Critical Husband

[MilaGrace2018]

My husband can be very critical and put me down constantly until I break down.
He will often put me down until I cry, and then storm out and leave.
I am starting to believe the nasty things that he is saying to me.

Do any other wives struggle with this? What do you do to help?
I read the bible and pray a lot when it happens.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Have the two of you attended counseling to address this?

 

[Hidden In Him]

My husband can be very critical and put me down constantly until I break down.
He will often put me down until I cry, and then storm out and leave.
I am starting to believe the nasty things that he is saying to me.

Do any other wives struggle with this? What do you do to help?
I read the bible and pray a lot when it happens.

Sorry to hear that, MilaGrace.

I guess everyone reacts differently. I think I would strike back (psychologically) probably, as I don't take attacks to my self-esteem lying down. The only exception would be if I thought what he was saying actually was true...

But let's suppose it actually was. I would ask myself, "Would my God reject me, or talk abusively to me even if I were guilty of those things?" Then I'd probably come to the conclusion that He might convict me of my sins, but not abuse me and crush my spirit. So I would probably end up devoting even MORE time to my God, the One I knew truly loved me.

Without knowing anything more, I can't really comment further.

 

[MilaGrace2018]

Have the two of you attended counseling to address this?

Hey thanks for you reply .. yes we have been going to counselling now for a few years ... the lady is fantastic. It is hard to make progress, he deny's a lot of the time what he says and his behaviour. I don't think he's lying, it's just his perception of what he's saying and maybe what he's meaning are two different things.

For example, he may come and say to me if I'm feeling sick and playing with the baby in the lounge "are we going out at 11?" and I'll say that I don't feel good I don't think I'll go, but he could go if he wants to, he will reply "If you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't be sick, it's your own fault your sick so don't except sympathy" then I'll say "I don't expect any" he [responds with profanity].

You could ask him 5 minutes later his version of that and it is "I just asked you if you wanted to go somewhere and you [responded with profanity].

It's hard to describe, but it's almost, whatever angry he puts out or mean words, he acts like the victim? and says that he is just defending himself because I am so harsh.

I've never actually seen someone do it like this.

 

[MilaGrace2018]

Sorry to hear that, MilaGrace.

I guess everyone reacts differently. I think I would strike back (psychologically) probably, as I don't take attacks to my self-esteem lying down. The only exception would be if I thought what he was saying actually was true...

But let's suppose it actually was. I would ask myself, "Would my God reject me, or talk abusively to me even if I were guilty of those things?" Then I'd probably come to the conclusion that He might convict me of my sins, but not abuse me and crush my spirit. So I would probably end up devoting even MORE time to my God, the One I knew truly loved me.

Without knowing anything more, I can't really comment further.

Thank you for your reply ! Yes your right, I am constantly asking myself, is what he is saying true. Maybe I am too short sometimes. But I don't believe to the extent he makes out. I just find it really hard to believe that everyone, my dad, my friends my family all have really nice things to say. and he is the only one that seems to tell me I am a bad person.

I like to always take on board what he's saying, even if it is said to me through swearing and abuse, like "ok well maybe he does have a point, maybe I do act like that sometimes"
I even say to him, your right I'm sorry. Sometimes.
But I find that he just gets fuelled on those apologies, and the name calling gets worse.

But your right, I'm not perfect and need to work on things just like him.

 

[Hidden In Him]

For example, he may come and say to me if I'm feeling sick and playing with the baby in the lounge "are we going out at 11?" and I'll say that I don't feel good I don't think I'll go, but he could go if he wants to, he will reply "If you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't be sick, it's your own fault your sick so don't except sympathy" then I'll say "I don't expect any" he [responds with profanity].

You could ask him 5 minutes later his version of that and it is "I just asked you if you wanted to go somewhere and you [responded with profanity].

Ok, that's different. This means you already have him on something of the defensive thinking he may be the weaker of the two in the relationship, which means you need to go in the opposite direction then. He feels threatened by you for some reason, so you need to find out why...

I like to always take on board what he's saying, even if it is said to me through swearing and abuse, like "ok well maybe he does have a point, maybe I do act like that sometimes"
I even say to him, your right I'm sorry. Sometimes.
But I find that he just gets fuelled on those apologies, and the name calling gets worse.

