Crossfire

[christian cutie danni]

Okay everone, this is the sroty my sister and I are writting on our life, the short one we've had so far. We're hoping that we can stop some teens from making the same mistakes that I made, and that she made, and show them that not everything is as glorified as it seems,a nd that with every action there is a consiquence, weather good or bad. I'll be adding more as I write more... I hope you enjoy!!

Disclaimer: This stor is a TRUE story, the story of Danielle and Alyssa Engebretson. The events in this book are not concrete facts, but memories, how I remebered them happening and how she remebered them happening. Somethings may not be accurate in history, but in memory, they are what we saw, and what we know happened. This is our stroy, how we saw everything. This book is not authorized to be copied, because it is MY story and HER story.

Foreward:
Sometimes it's easier just to peice and glue everything back together again, and it turns out to look and feel the same. To be what it was before. But other times it's easier just to tear down everything you've built and start over from scratch.

For me, it was easier the first time to just start over. But I had no one to help me in the construction, nothing to rebuild with. So when the product was finsihed, I didn't like it. So I tore it down again, and started the second time. That time, I used the very old me, the left over peies, and started peicing myself back together. This time though, it was harder. Picking through the rubble, I realized, in order to become me again, I'd have to take myself back to an unhappy time and place, and find my roots.

It wasn't easy, not at all. But then, no one ever said that life would be easy. And the'yre right. Whoever "they" are. Life is hard.

But to find myself, I had to take myself back to a place I never wanted, nor dreamed that I could ever revisit. And to write this book, I'll have to do the same thing: take myself back in time, back to the war zone, between the flying bullets, doding them once again. I'll have to place myself back in the crossfire.

 

[christian cutie danni]

I was an average child, for the most part. I smile to myself now, as I think about how mcuh of a lie that is, and overstatement. If I'm going to acheive what I want with this, I have to honest with you. I don't know you, so why should I care if you judge me?

To be truethful, my child hood was far from happy. It was downright miserable. My mind if filled with huanting memories. Sure I have a few here and there that are okay, but none are truelly happpy. Most of my memories are hollow and empty.

My parents divorced when I was two and I can't say that I blame them. My mother is a stubborn (censcored) and my father well.... He was an alchoholi c from what I heard. I'll spare details, because I'm going to make plenty of people hate me with this story, and I am NOT anxious to start now.

My mom had several boyfriends after that. Daryll and Lawney and others I don't rememer, nor care too. I think it was Daryll that won me this fish at the county fair... I don't know. But it was a hot pink stuffed fish. I still have that fish. Amazing as it seems, that fish (fishey was her name... I was a toddler and not very imaginitive) was the one thing that kept me falling apart. Call it crazy but somehow that stuffed inatimate object kept me from falling apart at the seams.

Dad had girlfriends too. Mostly a woman named Wendy. She had a daughter, near my age, Whiteney. She was younger, and spoiled, but we were good friends. Wendy on the other hand was very moody. I remember once Whiteney and I and Alyssa were all sitting in the back seat of her honda (i was only like, four) and we were all crying because we had growing pains. Then out of the blue she turned around and smacked us.

Speaking of my parents, I haven't introduced you to them. My dad Eric, who is of medium build and has thick dark hair, and hazel eyes and is really tan. I look like him, everyone always says that, and I'm proud of that. My daddy is a very handsome man. He smells good, all the time, of a strong manly calogne, and when he smoked, he smelt like cigars too. He was always really protective of us, after Wendy movved out, and I don't blame him. A single father raising to little girls, and he had every reason to be protective.

My mom is short and has a tough build. She's gorgeous, I think, with her whispy hair and soft brownish hazel eyes. She beat up a lot of people in high school, and that's where I get my strength wfrom. She has freckles and fair skin, that burns easily. Personatliy wise, well, it's not fair of me to say. She's definatly got her moments. Stubborn as a rock, and anb insufferable (censored), it's mean of me to say, but it's the truth. Permanent PMS. I love her more than I can admit or bear. But we don't get along at all...

