil. I know it's useless, but I can't help wondering what's the point of it all.
I'm having some bad days now, where I don't even try to feel good anymore, because then at least I'm in a stable mood until I get better (which I always do eventually). I guess if I could believe that I would always be able to keep my hopes and faith up, I would be different. But I've realised I'll always have these ups and downs. Some anxiety problems just wipes away all faith and hope sometimes, so I can't lean on those when I get blue.
Today, not much really matters to me. It'll pass though.
Life is too long, and the irony is that I'll probably think it was too short, on my deathbed. I have no excuse for being the way I am (not even trying and all), but I find great comfort in knowing this life will end some day.

Grey · Feb 1, 2004

Even Paul had his troubles with sin

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but wat I hate I do.
Romans 7:15
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing.
Romans 7:18-19

The only way to become truely free is through our LORD Christ Jesus. Confess these feelings to the LORD and ask Him for help.

holo · Feb 1, 2004

Grey,
I do that all the time. Sometimes I feel like I repent more than I sin.
We'll be suffering one way or the other.

Grey · Feb 1, 2004

I have been in the same boat as you most all of my life...use to be a huge Iron Maiden fan...even after I became one in Christ...I was very wrapped up in the occult. The LORD freed me...he can do the same for you as well. By the way, it took a good 15 years of spirtual battle to reach this point for me.

holo · Feb 1, 2004

How did He free you?
I've begun to see this whole thing as part of my personality. Not that I think it's right to act on all my thoughts and feelings. I've often wished I was "normal", but at the same time I'm not too comfortable among The Happy People, and I don't even like them all that much.

Grey · Feb 1, 2004

I was hiding deep sin in my life I never noticed until just a couple of weeks ago. I was boken by my sin...it brought me down lower than I ever could imagine possible. I was crushed...I had to humble myself to the LORD...my sin was not Obeying the LORD...and boy did He thump me good to wake me up. The dark spirits are very powerful...But Praise GOD!! the LORD Christ Jesus is even greater.

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