We are going to talk to our pastor, tomorrow. Any advice? How can we address our issues without making the other feel like they are being tattled on?
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CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Counseling advice
- Thread starter ~Willow~
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Those of you who gave me book suggestions in the other thread... can you PM them to me? Thanks!
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ImaginaryDay
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Yes. Own up to your own gossip to strangers, and stop posting it on CF.
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ImaginaryDay
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Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It begins by recognizing and establishing our own appropriate boundaries for behavior first, so we know how to address those of the other person in response.
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That's such an interesting phrase, "to be tattled on". Try not to think of yourselves as children and that you are in trouble for misbehaving. It might help to focus on how you feel, and less on your partner's behavior. Everyone struggles in their relationships. And everyone's struggles are unique to them. And pat yourselves on the back for going to see your pastor! Many people who struggle in their relationship don't even make it that far!
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favoritetoyisjoy
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NothingIsImpossible
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Well to some degree the whole idea is to openly talk about whats on your minds. So it may feel like tattling but things won't get solved if you both stay quiet about whats bugging you. After all its why your there. I'd tell the truth and share what you are having a hard time with. Then he can do the same. Its important that whatever is said, don't be mad at each other. Your there for help and the pastor as a third party whos unbiased will tell you what he thinks is best. Its great to see you are both going because as stated many don't make it that far or can't because the other person doesn't want to do it. I'll be praying for you both.
Well that was a bit harsh. Its a forum for help, sometimes you have to do what you can to save your marriage, even if it means posting about it on a christian forum. Actually many people do it in the marriage section. Its kind of the point.
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Many people get nervous when discussing things with a counselor, pastor, or whomever. I would make a short list of important topics, so you don't go home to realize you forgot something important. That would include good parts and bad parts.
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Try using "we" language instead of "you" language when talking out your problems. AKA "We need to think about how we feel when... etc." Though your pastor will be present, turn and talk to face your husband while detailing these issues so that it's more personal. Also, before any counseling starts, pray of course and invite the Holy Spirit into the session to help restore all areas of your marriage and ask the Holy Spirit to help you both be honest because only the truth, though painful at times, will heal. And talk to your husband before the session starts to make sure you're both on the same page & agree to be absolutely honest (with as much kindness as possible) during the session. Hope this helps. God can fix anything!!! <3
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ValleyGal
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Be honest about his behaviour without embellishing or giving false impressions. Be honest about the reasons you are there. Be honest about owning up to your own part in the marriage dynamic. Do not blame, justify, rationalize, make excuses for, or minimize your own part or try to make yourself look better than your husband.
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Avniel
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The good thing about church in america is that there are several. Remember that if you get to embarrassed or you feel like it is to personal you can always go to another church........free of sin.
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ImaginaryDay
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She stated elsewhere that her husband does not like their problems being discussed with others. The OP has breached that trust, as well as him breaching hers. She needs to stop. I shared with my wife last night that if I were the husband, in spite of what I'd done, I would be the one leaving for such a serious breach of my trust as well. They both need to confess and work out their issues with this Pastor. Both are being manipulative in the situation. Him by ignoring her needs, and her by bringing up the marital problems, against his stated wishes, to strangers instead of to him.
The point of the marriage forum may be to work out issues, but not at the expense of the spousal relationship.
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That is already a step in the right direction! I pray that God will work in both of your lives and in your marriage to restore what has been broken! God can fix anything and works in the worst situations, trust in Him to do His work, nothing is impossible for Him
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ImaginaryDay
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Your husband doesn't like personal information being shared because he feels he's being "tattled on", but he isn't concerned about you posting personal information about him here to complete strangers. Does that sum it up?
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I think you misunderstood what I originally said. I said we went to counseling years ago and he felt like he was being tattled on when I shared my concerns (which is why I asked for advice on how not to sound like I was tattling). As far as me talking about it online to strangers where no one knows us? He said he doesn't care what a bunch of internet strangers think.
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I think that using the "we" language when talking in counseling and also making an agreement between the two of you to be absolutely honest with each other before going into counseling is very important. Also praying and inviting the Holy Spirit with His healing power into your counseling sessions, that's also key.
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We went, yesterday, and the pastor prayed before we began. I started off by mentioning that I am just sharing my concerns... not tattling... and it went smoothly. The pastor listened to us and suggested we go to a small group thing they offer for situations like this. He doesn't feel we need to go to professional counseling at this point. He said he can tell the two of us love each other, but felt that we have a lot of stress in our lives, combined with lack of sleep, and that contributes to a lot of our issues. He did not minimize the main issue, but did let us know we are not alone... that it happens and is something that can be worked through. I really appreciated his advice and we will be going to the small group sessions at the church that he suggested. He also provided DH with a book he feels will help. I am very satisfied with the way the pastor handled it and very happy DH is willing to go to the small group session (he normally avoids stuff like that, but values this pastor's opinion... so is willing to go).
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