Cycle of Attack

[loveisabattlefield4]

Hello All. As I write this on Christmas Day, I’m seeking deliverance. I’m seeking hope and peace of mind and the freedom to embrace the blessings I know God has in store for me. I’m seeking a close walk with God, and to experience my full potential as a child of God. However, there is a dark cloud hanging over me. I know it sounds cliché, but I’m really not sure how else to describe it. I’m on a cycle of repentance and guilt, and I have no idea how to escape. I know the sins I have committed are in fact sins, and that they are wrong. I’ve apologized to the deepest depths of my heart, and asked for forgiveness. I’ve repented to God time and time again. My heart registers that I am forgiven, but my head refuses to accept. I am constantly tormented by my past, and feel disgusted with my actions. I’ve developed a deep-rooted paranoia that I am not forgiven, and that the second I let my guard down to feel love and happiness and delight in God’s blessings, my past will be brought back again and I will be forced to pay. This is a daily cycle. I pray, I ask for forgiveness, I’m ok for a couple of hours. Then thoughts begin to creep in and the next thing I know I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. As a result, I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression, instead of the deliverance I crave. I think the most devastating part of this situation is that I know I have so much potential for Christ, and I’m not fulfilling it out of fear. I feel unworthy in every way, and the only thing I want is to do God’s will for me and be pleasing in His eyes. I’m concerned that these feelings might be genetic, as my biological father struggles with depression and addiction, but he is not a figure in my life. I’ve always been a little too independent, and have had a difficult time admitting I struggle with anything, so I’m not really sure how to. If anyone has any advice, word of support, or will be willing to pray for me, I would be grateful.



Thanks

 

[Bellicus]

You know: It is like you are describing me there. And I am thinking about Ephesians 6:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I have been thinking for so long now that the fight I have been having is against myself, but I am starting to see more and more clearly that it is just not me, there is something else I am fighting against too.

But at least the verses above also gives hope, cause it is not a battle that have to be lost. Actually there is a big chance of winning it, if we are seeking power in the right place.

Not sure if any of this helped you. But I hope that you are OK, that you will stick around on the forum. God bless you and Merry Christmas.

 

[loveisabattlefield4]

Thanks so much for the reply. It did help. I think a huge part of my distress is not wanting anyone else to know about my struggles, but continuing in them with no help at all is perpetuating the situation. I'm debating whether or not to go to counseling...does anyone have any opinions about that?

 

[Bellicus]

I don't know much about counseling, there are no such thing where I live I think. But if you need someone to talk with just send me a PM, I am always happy to talk with others that don't always think life is a funny game.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Oh Bellicus! Good job! I so agree with your post--you have spoken with real wisdom and empathy, and I'm proud of you! WOW!

Loveisabattlefield, our struggles can be brought about from physical imbalances which might require a medication or can be brought about from a spiritual struggle, and to be honest we really just can not tell from a few posts which one it is. However, here's my thought: it can be weird if you go to a professional who is only familiar with one area and not the other (like is only a doctor but knows nothing about spiritual), so I would strongly suggest that you select a professional who is trained and has some knowledge in both physical and spiritual areas--or has an affiliate that they trust so they can coordinate.

Let me give you an easy example. You say you are considering some counseling. If you speak only to a pastor, they have training in mental health and spiritual but not always in the physical reasons for a struggle--and thus they might miss that you are imbalanced on a certain vitamin, hormone, or medication. Likewise a person who is a doctor might have some mental health training but be unfamiliar with the spiritual aspects of guilt and forgiveness. Thus the ideal would be speaking to a pastor or counselor who also has an affiliate who is a medical doctor...or your primary physician who also has a affiliate who has spiritual and mental health training.

Make sense?

We have some GREAT chaplains here who might also be able to coordinate with your primary care physician...and there are also great people here like Bellicus who can just talk to you like someone who's "been there" and understands how you feel! So if there's anything I can do, PM me any time okay?


~Faithful

 

[Johnnz]

Sometimes issues we face can be shared with someone else and we benefit from that. But why do you struggle with guilt? That is not at all healthy.Jesus did not come to make us feel guilty (John 3:17) but to give us real life (John 10:10). Are you getting negative input from somewhere?