You can never guess how much I love my family, no matter how many times my Mother has hurt me, nor how angry my dad makes me. My sisters are awesome and I love them, but they too are hard for me to deal with. I guess I was usually just better off in those days, by myself. But I can't blame me. And neither can you. I hated the yellling and screaming that always happened when I was with any of them. That's what I grew up with, and I still hate it. But that doesn't mean Idon't love them

 

[christian cutie danni]

I put the cellphone down gently and uncaped the asprin bottle, pouring a few into my hand, and swallowed them whole, with less than half a mouthful of water. I recapped the bottle and set it down in it's spot on the counter below the medicin cabinent. Then I stood on my tiptoes and opened the door, and pushed some bottles aside, not finding what I wanted. Okay... Cough syrup. I pulled it out and looked at the sideeffects, then uncapped that and gulped some down. I don't know how much. Alot. Enough. Maybe not enough. I don't know what I was aiming for.

I picked up thecellphone again and resumed talking to Mike. I didn't tell him what I did. Just asked how stupid would it be if I did that? "Stupid." He said.

I nodded, and got off the phone. It rang again, and I answered. It was Dustin. By this time I was falling asleep. I told him what I did. "That's stupid... Danielle... Why'd you do that?" I shrugged. "I don't know... I don't care. I can't deal with this pain anymore Dustin." I said, my voice thick with tears. I got off the phone and passed out. It was only seven thirty PM.

By midnight I had awoken. I slept for four and a half hours straight. And I had had plenty of sleep the night before. I listened intently. I needed more.. More drugs.. Were my parents awake?... Asleep? I raised my head. No, they were still up. I could hear them talking. I lay my head down on the pillow, willing me to go back into the trance, to go back to my in between place. I did. Five minutes later I was passed out again.

 

[christian cutie danni]

Wendy was gone that day we got home from school. ALl of her stuff and everything. Alyssa and I went into Whitney's bedroom and all of her stuff was gone. Just like that. In the few hours we'd been at school, Wendy and Whitney had packed their stuff and left. No warning, or anything.

Alyssa and I were confused. We didn't know what was going on. How could we? We were only four and six. Like we understood any of that. Dad continued seeing differant women and their were some we liked and some we didn't. Michelle was a lady that used to baby sit us, and Alyssa and I liked her a lot. She used to hide a special crayon and we'd try to find it. "Warm... warmer... hott... you're on fire!" She tell us. Dad started dating her but it didn't last long.

A single man, working and trying to take care of two little girls is hard. Especially since every other week we were at our Mom's house. And my Mom didn't have it any eaisier either. She was trying to raise a five year old, a seven year old, and a twelve year old. And she was single. We changed apartments every year just about, and sometimes we didn't even stay two months in one apartment.

Finally she met Steve. They dated for a long time, and ended up living together. Things got easier for my Mom. She had someone to help out with us.

Meanwhile My Dad was still trying to get the hang of braiding my hair. Before I'd go to pre-school, my dad would move a stack of papers off the table and set me on it, and try to braid my hair. Try is the keyword. It always ended up lopsided.

Then my Mom got preagnant. I was six, and Alyssa was eight. Mom ended up getting in a fight with Steve and we moved to Elkgrove California. Which was okay with us, because Daddy came and saw us once a week, and I got to live near my closest friends, Jason and Cindy. My grandparents lived their in the little couldesac, on Jonell court. We lived with them. But then one day Daddy came and we went for our weekly visit, which was always overnight. But we passed the hotel we stayed in and I remeber saying, "Daddy, where are we going?"

Dad didn't answer until we got to Redding. He turned around and looked at me in the backseat of the little pick up. "What would you girls say if I told you I was taking you back to Oregon?" We didn't want to go. Our dad was kidnapping us back to what he called our home. California was supposed to be our home. But things change so quickly, and that was just the beginning of the changes in my life. Little did I know that I would be forced even farther out of my comfort zone, and I would not return to it ever again.

 

[christian cutie danni]

I stared at the phone, my voice lost, as if maybe it might be able to give me some answers. I could hear his voice on the other end, the reciever crackling as he repeated my name. Asking me if I was okay with this. I didn't say anything, as hot tears started pouring down my cheeks and I suppressed a desperate sob. I put the the reciever back to my ear.

