Courting - Calling It Quits

[RightThing]

My girlfriend and I are in a courting relationship. It is my first relationship that I have been in....she has been in 9 other relationships, with only one of them being really serious.



Anyways I know one of the tenets of courting is to fully commit to that person w/out turning back. But after constant fighting, arguing, complaining I think sometimes its best that we go our separate ways. A lot of our fights are my mistakes (bad habits I learned from my parents, being irritable and insensitive to her feelings) but alot of it is the fact that we are different on a lot of levels, the main thing being I need my space and she doesn't.



I know in the recent past I haven't been giving this relationship a 100% and have been really pessimistic about us and thats really hurt her. I guess my question is am I stupid for complaining when I am not giving it my all? I rationalize it by thinking even if I do give it 100% we will still have our problems.


Any advice would be helpful.

 

[loved]

My first question would be ,are you both christians?

Do you want to marry this girl? Have you ever wanted to marry her?

HAVE YOU DISCUSSED THESE ISSUES? Have you both sat down and calmly put across your views?

 

[Scottish Joy]

Hey.


I just wanted to say that, I believe courting to be more of a time to see whether or not you should marry the other person. It's not a playing-around relationship like dating is, but it's not engagement either. If it doesn't work, that doesn't mean you did something wrong. Try not to just figure that you're going to get married when you start courting- if you feel like things won't work out with this girl, then you've achieved the purpose of courtship (as I see it).

I just hope you haven't played with her heart while you still weren't sure!

My $0.02

 

[RightThing]

My first question would be ,are you both christians?

Do you want to marry this girl? Have you ever wanted to marry her?

HAVE YOU DISCUSSED THESE ISSUES? Have you both sat down and calmly put
across your views?

Yes we are both Christians and looking for God's direction and will for us. Sometimes though its so hard to see. I've always wanted to marry the first girl I seriously date...and thats one of the things keeping me here. I do care about her a lot and would like to end up with her. I know she possesses a lot of traits I want in a wife. When it comes to discussing our issues, compromise seems to be thrown out the window..."If it doesn't hurt you than you should do it for me"...where inside though, it does hurt me.

One of my flaws is that I have a real short fuse...whenever we have a problem I want to ignore the issue or get mad at her for continously talking about it. I know thats my fault and want and will change this about myself.

I just dont want to leave this relationship...and then later regret that I left bc of things that we're my fault. I know this is a lot of info...thanks for reading and pls. continue w/ your advice!

 

[barefeetonholyground]

Just because according to courtship you aren't supposed to breakup, doesn't mean that it's Biblical. Keep in mind that you're merely in a relationship, you aren't married. And sometimes it's best to go your own seperate ways. If you aren't good for one another than you aren't good for one another: plain and simple.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Ditto the dimpled wombat.

 

[gracefaith]

One of my flaws is that I have a real short fuse...whenever we have a problem I want to ignore the issue or get mad at her for continously talking about it. I know thats my fault and want and will change this about myself.

I just dont want to leave this relationship...and then later regret that I left bc of things that we're my fault. I know this is a lot of info...thanks for reading and pls. continue w/ your advice!

Well, yeah, if you have sort of anger issue to work on, work on it! But look at it another way: is it fair to make her deal with you in the mean time?

We all wish we could only date one person, fall in love and get married. I wished it. I thank God all the time that my first boyfriend and I didn't work out. We were "in love" but not good for each other. God had better plans.

 

[Grishnak]

You aren't married, and thus you are not committed to this girl for life.. even in an engagement a person is not yet committed to the person they are with for life, although it would be a horrible breaking of a promise to end a relationship in the middle of an engagement, but its still not a marriage and it still happens.

Gods Law held that a promise to marry was indeed binding.
So much so that simply being betrothed one might have faced stoning for having sex with someone else.

Hopefully, they havent ''promised'' to marry yet and have just been dating.

Our culture seems to take promises for nothing. Only when ceasar has been appeased do we believe that Gods union of marriage is ''valid''

I say, stop making promises to marry that we cant keep and reinstate the idea that our PROMISES are binding.
That way far fewer people will be so relaxed to just promise something they will not carry out.

Anyone that thinks this issue is a light one needs to inform themselves as to what SCRIPTURE states on the matter.

To the OP.
If you two have made covenant promises to marry, then you really need to explore working things out.
If you havent made them, then you have not bound yourselves in a covenant and are free to walk away anyway.

 

[Grishnak]

Yes we are both Christians and looking for God's direction and will for us.