John
NZ

 

[loveisabattlefield4]

FaithfulWife, Thank you so much for your input. I'm trying to heighten my awareness lately to see what triggers the feelings of despair, and I'm noticing that it hits at specific times during the day. For example, I get really upset and anxious in the afternoon. Usually between 1 and 5. This makes me think more and more that it might be chemical. In addition, I'm going through a lot of major life changes lately. In the last 8 months I've graduated from college, and all of my close friends live well over an hour away. I recently started a new job, and I really enjoy it, but part of the anxiety/depression/whatever it is, is an intense fear of losing it. I'm also thinking these issues could be stemming from the past 3 years (My father passed away. Adoptive, not biological.) and I fell into some self-destructive behaviors. Nothing major, just a lot of things adding up. I also never dealt with any of those issues, or talked to anybody about it. I went to a couple of sessions with the school therapist after the death of my father at the recommendation of some of my professors, but I didn't want to put my issues on anybody else, or let anybody know my business. I'm thinking maybe this has backfired on me a little. I think seeking professional help would potentially do me a lot of good, but I'm not sure where to turn, and money is also an issue.

Johnnz, thank you as well for your comments. I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from...I can't seem to get past the sins I've committed and the fact that they might have impacted other people negatively. I'm not getting any negative input from anyone b/c I haven't shared anything with anyone. I think telling the people I'm closest with would likely make it worse and limit their trust in me, which would not help the situation at all. I don't commit those specific sins I'm feeling guilty for anymore, nor do I feel any temptation to at all. In fact, I'm disgusted with my past actions and wish I could undo them. So really, it's a viscious cycle of constant repentance for things I've reptented for already. I just can't seem to escape the guilt for committing them in the first place. In spite of all of this though, God has continued to bless me, giving me the job that I specifically asked for before I even knew it existed. I have an amazing relationship with my mother, and the friends that I'm still in contact with are wonderful. At my best moments, I'm eternally grateful for those people in my life. At my worst, I feel undeserving of their love. I've got to get past this somehow.

 

[Ariel]

loveisabattlefield, I think all of us struggle with regret and guilt. Even sins we know we have been forgiven for can seem to jump on us when we are feeling tired or weak.

It helps to look at the Word of God. 1 John 1:9 says that "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." "All" means ALL. Psalm 103:12 says that God has removed our sins from us "as far as the east is from the west." Micah 7:19 says that God takes our sins and throws them into the depths of the sea. Hebrews 10:17 says that God doesn't even remember our sins anymore. We remember them, but God does not. Forgiven sin is covered completely.

Yet, like you, I have had times when I went to God again and again, asking for forgiveness for the same sin. One night in particular, I asked, again and again, even though I felt that my sin had been forgiven. Suddenly I heard God speak to me--what He said I will never forget. He said, "You are clean because I have made you so."

loveis, you are clean because God makes you so. "Though your sins are as scarlet they shall be as white as snow," Isaiah 1:18 says. The moment you ask God to forgive you, you are made as white as snow.

Thank Him, and ask Him to help you live in victory, which is what He wants. He wants you to know that He loves you, and Jesus Christ came to set you free, John 8:32, 36.

God loves you, He wants you to walk in victory--and joy. This is possible in Him.

 

[Johnnz]

Hi,

As long as you 'revisit' past sins in your mind you will continue to feel guilty. God's absolution from guilt must be accepted by you, and then a determination to live on the basis of that forgiveness.

Adopted parents. Have you lived with a sense of rejection, or not belonging? Do you accept yourself as a valid, talented individual, or do you tend to discount yourself?

John
NZ

 

[loveisabattlefield4]

Ariel, I cannot thank you enough for sharing. Your words have really spoken to my heart. I think if I can keep that in mind, that I am clean because He made me so, not by any of my own doing, I can ease some of the burden and get down to figuring out more of what's blocking my joy. Thank you.

Johnnz, as for living with a sense of rejection, I have been extremely blessed to have an incredibly devoted adoptive mother who I love dearly and who has always been supportive and encouraging and a strong Christian example. My adoptive father was not a strong figure in my life, and neither was my biological father, so essentially I was brought up with a pretty skewed view of male authority figures. I always thought I was ok with that and that it wasn't a big deal, but lately I'm starting to wonder. As for rejection, I tell people that regardless of how great your adoptive parents are, there's always that little tiny spark of rejection. I thank God for delivering me out of a negative biological situation, as I do know my birth parents and know it would have been a tragedy had i not been adopted.

I also think embracing my part in mentally determining to accept forgiveness will take me a long way in this journey. Thank you so much for your input!

 

[Ariel]

(((loveisabattlefield))) I am glad that helped. Be blessed, dear sister in Christ.