"Danni.. Please... I need you to be okay with this. I need time to figure out if my feelings for you are real. We need time to find just how much in love we are." He didn't say it, but he didn't have to either. The unspoken words echoed in my ears, in my mind, reverbirating through my skull. Or aren't... I shook my head. "Are you ok? Danni?" I shook my head, but my lips formed the opposite words. "I'm fine... I understand." How I ever got those words around the lump in my throat and passed my cracked lips, I don't know. And the way I said it, so convincing, was a miracle in its self. "I understand Ian." I said.

I vaguely remeber throwning the phone across the room and watching it connect with the wall as I collapsed on the floor.

Later, I must have replaced the phon on the hook and walked out of my Mom's room, because I started bawling and collapsed into my stepdad's arms. I remember wandering around not knowing what to do withmyself, and crying. No one could figure it out. I rarely cried. And when I did it wa susually after a fight with my mom. I remember somehow uttering those words past my swollen and chapped lips. "He broke up with me..." And Rod just swept me into his arms.

"He's stupid. You're beautiful honey, you've got a great personality. he didn't deserve you." Rod just held me and let me cry.

I cried all right. For two days straight I cried. My eyes were swollen, and red and my throat closed its self to all food and water. I was lost. I didn't know what to do...

 

[christian cutie danni]

I stood impatiently on the runway, next to the little four seater Cesna 172, tapping my foot impatiently. I was only six, but I was very princess-y and demanding.

A red haired lady hurried twords us, and before dad could open his mouth I waved at her and shouted at the top of my lungs, "JAMI HURRY UP YOU'RE LATE AND I WANNA GO!!!!" Well, to say that she looked rather shocked is an understatement. But she recovered quickly and smiled then put her flight bags in. Here was this little five year old and a seven year old, and her new boyfriend's kids are yelling at her to hurry, and they've never even met her?

I certainly don't know what was on Jami's mind that day but she must've thought we were very rude. I would've. But I had never been on an airplane before and I was anxious to take off. Besides it was just another woman friend of my Dad's. Alyssa and I would drive her off soon enough. (yes, we were little BIG brats...) But that was only what we thought. Boy were we wrong....

We flew that day and Alysssa and I were pretty miserable. We weren't used to the altitued change, and it hurt our ears. But Jami gave us gum and after chewing it for a while it didn't bother us so much.

Over the next few months, we had a lot to deal with. Dad and Mom were fighting in court for custody, and Jami, though we tried super hard to rid of her, became a seemingly permenant fixture in our lives. And Mom was getting more and more preagnant. Or maybe that was before Mom was preagnant... or after she had Keisha... I don't know, and I don't remember... Like I said, the story is hard to tell at this point because I was so little.

But then Dad asked Alyssa and I what we thought of him asking Jami to marry him. Well, Alyssa didn't like Jami, but we both agreed to him asking her to marry him, because we saw how much he loved each her. I don't know what we thought, but we didn't realize that that marrige is a permanant thing.

They married May 2, 1997. I remember the wedding, I was a flower girl, and so was Alyssa. We were also the ringbearers... How that worked was, there was a pillow in the bottom of our baskets, and tied to a ribbon were the rings.

I remeber the reception really well too, I sat on my new Aunt Janel's lap, and I sat on my new Uncle Jay's lap. I watched My new Grandmother, Nana Jan, dance on the table, like a total spaz (you know I love you nana jan!) And visiting with lots of people I barely knew. I talked to my sister Melissa, (my mom's daughter, but Melissa's dad is a differant story entirely. She considered my dad her father), and hung out with Stefani, whom I've known for ever. Her father was the best man.

Afterwards, months later, Alyssa and I couldn't stand Jami. We didn't know why she thought that just because she was our father's wife, she suddenly thought she had control over us. We didn't understand that the whole marrige thing made her a guardian. We tried our best to get rid of her. It took us a long time, several years in fact, to get used to her, and even then Alyssa didn't. And I finally figured out that she wasn't going anywhere. You can't imagine what a relief that is now, because I don't know where I'd be without her.