Then continue to do so.

Sometimes though its so hard to see. I've always wanted to marry the first girl I seriously date...and thats one of the things keeping me here. I do care about her a lot and would like to end up with her. I know she possesses a lot of traits I want in a wife. When it comes to discussing our issues, compromise seems to be thrown out the window..."If it doesn't hurt you than you should do it for me"...where inside though, it does hurt me.

Little tidbit.
All of life is full of learning to compromise when compromise is the correct thing to do.
Very few start out being perfect in this area.
If you two love each other and are commited to the relationship, then keep working at it.
We ALL have work that needs to be done.
And you dont have to ''marry'' in any given timeframe.
If you take 2 or 3 years to get to where you both want to be before you vow yourselves, then do it.
Better to take the time and have someone who DOES want to be the best they can be.

One of my flaws is that I have a real short fuse...whenever we have a problem I want to ignore the issue or get mad at her for continously talking about it. I know thats my fault and want and will change this about myself.

I was the king of the short fuse.
It took determination and about 2 years, but I have gotten this very controlled now.
I still get upset, but I know can get past it and refocus in a matter of seconds now instead of going on a 2 hour rant.

I just dont want to leave this relationship...and then later regret that I left bc of things that we're my fault. I know this is a lot of info...thanks for reading and pls. continue w/ your advice!

Then dont leave.
If she is willing to work with you, then you have found a very rare person.
While everyone else might be giving up or telling you to give up, she will be right there wanting to make things work.
If this is the case, take the time to explore the relationship.
What do you have to lose? Another year or 2?

 

[JulesM]

Sometimes love is a choice - the fluffy feelings aren't always there. Choosing to love someone seems unromantic and hard work, but its worth it if you love someone and you want to make the relationship work.

Do you love her?

You may find if you choose to love her and give that 100% you've not been giving she may start to respond to you differently and overall there would be an improvement in your relationship.

 

[loved]

Sometimes love is a choice - the fluffy feelings aren't always there. Choosing to love someone seems unromantic and hard work, but its worth it if you love someone and you want to make the relationship work.

Do you love her?

You may find if you choose to love her and give that 100% you've not been giving she may start to respond to you differently and overall there would be an improvement in your relationship.

I so agree with this.

 

[Singin4Him]

Courtship doesn't say you can't break up, I'm not sure where that came from. Courtship is dating with a purpose to see if that person is the person God has for you to marry. I courted a wonderful guy a little while before I met my husband and we had a wonderful relationship but because of a few differences we both felt it wasn't what God wanted for us so we decided to end it. The great thing about that relationship is in courtship it is very much like a friendship and in our courtship we chose not to kiss and the physical aspect was very minor so because of this it was very easy to transition into a friendship with one another.

Just because you are courting that does not mean she is the girl God has for you to marry, you may be missing out on the one God has for you because you have this idea that you should and desire to marry the first girl you seriously date and love. That's not always the way it works, though it would be nice. Be open to what God wants in your relationship, don't hold her back from what God has for her either. Sounds like you really need to seek God's direction here.

 

[SirKenin]

My girlfriend and I are in a courting relationship. It is my first relationship that I have been in....she has been in 9 other relationships, with only one of them being really serious.



Anyways I know one of the tenets of courting is to fully commit to that person w/out turning back. But after constant fighting, arguing, complaining I think sometimes its best that we go our separate ways. A lot of our fights are my mistakes (bad habits I learned from my parents, being irritable and insensitive to her feelings) but alot of it is the fact that we are different on a lot of levels, the main thing being I need my space and she doesn't.



I know in the recent past I haven't been giving this relationship a 100% and have been really pessimistic about us and thats really hurt her. I guess my question is am I stupid for complaining when I am not giving it my all? I rationalize it by thinking even if I do give it 100% we will still have our problems.


Any advice would be helpful.

So you're not compatible. Move on. There is a woman out there more compatible, just as there is a man out there more compatible for her. I think it's time to tell her it's over and go about fixing your bad habits, then moving on to the next lady who loves you for who you are.

 

[JustLiz87]

Okay, I've read over this post and basically you have been given advice from all over. I don't think we can decide whether you should end the relationship or work on it. I think this is only something you can decide. Maybe you two should try praying about it. Also, I think you need to ask yourself if you love this girl enough that you could see you two having a future together. If the answer is no, then you should end the relationship. But, if you think that there is a possibility of something in the future, then you should try to work it out.