Yes. This means you definitely have him thinking he is in an inferior and unfair position somehow. You need to get down to his psychology now, i.e. find out what is really upsetting him so much. It sounds like he feels like he can't get you to do anything because you won't listen to him, even when it might be for your own benefit. Maybe start by saying you are going to try and listen to his advice more.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I even say to him, your right I'm sorry. Sometimes.
But I find that he just gets fuelled on those apologies, and the name calling gets worse.

This means the issues run deeper than just what is being discussed. There are underlying problems in his mind that are still not being addressed by you, even if you apologize.

What are the biggest things he complains about most, or used to complain about most before he may have given up trying?

 

[WolfGate]

"If you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't be sick, it's your own fault your sick so don't except sympathy" then I'll say "I don't expect any" he will say "F^&*k off then".

You could ask him 5 minutes later his version of that and it is "I just asked you if you wanted to go somewhere and you replied to me F^&*( off, I'm F#$*ing sick !!"

Kind of sounds like gaslighting to me.

 

[MilaGrace2018]

h

Kind of sounds like gaslighting to me.

Kind of sounds like gaslighting to me.

What's Gaslighting?

 

[WolfGate]

http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

It's definitely gaslighting. My first husband did the same thing. Pattern was this:

He says ABC to me, where ABC is something nasty and hurtful.
I answer back with XYZ.
It escalates from there.
Later he tells me he never would have said ABC to me if I hadn't said XYZ to him first.
But he said ABC first, I point out.
No, he didn't, he insists. I said XYZ first, out of nowhere, and that started the whole thing.

Dizzying, isn't it?

There were never any witnesses or recording devices, so I had no way to prove how it actually went.

I know now (after years of therapy) that he was feeling angry and hostile before it ever started. So, he would bait me into saying something he could use as an excuse to fight with me, and thus spend all of that pent up energy that was boiling over inside him.

The only way to win this game is to refuse to take the bait, but be warned, his bait will only get more and more provocative until you take it. That happened once too. He kept saying such nasty things, and I was being so nice back, and he kept getting tenser and tenser because I wouldn't give him his excuse.

 

[Dave-W]

There are voice recorders that can save up to 8 or more hours that look like (and are actually) usb thumb drive stick. They are not expensive and if you leave one going if you think an argument is coming, you will have proof of what happened.

I have seen it happen where someone has no idea how they sound until they hear it for them selves.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

My husband can be very critical and put me down constantly until I break down.
He will often put me down until I cry, and then storm out and leave.
I am starting to believe the nasty things that he is saying to me.

Do any other wives struggle with this? What do you do to help?
I read the bible and pray a lot when it happens.

I am sorry for your hurt MilaGrace. I would suggest that you try not to cry or storm out. Tell him in a normal tone of voice that he is being unkind, you don't agree, you are sorry he feels that way, please don't speak to me like that, you have hurt my feelings, etc...

Great stuff on this blog:
Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin – VIDEO – The Peaceful Wife
My Identity in Christ – The Peaceful Wife

Don't record, or replay his hateful words - there is no way that will make you or him feel better. Men don't tend to respond to being shamed in my experience.

The Lord hears what your husbands says, and he will be accountable to GOD for his words. Trust the Holy Spirit to convict him, focus on the Lord and prayer, and sings hymns, then you can walk in peace and joy.

Please don't question the truth of his mean words - he is acting as the devil, the accuser, the father of lies. Meditate on who God says You are - His child, the apple of His eye.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

My husband can be very critical and put me down constantly until I break down.
He will often put me down until I cry, and then storm out and leave.
I am starting to believe the nasty things that he is saying to me.

Do any other wives struggle with this? What do you do to help?
I read the bible and pray a lot when it happens.

Stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate his barrage of verbal abuse. It IS abuse. He's a bully. My husband learned one fine day when I finally had enough. I got mad and informed him that his choices were to treat me with respect or get out. I didn't care which one he chose, but I was not going to take it anymore.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Stand up and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate his barrage of verbal abuse. It IS abuse. He's a bully. My husband learned one fine day when I finally had enough. I got mad and informed him that his choices were to treat me with respect or get out. I didn't care which one he chose, but I was not going to take it anymore.

What stops a lot of people from drawing that line is the fear of being alone. Maybe he will walk out rather than change his behavior, and where does that leave me? Available to find someone better, that's where, but when I was in this situation, I didn't think I deserved better. I thought I was pond scum and deserved what I got. This low self-esteem combined with fear of loneliness is exactly what those bullies/abusers are taking advantage of. Once they see we're no longer afraid of losing them, things change.