I have just joined this forum although I have lurked here in the past. I specifically joined to get some help with this issue. I am a member of a pregnancy/parenting forum which has an area for marriage advice but having seen that the advice given to virtually every petty issue is "divorce, now" I wanted to get the help of fellow Christians. I should mention that I throughly believe that divorce should only be reserved for the most extreme situations and will not personally consider it. Aside from the moral aspect divorce would be a terrible outcome for myself and my children, taking them from a intact, middle class home with a SAHM to a likely impoverished, single parent household to spend much of their childhoods in daycare and being shuttled between parents (I was raised in a broken home and swore it would never be that way for my children). We currently have 2 very small children and I am pregnant with our 3rd.
If it were simply a matter of being unhappy or unfulfilled I would have no problem. Many people remain in unfulfilling marriages and make the most of it. But my husband is cruel and extremely controlling. I would like to outline some of this as I've never told anyone, he considers his behavior to be just fine and puts on a great face in public. No one has any idea.
He has never struck me. I would not consider him physically abusive but he does this thing where he takes his hand and grabs my face, digging his nails into the flesh and squeezing as hard as he can and then shouting in my face. He has done this whilst I was holding our newborn.
He does things to me sexually that are against my will. I do not wish to get into it as I find it humiliating. He believes it is his right as a Christian husband and my job is to submit. If I have a problem with it, it is just because I am refusing to submit and obey. I am aware that this is not correct. I DO have a duty to submit but he has a duty to love and cherish which he is not fulfilling by hurting me in this way.
I am not allowed to drive or take the bus. I have no access to our bank accounts, my name is not on the title of our home. He will not allow me to be added to these things.
He does not like it when I speak to my mother and wants me to cut ties with her as she is a "bad influence".
By far the most hurtful and damaging is the way he speaks to me. He will criticize virtually everything I do. He pulls me down constantly telling me I am a terrible mother, I'm stupid, I'm worthless (lower than s*** is something he often says). He calls me terrible names at least a few times per week.
He has screamed at me and called me names throughout both of my labours with my children. He mocked me for thinking a had "some kind of special bond" with our newborn calling it "f***ing pathetic"... that one still feels like a knife to the heart when I remember it.
I don't know what to do. Divorce is not an option, he is a good father... he is just unable to be anything but cruel to me. How can I find happiness in this situation and try to enjoy my life? I pray every night that God will change his heart or make me a better wife so I don't set him off so much but it really hurts my self esteem and I feel like joy has been sucked from me.
If it were simply a matter of being unhappy or unfulfilled I would have no problem. Many people remain in unfulfilling marriages and make the most of it. But my husband is cruel and extremely controlling. I would like to outline some of this as I've never told anyone, he considers his behavior to be just fine and puts on a great face in public. No one has any idea.
He has never struck me. I would not consider him physically abusive but he does this thing where he takes his hand and grabs my face, digging his nails into the flesh and squeezing as hard as he can and then shouting in my face. He has done this whilst I was holding our newborn.
He does things to me sexually that are against my will. I do not wish to get into it as I find it humiliating. He believes it is his right as a Christian husband and my job is to submit. If I have a problem with it, it is just because I am refusing to submit and obey. I am aware that this is not correct. I DO have a duty to submit but he has a duty to love and cherish which he is not fulfilling by hurting me in this way.
I am not allowed to drive or take the bus. I have no access to our bank accounts, my name is not on the title of our home. He will not allow me to be added to these things.
He does not like it when I speak to my mother and wants me to cut ties with her as she is a "bad influence".
By far the most hurtful and damaging is the way he speaks to me. He will criticize virtually everything I do. He pulls me down constantly telling me I am a terrible mother, I'm stupid, I'm worthless (lower than s*** is something he often says). He calls me terrible names at least a few times per week.
He has screamed at me and called me names throughout both of my labours with my children. He mocked me for thinking a had "some kind of special bond" with our newborn calling it "f***ing pathetic"... that one still feels like a knife to the heart when I remember it.
I don't know what to do. Divorce is not an option, he is a good father... he is just unable to be anything but cruel to me. How can I find happiness in this situation and try to enjoy my life? I pray every night that God will change his heart or make me a better wife so I don't set him off so much but it really hurts my self esteem and I feel like joy has been sucked from me.