Cunfused and frustrated

[angieg]

Hi to everyone -
This is the first time I have ever done anything like this. I am not very good with the computer so to get to this point took me awhile.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. They are currently 18 and 16 years old. My husband was not married before but has a 17 year old daughter from a past relationship.
My son, daughter, husband and I live in the house that I had before I met my husband. We do not see his daughter very much, in fact only my husband see's her once in awhile. She chooses to not be around very much or at all.
My frustration comes from financial issues.
Over the years I have paid a larger part of the "common" bills. I have only ever expected him to pay 1/2 of the house, heat, water and trash. I often pay all of these without his help. He buys grocerys for only himself. He never helps with anything like household supplies. He also does little to help with the upkeep of the house. In the past he would often say this is not my house, so I did everything I could think of to make it his home. Thinking that would help - it didn't. He is a very private person, but I do know that most of these years if not all of them he has made more than me. He does pay child support for his daughter. I don't get much if any child support from my ex husband. In fact I mail him money for insurance for the kids.
When we go out - most of the time I pay for myself (and the kids if they are with). Over time this has made me feel very much used or taken for granite.
Sometimes when I try to talk to him about this his answer is "the problem is obviously me" and than implies that he should just leave. HELP !!

 

[SirKenin]

According to what you are saying, he's not fulfilling his role as a husband to provide for his wife. Please click this link for more information. http://www.christianforums.com/t86751

Are both of you Christians?

Time for some marriage counselling I think.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

That sounds like roommates more than anything else.

 

[angieg]

I am not sure if this is how I reply - not good w/ computers -
We are both Christians.
My husband is very caring in other ways - but I still feel the way I do.... used.
He also has been good to my children. I really don't know what to do, but I do feel very unhappy. I do appreciate replies / suggestions very much.

 

[zibbler]

Wow! I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but he sounds like a very selfish, stingy person, and he is certainly NOT fulfilling his role as husband and head of the family. I would be livid if I was in your shoes. Sounds like conseling is definitely in order. I would start with your pastor and see where it goes from there.

 

[DaveKerwin]

have you told him very specifically that you feel used?

 

[~PICKLE~]

Sorry If I sound so blunt, but this is Wrong. Your married!!! I'd go on strike!!! That's what i do if my husband does something I don't like or say something like "That's woman's work" The pride comes in, and I turn into "SHEDEVIL" until he straightin' up or says he's sorry. Seriously, Quit doin' everything, lay on you booty, and he'll wonder what's wrong. He'll ask, and it's your choice if you want to tell him. It usually takes a day or so without clean clothes or dishes, and a pig Sty of a house. But I know my point also gets across, I don't like feeling used and Like I have to do everything. This is a marriage. Things should be done together and decisions should be made together. He's gotta understand this is not away a marriage is suppose to work. have ya'll sat down and talked? If so, what came out of it. You can take the strike thing the way you want to, that's just what I do, to make a point. Also when my hubby says he should just leave, I happily say, "do you want me to help you pack." Hee hee, he never leaves!! He just pouts half a day.

 

[desi]

Was he always like this or has he changed? If he was always this way you have nothing to complain about because you did agree to marry him knowing how he is, but if it is new you might want to find out what might have caused such a change so you can look at 'fixing' things.

 

[Svt4Him]

I think we should get a rope, and find a tall tree.

Or maybe realize that one persons side of the story is nice, until you hear the other.

Over the years I have paid a larger part of the "common" bills. I have only ever expected him to pay 1/2 of the house, heat, water and trash. I often pay all of these without his help.

Wow, sounds like you have it figured out to a 'T'. Truth be told, if you were my wife, and you ran the house like this, I'd be pretty unmotivated as well.

Please understand, I have no real idea what your situation is like, and I know, first hand, that it's not easy. If he's an ***, then you have my deepest sympathy. But your job is not to change him. Humble yourself to God, and let God change him. Realize you're not perfect, and there are some things that you will have to work on, and work on them.

The reason I post this is because I too once use to complain about my spouse. If you asked me how many of our problems were because of her, I'd say maybe 99.73. Now I'm not so sure. Sure I could tell you stories to win your sympathy. It almost killed me what she did. If I don't tell you what I did, you'd think I was a saint to stay. Honestly, if we had to do it again, we'd both rather be dead. Thinking about it now almost makes my eyes spring leaks. It's why I'll never sing "Lord break me" or "Oh humble me" because after you are broken, you don't want the experience again.

So with that, when I hear you say you expect him to pay 1/2, sounds more like a partnership in business than a marriage based on a husband loving his wife, and a wife respecting her husband.

 

[angieg]

Thank you to everyone that has responded.
The reason that I "wrote in" is because I was looking for thoughts and idea's on my dilemma - not to complain or for sympathy.
I have told him how I feel and he doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with it. Before we were married we didn't have these issues -but we did not share the same home. I sure do not claim to be perfect. But I do try to be kind and fair and thoughtful to everyone. The reason I asked for 1/2 of the bills is because that I thought it would be more helpful than nothing. I am not a money freak, and feel guilty at times that I have let this effect me so much. But I feel so uncared for. (The financial issues is only part of the cause)
To go into everything would take forever...................

 

[E-beth]

My first inclination after reading your first post was that it sounds like your husband might be depressed or maybe he has a low self-esteem. Not that this would excuse his behavior, but if you don't like yourself, it is difficult to treat others the right way.

Does he treat the children in the same way...unappreciative and disrespectful?

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Ugg, nothing I cannot stand more than a passive man. Well, if it were me. I'd take care of my own responsibilities and let him fend for hisself. If he wants to be that way. And this is for your own sake. Don't take care of him financially anymore than you have to. Yes, pay the bills so you can have a place to live, but if there is a bill that's important to him but not to you, say, extra cable channels, then refuse to pay for them- if he wants them he can take the responsibility to pay for them. Take control of your life the best you know how, of course without being vengeful, but in taking care of your own needs. Because you cannot make him change, but you can control your own circumstances and responsibility. (And I wouldn't do his laundry either if it were me being how he's fending for himself. Sounds like he probably makes his own meals to.) He has issues. And it would take a special strong person to persevere in that situation- but bring it in prayer to God

 

[hisbloodformysins]

My first inclination after reading your first post was that it sounds like your husband might be depressed or maybe he has a low self-esteem. Not that this would excuse his behavior, but if you don't like yourself, it is difficult to treat others the right way.

Does he treat the children in the same way...unappreciative and disrespectful?

This is probably true. But like I suggested, take as little responsibility for him as possible, because if you take care of him you'll be bitter, and this will enable him, and obviously his guilt trips are affective, and he knows this, that's why he uses them- take it from a person who does the same thing.